Stoopid Quepid

I have thoughts. I have these stupid thoughts that I think about all day long. At night these thoughts keep me awake and then when I do finally fall asleep these thoughts pop up in my dreams and subconsious. And then the next morning I wake up tired from these thoughts and dread the energy I have put into keeping them alive. I hate thoughts. I hate memory. Somedays I wish I could forget those things that bring me pain, but then if that happened...I wouldn't be able to remember those things that brought me joy. Although, if given the choice to erase the bad things in my mind and make it to where I would never remember those things again, then I would gladly make that choice to do so.

My thought processes are wild and sometimes extreme when I think about the shit that goes on in my life. I live one of those lives that is only important in recurrence than it is in importance, being that, the only important thing, or thing of value to my daily routine, is the fact that I get up and get dressed and go to work to be another warm body to relieve a person from a previous shift. I stand at work all day and feel the fires of inspiration, along with the fires of betrayal and humiliation, and I wonder "what is next?" "What could possibly be the next test for me to endure?" And then I get a mad rush of business and I help customers who haven't the faintest clue about my struggles (no more than I have the faintest clue about thier struggles) as I smile and say "hello" whilst they sneer and jeer at me for rising costs in our now standard of living. I think that the general public, our peers and such, live their lives with a sense of entitlement..."hey, we're Americans, we can have whatever the fuck we want!"...and that bugs me. I think we spend too much time on our vices and not enough time trying to figure out how to fix the things that cause us to have vices. So stop complaining already, right?

But work keeps me busy, work keeps me living and interacting with less than suitable clientele. On the off chance I get a moment to catch up with the things that I need to do and I find myself rushing routines in order to get 20 hundred things done all at once. No sooner do I take a minute to breathe, then I am bombarded with chaos again. When that happens I think to myself that God must be punishing me. "Great...500 more fucking people today...I guess I shouldn't have jacked off so much last night!" I think God is always punishing me for my sexual indescretions or my desire to be one of the so called deviant minority. And I use my so-called-life as a clear example to the types of punishments that I am talking about.

For instance, years I pined for a man who kept me at a distance so that he could find the "right one" and when he never did I would come back into the picture. I never knew this, but when I wasn't with him...when I was living my life and doing what I needed to do on my own and without the affections of a loving man, I was actually happier. I was focused. Then I met a man, or someone I thought was a man (who turned out to be a fucked up little boy) and I focused all of my energy into him and being the power couple that we were. Here my indescretions weren't as plain to me as they are now. During our run I never realized that I never loved him and that I always kept my heart saved for the one who would not have me. I guess the punishment there was the ultimate act of betrayal from my supposed better half and all in all I lost both men in the same time frame. God took them from me for being so freedy and wanting it all.

And though I try to justify and reason with what and whom I meet in life...sometimes I think that God is playing the ultimate joke on me. My penance for relationships gone wrong seem to take form in bad relationships with bad, emotionally unavailable men who mock me as if I had no reason to exist at all. They keep me at distances in hopes that they will find their "inner-self" or their one true love while having someone to hold or cuddle with in the off season. I was with a man that hated me...he HATED me...he hated being around me and hated our conversations. I don't know why I remained in this relationship, but I know that I was in the relationship for the right reasons, and not in it just to be in a relationship. I tried to make everything work, but he would never meet me half way. And whenever push came to shove I would think "This is what I get? I get THIS as payment or reward for years of being a faithful, loyal and compliant husband/lover/partner/best friend?" "THIS is the best you can give me? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?" And I gaze up into the sky waiting for an answer from my incredulous God. The answer never comes, and never came, so I left that relationship to find myself again and put the pieces of me back together. I think sometimes Tori said it best "God, sometimes you just don't come through....God, sometimes you just don't come through, babe...Do you need a woman to look after you? God, sometimes you just don't come through..."

It's ridiculous to think like this at 9:30 in the morning, fresh from a sleepless night tormented by the thoughts of the one I loved...yeah I loved him, I will even try to say in this entry that I didn't in hopes that one more dagger would make it into his impenetrable heart. But I know that it doesn't make a difference now and my thoughts keep me in the state of mind that I am always in. "What if" What if right? What if I had died? What if I had cheated? What if I hated someone so much that he hated me for just breathing? What if I had made the choice just to be happy for myself? I think that I am on the right road to discovering what if. Even if the detour signs look promising at times...and those detours have been popping up everywhere. I find myself straying to connect with someone only to find that I am nothing more than filler until something better comes along or unitl an ex boyfriend realizes what he is missing. So I toss their casualness to the wind and unplug myself from getting my hopes up for things that will never happen. And I ignore their fancy ads and the products their selling. And I get back on track. I stay focused and unapologetic. The world doesn't owe me anything and God can do whatever he wants to me. I know that deep down, I am worth something...even if no one else sees it. At least, that's what I'd like to think.

Peace!

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• #2 Comment from fellapanik 
  6/16/08 10:41 PM | Permalink

  I know you know better. Its good that your honest with how you feel and sharing it as an honest person should. I write some depressing stuff but I don't live in depression. Its an outlet so that we can move on, letting go of the past but remembering it to see how our lives has changed.
  
  I appreciate your honesty. I don't know you personally, but through your writing I think you would be great partner material for that special someone.
  
  I relate with this blog.
• #1 Comment from cubbycub 
  6/3/08 5:57 PM | Permalink

  EXCUSE ME, u r worth alot, do u hear me??? Hello, can u hear me??  U r worth a lot and never ever place the value of your worth on a relationship and the fact that the other did not appreciate or like u...NEVER!!!