One Step To The Left...

DIS-orders of the mind... not always what you think!

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 06:07:09 GMT

DIS-orders of the mind... not always what you think
Current mood: distraught
Category: Blogging

i FINALLY had an appointment with a psychiatrist, as opposed to a psycholgist. waited a pretty long time to get an appointment, which is normal these days. guess there are alot more folks with maladies of the mind than there used to be. whatever.. i finally got in.

she was very nice and the appointment was really not what i expected. i thought it would be 900 questions as i've had to do before going in for certain surgeries (yup, they check your head before opening the bod...strange huh)... anyway, it wasn't 900 questions, but just regular talking... looking at my chart, asking a few pointed questions regarding hallucinations ... no, they're not hallucinations in the sense of someone who is schizophrenic. any manic episodes??? no, that really doesn't count as "manic"... sleep disorder... well, 1-4 hours sucks, but it's because of your body and the injuries you've sustained, which are alot and in and of themselves would cause quite a bit of depression... oh yes, you're depressed but not bi-polar in any sense of the word... AT ALL... there aren't even any real hypO types of manic mood swings. oh, the rage, and those mood swings... definetly a biproduct of DEPRESSION itself, not bi-polar.

extremely horrible down in the dirt lack of self esteem.... more so than regular depression and something triggered it in the past year or so. possibly the death of your grandmother.. possibly your joining a grove... those two things are HUGE changes in ones life. could they be the trigger that caused the immense lack of self-esteem?????

doesn't sound like being in the grove is a good thing for you, especially where your HP, who USED to be your best friend and room mate is no longer that and is moving out. so how does he continue to function as your HP without there being any anamosity??? doesn't sound like a good thing to be subjecting yourself to.... again, should i stay there? is it worth what i can learn spiritualy to have my self-esteem trampled on in the process???? can i seperate myself emotionally in order to learn what i want to, without damaging myself further? it's supposed to be an enlightening, happy experience. so far, hasn't been so. not sure why. not one particular incident that i could honestly say triggered it.

BUT, the most important of BUTS here... I AM NOT BI-POLAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which is a very good thing because i'd already come to the decision that if that were the case i would NOT, and i repeat, would NOT take any of the psychotropic (or whatever they're called) DRUGS!!!

oh ya, speaking of drugs... haveing been on crystal meth for at least 12 years out of my life i've definetly damaged the dopamine capacity (or something like that) in my brain.... it's damaged my ability to produce the dopamines necessary to maintain a healthy, happy existene. can it be repaired? NO... can i help it along with anti=depressants? possibly. so i will try another one. a rather old anti-depressant... ELAVIL... in very tiny doses... starting at only 5mg, or if i have to, and can actually split hte pill into quarters, i can start on 2.5mg and raise it up to 10mg as i see fit.

i'll see the psychologist in two weeks and in the meantime i will continue with my regular therapy, which i've increased to twice a week and then hopefully, join this "special" type of group that deals with folks that are dealing with the type of post traumatic stress disorder that i have that is due specifically to being molested when i was young. unfortunetly these days that's not something that is that unusual. there are MANY woman, and i do believe many more men (not so advertised) that have been brought in to adult hood through molestation of some sort. isn't that completely disgusting????? i cannot believe that in this day and age so much of that goes on... alot more of it goes on than anyone would ever want to admit, and not just in this country. in other countries, its not unusual for children to be sold into sexual slavery and if they die or become "useless" because of it, so be it or they're killed to make way for a new one. it makes me want to VOMIT!!!

anyway, that's what's going on so far, so my family can just fuck off and have to deal with the fact that they're wrong in wanting me to be manic. that's not the answer. the answer is alot closer to home and has more to do with how i came in to this world than my brain misfiring in a manic way. in other words... you all had something to do with it and you just can't fess up to it... too fucking bad.

now i'm left to deal with it, which i will, but not feeling horrible and guilty about it like i was before. i still feel like shit, but at least i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's name is not depacote!

till the next time................

FRIENDS?????

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:04:29 GMT

FRIENDS?????
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Blogging

i recently LOST a good friend. matter of fact, he was my BEST friend... someone that i thought would NEVER leave.... but, like every man in my life, or for that matter, like ANYONE that EVER meant ANYTHING to me in my life... he walked.

supposedly it's because of what i'm going through at the moment. severe depression, suicidal thoughts, rage, mood swings... ya know, all the things someone goes through when they're in the midst of severe depression.

given that because of injuries to my body that will never quite heal right, i'm in constant pain.... because of that i'm on serious pain killers which cause mood swings.... sometimes vicious mood swings. given that i just lost someone in my life that meant the world to me.

and previous to that i lost another person, who though not in my life all the time, meaning we didn't interact always, but often enough, and for my entire lifetime, that her passing was just as painful, just as sad and horrific, as the first one.

given that because of my grandmother passing, my mother and i are in dire straights financially.... always fighting to stay afloat one more day. and if it weren't for the love and graciousness and generosity of family and close friends, we would have sunk long ago.

given all of those things, along with an initiation that for whatever reason opened the flood gates to hell.... it's just too much... oh, forgive me for mis-speaking, not too much, just doesn't WANT to deal with all that's going on, because he wishes to always be happy. he's young and should not have to see or deal with this stuff....

BUT... and there is a giant but.... he is an elder in a tradition that names him PRIEST. and in that capacity of PRIEST, he is supposed to BE THERE for those that he so graciously and constantly declares are UNDER him.... of course, given that he's a priest and my history with PRIESTS, he is NOT there. nor will he EVER be there. of course, this is not because he CANNOT handle what is going on, but because he does not WANT to handle what is going on, because in his short 25 years on this planet, he truly believes that he CAN handle anything that is thrown at him, he just does not WANT to handle anything that is thrown at him.

but of course, he would never stand in anyone's way who wishes to continue on their jounrey of priesthood. to worship and learn about the gods is something that is sacred to him... therefore, i do NOT have to leave my place of learning.... because nothing will have changed there... OK priest, lets see what has not changed.

do i sound CYNICAL? do i sound extremely HURT? do i sound BETRAYED? now why would i sound any of those things????? why would i feel as though somone who said they would stand by me no matter what has stabbed me in the back? why would i feel as though someone who i would have given my life for if need be, has betrayed me.... has become a judas if you will????? that is what i feel like on the one hand.

on the other hand, it's a relief. because now i have no one to answer to. because now i don't have to pretend to be something that i'm not in the pursuit of trying to please someone else... because now i can do as i wish without having to worry if it makes someone else happy or not... i am free, at least for a time.

and as sad as it is to know that once again, someone that was special, that was so important to me, has kicked me to the curb and walked... it's also very freeing... liberating.

so as one door slams shut behind me, i'm looking to the future, so i won't miss those doors that will open...

they say that death usually comes in threes... well, for a while now i've been waiting for the 3rd... it's finally come and i can rest in peace.

till the next time..............

The Morigane/Killer Queen - Life Imitating Art

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 01:56:07 GMT

the morigana OR life imitating art
Current mood: validated
Category: Blogging

the morigan/morigana.... the epitomy of Killer Queen, and was often referred to as such.

Irish folk lore, she was the crone at the ford washing the blood from clothes... if a warrior saw her before a battle, he did NOT fight, no matter how strong/fierce a warrior he was, for it was said that the blood she washed from the clothes and her hands, was whom ever saw her... in other words, if a warrior saw her then he saw his own death, hence, not wanting to fight on that day. don't blame him really... would you????

she's also seen as three women/sisters or the three aspects of the goddess as in maiden/mother/crone.

she was not only a fierce warrior but also a fierce sexual being. using and thinking about sex much the same as a man... in other words no need for "love" or any other emotion to be involved. it's purley an animal act... raw, primal.

and of course, being a fierce warrior, having a lust for blood. although often times not actually doing the killing but having others do it for her or making her rivals feel the "fear" of dying. that they would run, making it alot easier than having to kill them all, don't ya think.

as a "fierce warrior woman" though, she was often refered to as KILLER QUEEN, which also is aptly put.

she was different than the figure of Kali though, as Kali actually did all the killing, being a sort of "vampire" in her lust for blood. The Morigane was not like that.

i realize that my thoughts are a bit all over the page tonite and i do apologize. i'm usually alot more susinct and in order with my writing. tonite, all over the place, LOL... sorry again.

but, my reason for this writing... when i first began my journey of spirituality and found myself on the path of the witch, i took the name initially, which many do (without understanding, i'm afriad) of Morgan. most folks think first of Morgan Le Fey from the Legends of King Arthur. This was NOT what i thought of when i took that name. i actually wanted to have the name THE Morigan, but its kind of hard to have a PLURAL as a name, so i just went with Morgan. Too bad because it portrayed the wrong image.

my being WAS and still IS THE morigane.... the fierce warrior... the sexual being that has no love attached to her conquest, just pure animal lust. and without even realizing it, i was given the name here as Killer Queen by someone else. it didn't even dawn on me that its just another "name" for THE morigane.

I have a different "spiritual" name at the moment. but i do believe, when i am again elevated to the next level, as in native american spirituality, the name changes as the person changes, i will RE-take my original name. only this time i will have no problem with the plural.. matter of fact i may just keep Killer Queen. it fits and sometimes unfortunetly, but oftentimes for the better, i wear it well. the name has protected me, reminded me of what i am, been my salvation when things have been tough. so i shall reclaim that which was mine from the beginning.

i already knew what was right..... now i just need to go back. this time, going backwards.... it's a good thing!!

SO MOTE IT BE!

till the next time............

catching up on marriage, babies, vacation, everything, hehe

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 01:37:11 GMT

catching up on marriage, babies, vacation, everything, hehe
Current mood: calm
Category: Blogging

WOW, so much has gone on in the past couple of weeks.

my little girl, who's now 26, is married!! that just sounds so strange to me, hehe. i couldn't be happier but i still have to adjust to my new title of mother-in-law, or MIL as i was so lovingly referred to be a friend, LOL.

i did manage to post the pics that i took. i spoke with my daughter earlier yesterday & she said they were still taking pictures but would send them to me as soon as they were done. they also took a video, which is great. can't wait to actually see it, although the service was so quick that it's almost like it wasn't, if that makes sense, LOL.

they'll be having a much larger reception in the fall for all of their friends & family, which will be great. i do believe that my mother & i will do the centerpieces & maybe my mother will make the cake, which would be very nice, and save them quite a bit of money too boot. always important when paying for one of these shindigs.

as for kids, that's a few years off, i hope, LOL. at least that's what my daughter says. she'll be the one doing all of the "incubating" sa to speak & although her & her partner are legally married, i don't know what legal ramifications her partner would have if gods forbid they ever broke up. i do believe they'd have to legally "adopt" the child so both have legal standing. sounds horrible, doesn't it? that you'd even have to be thinking of such things these days just blows my mind, but stuff has changed considerably, and so it is, that's that.

as for other news, my mother & i were blessed with a three day reprieve from my brother & his wife. they'd received a honeymoon package timeshare from my sister for their wedding. she didn't realize that my sister-in-laws mother had given them a fully paid trip to jamaica for a week, which was grand.

so, the timeshare was good for a year. they decided to take it for their first anniversary, although low and behold, my sis-in-law is pregnant, again!! normally not such a big deal except pregnancy does NOT agree with her, at all. from the moment she's pregnant, and she knows because of this, she immedietly becomes deathly ill with morning sickness that pretty much lasts for at least four months out of the pregnancy. sucks really & yes, i know how she feels as i've had my own demonds as far as nausea is concerned, hehe.

so, given that she's pregnant and they have a two year old, there wasn't a whole lot that they'd be doing "privatley" if you know what i mean, so why not invite the family up, lol.

actually, my brother thought it a good idea to try and get my mother away for a bit. she hasn't been doing all that great since my nana passed away, so he figured this would be good for her, which it was.

initially we were scheduled to go up on tuesday but i had to do some running around, which included getting a much needed prescription from my doctor a little ahead of time so that i could fill it and take it with me.

it's my fentanyl patches, which i change every three days, one of which would have been while i was away, so needless to say, i had to accomplish that, which i did.

by then it was late & we both decided it would be better to get a nice fresh start in the morning. of course my mother's idea of a nice fresh start ended up being at 9am, right at rush hour, LOL.

no worries. we got through it ok and were up north within the two and half hour time frame. i also found out that my car can go exactly 140 miles on a half tank of gas, LOL. well, actually a half tank which is $20 and then another $5 just before we hit ascutney mountain, just to be on the safe side, LOL. my gas light was on at that point and i didn't want to have so little gas that i couldn't come back down the mountain to fill my tank later.

unfortunetly i had just enough to get us there. fortunetly i have a very generous brother who told me all i had to do was get there and he would take care of the rest, which he did, thank the gods.

we had a very nice time the next few days. went on a little sightseeing trip to woodstock to check out the shops & just walk around, have lunch, etc. it was very nice, although considering that the town is quite built up since the original woodstock concert all those many years ago, there really wasn't much to the town, which means way back then there was even less. i'm all for the gods green earth but oh my, there would have been absolutely NOTHING there, except the farms, LOL. a little too earthy for me, hehe. i think the city has infiltrated my genes now that i've been back in it for so many years. shame really. i think i was much happier when i had more green in my veins.

speaking of veins, the strangest of strange things happened to me the night before we were leaving. i was upstairs getting ready to relax. had gotten out of the shower & was just doing a general check of my body. i tend to do that quite often just because of the state of my health.

well, i noticed what looked like a bunch of freckles down on the inside of my left foot, near the instep. i also noticed that there were a ton of tiny vericose veins there as well. considering how much that leg tends to swell (lymphedema) i really wasn't surprised by that, but i was by the "freckles" because i knew they weren't there before. all i could think of was "deer tick", which is not a good thing, hehe.

so, being the product of bad habits, i of course had to try and pull it off to see what it was. i figured if they were indeed freckles then they wouldn't come off anyway, so what was the harm.

well, the harm was that first of all they weren't freckles... ok, no biggy. they also weren't ticks (thanks the gods), but they were a little cover so to speak over a vein. and when one rips off the cover of a vein, well, lets just say that within a matter of seconds i believe i bled out at least a half cup of blood. no exaggeration either!!! it just kept coming and coming and coming, all over the floor, and dark... almost black at one point. i think that was because there was so much of it.

anyway, not being able to really go anywhere bleading all over the place i called for my mother, hoping she would hear me above the fan, the closed door and the fact that i was one story up and a bit removed from where she was. fortunetly, she heard me and came up.

of course by this time i'd gotten some tissues and was applying pressure to the tiny spot that was still spewing forth copius amounts of blood (oh, that was fun saying that, hehe)_ as soon as i would removed the tissue, it would again begin to bleed profusley.

finally my mother got it to stop by applying more pressure than i was able to at my weird angle and the fact that i couldn't really cross my leg and get a good hold of it. but, it finally stopped and we slapped on some gauze and then taped it around my foot just to keep the pressure on.

never in my 50, almost 51 years on this planet, have i seen such a weird thing. i've poked, prodded and pulled most everything on my skin. i have all the scars to prove it too, and i still have never encountered such a weird thing happening.

anyway, very strange, lol.

getting back to our vacation we did manage to check out Harpoon Brewery in i believe Winston, VT and then a glass/pottery place that i got a brochure from. there was only one glass blower on the floor at the time. i guess because it gets so hot in the summer, the crew goes in very early and they leave by 2pm. otherwise, those glory holes they work with (the furnaces) would have them fainted dead away on the ground after being there for a very short amount of time. as it is, i don't know how they handle that heat. if it weren't for that heat, i'd so love to learn to do that. what a skill. but, never the less, the pieces in the showroom were beautiful and of course my mother & i saw some pieces that we would have both loved. of course at $140/place setting, i think we'd either have to inherit some cash or just put it in the dream part of our brains, LOL. they were all so beautiful though.

there was also a place called "the path of life" which looked kind of interesting. it was a walk through the countryside with sculptures all around depicting the different stages of life. in the middle was a giant maze to traverse, which looked really cool.

unfortunetly, it being free as was told to my brother on line, was not the case when we got there. also being that my poor sister-in-law wasn't feeling so hot and neither myself or my mother are great walkers, we decided to pass.

i have pics of everything, but i haven't stuck them on here yet. i will in the next day or two.

i have some great pictures of my nephew who can now say such amazing things for his little self.. most importantly is AUNTIE!!! LOL. now i think that's a fine word to know, hehe. so he can say "how yuo doing auntie, thank you auntie or no thank you auntie or please auntie... whatever it is, doesn't matter because the word auntie follows it and that's all i care about, LOL.

he hasn't quite got the hold of the word grammy yet, but he will soon. sorry ma, hehe. he does lover her to bits though, as he does me as well. him and i play very well together, especially when i bring him little things to play with. and i thought i was losing my water bottle there or a bit since he claimed it as his own and was quite adept at drinking out of it. unfortunetly, mom & dad said he had to give it back. what a face i got for that. oh, not a good thing to make auntie the bad guy, lol. i don't want to be the bad guy, hehe.

we came back friday nite about 8:30 or so, we were supposed to have a yard sale on saturday morning but mom was truly not feeling well, so we cancelled it.

then, this afternoon, i got a call from my poor room mate, who had the same bug my mother had only he got it first. needless to say, he was on his way to the emergency room. considering that he's not one for doctors, he had to be really sick to make that decision. i'm quite worried about him simply because he is not one to bitch or complain and very rarely goes to the doctor for anything, nor takes anything for an ill, so i'm praying to all the gods that i know, and the universe at large, that he's ok. i'm sure he will be, but it's always better to ere on the side of caution, i think.

so, beside the fact that i need to put pics here, that's all for now. kind of a busy week, lol. but all good things, except for the end, but not bad considering, LOL. i'll be sure to post the pics once i get them fixed up.

till the next time...............

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO'VE LEFT ME HEARTFELT PRAYERS

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 06:45:08 GMT

i just want to say THANK YOU to all of you that have stopped by my journal to wish us well & offer your prayers & sympathy for my situation.

I cannot tell you all how much this has meant to me and my mother.

we finally had to bring nana to the hospital. this is the first step in having her admitted to a nursing home. my poor mother came home today in tears. i asked her if nana was upset that she was there, etc. my mother's answer..... she had no idea where she was and asked me to come "downstairs to her apartment and she'd make me some coffee". my mother just burst into tears!!

we have tried so hard, especially my poor mom.... for a number of years now, to keep nana with us. she was so afraid of being put "away" that as a child she made me promise her that i would never do that to her.

that's quite a big thing to ask a child to promise, but that's how afraid she was of it happening to her. now, she has no clue that it's exactly what's happening. my heart is broken in a million pieces. and no matter how much logically i know that this is the right decision, and that my mother & i can do no more for her, it doesn't make the decision any the less difficult.

i've already gotten promises in stone from my best friend & HP that the gods forbid this ever happens to me he is to make sure that it's a quick death. i'm not joking... that's EXACTLY what i want. and i know that to ask someone to do something like that is perhaps seen as "horrible" in most people's eyes, we both understand and have no problem doing it for each other, no matter what the laws state.

anyway, it's now 2:45AM, i'm such a night owl.... but i do need to get some shut eye so again.... THANK YOU ALL. you can not know just how much all of your words have meant to me. my heart is just bursting with all of the love that you all sent me. i cannot thank you enough for this.

till the next time........................

Tags: thanks, nana, alzheimers, friends, family, love

In Memory of a Beautiful Woman

Sat, 17 May 2008 07:38:18 GMT

In Memory of a Beautiful Woman
Current mood: crushed
Category: Blogging

..We received a call this evening around 10:30pm from the nursing home stating that my nana was having difficulty with breathing and they weren't sure if she would last the night.

About a half hour later we received another call... she had passed on!

As much as I'm relieved that her suffering is over, my heart is still broken in a million pieces. No matter how much you think you're prepared, you never really are.

I was a bit upset with the fact that we had to tell them right then... who we wanted to come and take her. I guess they don't have the facilities to keep someone once they've passed over. I kind of felt that it puts undue pressure on the family to have to deal with that asap, but, that's life, so we did.

After gathering all of her belongings and saying our goodbyes to one of THE most beautiful woman on the planet we came home and began the process of making arrangements. That sounds so strange, like making business decisions, which I guess in a sense, it is.

Now that I've disposed of all of the stuff that I needed to say about the experience, let me talk about the woman herself...

My nana, Pietra (Beatrice) (Sala) Iandoli, was one of the most beautiful, regal, kind, hard working, loving woman that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing in my lifetime.

She took her job as matriarc of the family very seriously. Her family was her life. Nothing... absolutley nothing ever got in the way of her duty to her family.

When I was younger if I happened to mention that I had a falling out with a friend, no matter how minor, nana also held the grudge with me. Matter of fact, at times I had to tell her it was OK, that my friend and I had made up. Otherwise, if she ever saw that person she'd make sure to tell them how hurtfull they'd been or she'd just downright ignore them, LOL. She was a character like that.

Nana worked harder than anyone I know in her life. She often times held two jobs while she raised her two daughters on her own. Way back when, it was extremely difficult to get a husband, or should I say EX-husband, to pay child support. The law just didn't acknowledge woman as people who counted and had rights. So she worked very hard to keep a roof over her families head.

No matter the time she got home, which was often 11:00 or 12:00 at nite, her house was spotless and all of her clothes were ironed an ready for the next day. Not a dish was ever left in the sink, no matter what. That was her, always everything in it's place.

As a child I remember waiting patiently and with great anticipation for my nana to come over the house. Laying in my bed, counting the minutes, knowing that as soon as she got there she'd come right in to my bedroom to talk.

She'd sit on the end of my bed, often bringing me a little something, and ask me about my day.

I loved going over her house and sleeping over. I remember a little place she had in Somerville. I think it was an attic apartment, but to me it was the coziest, most heart warming place to be. It wouldn't have mattered if she lived in a box. As long as she was there, it was a wonderful place to be. I have fond memories of sitting out on the porch watching the fireworks on the Fourth of July with her and my papa. Wonderful memories.

Even as I got older, I would often times spend a Friday or Saturday evening with the both of them. Playing cards or just watching TV. In the morning we'd go out for breakfast and then be out for the day, often driving to a horse show or a fair somewhere, whether it be Connecticut or Rhode Island or where ever. Didn't matter, because I was with my nana.

If I needed to get away from my house, I could count on nana letting me hang with her. And she'd sew the most beautiful clothes for me, teaching me all she knew about sewing. She spent years as a seamstress, so sewing with her was wonderful. She helped my sister and I make our square dancing skirts, LOL. Lots of material went in to those skirts and blouses. I learned how to make a dirndle skirt (with elastic) to pulling the double threads gently in order to make ruffles. She even helped me sew a beautiful full length cape, which I still have to this day.

Neither her or my grandfather ever had a lot of money, and yet they were the richest of people. They both had hearts bigger than life and would do anything for family, as it was precious to them both.

Now my nana can finally join the man that she loved and missed so much when he passed away many years before her. She'll also join her mother and father and both of her brothers. All of which she spoke about constantly, especially in her later years.

My nana had 91 wonderful years on this planet. She raised a beautiful family of two daughters who then married and added six grandchildren to the mix and then six great grandchildren. Not bad for a life's work

Later this week I'll post some of her pictures as a young woman. As much as my nana didn't think very highly of herself, her pictures tell a completely different story. She looked like a movie star, as her pictures will show. And in her heart she was more than a star, she was a Universe of Stars.

Nana, you will be missed dearly. All of us are better people for having had you in our lives. Without your careing heart and wonderful soul, we wouldn't be half what we are today. You instilled in all of us a sense of family love that will never diminish. All of your children, grand children and great grand children are the legacy that you leave behind. Be proud nana... you did a wonderful job. And you will always be remembered for being your most beautiful, warm, loving, careing self.

Thank you Nana. You will be missed.

till the next time.........

Tags: family, mourning, memories, love

epiphanies, closure & other such garbage

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 11:47:02 GMT

epiphanies-closure & other such garbage
Current mood: okay
Category: Blogging

i finally received a message back from an "old friend" (used very loosley) that's been in and out of my life for 30 of his 33 years on this planet.

about a month ago just for haha's i went searching just to see if he was on myspace. wasn't i surprised when i actually found him. i actually wasn't expecting to. obviously, he needed to be found.

well, i decided to send a little message his way pretty much saying where the hell have you been and where's the giant apology you owe me from the last time we spoke.

very long story but the gist of it was he insisted that i bring him to the airport after coming home & visiting with his family & kids. i kept telling him he should just spend the extra time with his children but he insisted that this is what he wanted. so, stupid me, cancelled plans to do something with my family (it was a big deal, trust me) so that i could keep my promise to him & bring him to the airport.

well, something told me to call, just to make sure that everything was going as planned & sure enough he was wicked rude on the phone & said that he needed to be with his kids & why did i think that he was going to leave them to go with me?????????? EXCUSE ME!!!!!! anyway, like i said, my fucking fault for actually believing that he was going to follow through even though they were HIS plans. needless to say, that was oh, at least two years ago and he hasn't spoken to me since. ok...... back to now.

so i send my little message and i was actually nicer than i remembered being because after about a week or so he actually answered me. my message was on the bottom of his answer which was how i knew that i wasn't half the bitch that i should have been. but, i guess i'm getting either softer or nicer in my old age. i suppose it depends which side of me your on at the time.

so i write him back informing him that he's sadly mistaken, it is not I that owes him an apology but the other way around. he was upset about being accused of being something quite nasty. the fact was i was just the messenger, not the accusor. but, if that's what he needs to justify his lack of friendship, so be it.

now usually that would bother me to no end. i would chew on it and worry it like a dog with a bone. but for some reason this time, i'm ok. i'm not the least bit obsessive over the fact that he has his facts wrong. i don't feel as though i need to justify myself, to him or anyone else. matter of fact i feel pretty damned good. liberated!! that's a HUGE step for me as i tend to want closure on MY terms and my terms only. and if it takes me 20 years to do it, i'll wait the 20 years, the entire time wasting precious energy on someone who totally does not deserve it.

well, not any more baby :) i'm ok. i don't feel the need to validate, justify, clarify or any other fy, LOL. i'm OK....

that feels sooooooo good.

hooray for small epiphanies.

till the next time...................

just catchin' up with easter & stuff :)

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:22:35 GMT

just catchin’ up with easter & stuff
Current mood: stressed
Category: Blogging

lots of stuff going on since this weekend. it’s amazing how much things can change in a kind of cosmic blink of an eye.

first, had a great easter with family, although we sorely missed my brother, sis in law & my fantastical nephew!!!! he ROCKS, hehe. hopefully i’ll be seeing pics of their easter pretty soon.

i’ve posted some pics of our easter... mainly with our two little chics that we have in the family. my little cousin miss "chub rock" as she’s called, hehe.... and my little cousin "mr. pouty lips" which you’ll understand if you see his pics, hehe. he’s got the best little pouty lips you ever saw.

the two of them are only two weeks apart with the little "mr" being first in line although you’d never know by the size of little miss chub rock as her mom so aptly named her, hehe. she really is too. fits the name to a T.

ok, on to some not so hot stuff that happened today, which is right after the nice easter day... figures.

first, we had to take nana to the hospital. she fell again and yesterday and last night was so disoriented that we had to let her sleep in the living room across from my mom cause she kept screaming (really screaming) that someone was trying to murder her. not something you want the neighbors hearing at 2am, that’s for sure.

anyway, not only was it too confusing for her at my aunt’s house for easter dinner (alzheimer’s patients to not do well with large crowds & confusion) but it’s just become much too difficult for my poor mother to keep doing this.

we both talked about it before the weekend and she looked in to what had to be done as well. we have to admit her to the hospital first for a few days, they evaluate her and then say she needs to go in a nursing home.

it’s breaking our hearts, especially my poor mom who’s not only upset that it’s HER mother going through this, but she’s also dealing with alot of guilt, which is so not in question, but when it’s your own flesh you can’t help but feel that way, no matter what you’ve done in order to prevent the inevitable from happening.

we both knew this day was coming... we just kept hoping that it would be a long way off. unfortunetly, it wasn’t as long as we’d hoped.

now, the second problem, which is directly connected to the first problem.... once nana is placed, after a few months *(supposedly, but we’ll see) her check will then go to the care of her at the nursing home. so my mother & i have just a couple o months to get accepted into one of the apartment complexes that adjust your rent acording to your income. the waiting lists for these places are very long, and we’ve been and are on many of them with nothing in site. now we have no choice as we cannot afford to stay in this apartment (only been here since september) because we needed all three checks in order to pay the rent and all of the utilities and just living expenses in general. not something eithe rof us are looking forward to, especially if houseing doesn’t come through in time.

ok, third but not the least last.... i got a letter in the mail indicating that because i’m in default of a court date with my ex-landlord that the attached "whatever" is actually a warrant for my arrest (ya, they mail you the warrant... go fucking figure) so i need to call the guys office & talk to him about what’s going on.

my ex landlord made an agreement with me that i did NOT have to pay him the last 3 months of rent so that we could move. he knew that there was no way in hell we could move to another place without that break. considering that he does NOT, nor never did, need our rent and because he desperately wanted us to move asap because he had a buyer for the place to turn it into condo’s (ya, right) he agreed to that.

now of course he’s saying that he did not. and considering that he would never put anything in writing... always made excuses for it, AND the fact that the bastard is a cop (a dirty cop at that) his thing is "who the fuck are they going to believe???? i’m a cop and you’re not, so who are the courts ever going to believe in any circumstance?????

he’s right the son of a bitch..... which puts me in a very bad position.

i so wish i had records of all the dirty things he did for the eight years that i lived there and the 10 or so years that i’ve known the asshole. we were even in business together, in which he absolutely fleeced me out of a ton of money...but that’s a whole different story.

anyway, he had foster kids living with him for years (go figure, he was a man to begin with (not married), and had nobody at the house while he worked to keep an eye on these kids... AND, he would have women up there all the time, living with him, screwing his brians out... i know, his bedroom was above mine...). he also had those kids steal for him and then tell them to go ahead and say something... again... he’s a cop, so who are they going to believe???? again, the kids were screwed.

he also did NOT maintain the apartments AT ALL... not only gave me problems but also my neighbors upstairs (good friends of mine) and they were very christian folks who didn’t believe in causing trouble, even when her husband fell on the back stairs that were completely broken and falling apart.

the real reason my ex-landlord is suing me though is because on the last day that i was moving stuff out of our old place, i tripped on a fucking board that he had at the bottom of the stairs (the dirt wasn’t even so he put a board there to step on when it rained cause it made a giant puddle) fell INTO my car head first and landed with my leg UNDER me. if you know anything about me, you know that i have knee implants and i have one knee that does NOT bend... YA, that was the leg that bent and went under me and i landed ON TOP OF IT!!! full body weight ON TOP OF THE LEG THAT DOES NOT BEND!!!! of course it bent right under me and i thought i ripped every ligament, tendon and muscle in my thigh. i was screaming bloody murder and thought i was going to puke all over the place. it was as painful as when i fell off of a curb and broke my leg in two places. (ya, it was THAT leg, lol). i wanted someone to shoot me immedietly.

needless to say i was whisked away in an ambulance and spent the entire day at brigham & women’s hospital with no way to get in touch with my mother in the new apartment becaus our phone wasn’t installed yet. she knew that something was wrong though. it’s called "mother’s intuition" and believe me, it works. i know, i have one of my own, hehe.

anyway, the son of a bitch is being sued for that fall and i received the summons to go to court about 3 weeks after he was notified of me suing him.

so, instead of calling (i don’t want my emotions to get in the way) i’m going to write a letter to the constable explaining my situation and everything that’s going on and why i didn’t show for the court date. hopefully we can resolve this without me being hauled off to the lynn jail, LOL... i have a feeling i wouldn’t really care for it there.

so, how was YOUR weekend, LOL.

till the next time..................

HAPPY SPRING!!!

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 14:34:58 GMT

Just like to wish all of the peeps out there a very blessed OSTARA!!! or in Christian/laymen terms.... Happy EASTER!!!

in case anyone is wondering what that's all about, Ostara is actually the original fertility Sabatt or Holiday celebrating the arrival of spring, hence the fertility theme.

If you think about it fertility equals.... rabbits, who are known to procreate well, like rabbits, LOL.

then we have Eggs... ever wonder how rabbits & eggs got together??? when you find out let me know, LOL. no, eggs are another sign of FERTILITY!!!

and in order for new things to grow & be born & just continue on, one must be fertilized first!!! RIGHT??????? no fertility, no eggy... got it, hehe.

anyway, many Christian holidays were originally Pagan (=farm folk, which was an insult by the way). As is often the case, when a people are taken over they're forced to embrace the new boss's beliefs... but, in the case of Pagan vs. Christian, in order to get those dumb ole' farm folks to do what was asked of them, many of the symbols of the old were added to the new in order to "entice" those not so inclined to make the change without alot of hooha attached to it. Not only that, alot of the masons that did the work on the churches were... (drum roll please) PAGAN, hence alot of the statuary, and beautiful architecture has pagan themes in it, i.e, the Green Man is in many of the old church architecture (look up when you walk... it's amazing what you'll see). The Green Man, a man's face surrounded by leaves, is a take on Jack O' the Green, Pan, or the Oak King, which is the new "YOUNG" king that takes over the seasons of spring & summer. come the fall & winter the Holly King or the OLD king, takes over, being that it's the colder time of the year, but that is a different blog, for a different day.

In the meantime, I do hope everyone enjoys their holiday, whatever you call it. Just know that spring is right around the corner. The crocus & tulips are already poking their heads up through the ground, snow covered or not... and of course, the march winds have been blowing like crazy, especially here,up on the hill. Geeze, i actually thought the house was going to be blown away the last few nites. Now i know how dorothy must have felt in the Wizard of Oz, LOL.

OK, enough blabber... although it is daytime, i must get myself a little sleep. i tend to be a major night owl, which cuts into my daytime activites at time.

Blessed Be to all my AOL friends

Happy Spring as well.

hugs

till the next time...............................

need to make some very hard decisions -- this SUCKS!!

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 07:27:28 GMT

very hard decisions... this sucks!!
Current mood: miserable
Category: Blogging

well, my poor mother has finally reached the end of her rope as far as taking care of my grandmother goes. she can’t do it any more. my poor grandmother is getting worse & worse & the both of us are taking it out on her, which isn’t fair, but it’s soooooo frustrating deaing with an alzheimer patient.

thank the gods she isn’t terribly angry & fighting all the time. i know some of them get that way. one of my oldest friend’s dad has just been diagnosed as well. his sister also had it. my friend was telling me that just to get his dad to go in the car is a fight. the man stomps his feet & screams that he’s not getting in. why he’s afraid of the car i have no idea. perhaps it’s because he realizes he can’t drive any longer & it makes him angry. whatever, it’s difficult to figure out exactly what happens to an alzheimer patients thinking process. it changes so much and it seems that every person is a bit different.

anyway, if we decide (and yes, mom wants it to be a "we" decision) to put nana in a nursing home then her & i have to move AGAIN, because we absolutely cannot afford to stay here without nana’s social security check to pitch in. we just don’t get enough from our own checks. i know, it’s a horrible reason to base decisions on but it’s a fact of life. the three of us need to pitch in all of our monies or we can’t live... ANYWHERE except perhaps a fucking shelter, which neither of us will do.

i have to talk with my best friend and see if he wants to move in here or what’s going on with a few other things that are on the back burner. my mother said i should just go with him but neither of us will ever leave her. she’s done to much... DOES too much for all of us to just up and leave her twisting in the wind. we would never do that. she doesn’t deserve that.

anyway, i’m sure something will happen soon to trigger what path we’re supposed to be taking. it usually does, although alot of times folks don’t realize that’s what happened. i don’t believe in coincendence (??? no idea how to spell that, lol) and i also don’t believe that your fate is set in stone. but i do very much believe that every thing you do, whether you’re aware of it or not, sets up what will happen next.

anyway, it’s now 3:30 am and i need to get some sleep. my mother’s friends are taking her out for her birthday tomorrow which means i get to hang with nana all day. it used to be something that i cherished. i’d even go hang with her & papa (he passed already) on a friday or saturday nite & play cards with them or take off for the weekend with them. i just LOVED being with the two of them.

now, since my papa passed & nana has gotten sick, it seems that nothing is as it was. i don’t really like being with her any longer, which is a horrible thing to say, but it’s the truth. i get very sad and very angry that she’s not herself any longer. it’s not her fault, that’s for sure, but it still hurts me, as i’m sure it hurts her when she realizes that something is wrong.

in a way, i wish she’d just go to her peace and have a chance to start over, or whatever her beliefs are. heaven i guess since she’s a very devout catholic (even though, since she’s divorced, the church doesn’t want her... she still finds solace in the church... go figure). anyway, enough for tonite. tomorrow is another day.

till the next time.............