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Subject: Universal Heartbeat
Time: 9:48:00 AM MST
Author: stopherrich
Mood: Sad
Music: City - Sara Bareilles
I feel frustrated.
It's like bits and pieces of my mind just want to explode out of my head purely for the sake of teaching me a lesson. I think that is why I try not to get my hopes up about anything. Too much sensation in the good sphere of my brain can cause delusions of granduer. I feel like I am always on a shopping spree and when I get to the registers to pay for my things all I have is Monopoly money in my wallet. I am always the little kid on the playground who goes out for recess only to sit on the sidewalk because no one will play with him. Ha
My dreams are no better friends to me than my heart. Nighttime used to supply me with solace. I used to be able to fall asleep and sleep through the night without trouble. These days twilight is not so much of a companion as she is a cheating whore. She sold her time to the god of light just so she wouldn't have to work a full shift. It's distressing. I think she and the Sandman have worked out a plan to suck the life out of most of us that wish for a night of bliss. The way things have been going lately, I would settle for a refreshing cat nap.
Maybe I try to hard...and I lose my way.
Dreams aside, hopes and infatuations on a another note, I get tired of letting my guard down for an instant. I don't say that I have let it down recently, but I certainly have entertained the thought of being one of those people again. It's hard trying to be that kind of person that will listen to his heart. Eventually my head catches up and paranoia sets in. All in all, fear rears his ugly head and sends me packing. I run to the hills and close up instantly. And I know that I should go with the flow and let the movements of fate carry me along to a destination that I am bound.
I miss him. I miss his smile when I would see him in the morning. I miss hearing him tell me that he loves me. I miss how I felt with him. I miss him.
Such random thoughts won't ever get me to the place that I need to be in order to be healed. Sometimes seeing them in black and white reminds me of how absurd they sound considering the actions that have brought me to where I am today. My broken heart is like a battery that needs a jump start. It works with a charge, and it keeps the motor running, but when it is idle it is just another piece of the vehicle. Unforgiving and patched with bandaids, it's one of those pieced together remnants of past hopes. God help the next man who hopes for occupancy there.
"he'll come around soon, I know"
What do I know? I think I just need to breathe? Stop and smell the roses instead of taking pictures as I am passing by. The part of me that has always been the strongest is the part that tells my heart to "fuck off and get back on track." One weak link in the chain can cause problems. I think that I see the figures that cause my demise and I am certain that what I need is not what I think I need. It's too akward. Feelings forced for the sake of FEELING are just as bad as poison. Even if they make me smile and give me hope. One day I am working hard for the purpose of betterment. The days that follow I am this neurotic mess that clings to his addictions or vices like some spoiled child. In my head I repeat "what the fuck...what the fuck...what the fuck" and I know that my useless chants are only hurting myself. And I take back my power and focus on the things that matter for now.
I am tired of keeping up with appearances. The tape at at the finish line has words on it that read "This is your LIFE" and sadly, things or people that come, go, or stay are what I make of it or them. I am certainly flattered that I am given the opportunity to entertain thoughts of nirvana, but I know that once I cross that finish line I will be the only one there to examine, reference or celebrate my existence. I dunno...maybe someday science will perfect how we think and subsequently remove these parts of the brain that make our heart work. I am certainly tired of being able to remember why it's still there. And for what it is worth, I'd rather be the Tin Man.
I know what the underlying theme here is for the most part. I get it and I understand the message that I want to convey. I am not hopeless, nor am I hopeful. These parts of me that I used to follow as a boy didn't get me any further than they have today, so I have to play by a different set of rules and try not to rush into things. Even if I would like to feel weightless...such things will come in time.
Peace!
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5/17/08 11:15 PM