Stoopid Quepid

There's a light that never goes out...

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 16:46:06 GMT

I have thoughts. I have these stupid thoughts that I think about all day long. At night these thoughts keep me awake and then when I do finally fall asleep these thoughts pop up in my dreams and subconsious. And then the next morning I wake up tired from these thoughts and dread the energy I have put into keeping them alive. I hate thoughts. I hate memory. Somedays I wish I could forget those things that bring me pain, but then if that happened...I wouldn't be able to remember those things that brought me joy. Although, if given the choice to erase the bad things in my mind and make it to where I would never remember those things again, then I would gladly make that choice to do so.

My thought processes are wild and sometimes extreme when I think about the shit that goes on in my life. I live one of those lives that is only important in recurrence than it is in importance, being that, the only important thing, or thing of value to my daily routine, is the fact that I get up and get dressed and go to work to be another warm body to relieve a person from a previous shift. I stand at work all day and feel the fires of inspiration, along with the fires of betrayal and humiliation, and I wonder "what is next?" "What could possibly be the next test for me to endure?" And then I get a mad rush of business and I help customers who haven't the faintest clue about my struggles (no more than I have the faintest clue about thier struggles) as I smile and say "hello" whilst they sneer and jeer at me for rising costs in our now standard of living. I think that the general public, our peers and such, live their lives with a sense of entitlement..."hey, we're Americans, we can have whatever the fuck we want!"...and that bugs me. I think we spend too much time on our vices and not enough time trying to figure out how to fix the things that cause us to have vices. So stop complaining already, right?

But work keeps me busy, work keeps me living and interacting with less than suitable clientele. On the off chance I get a moment to catch up with the things that I need to do and I find myself rushing routines in order to get 20 hundred things done all at once. No sooner do I take a minute to breathe, then I am bombarded with chaos again. When that happens I think to myself that God must be punishing me. "Great...500 more fucking people today...I guess I shouldn't have jacked off so much last night!" I think God is always punishing me for my sexual indescretions or my desire to be one of the so called deviant minority. And I use my so-called-life as a clear example to the types of punishments that I am talking about.

For instance, years I pined for a man who kept me at a distance so that he could find the "right one" and when he never did I would come back into the picture. I never knew this, but when I wasn't with him...when I was living my life and doing what I needed to do on my own and without the affections of a loving man, I was actually happier. I was focused. Then I met a man, or someone I thought was a man (who turned out to be a fucked up little boy) and I focused all of my energy into him and being the power couple that we were. Here my indescretions weren't as plain to me as they are now. During our run I never realized that I never loved him and that I always kept my heart saved for the one who would not have me. I guess the punishment there was the ultimate act of betrayal from my supposed better half and all in all I lost both men in the same time frame. God took them from me for being so freedy and wanting it all.

And though I try to justify and reason with what and whom I meet in life...sometimes I think that God is playing the ultimate joke on me. My penance for relationships gone wrong seem to take form in bad relationships with bad, emotionally unavailable men who mock me as if I had no reason to exist at all. They keep me at distances in hopes that they will find their "inner-self" or their one true love while having someone to hold or cuddle with in the off season. I was with a man that hated me...he HATED me...he hated being around me and hated our conversations. I don't know why I remained in this relationship, but I know that I was in the relationship for the right reasons, and not in it just to be in a relationship. I tried to make everything work, but he would never meet me half way. And whenever push came to shove I would think "This is what I get? I get THIS as payment or reward for years of being a faithful, loyal and compliant husband/lover/partner/best friend?" "THIS is the best you can give me? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?" And I gaze up into the sky waiting for an answer from my incredulous God. The answer never comes, and never came, so I left that relationship to find myself again and put the pieces of me back together. I think sometimes Tori said it best "God, sometimes you just don't come through....God, sometimes you just don't come through, babe...Do you need a woman to look after you? God, sometimes you just don't come through..."

It's ridiculous to think like this at 9:30 in the morning, fresh from a sleepless night tormented by the thoughts of the one I loved...yeah I loved him, I will even try to say in this entry that I didn't in hopes that one more dagger would make it into his impenetrable heart. But I know that it doesn't make a difference now and my thoughts keep me in the state of mind that I am always in. "What if" What if right? What if I had died? What if I had cheated? What if I hated someone so much that he hated me for just breathing? What if I had made the choice just to be happy for myself? I think that I am on the right road to discovering what if. Even if the detour signs look promising at times...and those detours have been popping up everywhere. I find myself straying to connect with someone only to find that I am nothing more than filler until something better comes along or unitl an ex boyfriend realizes what he is missing. So I toss their casualness to the wind and unplug myself from getting my hopes up for things that will never happen. And I ignore their fancy ads and the products their selling. And I get back on track. I stay focused and unapologetic. The world doesn't owe me anything and God can do whatever he wants to me. I know that deep down, I am worth something...even if no one else sees it. At least, that's what I'd like to think.

Peace!

Always

Fri, 23 May 2008 05:01:49 GMT

his words came out like inaudible phrases. like a ghost whispering into my ear they set my soul at ease. barely hanging on to the sounds they made I could lay there and focus on the form his mouth took when he'd say "always" and I took it to mean forever. listless and half in and out of a dream I would feel him hold me. I would feel his breath on the back of my neck. his strong embrace overpowered me as I clutched on to my body pillow beggin for every second to be with him before my eyes opened up. before my brain realized that he was not there. and before it hit me again that my life was empty in my waking days. his scent lingered. his touch...still soft on my arms. his lips still firm on the back of my shoulders as the morning light always found its way into my eyes. just moments after he would say..."I love you...I always have." and then he would fade away from me until the next sleep when my heart and soul called to him.

I wonder where you are all of the time. I wonder if you are sitting in the room next to me as I am pouring my heart out to the blind world that won't read what I say. I see your spirit in the eyes of those who would have me, if only they were to take a chance. I hope that you still feel me and still need me, but I also hope that you're finally at rest. Someday our paths will cross again. I hope that you can love me enough to let me let you go and find something to be hopeful for again. I love you...I always have...no matter where you are. Always

Peace!

Reflections Of What Used To Be

Fri, 16 May 2008 01:54:06 GMT

I let someone turn me into this person the passed few days. I don't like being this person and I never have. And after a day or two of sitting and wondering about why I was feeling so shitty, I decided that I am no longer going to be that guy. I have always looked at change as being something that I would be uncomfortable with. The last year and a half have been nothing but changing times for me. The cogs are always turning and the hamster wheel that I am in shows no sign of slowing down. It's for the best...the sooner I get to this better version of me the sooner I will have a smile on my face again.

The only reason I get hurt is because I LET others hurt me. Now I am adopting a new attitude that won't allow that to happen to me any longer. I figure that people come and go in my life for a reason. Some for good reasons, other for not so good reasons. I am content with the good, the bad and the ugly. For the bad and ugly, I know the signs to look for and what to do when they present themselves. MOVE ON. The good will always be welcome and I will enjoy the person that I am. I have met a few nice people lately and I am eager to connect with them in ways that I have never connected with guys in the past. Thankfully I am no longer looking for sexual impulses to fuel my desire to make friends. I have no plans on becoming someones next big thing. As far as I am concerned...I am married to the idea of making myself into a nicer person.

Peace!

Ramblings...

Thu, 15 May 2008 21:49:30 GMT

every man wants to see perfection,

but I don't have it in me to be so divine

I'm careful, with a watchful eye on my nature

too pent up to let him see me cry

I'm ordinary in this world of old John's, and substitute luxuries

YOU will only see me as I am

fortunately you won't have to look for much longer

soon will come along another man

here i am so pretty

take a long hard look

take away what you want from the picture

but it's still the cover of this book

i'm unashamed, unabashed and unrelenting

what I think a man should be

if you haven't got it in ya to be yourself

don't put your shit on me

Starting

Thu, 15 May 2008 15:45:52 GMT

Personal Quote

I have the capacity for many great things! I can be who I want to be, do what I want to do and say what I want to say. I am free to exist in this world, provided that I don't hurt anyone that I come across. I can be your friend if that's what matters, but I can never be your maybe. There are too many others holding on to maybe. Life may be a stage, but I am not holding out for bit parts.

Devil Wouldn't Recognize You

Thu, 15 May 2008 04:30:33 GMT

It’s quiet as it is tonight
You’d almost think you were saved
Your eyes are full of surprises
They cannot predict my fate
Waiting underneath the stars
There’s something you should know
The angels they surround my heart
Telling me to let you go

I bet you couldn’t
I bet you couldn’t recognize but I’ve been hidin’ to it
Who am I to criticize
Somehow I’ll get through it and you won’t even realize
Falling through your own disguise

It’s like over and over
You’re pushing me right down to the floor
I should just walk away
Over and over I keep on coming back for more
I play into your fantasy
Now that it’s over
You can lie to me right through your smile
I’ve seen behind your eyes
Now I’m sober
The more intoxicating my mind

Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
I do, I do

You almost proved yourself this time
That all the saints be praised
You hide your sadness behind your smile
And you keep your lost heartbreaks
The steps that are just on the ledge
Is much higher than it seems
That I’ve been on that ledge before
You can’t hide yourself from me

I bet you couldn’t
I bet you couldn’t recognize, I still play bad to it
Who am I to criticize
Somehow I’ll get through it and you won’t even realize
Falling through your own disguise

It’s like over and over
You’re pushin’ me right down to the floor
I should just walk away
Over and over I keep on coming back for more
I play into your fantasy
Now that it’s over
You can lie to me right through your smile
I’ve seen behind your eyes
Now I’m sober
The more intoxicating my mind

Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
I do, I do

Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you

Universal Heartbeat

Tue, 13 May 2008 16:48:40 GMT

I feel frustrated.

It's like bits and pieces of my mind just want to explode out of my head purely for the sake of teaching me a lesson. I think that is why I try not to get my hopes up about anything. Too much sensation in the good sphere of my brain can cause delusions of granduer. I feel like I am always on a shopping spree and when I get to the registers to pay for my things all I have is Monopoly money in my wallet. I am always the little kid on the playground who goes out for recess only to sit on the sidewalk because no one will play with him. Ha

My dreams are no better friends to me than my heart. Nighttime used to supply me with solace. I used to be able to fall asleep and sleep through the night without trouble. These days twilight is not so much of a companion as she is a cheating whore. She sold her time to the god of light just so she wouldn't have to work a full shift. It's distressing. I think she and the Sandman have worked out a plan to suck the life out of most of us that wish for a night of bliss. The way things have been going lately, I would settle for a refreshing cat nap.

Maybe I try to hard...and I lose my way.

Dreams aside, hopes and infatuations on a another note, I get tired of letting my guard down for an instant. I don't say that I have let it down recently, but I certainly have entertained the thought of being one of those people again. It's hard trying to be that kind of person that will listen to his heart. Eventually my head catches up and paranoia sets in. All in all, fear rears his ugly head and sends me packing. I run to the hills and close up instantly. And I know that I should go with the flow and let the movements of fate carry me along to a destination that I am bound.

I miss him. I miss his smile when I would see him in the morning. I miss hearing him tell me that he loves me. I miss how I felt with him. I miss him.

Such random thoughts won't ever get me to the place that I need to be in order to be healed. Sometimes seeing them in black and white reminds me of how absurd they sound considering the actions that have brought me to where I am today. My broken heart is like a battery that needs a jump start. It works with a charge, and it keeps the motor running, but when it is idle it is just another piece of the vehicle. Unforgiving and patched with bandaids, it's one of those pieced together remnants of past hopes. God help the next man who hopes for occupancy there.

"he'll come around soon, I know"

What do I know? I think I just need to breathe? Stop and smell the roses instead of taking pictures as I am passing by. The part of me that has always been the strongest is the part that tells my heart to "fuck off and get back on track." One weak link in the chain can cause problems. I think that I see the figures that cause my demise and I am certain that what I need is not what I think I need. It's too akward. Feelings forced for the sake of FEELING are just as bad as poison. Even if they make me smile and give me hope. One day I am working hard for the purpose of betterment. The days that follow I am this neurotic mess that clings to his addictions or vices like some spoiled child. In my head I repeat "what the fuck...what the fuck...what the fuck" and I know that my useless chants are only hurting myself. And I take back my power and focus on the things that matter for now.

I am tired of keeping up with appearances. The tape at at the finish line has words on it that read "This is your LIFE" and sadly, things or people that come, go, or stay are what I make of it or them. I am certainly flattered that I am given the opportunity to entertain thoughts of nirvana, but I know that once I cross that finish line I will be the only one there to examine, reference or celebrate my existence. I dunno...maybe someday science will perfect how we think and subsequently remove these parts of the brain that make our heart work. I am certainly tired of being able to remember why it's still there. And for what it is worth, I'd rather be the Tin Man.

I know what the underlying theme here is for the most part. I get it and I understand the message that I want to convey. I am not hopeless, nor am I hopeful. These parts of me that I used to follow as a boy didn't get me any further than they have today, so I have to play by a different set of rules and try not to rush into things. Even if I would like to feel weightless...such things will come in time.

Peace!

In Your Mind

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 02:58:26 GMT

I people watch. Sometimes I do it to the point of rudeness. I will sit in the food court of a crowded mall and slowly eat a bag of potato chips while I watch hundreds of people walk by me. Somedays I have good thought. Some days I have not so good thoughts. Then there are days like today, when I have the worst thoughts of all. Take for instance this situation...

A guy walked into my white trash mart barely half dressed. He had his shorts hanging down to his mid thigh and he was wearing some khaki colored hanes or fruit of the looms at his waist. He came in bare chested and covered with "white-boy-gangsta" tatts (one predominantly arched over his torso above his belly button) and he hadn't washed his hair in probably a few days. I was instantly in love! What can I say...I have a thing for durty white boys with thuggish tatts... and in my daze and wonder, I wondered what I would say to him as he approached me and asked for a book of matches. I looked at him confused for a second and mumbled..."nah man, we're outta matches"...and he turned out and walked out the door. It was then I saw his unique obvious flaw...I mean besides all of the other flaws...he turned around and his underwear had a big old hole in the left buttcheak. Gross! I thought "what kind of person goes around with holes in his underwear....exposed?" As if showing up in my store half naked wasn't proof of his lack of ettiquette. I am a dope.

But I notice these things. I noticed when I started working at this job that 1) I was probably going to be too stuck up to associate with any of the other associates; 2) the woman named Susan that first watched me walk in the door has a mustache thicker than some of the men I have dated; and 3) there is NO way that I am going to be as open about myself in this environment. One little slip of the lisp and I will be working graveyards for the rest of my life.

It's all temporary I guess. It is definitely incentive for me to look for something that I know I am qualified for and that I deserve. Maybe I should work in a mall as a security guard haha...

But back to the subject of people watching...sometimes I think weird things. I will be walking somewhere and see a really homely looking guy and I will think "he must watch a lot of internet porn." Then I think to myself "I watch a lot of internet porn, am I homely" haha! Then I see beautiful men and I wonder "can he (they) even see me?" And I never stop to wonder if they are thinking that they are invisible too. It's amazing though...flying under the radar of visibility. Today a group of bears walked into my store and not a one of them batted an eye at me. Probably because I was at work and somehow society dictates that only straight people can flirt with other straight people in public. Then, as they were walking out the door, they all fixed eyes on this beautiful man with a cap and tight jeans. And I mean, he was beautiful...and they all took notice. So much so that they stopped him and had a lengthy conversation with him. Country Thunder will be in town this weekend. Country Thunder is a big country music festival for those of you who are wondering...Call it Lalapalozza meets country music...ANyway, it's drwing out some real hotties and very goodlooking bearish men...Maybe someone will talk to me like that someday...haha

I am in love with men...boys...guys...they all just get me going! lately it seems to be Emo boys that do it in a different way. I used to see some of them in their sisy habitat and wonder..."why, why would wear such tiny pants?" But now I look at them and see how boyish and enticing they can be. I so don't mean to imply boyish in the term the pedophiliacs would associate. To me...a man can still be very boyish and incredibly sexy. But they are definitely out of my reach. All of their piercings, tattoos and wild hairstyles send me to the ends of the moon. I wonder wear that environment or social crowd was when I was a punk kid bashing his way through straight society? I came into an age that was still very new when accepting gays and lesbians was concerned. The LGBT communityhas made so many strides for many decades, but even in the early 90's it wasn't as common to find young out and about gay boys willing to admit to their true sexuality. Unless you were like me and you didn't give a fuck!

Switching the subject, I was concerned about my sisters dogs barking in the backyard earlier this evening so I went to investigate. I ran out to the backyard and noticed two of the dogs "stuck" together. Immediately I thought..."great, they mother and son...their offspring are going to two heads or three feet!" I couldn't bring myself to stop staring. I was grossed out and I was shaking my finger at the male dog. I told him that he shouldn't go around humping things when he knows that he will get his dick stuck in them. He looked up at me like..."dude, she's pullin me around...help!" And for the life of me I couldn't figure out how to get them unstuck. I wonder if cold water works the same way for dogs like it does with men? I will never know of course because I left them out in the backyard to figure out their own primal nature. Hell, their kind has probably been doing it far longer than my kind...that's for sure.

I guess the moral here is to keep your eyes open and observe the world you inhabit. Somedays you never know how many people you'll pass and wonder "how much internet porn do they watch" or "why is he/she running around bare as can be with holey underwear" or "I really should get my dog(s) fixed!" One day you will wake up on the other side of a convenience store counter asking people if they would like to buy ice or lottery tickets with their purchases. And that day you wake up...someone is going to be thinking the same thing that you thought about convenience store workers..."God, the people that work here are such low class people..." and I'll be standing on the other side of the counter wondering why I couldn't apply myself harder.

Peace!

Kill the Pain and Curse the Shallow

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 21:41:57 GMT

Kill the Pain and Curse the Shallow

C.M. Barrett

don't worry about the afterglow

it's the least that'll burn your skin

don't fret for lies that spew from your lips

what'll kill you is buried within

don't speak to me with tones of rage

it's a look that does the most damage

don't fear me if you can't find love

what's a heart for? yeah I'll manage

don't give me, give me, give me hope

what's it for if you expect the same

don't use the space to exclude existence

fuck the movements and fuck your shame

don't put little pressure on finding yourself

paths are endless, but you refuse to grow

don't patronize the brazen cattle

if idiots are the stars of your show

don't simplify, or justify to give it body

won't bring back that little spark

don't testify for wrongs you've caused

it's still darkness when you're in the dark

don't you, don't you feed pagans pity

wouldn't ebb the tremors or the aches

don't care for caring, shows how little you care

and I don't care for your fucking mistakes

don't swoon the loons or play the piper

if some parade marches to your tired tune

don't kiss a frog to go from rags to riches

what's another cocks song, but a vulgar croon

don't write your sins in blood on walls

it's shit, confessing bastard confess

don't shred the nakedness that hides your soul

it's still void for your bleak distress

don't take time to think, it'll all work out fine

sometimes a bitter man knows no end

don't build the walls that fortify your cell

in my spite you will live condemned

don't you, don't you, don't you do it

it'll bleed me to the core

don't smile at me like all is forgiven

it's still nothing, and I give no more.

Devilish

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 06:28:41 GMT

I guess I have to keep myself interesting in order to have some sort of personality. I have been told that I come across a little evil and pessimistic these days. I try, honestly I really try to be a shiny happy person, but the lilttle voices inside my head say fuck them all and do what you want. I must make better strides to show a positive side of who I am or people will stop inviting me to lunch soon. I think I will repeat this mantra in the mirror every morning..."You are poor, you need lunch...put on a happy face damn it!" Who knows...if numbeyoho-rengaykyo worked for Ms. Angela Basset as Tina in What's Love Got To Do With It, then my own little mantra could make a difference in my life.

I find myself wondering about my personality lately though. The last time I actually went out and had some sort of social interaction with a group of people was probably a little over a year ago. My social hermitage...if that is correct phrasing...or my social annexation...whatever the case, has been imposed on me for far too long. I find that I have nothing interesting to talk to people about because my nose is always buried in my computer. I mean, picture if you will, every day, the highlights of my life are the AOL news headlines that mean absolutely nothing to anyone else. Pathetic huh?

On the plus side, I have some funny stories about the internet. I check out a lot of internet porn or adult sites. Because that is what is always going on in my head; sex. There is nothing too freaky out there that I haven't seen now. Okay, I lie, there are still some things that I don't want to see. And some things I wish I had never seen. Like when I came across the website 2gilrs1cup.com. Honestly, I was curious after I had seen some reaction videos on youtube.com. I surfed the net until I found the right site and I began my descent into scat porn. At first I thought "hmmm, lesbo's kissing..." then pooh went into a cup and some chick started eating it! I couldn't hit stop on my computer fast enough because my body was cunvulsing and dry heaving at the site of dirty chicks eating shit and throw up. After the initial shock, I imposed the horridness on all of my close friends. Now they all hate me, but at least we all get a good laugh!

(tbc)