Lowest Common Denominator

6:43:14 PM EST

For some scrubber thingy: "They're guaranteed for life and if you call in the next ten minutes, we'll send you a SECOND scrubby thingy absolutely free!" Ok, class. Who sees the problem with that sentence?

For some Italian restaurant chain: "I'm looking for my date; he's very short, very handsome and probably has his shoes untied" (cut to shot of her son yelling "Hi, mom!"). Paging Oedipus...

Everyone remember the Conga Line from Hell Pepto Bismol commercial. It couldn't be worse, right? Wrongity wrong wrong wrong. Now there's some school play production dedicated to Pepto Bismol. Someone please tell me, what child do you know gets heartburn? If your 8 year old has heartburn, they do not need Pepto. They need to stop chugging tabasco.

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8:31:32 PM EST

You cannot please everyone. It's as true now as it was when your grandmother said it. So why bother keeping anyone happy anymore?

This is why I have decided, in the midst of all this PC-Whatever-Holiday-You- Observe-I-Sure-Hope-It's-A-Swell-One nonsense, to please no one. Whichever greeting I get is going to receive the same response. No matter if it is "Happy Holidays" "Merry Christmas" "Season's Greetings" or whatever, you will all get the same phrase from me:

"Rock on, dude!"

This is gonna be the bestest December ever.

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8:48:24 PM EST

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Stop groaning. If I have to suffer through it (thanks, honey!), so do you all. For the uninitiated, this show takes people who are having lives rife with Shakepearean levels of misfortune and builds them houses they will never be able to afford the property taxes on. Tonight's "Very Special Episode" drives home the point so eloquently....

First of all, there's our Disease-of-the-Week. Although this typically involves a child (not necessarily cute, but it helps), this week it was mom. This week's disease-of-the-week is galloping cancer. It's spreading like Emo music and you can tell this since the woman insists on wearing shirts with plunging necklines so we can have plenty of close-ups of her TEN-INCH-SURGICAL-SCAR running from her neck to down her cleavage somewhere.

However, this is a Very Special Episode, which means it's even more tragic. In this case, the contractor fixing up their house took their 44 thousand bucks and left them with a house constructed of drywall and spackle. Their neighbors did attempt to make the place livable until Ty's team got there and tore it all up.

Ah, yes. Ty's team. What makes this episode extra-special is the fact that they took THE most irritating part of the show and multiplied it by 5. Every single one of those goobers had a freaking megaphone and was screaming to all the neighbors to wake up and drag their arses out of bed so they can find out that the team's here! Wooooooo!

Ugh. Sleep now.

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9:30:51 PM EDT

It happened again....

"Well we'd really want to keep the whole English Tudor thing we have going on in our house"

Then why in God's name did you sign up for Trading Spaces?

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3:41:47 PM EDT

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/pumpkin_carve.asp

 

 

Sorry, Brunchers.

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10:57:01 PM EDT

I guarantee if this was about prostate cancer, there'd be 24/7 coverage on all major networks. Nevertheless....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4317972.stm

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3:36:51 PM EDT

Dear #3 fans,

This is a news bulletin for Dale Earnhardt senior fans who have Intimidator and #3 decals all over their trucks, cars, etc.

Dale's dead.

He ain't ever gonna be less dead.

And allllllllll the #3's in the world on your car are not going to bring him back.

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3:37:49 PM EDT

Further proof that the Bush family is not living on this plane of reality.

http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1001054719

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5:11:37 PM EDT
I know I haven't updated while the Katrina aftermath has been going on. I felt the time wasn't quite right for my usual snarkiness. Go give some blood. Donate a few bucks. If you really need a fix of snark, do what I do and go see what Foamy's up to. He's reporting from Louisiana.

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7:38:42 PM EDT

Oh, yeah. If you need ANY sign at all that the Gas-Out concept wouldn't work, permit me to point you to Atlanta. See, a lovely hoax spread today. The gist of it was there was going to be gas rationing and we should all fill up right quick before it takes effect. You should SEE the lines at the gas stations this hoax created. As a result, stations ARE running out and there has been widespread price gouging. To the tune of nearly six dollars a gallon in some places. And fools were paying it.

 Yeah, you can do without gas. You'll hit the gasoline fat cats where it hurts. Sure.

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