My Rambling Mind

Not entirely sure how long this entry will go on for but I do know I'm in a certain place I'd really rather not be. So, it's been ages since I've posted anything on here and honestly, I'm okay with that because my life has been, to this point, a happy little hectic rollercoaster . . . but now I'm finding that this rollercoaster is coming down from its high and isn't too happy anymore . . . much less little. I'm okay with that too because as long as I'm busy, I'm okay; I'm fine as long as I move fast enough to skid right by the bad things that I should be dealing with. Ha . . . but I'm not dealing with these things and that may be the problem in the end. I've been bouncing all over the place, doing everything, being everyone, that when things hit me, they either hit me hard or have the mirror effect--where I see it but I reflect it back, AWAY from me. I don't let things get to me too easy but sadly, the littlest things can set me off which is so contradictory that I confuse myself. But I've faced the fact that I'm just a contradictory person, I AM two people trying to be one but both are fighting for preference. And I'm so confused on how I can just be ME when there seems to be TWO of me. It's so confusing but really, that doesn't bother me . . . I can just let that go--I deal and move on as if it is nothing to me because I honestly don't have the heart to delve deeper into myself.

I could feel it coming, like a train when you cross the tracks: you see the bright light but you're already in the crosshairs so where do you turn? Do you go back or go forward? So, like the bright train light, I saw it coming, all the sirens in my head went off, telling me not to go there or to atleast turn and run as fast as I could. But, no, I just HAD to deal with it . . . I just HAD to believe it would go away like all that has come before. It didn't go away and I was staring danger in the eyes, unable to move, drawn nearer toward it with every passing second. TBC

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