One Step To The Left...

epiphanies-closure & other such garbage
Current mood: okay
Category: Blogging

i finally received a message back from an "old friend" (used very loosley) that's been in and out of my life for 30 of his 33 years on this planet.

about a month ago just for haha's i went searching just to see if he was on myspace.  wasn't i surprised when i actually found him.  i actually wasn't expecting to.  obviously, he needed to be found.

well, i decided to send a little message his way pretty much saying where the hell have you been and where's the giant apology you owe me from the last time we spoke.

very long story but the gist of it was he insisted that i bring him to the airport after coming home & visiting with his family & kids.  i kept telling him he should just spend the extra time with his children but he insisted that this is what he wanted.  so, stupid me, cancelled plans to do something with my family (it was a big deal, trust me) so that i could keep my promise to him & bring him to the airport.

well, something told me to call, just to make sure that everything was going as planned & sure enough he was wicked rude on the phone & said that he needed to be with his kids & why did i think that he was going to leave them to go with me?????????? EXCUSE ME!!!!!!  anyway, like i said, my fucking fault for actually believing that he was going to follow through even though they were HIS plans.  needless to say, that was oh, at least two years ago and he hasn't spoken to me since.  ok...... back to now.

so i send my little message and i was actually nicer than i remembered being because after about a week or so he actually answered me.  my message was on the bottom of his answer which was how i knew that i wasn't half the bitch that i should have been.  but, i guess i'm getting either softer or nicer in my old age.  i suppose it depends which side of me your on at the time.

so i write him back informing him that he's sadly mistaken, it is not I that owes him an apology but the other way around.  he was upset about being accused of being something quite nasty.  the fact was i was just the messenger, not the accusor.  but, if that's what he needs to justify his lack of friendship, so be it.

now usually that would bother me to no end.  i would chew on it and worry it like a dog with a bone.  but for some reason this time, i'm ok.  i'm not the least bit obsessive over the fact that he has his facts wrong.  i don't feel as though i need to justify myself, to him or anyone else.  matter of fact i feel pretty damned good.  liberated!!  that's a HUGE step for me as i tend to want closure on MY terms and my terms only.  and if it takes me 20 years to do it, i'll wait the 20 years, the entire time wasting precious energy on someone who totally does not deserve it.

well, not any more baby :)  i'm ok.  i don't feel the need to validate, justify, clarify or any other fy, LOL.  i'm OK....

that feels sooooooo good.

hooray for small epiphanies. 

till the next time...................

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• #1 Comment from rdautumnsage 
  5/3/08 5:27 PM | Permalink

  Sounds like a great epiphany to me! When someone is so shallow they can't admit they were wrong, seriously they are not worth another thought. You tried to be there for him and he took it out of context. Your better off without him. (Hugs) Indigo
  http://journals.aol.com/rdautumnsage/ravens-lament/