A LIFE IN SLOW MOTION

A voice from the dark...

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 15:30:36 GMT

Hi guys. Just a quick entry to let everyone know that I'm alive. I've already emailed most of you, but I wanted to post a public message to let readers know that I may be on Hiatus a while longer. It's been a challenging month. An aunt passed away, our harddrive died, my sister Leah was in a serious car accident, my step-father was hurt in the BP plant explosion in Texas City last week, and both my mother and Hel's mother have had health issues that have demanded our attention. Journaling has not been a priority. I truly hope that each and every one of you are doing well. And I should update again when I have good news to share. For now, other things just seem more important. I hope you all understand.

Parting with her past...

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 21:01:40 GMT

This is what I've spent the past two days on. Seems Isabel is starting an online shop for gently used baby clothes -- fabulous, fabulous idea -- and since I had some things I was going to put in a garage sale anyway, I told her I would send them to her. So I've been digging out Jacy's old clothes, shoes, photo frames, and hats, and packing them all into a box, neatly ironed and smelling still a little like her hair, to make the trip to Isabel's house.

If I'm honest, there's a bit of sadness in parting with these things. When I gave birth to her, we didn't plan on having any more children. We'd even planned on having my tubes tied a few weeks after her birth. But then something stopped me. I couldn't go through with it. When Hel mentions now that he'd like to have a vasectomy, I stall. It's not that I want another baby. I have the best of both worlds already -- a son, a daughter. Two is more than enough for our family. I just hate the thought of that option being closed to me, you know? I'm sure a lot of women can relate to that.

Still... I'm letting go of the things. It's part of the process. And since my sister already has more than enough hand-me-downs, I just hope these items get some good use. It's amazing to me all the snapshots of memory I can attribute to each piece, remembering her wearing them, the weight of her small body, the smell of her hair that still permeates the fabric. Even the sound of a small rattle evokes the scent of baby powder, a wet kiss, the lyrical tinkle of her tiny voice. I'm shocked at how much she's grown. But reminded too that she's still small... and that I should enjoy her while it lasts.

Anyway... as a side note, I wanted to mention that we didn't get that renter on Monday. But we did manage to sign papers on the car refinance and did even better than we expected on the payoff and interest rate, bringing our monthly savings to $125.00 as opposed to $88.00. So I'm tickled pink! Valentine's Day was quiet, but wonderful. And my computer still isn't fixed, but I'm finding ways to work around it. Jenn should be down before too long to help me with it anyway. So life is definitely good. J

Happy Valentine's Day!

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 04:08:04 GMT

Barebones Journaling...

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 16:07:32 GMT

Hey Guys! Things are fine here. Surprisingly, with all the madness we've had going on around here, I'm still feeling much better than I did a few weeks ago. Let me break it down for ya....

First of all, I don't really like writing about financial issues. I just feel like finances are private and there are too many judgements that come from outsiders, family, and friends, when one finds themselves in a financial pickle. Hel and I have been fortunate over the past 4 years to get ourselves out of debt, pay our bills on time, build our savings, stop living paycheck-to-paycheck, and gain excellent credit. So we haven't had to deal with financial issues in a long time.

But then we built a house. It was our ultimate goal. This house is the reason we worked so hard. And everything was still going fairly well. But each month, I noticed that the amount of money we were spending was less than the amount of money we were putting into the bank. Not good, right?

Then we lost our renter for the old house. Ouch. Total kick to the head. They left in December. So I made that December mortgage payment, on top of our new mortgage payment, and we suddenly found ourselves eating Ramen for dinner. [Not really, but you know what I mean. LOL]

It happened really fast. And we still haven't found a new renter. But instead of sitting around and crying about it, we decided to be pro-active. So this is where I've been and what I've been doing.

1. Hel got a new motorcycle!! Now, normally this would sound like a pretty stupid thing to do when you're in financial trouble, but it's actually a downgrade. And I'm really proud of him for doing it. It's saving us about $60 a month on the note and TONS on the insurance because all he has to carry on it is liability. And he found an insurance company who gave him $141 insurance for a YEAR, as compared to the $1000 a year full-coverage insurance we were paying through State Farm. Massive savings. And since he really only drives the stupid thing twice a month, I feel fairly comfortable carrying only the liability insurance.

2. Since we were on the topic of insurance, I also made some changes to my own insurance policy -- lowered the roadside assistance, took out the rental reimbursement, raised all my deductables, and removed a few things we didn't even need. That'll save us around $400 a year. I'm also going to start paying the policy in full every six months, rather than paying it monthly. The insurance company charges a fee each month to do monthly payments. So I'll pay it out of my savings account and then make the usual monthly payment to my savings account each month instead. This way, those fees go into my pocket, not theirs.

3. We've also refinanced the balance on my car. We just switched the note from one of our credit unions to the other. It took a few phone calls and it will save us around $88.00 a month! It's also about 2% less on the interest rate, so I'll save nearly $4000.00 interest on the balance of the loan! And it will still be paid off at the same time. Sweeeet.

4. Lastly, just when you thought I couldn't possibly save anymore money, I'm changing our electricity company. We've had deregulation here for nearly 3 years, but I've always just gone with the original best-known electricity company. In Houston, that's Reliant Energy. But they charge top dollar for their electricity when you can go with one of the other companies for a major deduction in the price per kilowat. So I'm switching to Gexa. By my calculations, this should save us approximately $20-$30 dollars every month on our electricity bill. Smart!

On top of all this, I've been clipping coupons, shopping at a grocery store that has double and triple coupon days, making sure all the lights, TV's, and fans are off in the house when we're not using them, being careful about our water usage, and just making smarter financial decisions overall. I'm feeling good about it. I'm teaching the kids to be less wasteful. And hopefully next month our bills will be DRASTICALLY lower!!

We've also been postings ads everywhere in an attempt to find a new renter or buyer for the old house. That part still hurts. But we finally had a call this week and we show the house tomorrow -- so keep your fingers crossed!

Oy. Bet you didn't really want to read all that, huh? LOL

Oh!! There is one thing I forgot to mention. My computer is totally screwed. I was looking at a site one day a few weeks ago and a popup came on the screen. I didn't mean to, but I accidentally clicked on it, and it downloaded something nasty on my computer. Now it barely works. It's like a big fat expensive paperweight! ARGH. Jenn is gonna have to come down and fix it for me again, but I don't know when she'll be able to make it down. [Jenn????] In the meantime, I'm stuck with Hel's computer -- which has NONE of the programs I need. So that stinks, and it means I may have to do some barebones journaling for a while, but at least I can still get online here.

Anyway... blah, blah, blah. I have a lot to catch up on. Thanks to everyone who sent emails and snail-mail in my absence. I'm sorry for being away so long and I'm sorry I worried some of you. I miss you guys!! And I know I haven't felt up to commenting lately. But I will. Today. Promise. :)

SloMo Samples!

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 08:23:01 GMT

Click on images to go to free sample offers!

Finding my Inner Smile...

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 21:58:24 GMT

Them There Eyes : Billie Holiday <-- Click to Listen

Used Books...

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 19:52:37 GMT

I've grown uneasy. Days pass and each morning I wake up, I tell myself that I'll write today. Even if I don't post an entry, I say to myself that I will write. But I don't write. I fill my mornings with distractions. I take walks. I read. I eat up the hours with details until there's no time left for anything else.

On the weekend, Hel and I go to Trader's Village and buy used books. I take "Little Birds" by Anaïs Nin, even though I care less for her erotica than I do her journals. It's a hardcover book, difficult to find, and only $2.00. We buy "To Kill a Mocking Bird" by Harper Lee and another Dostoyevsky novel. Both are deliciously cheap. The copy of "Crime and Punishment" is over 50 years old. It smells of wet wood, of attic scents, of something molding. I take all the covers off and put them, fresh, like-new, on the shelf in my office.

Every noise is an irritation. Albert is good for me, I know he is -- we have such wonderful conversations about books, and politics, and history. He's wise beyond his years. I introduce him to music and he feeds me information on war and poverty. When he has no work, we watch films together. He does the dishes only when I've gone out of the room, so that I'm unable to argue with him about it. Our house feels empty when he's gone.

But there are stresses that come with his being here too. For instance, the boy speaks to hear himself speak. I often wonder if he sleeps at all, or if he talks quietly through the night while we're all dreaming. In the morning, he sits in the office listening to music through his earphones while I try to check my mail. He never sits still. He's always moving, cleaning, speaking, asking, eating, planning, laughing, singing. Adult ADHD. I can hardly stand it.

One thing I prize highly is silence. Over the years, I've learned to drown out the noises that children make, but I'm still often affected by the noises of the television, radios, voices, phones ringing, dishes clattering loudly in the kitchen. It comes and goes. I've been particularly affected this week. My nerves seem constantly on edge.

There's nothing to be done about it, really. I want him here. It's just a matter of adjustment and avoidance. I'll learn to adjust to his being here and avoid situations that run me emotionally into the ground. Easier said than done? Time will tell...

My Easy-Bake Queen!

Sat, 15 Jan 2005 00:41:48 GMT

Jacy made her first cake today! Imagine my pride at her chocolate-frosted wonder. Ahhh... the girl after my own heart. ::big sigh:: LOL

She's been bragging about it all day. She got an Easy-Bake Oven this year from Santa, but since I've been busy with organizing, I haven't had much time to sit down and help her delve into her baking skills. I don't think I ever had an Easy-Bake Oven when I was a kid. If I did, I've forgotten it by now. And I guess over the years, I just grew to assume that it was actually a little oven... you know, with coils and stuff. But noooooo... it actually cooks with a lightbulb!

That's right. A lightbulb.

I thought this was a little strange, but hey, it worked! And she was so cute, so careful with her spoon and spatula. I was careful not to step in and help her too much. I wanted her to do it on her own. And when it was done, she sat down with a fork and ate every bite, save one taste for me. I nodded my approval and she grinned. Then she told me she wanted to do it again. :P

Hoo-rah for Organization!!

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 20:26:40 GMT

In 2003, I had everything neatly put together. Then 2004 came along and untied my whole life. It was a year of loose ends and frayed beginnings. I started the year unemployed. Over the next few months -- between learning how to live on a reduced budget and starting my own website design business -- we began looking into the possibility of building a house. It was a busy and exciting time, but little by little, the details of my life slipped out of my hands.

This is a huge deal for me -- control. When I don't have it, I feel ungrounded with a head full of nonsense. I don't like things left undone. I don't like clutter, physical or mental. I don't like feeling as if everything is beyond my control.

I think I'm trying to go into 2005 with a renewed sense of purpose and focus, with a great need to tie up all the loose ends in my life. I no longer want to feel like the girl come undone. Organization, stability, clarity. I'll claw my way back if I have to.

Having Hel's brother here helps because it inspires me to work harder, to be a good role model. And he inspires me in turn. He's already gotten a job. He's registered for school. He devours books and doesn't waste what precious time he has.

So I've taken notice. I feel blessed with work. And I've applied what free time I have to organizing my office this week. I bought boxes for my magazines and cd's, wicker baskets for storing large files, and still more boxes for photos, bills, and important papers. I'm freeing up the clutter and freeing up my mind. And it feels good.

There's still more work to be done, of course. I have books I want out of storage and furniture I need to restore. We need a new renter for the old house. I want to trade in my car and reduce my monthly payment. I want to make wiser financial decisions. I want to make room for new friends in my life. I want to be less wasteful, more generous, and more attentive to those around me. Writing these things down aren't enough. I have to DO them.

My father gave me a bracelet this Christmas with a charm that reads "Let God Steer". I love this little trinket because it's a constant reminder to me that not everything will, or should, be in my control. But if God is going to do the driving, I'd at least like to be the one reading the map, you know? LOL

[P.S. to Dad... see your ink drawing on the shelf? I lurve it. And you!]

December Netflix Reviews

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 16:55:27 GMT

My Netflix reviews for December. Actually, this will be our last month with Netflix. Money is tight right now and Blockbuster.com is running a sweeter deal -- $14.99 a month with two E-coupons for free in-store movie and game rentals each month. Netflix just can't compete with that.

I feel a little guilty, though. And a little sad. Netflix is what saved me from high late fees to begin with. They were, as far as I know, the first to do online rentals. When I talked with the Blockbuster rep yesterday, he claimed that when asked, the owner of Netflix said he started his business due to a $40 dollar late fee at Blockbuster.

The rep then claimed that they searched every transaction they'd ever done with the owner of Netflix and could find no such late fee. He seemed a little smug about this, so I quickly told him that it didn't matter if the story was true or not. I, myself, had been the victim of high late fees and that's why I'd been with Netflix for the past year. So there! Ha!

I don't think this really mattered to him. He was just thrilled that I'd come back. Ah well... Blockbuster, you may have my business. But Netflix has my heart. L