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Tuesday, April 5, 2005
6:04:00 AM CDT
I am a very emotional woman and a very mercurial one. My moods can change quickly, and I can exhibit a range of emotion in one day that some people would find difficult in a lifetime. I'm comfortable with that. In fact, I like it. In some ways, it's a matter of being grounded in the moment and experiencing life fully.
Even though I experience and despise panic attacks, which are very emotional events for me, fear, panic and desperation aren't the emotions that cause me the most difficulty. The biggest monster in the pack is anger. I hate getting getting angry. Confrontation is difficult for me. It jars with my self-image as a peacemaker and someone who seeks spiritual peace. It's not easy to accept that you're really not as nice a person as you'd like to think that you are. I find it ironic that the lingering voice of poor self-esteem makes it easy for me to believe that I'm all sorts of other negative things sometimes, but not being nice is a tough one to handle. I think that's a very female reaction.
Once I get past my discomfort at confronting someone, I'm also really good at anger. Stomping is a form of venting before I really get angry. A raised voice is just a signal that I'm passing irritation and heading into the temper zone. The danger sign though is when I suck all the warmth from a room. My temper isn't red hot, it's icy cold.
I can verbally fight with the best of them. At top form, I have the talent for laser sighting my opponent's weak spot and hitting it with a crippling blow. I'm not proud of that, but I'm aware that I can do it. When I get to that point, even though I seem cold, distant and aloof, I've really lost control, and that's one of the things that I hate the most about anger. I don't like losing control of myself.
Some of that is my perfectionism. Some of that is my aspiration to live to up to my highest ideals, which may sound like perfectionism but really isn't. The first is a superficial attempt to fit other people's expectations of me and really is a perversion of the latter. The latter is the deep inner growth to my truest self. The truth is that control is really an illusion, and in accepting my true self, I have to accept that. People aren't meant to be in control all the time. We wouldn't have a built in flight or fight response if we were.
I think I'm learning a twofold lesson about anger now. The first is becoming more comfortable with righteous anger. Righteous anger is a powerful tool which can change the world and doesn't have to be expressed in destructive ways. Righteous anger is the fuel that feeds that necessary social change, and we wouldn't have had an abolition movement, a women's movement, a civil rights movement, or an environmental movement without it. Righteous anger still requires me to become more comfortable with confrontation and speaking up. Slowly but surely, I think I'm making progress.
The second part of my lesson with anger right now is taking the destruction out of the anger which is part of every day life. You can't live with people and not get angry sometimes. At least I can't, but I believe that I can find a better way to communicate so I don't have to be hurtful when I'm angry. I want to be more assertive in setting boundaries so I can prevent some of the frustration that leads to anger. I want to accept that anger is normal. I think that if I were to rid my life of all anger, I'd also be eliminating some passion from my life, and I don't want to do that. Passion is too important. It feeds the joy in life. Like so many other life issues, this is a matter of finding my appropriate balance, and accepting the swings in either direction as part of gathering my poise.
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6:04:00 AM CDT
Anger
Even though I experience and despise panic attacks, which are very emotional events for me, fear, panic and desperation aren't the emotions that cause me the most difficulty. The biggest monster in the pack is anger. I hate getting getting angry. Confrontation is difficult for me. It jars with my self-image as a peacemaker and someone who seeks spiritual peace. It's not easy to accept that you're really not as nice a person as you'd like to think that you are. I find it ironic that the lingering voice of poor self-esteem makes it easy for me to believe that I'm all sorts of other negative things sometimes, but not being nice is a tough one to handle. I think that's a very female reaction.
Once I get past my discomfort at confronting someone, I'm also really good at anger. Stomping is a form of venting before I really get angry. A raised voice is just a signal that I'm passing irritation and heading into the temper zone. The danger sign though is when I suck all the warmth from a room. My temper isn't red hot, it's icy cold.
I can verbally fight with the best of them. At top form, I have the talent for laser sighting my opponent's weak spot and hitting it with a crippling blow. I'm not proud of that, but I'm aware that I can do it. When I get to that point, even though I seem cold, distant and aloof, I've really lost control, and that's one of the things that I hate the most about anger. I don't like losing control of myself.
Some of that is my perfectionism. Some of that is my aspiration to live to up to my highest ideals, which may sound like perfectionism but really isn't. The first is a superficial attempt to fit other people's expectations of me and really is a perversion of the latter. The latter is the deep inner growth to my truest self. The truth is that control is really an illusion, and in accepting my true self, I have to accept that. People aren't meant to be in control all the time. We wouldn't have a built in flight or fight response if we were.
I think I'm learning a twofold lesson about anger now. The first is becoming more comfortable with righteous anger. Righteous anger is a powerful tool which can change the world and doesn't have to be expressed in destructive ways. Righteous anger is the fuel that feeds that necessary social change, and we wouldn't have had an abolition movement, a women's movement, a civil rights movement, or an environmental movement without it. Righteous anger still requires me to become more comfortable with confrontation and speaking up. Slowly but surely, I think I'm making progress.
The second part of my lesson with anger right now is taking the destruction out of the anger which is part of every day life. You can't live with people and not get angry sometimes. At least I can't, but I believe that I can find a better way to communicate so I don't have to be hurtful when I'm angry. I want to be more assertive in setting boundaries so I can prevent some of the frustration that leads to anger. I want to accept that anger is normal. I think that if I were to rid my life of all anger, I'd also be eliminating some passion from my life, and I don't want to do that. Passion is too important. It feeds the joy in life. Like so many other life issues, this is a matter of finding my appropriate balance, and accepting the swings in either direction as part of gathering my poise.
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This entry has 18 comments: (Add your own)
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wow, reading this. I feel the same. I am new to all this technology, blog, journals. And to say I work for NASA. Either way...Do you find that this helps. I am assuming so and I should take this into much consideration. I think I dont because I have a passion for journals and writing and poetry. When I was yourger my mother read my entries. And I vowed never to write anything again. That was 15 years ago. If only I had all that I went through since then. It would be such a great novel! Thank you - you have inspired me. And I thought you should know. Have a wonderful day!
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I wouldn't be so concerned about the fact that you get angry, after all even God got angry did he not? I think the more important issue is whether or not you can be forgiving. How many times has He given us another chance?
http://journals.aol.com/gardenmantis/MidnightDiaries/ -
The first time I came to a realization that anger was not only normal but also possibly revivifying was when I was reading LAME DEER: SEEKER OF VISIONS, a book about an old Lakota medicine man who was angry not at "the white man" but at what was done to Native Americans. In that book, Lame Deer states that anger "is something we can all share. Like food." It was the first time I realized there was negative and positive ways to channel anger. Unfortunately, I do sometimes give in to the negative route. I don't have the laser precision that you do; when I get angry, my words come out in a tumble. I've learned, especially at work, to stay quiet when I'm angry. In the 20 years I've taught at the college level, I've only lost my cool with one administrator, and he was the one who understood my plight the most. I still wish I hadn't done that. I do like to think of myself as a "good" and "kind" person. When I fail in being that kind of person, I feel devastated. This is a great entry, Cynthia. http://journals.aol.com/there
sarrt7/TheresaWilliams-author/ -
I appreciated your entry on a very personal level. I am so at odds with myself after a "fit" of anger. Especially when it is directed at my children. You know. The kind one feels when you've asked 3 times in a quiet, calm voice only to be ignored or yelled at. I know it's all normal kid stuff, but when I get angry and I feel like I have lost control, it is truly heavy on my heart. I am getting better through prayer and long talks with the girls, but I know anger is a real emotion that needs to be handled appropriately....It's remembering that in the heat of the moment!!
4/8/05 11:01 PM
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmora