My Rambling Mind

6:45:52 PM EST

I've moved! You can check me and my crazy mind out here:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/emergingangelic/

Thanks for the support!

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9:21:52 PM EST
Feeling Worried
Hearing Dido-the old stuff

Ha. I can feel it coming again. I can feel it just like I felt it last time---I'm going to fall. I'm just going to breakdown once more. I can feel it---that train wants to come back for a second round. I'm dead because I can't stop it from hitting me. I can block things out, I can pretend I don't hear that train whistle blowing but that makes it hurt so much worse. And God bless Jen, I love her to death. She's trying to cheer me up, to tell me that things will turn out better in the end. She's so sweet . . . lol that's why she's my favorite canadian!!! hehe! Well, we've decided we won't think about all my problems anymore . . . lol we're hoping they'll all just go away. But my question is:

What do I do if they don't just go away? Can I face another breakdown?

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10:11:18 PM EST
Feeling Worried
Hearing Here With Me-Dido & more angst

So here I am, waiting for this train to hit me but secretly believing it will just back down; that I am too strong a force for it . . . riiiight. *SMACK* The train hits and everything came down with it. Like I said, when things hit, they hit HARD. This is the hardest hit I believe I've taken in a long time . . . ever since my "recovery." If you can call it that . . . I still get flashbacks that last for awhile (at least a week).

I don't even KNOW exactly what set it all off . . . most likely something stupid, like my foul shot not going in. All I know is, I wasn't making them and I was low because of it . . . just because. Then, combinations of things started to happen: being the LAST invited to scrimmage, not knowing the varsity plays therefore screwing over our whole team on offense, none of my shots going in, having Mandy Wightman chase me into the locker room after I came out of the game (feeling like shit by this point) and yell at me about not giving her 5 . . . the last set me off completely. If I don't feel social, if I cannot bear to be with MYSELF anymore, then I shut myself off --she saw it as a sign of disrespect and chased me down until I showed her respect and got chewed out. That was the last straw. The tears that threatened to fall before just came down. I gave her 5 to make her leave me but she yelled at me and I let out a muffled and whimpered "i'm sorry" and ran into a locker room stall. She left, throwing something behind her to teach me a lesson and I tried to keep my cries quiet so she wouldn't know. I heard the door shut and I broke down. Completely. And utterly alone besides the 13 girls outside the in the gym who didn't notice I was gone. I cried and cried and screamed horrible things to myself that only I could hear.

Why am I so worthless? Why am I so helpless? Why can't I do anything right? Why does no one care in the slightest? Why am I so alone? I'M WORTHLESS . . .

I spent about a 1/2 hour crying and getting over my crying so no one would notice. I slipped out like I always dobut Coach V made me stop to talk. I lied. I said everything was fine. I lied once again. I left. No one noticed.

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9:56:10 PM EST
Feeling Worried
Hearing Numb-Linkin Park and angst galore

Not entirely sure how long this entry will go on for but I do know I'm in a certain place I'd really rather not be. So, it's been ages since I've posted anything on here and honestly, I'm okay with that because my life has been, to this point, a happy little hectic rollercoaster . . . but now I'm finding that this rollercoaster is coming down from its high and isn't too happy anymore . . . much less little. I'm okay with that too because as long as I'm busy, I'm okay; I'm fine as long as I move fast enough to skid right by the bad things that I should be dealing with. Ha . . . but I'm not dealing with these things and that may be the problem in the end. I've been bouncing all over the place, doing everything, being everyone, that when things hit me, they either hit me hard or have the mirror effect--where I see it but I reflect it back, AWAY from me. I don't let things get to me too easy but sadly, the littlest things can set me off which is so contradictory that I confuse myself. But I've faced the fact that I'm just a contradictory person, I AM two people trying to be one but both are fighting for preference. And I'm so confused on how I can just be ME when there seems to be TWO of me. It's so confusing but really, that doesn't bother me . . . I can just let that go--I deal and move on as if it is nothing to me because I honestly don't have the heart to delve deeper into myself.

I could feel it coming, like a train when you cross the tracks: you see the bright light but you're already in the crosshairs so where do you turn? Do you go back or go forward? So, like the bright train light, I saw it coming, all the sirens in my head went off, telling me not to go there or to atleast turn and run as fast as I could. But, no, I just HAD to deal with it . . . I just HAD to believe it would go away like all that has come before. It didn't go away and I was staring danger in the eyes, unable to move, drawn nearer toward it with every passing second. TBC

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12:59:32 PM EST
Feeling Sad
Hearing Dido

Ahhh yes, once again, the devastatingly sick feeling of loss. Black River played VASJ last night for the regional playoff title. We lost 14-24. The football players cried. The band cried. The cheerleaders cried. The fans cried. We wanted this game so badly. We've never gotten past the regional championship game in school history and this was the year we had a chance. Now, we'll never have this chance again. Yes, we still have a great squad of guys and we'll be keeping a good number of them . . . but we've lost 15 seniors---the heart of our team. We're keeping great guys like Brad, Jared, and Charlie . . . but next year they'll be seniors. And out of our whole offensive attack, we're keeping 2 of them (Brad and Jared). Out of that, we're keeping about half of our defensive attack . . . but we'll never be the same. After we lost, there was a distinct hush over the crowd . . . the community was quiet and cold, feeling the loss as much as our seniors felt it. In the paper, there were pictures of us . . . one of Brad with his head in his hands, probably crying. One of a senior cheerleader, Mandi, with her hands covering her eyes, unable to watch us lose. And the band . . . we cheer our little brains out! Becky was on the verge of tears was we left the stadium. Brigette and Kim broke down in tears at the sight of our boys, crying and devastated, exited the stadium into the locker room. Jamie and Shayla were crying for their boys; Jamie for Brad and Shayla for Don. We went to the bus in agony, ready to go home. Our boys made a great run of it but there was still a feeling of wanting more.

After a good cry and talk of needing to be sad for awhile, Siwicki decided that we were not going to be sad and that he refused to do so. Well, he was infectious and soon we were all (kim, me, and siwicki) laughing and planning things to do when I got my driver's liscence. LOL . . . we decided that Kim and I would go pick up Siwicki for his birthday and we'd go out somewhere . . . that would be lots of fun. And we decided that we feel bad for Kim because she doesn't get her TEMPS until Feb. 9th. LOL! Well . . . I need to work on my French project . . .  so I'm going to go do that---just figured I'd inform the world of our devastating loss on Saturday.

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9:05:47 PM EST
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing Dido

Well, it's been quite some time. I'd be very surprised if anyone came back to read this. It's been a couple weeks. So, what's new in my world? Well, a lot actually . . . In Band, two of the oboes were stolen from the instrument room and sold to a pawn shop by a girl in our grade. That was quite odd and an interesting ordeal. Latest on that: the oboes have been recovered and the suspect (whom we pretty much KNOW did it) is in deep trouble.

Secondly, adding the the drama of Black River, Justine Bailey has gone missing. She was last seen/heard from last Friday. No one knows where she has gone and it's starting to worry me. Apparently, she took nothing but her cell phone with her, no clothes, not her new truck, nothing like that. I hope she comes back soon . . . I miss her already and it doesn't even seem like she's really gone . . .

Good news: B RIV has advanced to the regional finals in the football playoffs! OH YEA! We played Orrville for the quarterfinal game and won 41-10. Then, we played Triway for the semi-final game . . . bear in mind that Triway robbed us of our Conference title by 2 points . . . grrrr BUT we avenged our loss, beating them 28-14 (or something like that)! Now we play Cleveland's Villa Angela-Saint Joseph for the regional final game! We're 10-2 and they're 8-4 but they've play some freakin hard teams (I was reading about them tonight)! I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope we win. We want it so badly . . . our seniors (and our boys in general) deserve it. They've played SO hard and they need this win! We WANT this win! I hope we get it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let us get this win! We play at Brunswick stadium on Saturday . . . *crosses fingers and hopes* I hope we win!

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8:16:27 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Basketball season has officially (kind of) began! Well, conditioning has begun, that counts, right? It's really fun . . . yea, conditioning is almost the devil (almost hehe) but at least I'm getting a good workout from it! I love basketball at this moment . . . I wish all season would be like this---I don't feel left out and I actually feel included (that was saying two of the same things, wasn't it?). At least I'm feeling a whole lot better about this coming basketball season . . . this is great compared to my previous feeling . . . doom. LOL! Okay, maybe a little dramatic but oh well . . . I'm sick of writing at the moment so I'm going to go do something---not sure what, but I'm doing something else! LOL! Have a great day!

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9:58:16 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Letting the Cables Sleep-Bush

Basketball season is right around the corner. I love basketball---I love playing it, improving at it, and just having fun with it. Now, I'm not terribly great at it but it's fun, so I try anyways. Open gyms are on Sunday nights, like tonight . . . The only problem I have with this is the resurfacing feeling of not belonging. I go to these things, these extra things, and I try to fit in and feel like I belong. Unfortunately, I know that I do not belong. No matter how many things I go to, how many people I talk to, how many people I try to keep from annoying, I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I see the way they all look at me . . . I know they wonder why I'm still here. I know they don't want to talk to me . . . so I keep to myself but I feel so lonely. I'm tired of being lonely but there's no other way . . . I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so frustrating to try and understand----trying to understand myself and where I fit in are so hard. I can't understand myself. I can't understand why I'm doomed to this life of everyone else but always being left out. I've got friends, but not best friends. I just don't understand why. My TRUE life . . . that's a secret only discovered by those who read this . . . maybe that's the problem. But I've learned too much about how NOT to trust to be any different.

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8:41:04 PM EDT
Feeling Worried
Hearing With Or Without You-U2---good angst

Let's track back to Friday for a minute . . .for everyone else, this was an awesome day: people gained friends and all was right with the world. Now let's go inside my head: I've lost friends, allienated my own being, and lost control of myself. My heart throbs in aching pain; pain I cannot allieviate no matter what. My soul is bleeding and I cannot stop the emotions from flowing so freely. These are not good emotions.

Lauri, a fellow graveshift member, wrote a fic called "Outted" and the title seemed appropriate for what I was/am feeling. I've been outted. There's nothing I fear more than trusting and being completely wrong about those I am trusting. I have once again, hit the lottery on the friendships I've chosen. Not. Why is it that some people can be betrayed and still run back to those who have shown themselves unworthy . . . I, too, have been guilty of this but it is not me that I am concerned about---it's the people whose lives I have to clean up after the next disaster.

When people are betrayed and hurt, who takes care of them, nurses their wounds, and builds them up afterwords? I do. Do you know what I get for it? I get left after everything blows over. I get outted . . . I am good for the healing part and nothing else; never anything else. Damnit, I am fucking tired of taking care of other people and then getting left in the dirt. I am sick of all the pain that comes from being everyone's savior when I know what will happen once they get back on their feet. I'm sick of being the world's  best friend only when needed. I'm sick of getting this pit in my stomach bigger than my being. I'm sick of being outted. I'm sick of getting left behind, tossed aside like something with no value. I'm sick of singing myself to sleep in trying to heal the pain that has been inflicted on me. I'm sick of being uncared for and I'm most definately sick of being stuck with all this pain. I've carried it inside for far too long . . . this pain doesn't go away behind the mask of nonchalant, everyday living. The worst part is . . . no one ever notices or ever cares.

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5:05:34 PM EDT
Feeling Ecstatic
Hearing Meant To Live-Switchfoot

Okay, on Monday, I went to Driver's Ed because I have to take my 24 hours before I can get my license & all that jazz. I brought my Temps packet w/ me so I could fill out all the paperwork. When I left, I knew that I had my Temporary Driver's ID--okay so I go in on Tuesday and this time I actually fill out the paper--lol And guess what? The ID is NO WHERE TO BE FOUND! Oh my gosh--so I'm completely screwed out of my mind for awhile . . .

I've been looking for this damn ID EVERYWHERE, and I mean everywhere: looked in the Driver's Ed room, looked in Dad's car 3 times, cleaned my damn room, hell we (the teacher and I) even looked under the damn rug--not to mention that I went looking through ALL of Cori's stuff just incase! Goodness! So, giving up on ever finding this thing, my mom wakes me up this morning to go down the Ashland AAA building to get a new driver's ID. Guess what? If you lose ANY part of that damn packet (even the FREAKING ID) you have to start all over again! DAMNIT! We left there and went to the Am-vets Post to take the written test OVER AGAIN! But we go there and apparently we need some sort of forms from the AAA building. BUT we can't get those without my birth certificate---which conviently we don't have b/c we lost the copy of it I took on the Bahamas trip. So, we drive from downtown Ashland to the Medina H-D which is CLOSED ON SATURDAYS!!!! grrrr! (Last time, I used my Social Security Card and my Photo ID but they took away my Photo ID). I was sure that the fact that all this happened today was proof that fate (or God, either one) was telling us not to give up on this damn card yet.

Mom and I head home & I go to clean my room once more and do some laundry while she cleans the house (looking for the Birth Certificate copy). As I'm doing my laundry and folding clothes, it hits me: I remember when I realized it was lost--I was filling out that damn paper. Before this, I was looking in the places I'd been on Monday night, not Tuesday!!! So, I tell my mom this & I run out to the car. I check the consol and there it was, shoved in some bank envelope!!!! I sprint back into the house & scream: I FOUND IT! Whew, big weight lifted from my chest!!! So now, everything's good because I don't have to restart my Temps!!!

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