The First Child of Sundrip Journals (AOL Hometown hosting)

I got my hair done a few days ago. I got it cut and permed. I also got some new earings. I wanted a really femanine look and I think I got it. I'm happy with it. Its something new. I usually have some kind of funky haircut where its spikey on top or something like that. This time its a grown up look and very femanine. I wanted to be able to look my age. heck, my body feels older than 32 but I dress at times like a teenager. I think that I like being older and like looking like an adult. For awhile now I've looked at myself in the mirror and saw beyond that teenage girl. I dont feel young but I dont feel finished either. I can acutually see maturity in my face. I've been able to see if for awhile now. Not seeing myself as a child or "youthful" is helpful in keeping me grounded. I mean, if I dont look like a kid in the mirror and dont dress like a kid then its a bit easer to remember that I'm an adult with the same relative safety of an adult.  I made it to adulthood. that is a victory since I didnt think I'd live through what my mother and her family were putting me through. Now its time to enjoy that victory. No more just surviving. I'm pleased with the day at the salon. I think looking older and feeling older helps because I dont see myself as a victim. I see children as victims, as vulnerable, as in danger. If I'm not a child then those things apply to me less. I actually lived through that. Many did not. I have to say I just felt a bit of awe and some pride. I did it. I lived through that when others didnt. Hmm.... its nice to know I was spared. That gives me the opportunity to make the life that was spared count. There is no since in saving something just to have it wasted down the line.

Austin

p.s.  My ex has called a few of my friends. He will be moving back in the state and actually pretty darn close to where I am now. he has asked for my phone number but it was not given to him. I expect to hear from him in a few days. That is a train reck waiting to happen. i think i should get off the tracks before the train ever makes it my way. That basically means that there is no way that I even want to be friends. I think being civil is enough. Drug, alcohol and a temper do not help a relationship. You throw in a little racism and you've got yourself one hell of a cocktail.

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