The Single Woman's Guide to the Universe

12:54:49 PM EDT


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10:20:23 PM EDT

The most unusual thing happened to me the other day at work. I was moving a pile of stuff from one place to another, my head down, intently focused on not dropping anything [Because I've become a colossal klutz these last few years. Shhhhh. Don't tell anyone, okay?] My hair -- which is more often in my face rather than away from it -- had done it's usual thing, and I wasn't seeing too well because of it. 

Out of nowhere, without any warning, and without uttering a single word, one of the guys I work with gently brushed a small section of it off my face and onto my neck to move it out of the way. His finger tips ever-so-slightly grazed my skin, and the touch was so gentle, that it sent a chill straight down my spine. However, I didn't physically or verbally acknowledge the touch, no less the feeling, and just kept on going. 

In that split second, I was reminded of how much I used to crave affection from members of the opposite sex whom I found attractive. More than anything else, affection (not sex, not a sense of belonging, not ego stroking, not even companionship), was the primary driving force behind my desire to date or take on a relationship. 

I was a cuddle junkie, if you will. And it was horrible. 

It was a merry-go-round I thought I'd never be able get off of, and it was the primary reason why I dated (and stuck with!) guys who were obviously not right for me on so many other levels. (Remember Mr. [Not So] Wonderful -- a.k.a. MW?)

Because I no longer feel the desire to be physically affectionate (though my cats would probably tell you otherwise), I thought it had abandoned me for good. Apparently not. Much to my shock, those feelings aren't dead after all. Just sleeping. [Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

Ah, sweet retreat.

Although I'm happy with where I am in my life right now, I'm also glad to know that if someday, the right guy comes along, I won't be blocked from wading back into the dating pool, should I desire to do so. 

Wonders never cease.  ="http://edit.journals.aol.com/_do/<!--WEBBOT%20bot=" -- ALT="Site Meter"startspan HTMLMarkup?>" target=_top> var site="SM1GUIDE"

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4:56:30 PM EDT

Say it aint so!

Recently, I read a helpful hint that was part of one of AOL's get organized (?) sections that said you can use Lemon Kool-Aid to rid your dishwasher of built-up mineral deposits.

Lemon Kool-Aid???

I used to drink that stuff when I was a kid. Even worse, about a week before I read that tip, I spent a small fortune on an even smaller bottle of dishwasher demineralizer -- a product that supposedly does the very same thing that one packet of Lemon Kool-Aid does. (In the dishwasher, that is.) I'm not sure whether to feel mad, mortified or amazed.         

What's next? Coca-Cola as a paint stripper, perhaps? Sheesh.  ="http://edit.journals.aol.com/_do/<!--WEBBOT%20bot=" -- ALT="Site Meter"startspan HTMLMarkup?>" target=_top> var site="SM1GUIDE"  
 

 

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11:54:33 PM EST

It was a very last minute thing. I called up and made the arrangements with trepidation. I was quoted a rate. $112 for what would take less than 15 minutes at best. [Ohmygosh. He had better be a god for that kind of money.]

I was a little nervous. I didn't like the idea of spending that kind of cash for something so . . . avoidable, but it had to be done. Admittedly, I had used their service a few times before, and had only been charged $75 for the same 15 minutes, but I guess with the cost of gas, etc.

Never mind.

So there I stood, waiting. He had been given explicit directions on how to find my abode and he was right on time. He parked behind my car. "No, no, no. That won't work. You'll have to park somewhere else. Over there. I can see three spots available, two together. Park in one of those instead", I directed. He drove off and passed the first parking spot. Then the second two.

Duh.

Upon realizing he passed all three spaces, he tried to back up and into the first space.

Aint gonna happen, cowboy.

He went back out on to the street, then came back in and managed to pass all three spaces A SECOND TIME.

Double duh.

I was getting the feeling it was a bad omen. If he ccouldn't even manage to find a gaping hole of a parking space -- TWICE -- then what else was he capable of fouling up?

On the third pass, he finally got it right, but by then, I knew I was in trouble. 

As he approached, he broke the news. "Unfortunately, you were misquoted over the phone. The rate is actually $169.", he said in a matter of fact tone. "WHAT???" I spewed. "That's some misquote!", I ranted. "Do you still want to continue?", he asked with a sense of doubt. I hesitated for a moment. "You're here. It has to be done. Let's just get it over with.", I lamented.

He followed me up the stairs and to the door. I didn't ask him if he was married or had a girlfriend, and honestly, I didn't care. There was no use in making small talk. We both knew what had to be done, so why waste pleasantries.  "Go ahead. I'll be right there.", I said.

Forty five minutes later . . .

He still wasn't done. I was cold and tired and I wanted it to be over. I couldn't believe it took him that long. The other guys were so much faster. But . . . as my gut hinted long before he started, he obviously had NO CLUE what he was doing.

At long last, he finished. I was relieved.

Unfortunately, within that 45 minutes, the rate had jumped yet again. "That will be $199, and I can even take credit cards!", he announced gleefully.

I wanted to smack him. Hard.

But I didn't. Instead, I grudgingly handed over the plastic.

"I don't get it. Why was tonight so much more expensive than the other times?" I whined. "It was spur of the moment, and of course, you called past normal business hours.", he explained. 

"Emergency lock-out service is never cheap.", he said.

He had a point.

But not a date. Not with me, anyway.

So, I lied. Sue me. However, the story and the details are real. Very real, unfortunately, and so were the rates. As a matter of fact, it happened just last night. Oh, it was fun. My hair was wet, and I had on open toe shoes and a lightweight leather coat because I had only planned to be outside for a few minutes. (Until that split second after the door closed and I realized I had left my keys inside of course.) [Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!] The cherry on the cake was that it took him 45 minutes of trying to jimmythe lock, only to tell me that he couldn't do it, so he'd have to drill it off and replace the whole knob, key and all.

Fabulous. And for an additional fee, of course.

And about the dating thing? Well, I haven't been in contact with any of my exes, been on a date or a dating site in at least two years now (maybe longer? I lost track), and it has been the most blissful, stress-free time I can ever remember. In short, life is good. 

Just wanted to share, though, since it has been several months since I've written anything or stopped in. My life is so different now than it was when I was in the thick of journaling here. Do I have a journal or a blog elsewhere? Nope. This is it. Even though I don't come here much any more, I try to keep the account active because I just never know when I might have the urge to write about a $200 "date". ::grin:: ="http://edit.journals.aol.com/_do/<!--WEBBOT%20bot=" -- ALT="Site Meter"startspan HTMLMarkup?>" target=_top> var site="SM1GUIDE"  

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12:29:41 AM EDT

Important Disclaimer: I DID NOT write the diary entries below. Nope. Found 'em online. Additionally, the person who accidentally discovered this posting said they found it on someone's blog. I'd love to give the author credit for this, but I have no idea who that person is or where to find them. Bummer. Regardless, if you are a cat or a dog fan or just need a hearty laugh, here's the ticket:

[Side Note: Now, instead of using my own charms to try to make you smile, I'm having to depend on someone else's instead! Sheesh. Oh, woe is me.]    

----- ~***~ -----

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Day 984, I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hearthe noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 985, I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... ="http://edit.journals.aol.com/_do/<!--WEBBOT%20bot=" -- ALT="Site Meter"startspan HTMLMarkup?>" target=_top> var site="SM1GUIDE"  

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10:18:12 PM EDT

[Ha, ha, ha, yeah right. But I have to admit, for a while there, he gave my "I'm staying single for the rest of my life" mindset a run for a money.] 

Tall, blonde, blue eyed, mid to late 30's, intelligent, strikingly handsome and charming. Alarmingly charming. And English. D*mmit. 

Flash back to last night: I was driving home after a long day of errands and appointments. It was hot. I was tired. My mind started to drift as it tends to do when I've got nothing in particular to think about. For some reason, the thought crossed my mind that when I was younger (teens through my late 20's) I tended to be attracted to blondes. The blonde haired, blue eyed variety specifically. As I got older, however (thirties to whenever it was that I stopped dating) my taste shifted to brunettes, and just for those few fleeting seconds, I wondered why.

"Blondes are fun, but they also seem a little more reckless. They're trouble with a Capital T", I surmised.

Pfaff! What nonsense. I've had just as much trouble with brunette men as I have with blonde ones. But for whatever reason, I just stopped being as attracted to blondes.

Until today.

Oh. My. Gosh.

You could have pushed me over with a feather. It was almost embarrassing. 

Things got even more interesting when while in the midst of some small talk, he said that his marriage of 10 years dissolved because his wife ran off and left him for a TV evangelist a few months ago. And the divorce just became final last week. ::gasp::

[Whoah, Nikki! Behave yourself. You're at work. Must be professional. Remember: this is business. But D*mn he's hot. And nice. And English.]

"I'm done with the short fat ones. Too much trouble" he muttered under his breath. "Now, it's tall black ones for me", he added with a mischievous smile."

And then . . ."blah, blah, blah. . . my new Jamaican girlfriend . . ."

** POP **

Oh well. It was fun to dream for those fleeting 30 minutes or so.  

But what the heck was THAT all about??? What was the universe trying to tell me? That I'm not as interested in being unattached as I believe I am? But I LIKE being single. I really do! There's no stress, I can do what I want when I want, and I don't have to worry about if I'm being played. This works for me. Doesn't it?

Well, doesn't it?  [It sure feels like it does.] 

Could it be that all this time, it's just my mind's way of keeping me from being hurt again? 

Hmmm.

But even so, what would I have to offer? In short: nothing. I'm now very selfish about the precious bit of free time I have, and there's no way that I'm going to bend over backwards to accomodate the needs of a significant other. Those days are over. If it doesn't suit me, I'm not doing it. Period. On top of that, the little bit of physical appeal I used to have is loooooong gone. I put on a lot of weight, and I gave up on looking nice a few years ago. Now I'm strictly wash and wear. Makeup? Ha! No way. Nice clothes? What are those? I went from skirts and dresses to floppy, oversized t-shirts and medical scrubs. And my attitude is:don't even think about asking me out on a date. (Not that anyone would anyway.)  

So as I said, it was fun to daydream for that short period of time this afternoon, but the reality is, even if he was interested (which of course, he wasn't), I wouldn't have known what to do about it anyway. Regardless, it was a big surprise to find out that if the right guy came along, I might actually be persuaded to try my hand at dating just one more time.     

But for now, it's back to my current life. My comfortable life. The life I feel safe and happy with.

Just thought I'd share. <Ahref="http://edit.journals.aol.com/_do/<!--WEBBOT%20bot=" -- ALT="Site Meter"startspan HTMLMarkup?>" target=_top> var site="SM1GUIDE"  

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7:22:47 PM EDT

I almost forgot how good your photography was.

Almost. :-)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Tiggs,

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11:05:46 PM EDT

Yes, you're right, Jenn. It's cherry blossom season again. You have spectacular timing. I was just thinking about that entry yesterday. And thanks for the compliment, by the way. 

Two years after the fact and I'm still so glad to finally have had enough sense and moreover, STRENGTH to walk away and stay away. No ill wishes. I'm just relieved to have come out the other side in more or less one piece. I have no idea what has happened with MW since then because once I said goodbye for good, that was it. [Next!] 

The world I live in now is so radically different. After I gave up on dating and trying to find true love, my life shifted gears in a way that was completely unexpected. Fortunately, everything fell into place. Yes, I'm quiet now, but all is still very well. I could share my new pursuits here and write about the details of my days, but this simply isn't the place for it. That, and I mostly keep to myself these days (unless I'm working, in which case, it's imperative that I be chatty and engaging).    

Here's hoping you're doing well, too.

Nikki

 

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11:27:02 PM EDT

My blinker is broken again. Arggggh! I would swear I replaced both blinker bulbs no more than 6 months ago because they stopped working within two weeks of each other.

Anyway, the really weird thing is, I've noticed that in my travels, I make about three times as many left turns as I do right turns.

Bizarre. Just bizarre.
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1:21:33 AM EDT

I'm not exactly what you'd call a technology freak. To give you an idea of how just how out of step I am with the rest of the world, I still have the same 13" color TV that I got as a gift when I moved out of my parent's house 23 years ago, and it's still my only TV. Since I don't have cable, I get a total of three channels on a good day and that's plenty for me.

As far as the Internet goes, yes, I have it, but I'm still using dial-up. Why? Why not? It's slower than molasses, but it does the job and that's good enough to cover my basic needs.

Which brings me to my cell phone. I can't remember the last time I got a new one. Let it suffice to say, mine looks something like a metallic blue brick. And it's just about as useful as one, too.

So today, after putting it off for as many years as I possibly could, I wandered into a wireless phone store determined to come out with a low budget pay as you go plan AND bite the bullet and get a more up-to-date phone. (Because I have to tell ya, there's nothing more embarrassing than squeezing my little handbag too tight under my arm which in turn pushes the key pad on my phone and inevitably ends up dialing someone I really, really don't want to speak to. 'Nough said.)

Salesman #1 was an idiot. When I admitted that I was totally clueless about cell phones, then asked him what would best suit my simple requirements, he waved his hand toward the vast wall of technology in front of us and said: "Any one of those.", and promptly walked away. 

[Oooo, hey thanks, genius.]

Salesman #2 was infinitely more helpful and came running up from the back of the store after glaring at Salesman #1. He seemed to know a lot more about the phones, but more importantly, he was willing to SHARE that knowledge with me and patiently answered all my questions. As it turns out, he was the Assistant Store Manager. [Ah ha!]     

Unfortunately, I ran out of time before I could make up my mind, so I had to toddle off to my appointment, however, I was determined to come back afterwards and make my final decision. [This story is a lot longer than I thought it would be, but stay with me. I'm getting there.]

True to my intentions, I did show up later that afternoon, ready and willing to walk out of there with a shiny new phone that weighed less than ten pounds and had a flip top cover. Salesman #3 (more specifically saleswoman] was the one who closed the deal. Not only did she know a boatload about the phones and the myriad of different plans available, but she knew specific details about all of their unique features -- even more than the Assistant Store Manager knew. I explained that all I really needed was a phone that could take pictures since when I'm out and about, it would be far easier to snap a quick pic than to make written notes and sketch details on paper.

And that's exactly what I got. But it's super slim, it's digital instead of analog, has a large color screen instead of a small, monotone green one, and OHMYGOD! you can take videos with sound, check e-mail and REPLY to them on the spot, do Google searches, listen to music, watch news clips, even enter appointments with alarms! And all this for a silly low price which included the phone, a car charger, TWO portable travel chargers (I didn't want a case) and this neat wireless headset!!! Plus a rebate for another $70 off of all of that!!!

For the rest of the afternoon and well into this evening, I was as giddy as a 3-year-old with a case of chocolate bars. I won't tell you how many photos or videos I took, or how many times I logged in and checked my e-mail or the weather forecast. Even just PUSHING THE BUTTONS was fun. The keypad on my old phone was so stiff that you practically had to break your fingers to get it to dial. Unless, of course, it was in my handbag, and then it would dial whoever and whenever it wanted to with very little assistance from me.

So needless to say, yet again, I'm a happy camper.

Oh, and on a final note, since everything else was going bye-bye, I figured I'd do myself a favor and ditch my old number, too. It's just onemore great way to make sure that what now lives in the past STAYS in the past.

Hallelujah for cheap thrills!
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