My Rambling Mind

So here I am, waiting for this train to hit me but secretly believing it will just back down; that I am too strong a force for it . . . riiiight. *SMACK* The train hits and everything came down with it. Like I said, when things hit, they hit HARD. This is the hardest hit I believe I've taken in a long time . . . ever since my "recovery." If you can call it that . . . I still get flashbacks that last for awhile (at least a week).

I don't even KNOW exactly what set it all off . . . most likely something stupid, like my foul shot not going in. All I know is, I wasn't making them and I was low because of it . . . just because. Then, combinations of things started to happen: being the LAST invited to scrimmage, not knowing the varsity plays therefore screwing over our whole team on offense, none of my shots going in, having Mandy Wightman chase me into the locker room after I came out of the game (feeling like shit by this point) and yell at me about not giving her 5 . . . the last set me off completely. If I don't feel social, if I cannot bear to be with MYSELF anymore, then I shut myself off --she saw it as a sign of disrespect and chased me down until I showed her respect and got chewed out. That was the last straw. The tears that threatened to fall before just came down. I gave her 5 to make her leave me but she yelled at me and I let out a muffled and whimpered "i'm sorry" and ran into a locker room stall. She left, throwing something behind her to teach me a lesson and I tried to keep my cries quiet so she wouldn't know. I heard the door shut and I broke down. Completely. And utterly alone besides the 13 girls outside the in the gym who didn't notice I was gone. I cried and cried and screamed horrible things to myself that only I could hear.

Why am I so worthless? Why am I so helpless? Why can't I do anything right? Why does no one care in the slightest? Why am I so alone? I'M WORTHLESS . . .

I spent about a 1/2 hour crying and getting over my crying so no one would notice. I slipped out like I always dobut Coach V made me stop to talk. I lied. I said everything was fine. I lied once again. I left. No one noticed.

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