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October 2006
Saturday, October 7, 2006
Sometimes our illnesses come as a result of pressures and rejections from society. After a lifetime of being strong in the face of it, resisting it as best we can, maintaining our devotion and our focus in spite of it... it is bound to wear us down eventually. I have had many sorrows and frustrations as I've made my priestess journey in this life - doors closed, ears shut down, hearts closed to me, communications blocked. I have been ostracised, silenced, ignored, backstabbed, exploited, blamed, misunderstood, lied about, impoverished, abandoned. I have kept going despite it all, and always will, because channelling Goddess reality is who I am. But these things do take their toll after a while, especially on the body. Our poor bodies end up taking the brunt of so many of our troubles. Because we have to be strong, we have to carry on. We send our fears and worries and rages and forgotten dreams into our Shadow Selves, where they lurk in the dark and draw power. Power that we need to release from those confines, and have access to again. Power that can become twisted and turn into things like infections and cancers.
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Cancer Musings
Our healing is in the circle of loving sisters. Z herself (currently ill with infection, as I am with cancer) once said that to me when I asked her advice one day many years ago. It is in the loving circle of sisters that I have known the glory that keeps me going in the face of masculated rejections. In the circle of loving sisters we are immortal...we are all that we can be...our voices are welcomed and wanted...we are honored, delighted in, delighting in each other. In the circle of loving sisters we can fly... we can babble poetry in pure ecstasy...we become myth.
In a truly loving sister circle we are equals. No one is higher or lower than another, and every soul present is cherished. In this circle we are in the arms of the Goddess. And we can be in this circle even when we think we are alone, or simply communing with Her.
I have been "flying in the arms of the Goddess" for many years. I have known many times the alternate reality to all those woundings listed above. Where there I have been impoverished, here I have been enriched and showered with blessings. While there I have been ignored and silenced, here I am heard and my voice is wanted, received, respected, enjoyed, encouraged. While there I have been depressed and despairing, here I am vibrant with joy, revelation, inspiration. Because I have journeyed here, because I journey with She, my Muse, I have known many times what it's like to soar.
I am dedicated to that beauty. My thealagie, my music, my politics, my ritual practises - all are alligned towards the goal of re-manifesting that wondrous and beautiful state. I call it the Faery Ring sometimes... it is a continuum of spinning energy - yes, it's the cone of power too - yet it is deeply sensitized and focussed. It is sustained by our combined energies and conscious consent to all focus together on the same thing at the same time. It is sustained by love and trust and honest communication and hearts that are open to each other. It is one of the great Lost Powers of Woman. Retrieving and wielding it is magic. With its use we can manifest anything we desire; even change the world.
In that continuum I have flown on the wings of the Muse.
To retrieve and maintain that loving magical sisterhood, it becomes necessary to examine our circle experiences and our experiences interacting with others. Are they providing the Faery Ring? How much of that exalted magic occurs in our lives? How much is lost? What can we do to regain it? How important is it to us? Are we willing to let it disappear through disuse...to let it be forgotten? How much do we know about it? What can we do to learn more and develop its skills and traditions?
Much conspires to squash this experience. Many do not even know it exists. Even in my own movement and among many Goddess sisters, it is widely unknown. Dedicating one's life to such a thing is a decidedly uphill climb. Or up a waterfall, I think. ;0)
No wonder we get sick, right?
So ironic that my life has improved so much since I got cancer. Too bad the love and support and access to space and donations and offers of help didn't all come before I got cancer. I probably wouldn't have cancer if they had.
But I am nevertheless deeply grateful. It seems now that those two sides of my experience are beginning to integrate more. As the support comes, the doors open, the spaces become accessible, my potential to be fulfilled as a priestess increases, returns. And as I step onto this integrated braiding of paths, the world changes too. Perhaps the world is more in readiness this time. Perhaps now the doors can stay open more.
Being at death's door has this intense quality of potent and potential transformation. It is an opportunity to shift karmic patterns. Something must die and something must be reborn. But it doesn't necessarily have to involve complete physical death. I think physical death comes when those spiritual transformations can't happen while yet in this life. This is one of the lessons of the Tower card in the Tarot, which I call "Lightening" in my own deck. I deliberately mis-spelled the word. <wink> When we get irrevocably stuck, the enlightening lightning will strike. If we can bend and flow with the transition, it will likely be more gentle.
Let the healing begin...let the magic be fulfilled...let the transformation be gentle.
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12/13/06 1:33 PM
Happy Yule, my friend.
Soli