The First Child of Sundrip Journals (AOL Hometown hosting)

A very long time ago a young woman started blogging on AOL. She blogged her little heart out until she realized, well, blogging is what makes my heart beat. And beat it did, right into her own online world of friends and art.

You will find updated artwork and poetry at Sundrip - Art for Life
Please come see the progress by visiting http://www.sundrip.com
If you'd like to read the daily grind of living with multiple personality disorder please visit me in the second page of Sundrip called The People Behind My Eyes. Click the following link http://www.sundrip.com/journal

Don't take my word for it, come see the growth for yourself.
Smiles to you and yours,
Austin of Sundrip


sunflowersnstone at 9:55:40 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

 

911 Comedy & Crackhead neighbors

It only happens to me! Only me! But one does have to laugh and take these things in stride. LOL. I called the police about a noise disturbance and during the conversation I stepped on the kitten, he screamed and I fell against the door dropping the phone. I picked up the phone and told her what happened and she was laughing like I was. So on a 911 phone call I stepped on the kitten and dropped the phone! LOL. Only me! Only me!

 

Brain Vomit 

It’s been a long strange day anyway. I ended up missing my therapy appointment because I fell asleep. I hadn’t been to sleep yet and it was like 8am, then suddenly it was 10 am and the next thing I knew it was noon. I was missing time left and right. I remember the dog getting sick and cleaning up after him. I laid down on the bed next to him. He threw up on the bed actually. I was lying with him and fell asleep. I woke up at 5:30 pm I think it was. After that I went out to play ball with him in the freezing cold. I bought a nerf ball and we played with football out in the snowy air. It was fun.  I came back home and I have to say that I don’t remember much of the day. Right now it’s a few minutes before 1am. I don’t think I’ve eaten at all today. I don’t remember eating anything and nothing is cooked. I noticed that some dishes were done but they were bone dry and no pans or anything was ……sheshhhhhhh, the police are at her door. I can’t believe that they came AFTER she turned the music off. They just told her to turn it down. I think security came and not PD, as usual. I did ask for an PD officer but I don’t think one came. Anyway, so I don’t know where the day went. I do remember dreaming about a house with red carpet. I was in the roof part of it, the attic I think it’s called. I was sleeping. I dreamed about my grandmother’s back yard and the street that slopes up, depending on which direction you’re coming from. I remember dogs use to chase me when I had to walk bythere to get home from school. In the dream this time there was snow on the ground and my grandfather was in the dream but I don’t know why. There was a parking lot behind the house, there were no neighbors around, it was quiet, in the dream it was quiet. I was escaping through a back door that led into a snow white field. The door exists but the field does not. My grandparent’s back yard was large and the pool was set in the back and fenced off. There was more yard past the protected pool but in the dream none of that was there. It was just snow and brown grass peaking out of the snow. I dream that a lot though, about a field in the back of the house and me trying to escape out of it. I dream about the attic and the red carpet a lot too. The dreams are more unsettling than they are what I’d call nightmares. My mother was in the dream and we were sitting in front of two elders that wanted to know what our Christian activity was. The mother started to cry and I moved away from her so she couldn’t touch me as she cried. She was disgusting me with her display of tears and I just didn’t want her to be touching me while she wept for sympathy. I was sitting on a love seat with her and I just kind of leaned over so she couldn’t touch me with her leg or arm or anything. I was then in bed with her in the same room. There was a Christian meeting going on with the 2 of us in a bed. She was sleeping but I was pretending to sleep while listening to the meeting. I was on my stomach and for some reason I couldn’t turn over. I was more or less frozen in that position but I was still trying to listen to the services. Later in the dream I was up and so was the mother. That’s when she started crying and I moved away from her. But in bed she was asleep and I was either pretending to sleep or frozen on my stomach, I can’t really tell which one it was. ……..i’m sorry, I just skipped out for a second. I think it was only a couple of minutes that I was “gone”. Sheshhhhh, I don’t know what happened there. Anyway, I don’t know how the dream ended. My train of thought is broken now.

 

The neighbor has turned her music back up. She’s not even trying to keep it down. I get sick and tired of that, especially since she knows she can get away with it. There isn’t going to be anything done and she knows it.

 

Anyway, I’m hungry now. I’ve got chops made so I’m gonna down two and hit the sheets. I’ve got to work tomorrow.

Austin

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I was on the sofa in the same spot where Haley-bum was on my chest and helped me with anxiety. I was feeling quite angry inside and again, he climbed on my chest and began to purr. I could feel myself blocking him, making sure he didn’t get inside me again, making sure he couldn’t get to the pain and relieve it. It was almost like I was wanting to feel whatever pain I had because it was mine and he had no right to take it. He laid on me for a little while, over my heart, and purred. He put his head right beside my ear and purred. When I didn’t respond in anyway what-so-ever he started biting me until I pushed him off me. That was several hours ago. Right now he’s sleeping on a chair in the bedroom. Cap is on the bed. He’s not even suppose to be here today. This morning I was going to give him back to the shelter/clinic that gave him to me because he was making me so mad I wanted to smack him a few times. We ended up sleeping from I think, I don’t remember what time I laid down, but I didn’t wake until 5:30pm on Wednesday evening. I took cap out and then went back to bed until 11:30pm. I wanted to sleep the entire evening but I ended up doing some cleaning. Its 8:30am and I haven’t been to bed yet. I thought the weather was going to be too bad to go to therapy but it didn’t snow like I thought it would. Schools and stuff are closed because of the weather. I cancelled my session. I think I’ll call and see if it’s been taken.

-us-

sunflowersnstone at 8:30:59 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

 

It’s been a few days since my neighbor died. I think people are still in shock and are still angry about how she died. Late yesterday evening I thought about how she ate my cookies about 2 weeks before she died. I wrote a whole entry about wanting to steal the “love” that people have for food. I thought about how I’d given her the cookies and she liked them a lot. I think a bit that it’s better than saying, “I love you” or “I care about you.” I think that …….I would feel much more grief had she not eaten anything that I’d ever made. Isn't that crazy? I didn’t even know her that well. I knew she was a prostitute, that she was on crack and that her life was horrible. I remember her being manipulative and crying when she thought it would benefit her. Some said that she cried like that so much that they thought she would dehydrate herself. I thought that was hilarious. I still do. I think it’s a deep seeded problem for me to be kind of settled inside with her death simply because I know she didn’t die without eating something I cooked. I didn’t have any respect for this girl. I knew the people she hung with were on drugs and sold themselves and are basically a bad bunch. I know that one of her running buddies robbed a blind addict and she said how horrible it was that they did that to him. I said then that if you run with drug addicts and thieves those things would happen. Man, not good. A person’s associations matter. Anyway, it’s almost like I feel like I got to give her a piece of myself and that I almost feel as if its okay that she’s gone…….or like maybe I beat the clock and she got to steal a bit of “love” before she died………when a person eats they don’t chose food that looks ugly and smells bad. They choose food that is colourful and something that suits who they are at the moment. People say, “I feel like a salad today for lunch.” Or, “I don’t know, what do you want for lunch. I think I’m in the mood for….” We base our food on our immediate emotions and desires, not on long term needs and goals. Food has become a superficial fixation that we’ve made the focus of everything we do. The truth is, we don’t need the many, many, many choices that we have. We could survive on much less than we have available to us. But we love to eat. We think about it all the time. We plan around meals; we pick and chose according to how we feel at that very moment. That kind of love and dedication to food is what I want to steal. I think that at times I ………..i think I’m easily forgotten. I think I am easy to forget, that in just a few moments people will forget that I exist. Life goes so fast and people have so much to do. I slip through the cracks after a few moments in their memory. I don’t matter like German Chocolate Cake. I don’t matter like the memory of the bread your grandmother use to make. I’m gone but you can still taste the icing on last year’s birthday cake and you can still smell the bread in the oven that hasn’t been baked since 19 something. I’m gone in moments and I don’t want to be.

 

You know what? When I was in the 4th grade I remember these pancakes that my mother made. They were so good that we didn’t need syrup on them. I remember tearing them and eating them with my hand. It almost felt like a cultural, foreign hand food type thing when I was eating them. They were light in colour and in texture. I don’t know the recipe to them. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever even tried to make them. I think I want to keep the memory the way it is, kind of undisturbed, not muttled with details of any kind. I can see me tearing the pancake but I can’t see my face. I can see the plate and I can see both of my hands. I don’t have a face. I never have.  

-us-                  

sunflowersnstone at 8:20:08 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Dang am I tried. It’s been a long day. I didn’t sleep well again, but I felt better later on during the day. I went shopping with Cf* today. I also went to Ms* house to look at her PC. It’s fried. I think she has a virus. Her PC is locked up tight. I don’t know. Since I can’t stand to be around her that long I just went in, looked at it and left within 5 or 6 minutes. I spent a heck of a lot of money today. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even get any food. I have to wait until Wednesday to do that. I have some time to try and get a list together instead of trying to remember it all. I know I want some chops and some hamburger but I think mostly I need oil and whole-wheat flour. I’ve started making my own bread instead of buying it. I like my bread better. I also make Cap’s biscuits because I can make them worth more than empty calories like the ones at the store. There are some good biscuits out there but they cost way too much. It’s cheaper to make them than to buy them. I bake about every other day anyway so I figure I can make a batch when I’m making the bread. It’s pretty much the same recipe without the yeast in it. I wish I could get my hands on some protein yeast. That would be good to add, or some brewer’s yeast. That would be good too. I can make the biscuits as thick or as thing or as little or as big as I want them for the same cost. I don’t have to buy different sizes. I have rye flour as well so I can make different kinds ya know? I have molasses, honey, ginger, and all those kinds of spices and sweeteners that can make a pretty good tasting but healthy biscuit. I think most of my money is spent on the dog. I don’t mind it though; he’s the best thing in the world. He’ll be going with us on Wednesday to the store as well as to therapy. I may or may not have a therapy on Wednesday, I’m not sure if I have an appointment then or Thursday or both. I can’t remember so I need to call tomorrow and find out.

I work at 2 and its pretty late right now so I need to go to bed.

Update on the cutie: he drinks too much. I was told he gets pretty drunk. I haven’t seen it myself but I was told that he’s quite the drinker. You know I want nothing at all to do with that! I was married to a “happy” drunk. He didn’t get angry when he drank, he got “happy”. But for me a drunk is a drunk. I don’t like to be around other people when they drink cause it scares me. I also can’t stand the smell.

I’d better get this thing on the net and get to sleep. Heck, I may wait until tomorrow to post this since it’s technically Monday anyway. I’ll just note the time.

Until again,

Austin

2:30 pm How does someone just go to sleep and not wake up? I dont understand it. She was only 41 years old. She had a grand daughter that was here all the time. How can she just not be here this morning? how does that happen? that someone can just die in thier sleep at age 41? how does that happen? I dont understand this.

Me

1:31 AM  She didn’t die in her sleep. Her boyfriend kicked her to death. He kicked her in the stomach and she died during the night. Great! Now tell me how they will explain to her grand daughter how her grandmother died? How will they explain that to that 5-year-old child? Somebody tell me how they will tell her? I want to know!

Austin

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4:06pm

I'm going to dinner with Dw*. I quit smoking today. I'm on the patch. God help me!

austin

1:12am  January 2, 2005

Its early morning and I’m still up from the first of January. I’m tired but I don’t really want to lay down. I went to dinner with Dw*. It went well. His gentlemanly side is beginning to emerge. Hey, train ‘em up right? LOL. Sometimes I think I’d like for him to just hold me. I just want to sit on the sofa and lean on him and watch TV, nothing involved, just human contact in the middle of life almost like I its normal or like it belongs in my life…….maybe like it fits when it really doesn’t. I don’t know……I think I’d be watching myself from across the room. I’d be watching myself try to make it feel right and try to ignore that it doesn’t…….try to think of how it should fit but doesn’t…….how it should feel normal……..how I don’t know what that feels like, to be held normally, to feel okay……not protected kinda safe, but not afraid that I’m going to be hurt or going to end up doing something I don’t want to do…….just watching TV……just doing what people do……knowing me, I’d be across the room analyzing everything. I do that. I wish I didn’t. I could enjoy a moment if I could stop analyzing what I should do and what I should have done. If I could stay in my body and not go across the room….if I could sit and actually hear anything going on around me and not leave so that the world is cut out and my ears stop working……if I could simply get my head to stop going on and on about how I wish I could come back to myself and for once just enjoy the moment……lots of ifs. That would be why I’m at home and not sitting up with him. that’s life right? Mine anyway

 

When I was working at the University my issues with perfection were raging. I had the ideas that the mother gave us about always being able to improve even your best.So I was on this time schedule that I made for myself. I even scheduled restroom brakes. My lunch was scheduled, coffee brakes schedules and written down in a leather bound book. It was a nice book. I’ve never seen one like it again. But when I would be 2 minutes off schedule during lunch I’d try to be on time the next day. I didn’t want to finish early and I didn’t want to finish late. Yeah, restroom brakes were penciled in and were taken at that time. How did I keep the time? A watch and a travel alarm clock that would ring for a two-minute warning.  One time I missed an appointment and I swore up and down that I never scheduled it because it wasn’t in “the book”. The lady was irritated with me because I was telling her it wasn’t in my book, if I had an appointment I would have written it down. Man, I found out later that she was right. You know people use to say they’d be lost without their day planner. Yeah, well, I would have been. I had everything from travel mileage, to expense reports and shopping lists in that little book. Every phone number that I had was in it, every thing I did and was going to do was in that book. The good thing was that it fit in a small bag or a slightly larger pocket. Of course I carried a brief case and was considered “conservative”. LOL, can you believe it, me conservative? I asked why and she told me because even in the summer months I wore long sleeved shirts. I wore suits. I wore blouses with floral embroidery at the neck, straight and long skirts, the non-K-Mart brand heals and carried a brief case that had one side that folded out as a workstation. It was a bad case. I loved that thing. So yeah, I was conservative. I have to say that I may have been happy then, partly so. My mind went 100 miles an hour back then but I think there were more happy days than not. Looking back it seems that way, I don’t know. That was, what, 1995? Man, 10 years have passed since I remember feeling happy. I’ve got good days and bad days, but I don’t feel happy ever. I think my heart mourns more than it smiles, if it ever smiles. I think when I look at my boys I smile and hurt at the same time.

 

I rearranged my room the other day and moved mybed. I seem to need to sleep facing East. I made it so that I could look out the window while in bed. Cap has his area; I have the mini-office and then where I sleep. It’s a good thing that the room is large.

Destiny, of the night

sunflowersnstone at 4:06:39 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

I didn’t sleep very well last night. It was a bad night. I know I had nightmares but I don’t remember them right now.

 

That little girl that was missing, they found her dead. That pisses me off. He didn’t have to kill her. Sometimes I think I would have preferred to die under the abuse that I suffered. A lot of times I think death would have been much more kind. I’m not happy the little girl was killed. Her family, that didn’t hurt her, now has to deal with the fact that she was murdered and most likely sexually assaulted before she was killed. That makes me sick.

 

I’m still a bit angry but I’m not sure why. I didn’t go to work today either.

 

I got some money in the bank last night and so I was able to go get food for the boys today. I wont get any more money until the 3rd. My check from work will not come in until the 6th of January. I cashed the check that the council sent me in the mail. It cost me $5 to cash it and it was only for $25.00. I don’t know what is going on with one other money source. I should have gotten the check a long time ago but its not come in. I have an extra $300 this month from the work check and the third one that will be sent to me.

 

I did some work in the kitchen. I had to drill some holes to put in a can opener. I like that kind of work. The other day I had to take the guts from one lamp and put them in another. That was fun too. Right now I’m in my apartmentand the walls seem so close. I feel cut off from everyone and everything.

Austin

sunflowersnstone at 11:04:24 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

 

I’m angry with this man for dying. I didn’t even like his character on Law and Order, but when I found out today that he died I was so angry with him. I didn’t like his character at all, not even a little bit. But when I found out he was dead I think my heart didn’t grieve, I was pissed, I was angry enough to take a knife to my arms and cut until……to just cut. I don’t know. Maybe the anger is that 80 thousand people have died since Sunday and even though this man was not on my “favored” list, and he wasn’t in Asia, his death was close to home. I can’t tell you how angry I feel. Its 4am and I have to be at work at 2pm. I may or may not make it. I don’t know. But with “Lenny” dying I think I’m a bit out of sorts. There are 80 thousand people that I’ve never heard of that died across the world, across oceans and islands that I’ve never heard of. And while the death toll is disturbing at best, it was still unreal and distant. But I saw “Lenny” on TNT constantly. I commented again and again about how I hated his character. I actually saw the actor as “Lenny” and didn’t like the actor either. I don’t even know his real name. Somehow I feel betrayed, like, “you could have told me you were sick”. How? How would he have done that? He didn’t know me anymore than I knew him. Today I found out that he was in one of my favorite Disney movies, Beauty and The Beast. He was the candlestick guy. He was also in 65 movies in his 40-year career. He was in the first Dirty Dancing. I didn’t remember that either. Right now there is an emergency vehicle racing by with the siren on. I think I hate that sound. It makes me angry. It makes me feel hopeless and like I want this world to end more than anything. I may go with it, but I want it to end so badly. I’m tired of people dying. I’m tired of people being sick and depressed and hungry and …….scared. I just want the Promised Land. I just want to Paradise. I just want this to be over.

Austin, the sun will be up in 5,4,3,2,1 hour.

sunflowersnstone at 4:02:32 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

We could all learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have wierd names... and all are different colors....
but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

this isnt my quote but i liked it when i saw it.

Austin, riding with the sun

sunflowersnstone at 1:59:31 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

 

I managed to clean and to make 3 loaves of bread. I made 2 whole grain and one white. I’ve actually started making white bread instead of buying it. It takes better homemade and its not like it’s a burden to make a white loaf in addition to the whole grain ones.

 

I was a bit lonely today. I’m not sure why but I was. I spent a little time with my friend Twf*, whom I’ve not spoken of in awhile in this journal. My spell check didn’t even recognize her “name”. I had to put it in the dictionary so it wouldn’t mark it as misspelled. She seemed tired, overwhelmed a bit. She was out of breath like maybe she was having an asthma attack. She said she was just tired. I brought Haley-bum down for her to see. I told her that at her boyfriend’s house where she lives, there is really nothing that indicates that she lives there other than her cooking supplies. None of her personality shows in that apartment. She does the laundry and the cooking and the cleaning, yet there is nothing in that house that shows her personality. Or maybe the lack of show is what I’m seeing. I think he is very controlling anyway. She asks to use the phone. She asks if she can come up to see me. He will call up here and tell her to come home. So the lack of her personality showing in the apartment may be the most obvious thing. She says sometimes that she doesn’t know why she is with him. Anyway, this entry wasn’t about her man. I wanted to talk about the loneliness that had me call her 4 times yesterday and twice today. I just wanted to reach out to someone that had half a heart. I didn’t want to call Jw* or go down there. Hell, she still doesn’t call me. Why on earth would I go down there? Crazy!

 

So I got some cleaning and some baking done. I have to say that by Friday my food supply will be slim to nothing. I’m happy that on Friday I’ll have about $60.00. The real money won’t come until the 3rd and then I’ll get paid for work on the 6th. Just the other day I was saying that I’m living comfortably financially, but it seems that this month we have been a bit short. I have enough food until Friday, but past that I’m in trouble. I guess part of it is having no car to get to thestore. I have some cash, not much, but if I’d been able to get to he store I’d have been able to buy some food. It’s just that if I pay gas money I can’t buy the food. So I’m stuck with no car and food that’s running out quickly. The good thing is that we have a cafeteria here. I can eat free 5 days a week. That’s not a problem. I think I’m a bit worried but for the most part I realize that Friday is only 2 days away.

 

I’m hoping to get some good sleep tonight. I woke up when someone inside screamed. It was a female voice that screamed and woke me up. I knew that I didn’t scream out loud because the boys didn’t move. They were not looking at me like “what the hell is wrong with you?” I realize then that it really was inside. I don’t think I was awake for long. I went right back to sleep I’m pretty sure. I don’t recall my dreams but I know something wasn’t right.

 

I guess that’s all for now. I’ve not much to say tonight.

Austin, of the Sunrise

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