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Monday, May 28, 2007
3:15:41 PM EDT
5/28 Arkansas quarters & Keeping Preacher
GET THIS OUT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO USES QUARTERS!!!!
Hang on to any of the new Arkansas Quarters. If you have them, they maybe worth much more than 25 cents. The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.
The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.
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A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation, ... no one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ... "Screw the Preacher!"
P.S. 'Isn't senility something else?'
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Written by shipalum
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Saturday, May 26, 2007
10:33:50 PM EDT
5/26 Some system going & Are you English, German, or American?
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later my sister arrived by train so that she could manage our house over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived. One evening, after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over. "Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going but one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"
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It is said that when you tell an Englishman a joke, he will laugh three times. First - when you tell it, to be polite. Second - when you explain it, to be polite. And third -- in the middle of the night when he wakes up and finally gets it. When you tell a German the same joke, he will laugh twice. First - when you tell it, to be polite. And second when you explain it, to be polite. He won't laugh a third time because he will never get it. When you tell an American the same joke he won't laugh at all. Instead he will say, "It's an old joke and besides, you tell it all wrong!"
Written by shipalum
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Friday, May 25, 2007
8:38:46 PM EDT
5/25 Talking nuts & Loan
A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who's on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today. New suit?" The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. "Seriously...you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?" The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone. "Hello?" he asks. "Is someone speaking to me?" "You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!" A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement. The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer. "What'll you have?" asks the barkeep. "What?... Oh, a pint of ale, I guess," mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts. He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. "What's the deal with these nuts?" he asks. The barkeep brings the guy's pint over and sets it before him. "They're complimentary," he shrugs.
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patti Whack, so he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat, and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000.00." The banker asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger...and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as "collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says, "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Written by shipalum
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007
2:35:33 PM EDT
5/22 Insulated windows, 6 days @ sea,& Your suits've been here
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"(I told him). "It's been a year!" There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hungup.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
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DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice
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Two SeeBee Buddies and I arrived in Sydney, Australia, after combat duty in Vietnam. We rented the flashiest civvies we could afford from the concession stand at the military center and set out to explore the city. Our first stop was a popular hotel bar. As we shouldered our way through the throng, the bartender boomed out, "Eh there, mates clear a way for the Yanks." The crowd parted, and the bartender quickly set before us three pints of Sydney's best. I inquired how he knew we were Americans."How'd I know you was Yanks?" he said. "I may not have seen you before, but your suits've been here a dozen times!"
Written by shipalum
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2:33:30 PM EDT
5/23 You could have & Young minister's ooops
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have, " the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'" A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?" The member of the flock said, "I sure could." "How would you do it?" "With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
Written by shipalum
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Monday, May 21, 2007
7:04:43 PM EDT
5/21 Home alone, A Fool & His Squeaky Wheel, & Problems at Heli-Pad 1
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
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There was an annoying clerk who worked in a downtown office. In particular, he had two habits which drove his co-workers batty.
First of all, there was the squeaky wheel on his chair. All day long, his every movement was announced through the building. Worse yet was his habit of telling bad puns. You would have thought the office was an infirmary from the sound of the groans. One day, after opening his lunch box and stating that the wurst was yet to come, things finally came to a head. It seemed that violence would shortly ensue if nothing was done.
It was at this point when the office's good Samaritan stepped in. He sat the clerk down and talked over the problems with him. He got the clerk's promise to stop with the puns and to fix the wheels on his chair. Just a short while later, all were overjoyed to see him on his knees with an oilcan by his chair. The good Samaritan came walking up, and with a broad smile stated how happy he was to see him "casting oil on troubled waters." Unfortunately, the clerk could not restrain himself and replied, "Au contrario, I am watering oil on troubled casters."
Of course, it was too much, and the clerk was abruptly deposited down the mail chute with everyone's blessings. Which just goes to show that, "a fool and his punning are soon martyred!"
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Late one night, during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower: Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 feet over Heli-pad 1." Second voice: "No! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!" There was a brief moment of silence. First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"
Written by shipalum
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Sunday, May 20, 2007
1:16:32 PM EDT
5/20 Little problems & You don't love me any more
At dawn the telephone rings:
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Si, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire"
"What the hell??.... Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!"
"Si, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade R7 SuperQuad 460 Driver."
(That is a Golf Club for you non sports followers)
SILENCE...................
LONG SILENCE...............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
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One night at the dinner table Jill commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more!" "Nonsense, darling," replied John, "you just cook better now."
Written by shipalum
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Saturday, May 19, 2007
2:15:44 PM EDT
5/19 They walk among us, & Backwoods Census
A census taker was working in the hills of Arkansas. He walked up to one shed where a woman was sitting on the step. After introducing himself, the census taker said, “How many children do you have?”
The woman answered, “Fo’.”
The census taker then asked, “May I have their names, please?”
The woman replied, “Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George.”
Confused, the census taker said, “Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child ‘George’?”
“Because we didn’t want any Mo’.”
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I walked into a Quizno's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us, and many work retail.
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" And they walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They walk among us!!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They walk among us!
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My sister-in-law has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They walk among us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They walk among us!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
Yes, they walk among us!
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While waiting for my order at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, they walk among us!
AND they reproduce!
Written by shipalum
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Friday, May 18, 2007
5:58:33 PM EDT
5/18 Yellow canaries, Yim Yonson, & 2nd Grade science lesson
A lady went to a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "Sorry, lady, but we don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated, "Yellow canaries." But the pet storeowner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
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The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale." "That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!" "Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered, "I don't care ... Yim ... or Mr. Yonson, either one is fine."
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Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time ... "Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pickup things.... What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
Written by shipalum
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Thursday, May 17, 2007
7:22:17 PM EDT
5/17 Keeping a secret, PUN, & Friend is a lightbulb
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were most trustworthy. "No woman can keep a secret," said one man, scornfully, "I don't know about that," said a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out someday," the man said. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
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Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep however were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Bill to Dale. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
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A Doctor of psychology is making his normal rounds one day and he enters a patient's room. Patient #1 is pretending to saw a piece of wood and Patient #2 is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The doctor ask Patient #1 what he is doing and he answers, "Can't you see I am sawing some wood?" Then the doctor asks Patient #1 what Patient #2 is doing. Patient #1 says, "Oh, he is my friend and he is slightly crazy. He seems to think he is a light bulb." The doctor notices his face turning bright red and asks Patient #1, "If he is your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" Patient #1 looks up and says, "What? And work in the dark?"
Written by shipalum
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