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Subject: HABEMUS FORTUITUM IRATUM
Time: 1:06:00 AM EDT
Author: skiks
Mood: Angry
ed. note-I originally wrote this two weeks ago before my dad went into the hospital. He's doing better and I finally had enough time to catch up on this, so thanks for the prayers and wishes. I mention this because I have NBA playoff predictions in here and I don't want anyone to think I was cheating or anything. Thanks and enjoy...JR
HABEMUS FORTUITUM IRATUM
(Latin for “We have Random Anger”)
A few thoughts on the Pope…
Pope John Paul II was clearly the most popular Pole in the world. Now, all we have is the World’s Strongest Man, and Coach Krzyzewski.
I’m so glad that the Catholic Church really agreed with me in their need for a staunch conservative at the head of their affairs. I mean their stance on religious plurality, homosexuality, stem-cell research and abortion were way too progressive. So I think their choice of the Head of Church Doctrine, otherwise historically known as THE INQUISITION, was a good well-centered choice.
Now, onto the really important matters…
I would like to apologize to my future father-in-law. I took him to a Phillies game this past Sunday. It was awful. What a waste of a beautiful night. I mean, how can two teams of professional ballplayers possibly go nine innings without scoring a run? It doesn’t seem fathomable. Yet, on a beautiful April evening, the score after nine innings read: Phillies 0, Braves 0.
Well, as a consolation prize, we found out Jimmy Rollins can bunt. Finally!
We also found out that Jim Thome is still swinging like a middle-aged hooker.
I saw something out of Bobby Abreu that I thought I would never see. Hustle.
Am I the only one who thinks that Placido Polanco must have some serious problems looking himself in the mirror, after effectively killing the Phillies off-season by accepting arbitration and then creating a logjam at second base, keeping Chase Utley from playing every day?
Well, at least Chase Utley is getting the recognition he should have been getting last year. I mean the kid can’t even play everyday and he gets standing O’s.
For being as big as he is…Pat Burrell is a damned good fielder.
For the first time, I saw empty seats at the park. Thank goodness! I go to the games because I like to watch baseball and I can do it regularly in one of the best parks in baseball. I don’t go because I am a die-hard Phillies fan. I go for the game.
If I did go to root, root, root for the Phil-lies, I would probably need some Prozac. This really is a do-or-die season for this team. Even Ed Wade agrees, which makes his inactivity during this offseason so puzzling. Basically, this will be the last year for this team as it stands and hopefully will be the last year for this management staff as well. Jayson Stark wrote a surprisingly succinct diagnosis for the Phillies here: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=stark_jayson&id=2047809.
Now, it’s time for some NBA prognostication. There will be no gimmick to this year’s predictions, just the facts ma’am.
Round 1—East
Miami over New Jersey in 5
I think the Nets could pull out a game, but I doubt it. New Jersey is simply overmatched.
Detroit over Philly in 4
There’s no way of looking around this one. AI can have the series of his life and they still won’t win a game. And it’s not like Detroit is a dynasty in the making. I mean they are possibly one of the worst teams to ever win a title. The Sixers cannot possibly match up with this Detroit team. This is all Indy’s fault for coming back from 13 down in the last game against Chicago.
Indiana over Boston in 6
Let’s face it. The Celts are not a very good team. Indy has overcome way too much and the possibility of a Detroit-Indy series is giving David Stern the “ratings hives”. He’ll call in Steve Jaffey and Dick Bovetta to fix this series.
Washington over Chicago in 7
Who honestly cares about this series? The winner will get obliterated by Shaq and D-Wade in the next round anyway. I’m only picking the Wiz because I’m pissed at Chicago for not holding a 13-point lead against Indy, which relegated the Sixers to play against Detroit, when they could have played Boston and had a memorable 7-game series that rekindled the greatest rivalry in basketball history. Besides, I like saying “The Wiz”.
Round 1—West
Phoenix over Memphis in 5
I think Phoenix loses one game simply because they will get bored.
San Antonio over Denver in 7
I don’t think the Rich and Creamy Nougats are ready to take down the Spurs even though the Spurs are fading as a powerhouse. Besides no one is beating Tim Duncan at home in a Game 7. Not only will he dominate, but he will also bitch and moan so much the refs will simply hand it to the Spurs.
Seattle over Sacramento in 7
Let’s remember that Kenny Thomas and Brian Skinner are on the Kings. Plus, they have Peja Stojakovic who quite simply is another on the long list of NBA players that I wouldn’t even suit up for a meaningful game. He’s quite simply a terrible clutch player.
Houston over Dallas in 6
Dallas will pull one off in Houston and win another at home before bowing out. Let’s just face it, no team with Shawn Bradley AND Keith Van Horn will ever win anything meaningful. Speaking of meaningful games, has Michael Finley ever won anything meaningful? Didn’t think so…
Round 2—East
Miami over Washington in 5
Even if Chicago does beat the Wiz, they are certainly not beating Miami, even if Shaq is not totally healthy.
Detroit over Indiana in 5
It was a good run, but this Pacer team has no business being on the same court as Detroit. And as much as I would like to see vengeance for the brawl incident which, (by the way, Ben Wallace doesn’t get enough blame for his part in the brawl) effectively killed their season; it still isn’t going to happen.
Round 2—West
Phoenix over Houston in 5
Let’s just remember that the Steve Nash show also stars Shawn Merion and Amare Stoudamire. Houston has no one to stop these two, and the Rockets cannot keep up with anyone who can score gobs and gobs of points like Phoenix.
San Antonio over Seattle in 7
Okay, every round must have a series that goes the distance. With that said, I don’t think that Seattle has enough of everything to keep up with Duncan. Besides there will be another Game 7 in Texas which means more Duncan whining and complaining.
East Finals
Detroit over Miami in 7
Even though Game 7 is in Miami, I think there are too many flaws on the Heat to overcome. First, Eddie Jones isn’t good. Secondly, they have no depth. Thirdly, how can they possibly compete with the Wallaces and McDyess up front? And lastly, “Your World Champion Miami Heat” doesn’t quite sound right.
West Finals
Phoenix over San Antonio in 7
Instead of giving reasons why Phoenix will win, I want to rip on Tim Duncan. Frankly, he’s the most annoying player in basketball since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Kareem was good. I fact he was very good, but he couldn’t carry a team to the title by himself. Duncan is a player in the same mold. Plus, they both refuse to admit they committed a foul. Sometimes, you just have to raise your hand and say “yep, it’s on me.” Duncan will never do that because he is simply a weenie. An emotionless weenie. Weenies do not win titles unless they have superior talent behind them. Did Kareem ever take, let alone make, a game-winner against the Celtics? No. Who hit the game winner against the Knicks in 1999? Yes, it was Avery Johnson. Duncan won two titles because of character guys like David Robinson, who everyone overlooks because he was on the downside of his career, yet still had a monster series against New Jersey in 2003 even with a bad back and non-existent knees.
The Finals
Phoenix over Detroit in 7
It will be like Luke Skywalker against Darth Vader. The Red Sox versus the Yankees. USA vs. USSR. The Allies against the Nazis. Quite simply, it is good versus evil. On one side we have a team from Phoenix where it never rains. On the other is a team from Detroit where the sun cannot break through the thick and burgeoning mass of smog and filth. The Sun gives light and life to the earth. A Piston is a grease-covered hunk of metal in the engine compartment of a car that emits harmful gasses that will destroy our atmosphere. The Suns are a fast-paced fun basketball team to watch and have almost single-handedly help raise the standards of basketball in the NBA. The Pistons are coached by the Lord of Darkness himself, Larry Brown, who bitches and whines more than Tim Duncan. His players are not enjoyable people. Even Big Ben’s massive ‘fro has lost some of it’s flair. The NBA NEEDS Phoenix to win. Let’s bring all of the crooked refs out for one knock’em-down-drag’em-out series of blown calls and partisan officiating and give that title to Phoenix. Let’s Go Suns!
JR’s All-NBA Team
AI, Shaq, Steve Nash, King James, T-Mac
JR’s MVP
AI—Do the Sixers even win 10 games without him?
JR’s LVP (Least Valuable Player)
Ron Artest—He could have helped out if he wasn’t insane.
JR’s MDP (Most Dominant Player)
The Daddy
JR’s MBP (Most “Ballziest” Player)
Earl Boykins—the bro’s like the size of Webster
JR’s MVC (Most Valuable Canadian)
Nashie
JR’s MAP (Most Asinine Player)
Stephen Jackson
JR’s BFW (Biggest Friggin’ Whiner)
Tim Duncan
JR’s BBH (Biggest Ball Hog)
T-Mac
JR’s BRM (Best Rain Maker)
Damon Jones
JR’s BDWG (Biggest Dumb White Guy)
Michael Doleac
JR’s WGA (World’s Greatest Antangonizer)
Reggie Miller
JR’s MUC (Most Undeserving Champions)
The Detroit Pistons
JR’s MPSN (Most Porn Star-like Name)
Dirk Nowitzki
JR’s Please, Commish Stern, Give this guy some new teammates!
Yao
JR’s All Clutch Team
D-Wade, AI, T-Mac, Bibby, Big Shot Bob Horry, and REGGIE MILLER
JR’s Fourth Quarter ‘Fraidy Cats
Peja, Duncan, C-Webb, Mike Finley and the Chicago Bulls for not closing out the Pacers.
Coolest Name
Nené
Player you want to see in the game
Shawn Bradley
Player I can’t wait to hear in a press conference
Dikembe Mutombo
Just for the heck of it
Darko Milicic
All-Time Greatest Unis
The Rich and Creamy Nougats
Oh my God they’re still playing!
Christian Laettner, Brent Barry, Wesley Person, Cliff Robinson, Dale Davis
All-Rook Team
Ben Gordon, Emeka Okafor, Dwight Howard, Andre Iguodala, and Jameer (SJU, Baby!)
Coach who looks most like an NBA player
Nate McMillan, Doc Rivers, Kevin McHale
Coach who looks LEAST like an NBA player
Stan Van Gundy—He makes Drew Carey look NBA-Caliber
Coach who looks like he’s hung over
Jeff Van Gundy
Coach who looks like he has no clue
Jim O’Brien
Coach who really has no clue
Jim O’Brien
Coach who is in fact Beelzebub
Larry “The Antichrist” Brown
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