The First Child of Sundrip Journals (AOL Hometown hosting)

I wonder what is behind the quiet now. I dont trust it anymore. Its been like this for a few months now, maybe about 6 actually. I use to need so much silence because I feared things. Now I'm afraid of the silence, as if something is behind it. What I wouldnt know, but my imagination has some ideas.

I keep the TV on so I can see the picture and I'm not so alone. I am afraid to turn the lights out. As much as I want to I'm afraid to log off because then there is no connection to the outside world and that truly makes me alone in silence. I use to need it and now I loath it. I sat outside on the porch today. its a busy city tonight, well, as always. All the flags were half staff with Reagon passing and all, everything seemed so somber. The wind was nice, the night was nice for awhile. Captain and I sat out on the swing. People came up to us to see the dog as we were in an open area where the public walks by. Its a main street and day and night there are people out there. I was wanting to spend a little time in the night air with the dog but it didnt turn out that way for the most part. Seems that a lot of Deaf people were out as well and of course I signed with them for awhile. then an older man came up on the property and sat beside me for about 5 or 6 minutes. That kind of blew my private time with Captain. We left and walked around the block, leaving the old man on the swing. When we got back he was gone, as I expected he would be. I didnt want to be in the Lazy B watching TV all night but I didnt want to be outside with half the city either. So now I'm rambling on the net about what was suppose to be a nice night on the swing but ended up with me coming in early. For some reason I dont think that under normal circumstances I'd be all that disillusioned about it. Right now with PMDD symptoms on the rise I think I could be disillusioned with just about anything. There is nothing differant about tonight than last night other than a change in harmones. For the next 2 weeks that is what will decide what is enjoyed and what is not and the circumstances dont have the change, just my harmone levels and things can go from enjoyable to down right dangerous. it comes with the territory. I think I want new territory.

I see that before Maureen went back to Adam, she and Morton had a recorded conversation. I think that is the first recorded conversation for this journal. ........ I'm kind of blanking out here so I better sign off. I'm tired.....

I'm scared......

until again, Joan of Arc

"There is much weeping and nashing of the teeth"  

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