Cumbrian Sky

WELCOME TO CARNIVAL OF SPACE READERS!

No, this isn't a late April Fool's story. You read that header correctly. The BBC and other news agencies are reporting that there are scientists in Russia proposing to send monkeys on a trip to Mars, to test how they are affected by such a long journey and help prepare for eventually sending people to the Red Planet...

Wow... the vodka was flowing freely at THAT planning meeting, wasn't it?!?!

Now let's be fair before condemning this idea (I'm going to tho, don't worry, have patience!), no-one is suggesting landing the monkeys on Mars and having them scamper down a ladder to plant a flag in the ground. That would be silly. (THAT  would be silly?!?!?!). What's being suggested here is that monkeys (stop laughing, I'm serious!) be sent on the trip to Mars to see how their bodies and minds are affected by such a long mission, and use that information to help plan an eventual manned expedition to Mars. So some of the web comments about the possible bio-contamination of Mars by monkeys in spacesuits is a bit off topic.

However... it seems that this idea is a non-starter to me. Because unless the Russians are going to be able to train the monkeys to carry out housekeeping duties in flight, repair failed systems, or find a way to make them mimic other in-flight activities of astronauts - or just give them Something To Do (and we all know what bored monkeys do in captivity don't we? Come on, be honest, you've sniggered at them doing... that.... in zoos...) - there would be no comparison with a manned mission at all. All they’d be doing would stuffing the poor creatures into a capsule, firing it to Mars, and seeing what kind of gibbering, long-haired, atrophied headcases came back afterwards.

I can hear Animal Rights activists - rightly - sharpening their knives right now...

As for giving us "valuable insight into the physiological effects of a long duration spaceflight", do me a favour Boris. There would be no data from such a flight at all. The monkeys wouldn’t be able to stick to the strict exercise regime necessary to keep them fit and healthy. They wouldn't be able to measure their bone calcium and muscle mass degredation. They wouldn't be able to report how tiring it was just keeping the spacecraft going. In fact, they wouldn’t be able to mimic the inflight activities of a human crew in any way.

( And how are they going to nourish them? How much food and water would a monkey mission to Mars - and there are four words I never imagined writing here! - require? Those Russians obviously haven't realised that bananas are quite heavy and hard to pack... )

As for the mental effects, how could monkeys going to tell us how astronauts will react to being separated from friends and family for such a long time? How could they tell us what it feels like to see Earth shrink in your windown from a blue ball to a speck of azure light? How would monkeys be able to tell us what it feels like to be stuck in a tin can looking at the same faces, and suffering their bad habits and "isms" for two years?

But apart from that, monkeys are the wrong species for this because they're... well, monkeys! Let's see, take two or more social, inquisitive animals, pack them like sardines into a small space with nothing to do and nothing familiar to see for over a year… pretty sure they’d go stark raving bonkers!

Use sheep. They're so dumb they wouldn't have a clue they'd even left Earth. Just stick a few mirrors on the cabin walls, tricking them into believing there are other sheep there with them, and they'll be as happy as can be...

So, no, I can't see this happening, can you? Besides, there’s always the danger the craft would lose control, swing around the Sun at hyperspeed and travel back in time, crash land on Earth, change the course of history, and sentence us to a life of slavery and oppression under dirty ape warlords and their scalpel-happy scientists…

This is a bad idea, really it is. If we send monkeys to Mars, this will happen one day,... you know it will...

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• #1 Comment from actionforspace 
  4/22/08 2:07 PM | Permalink

  Here is a novel idea:
  
  SEND HUMANS TO MARS!
  
  sheesh. maybe they will die, but probably not! They have better odds than explorers of yesteryear. If you are going to go through the trouble of developing hardware to bring a big biped mammal to mars, its a crime not to send humans!