The People Behind My Eyes (AOL Version)

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

Subject: New Blog Host For This AOL Journal
Time: 7:48:32 PM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone

I’ve found a new home for this journal

Announcing THE NEW BLOG HOST:

Here’s the new link:

http://www.sundripjournals.wordpress.com

As I tried to post this entry it became evident that leaving AOL Hometown is a good decision. I lost my goodbye post; Hometown ate it like it’s eaten many other entries.

The journal name is the same: The People Behind My Eyes, it’s just on a new site. I’ll pick up journal entries there.

The purpose of the journal is the same so the “all about me” section and other profile information does not change. Only the location has changed. I hope you’ll join us at our new home.

http://www.sundripjournals.wordpress.com

o:p>

Joan of Arc inside

Morton’s Pride

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Monday, September 5, 2005

Subject: Issues With Sex - Resolutions
Time: 3:06:35 AM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone

I’m not really suicidal right now. The other day was touch and go. It wasn’t pretty. Adam took Maureen in to be cared for.

I think today the only thing we did was ..... shesh, I don’t know what I did today. It’s almost 1AM and I have no clue what I’ve done today. I don’t need to think about that. I need to sleep. My dreams haven’t been good at all. My friend the sherif called a few times, I spoke with Mrs. R*, Hammer Head and that’s it I think. I talked to Barney for a bit also. Guilt has set in. I know I said awhile back that I was excessively horny and it was only a matter of time before I was going to have to do something about it or lose my damn mind. That would "do something" or "someone" was today. Right now I’m kind of in and out of my head. I’m somewhat ... I feel high I guess. I don’t know if it’s a "damn girl!" type high or if it’s dissociation. I don’t like one night stands but I suppose if it’s a one night stand that isn’t an often occurrence then I can leave out the plural form of stand. I think the guilt is that I know I don’t want a relationship and neither does she. We just needed to get laid and well, we did.

My ex told me one time that she didn’t want a relationship anymore because of her issues but that she wanted to keep me as a sex partner so that she didn’t have to sleep around. In my mind that was usury. Right now I’m considering a non-emotional, physical outlet type monogamous partnership. Goodness, has society changed or what? We don’t date, we don’t have strings attached or communicate our emotional needs, we just meet for sex ..often! I suppose it’s a way to meet physical needs while making sure we do it safely and with a measure of self respect intact. I don’t know. I still feel high though. I have to go to sleep. She went home, which is good cause I don’t like sharing my bed through the night with anyone. This is going to be hard. I don’t like the thought of using anyone. The other thing is this, how does it work when I don’t want it but she does or visa versa? The other person is suppose to understand or whatever? That to me sounds like a relationship. I don’t know. I haven’t decided... well, I guess I have. It was a very long time that I went without sex. I think it will be okay to go that long again. I do not see any need in complicating things. Looks like I remember what I did today. My memory is back, as well as my ability to reason.

Joan of Arc

Mon Sep 5, 05 (12:46am)

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Sunday, September 4, 2005

Subject: Crisis Point - Suicidal
Time: 12:54:34 AM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone

I just felt myself slip from hanging by a thread to literally falling on the keyboard. I thought i was going to pass out. i just kind of slumped over. i realized earlier today that i'm a bit suicidal. that scares the crap out of me. yesterday someone inside said they'd never overdose again. i dont think we would. if things get worse we will go in. man, it's been 2 years since we've had to go in. i'm not sure what else to say. i should go to sleep though. i dont mean forever, just for tonight i should go to sleep.

Maureen, i'm 19

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Saturday, September 3, 2005

Subject: Update: I'm Blocked From E-Friends Journal
Time: 6:31:57 PM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone
Mood: Sad

I feel so bad... and stupid...man. I dont know what I said but it was bad enough to get blocked. I feel like shit. I would cry but I'm too friggin angry with myself. I know I go really fast sometimes. My head goes 100 miles per hour and I dont list to Jacquelyn tell me to slow down. Evendently I went too fast and said too much cause I'm certainly blocked now. I feel so bad. I just feel so bad. It's one of those, "here we go again" things. Morton's Pride doesn't have the best name on the net anyway. sometimes it's because we dont take people's bullshit and they think we should. they say we should give more room for other people's "mistakes" because we're further along in therapy. That got old and we spoke up for ourselves many times. there are DID egroups we can't go back to... well, one we can't go back to and a few we'd never join again. I just have that, "here we go again feeling." Its hard because I haven't identified what it is that makes this happen. it's the same feeling with my mother when i didnt know why i upset her so much. i knew there was something i was doing but wasn't sure what it was. i found out it was her. she was just a cruel woman. this situation is only similar in that i dont know what i did to upset this person. maybe i didnt upset her. maybe i overwhelmed her with comments. i dont know. I called it support. She seemed so upset and things. I hadn't commented in over 2 weeks cause my PC was down.

I'm not going to try and figure it out right now. it's 6AM. i'm going to eat something and go to bed.

Me, (or someone like me)

UPDATE

LOOKS AS IF AOL HOMETOWN HAS FUCKED UP AGAIN!! These people make me so angry. I spent the whole night thinking I'd done something wrong when AOL Hometown errors were the reason that I couldnt leave a message on her site. I sent her an email and left a comment on her page after i read her entry about the fault belonging to AOL. I am relieved to know that she didnt block me.

The comment I left in her journal today explained the irritation with AOL. This is the comment I left on her journal today along with the link to her entry:

http://journals.aol.com/jewlgems4victory/MultipleReflections/entries/1743

AOL SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS.

Hi ..
girl I was like, what on earth did I say??? Sheshh... I give a sigh of relief because I thought for sure you were upset with me for something. Right now I'm giggling but last night I was all devistated cause I was like, what on earth did I say???
If this goes through I want the world to know that AOL errors on Hometown are the very reason I'm searching for a new blog host. Dang, when AOL starts depressing me then the search for a new blog host will intensify. yall, I'm so happy you didnt block us. I am very happy to know this was AOL. If this doesn't get through I'm sending it privately. If you'd like you can post it on your journal letting cyber space know that AOL Hometown SUCKS and that we are cool and everything. I know this is just all you needed to wake up to. It was all I needed to go to bed to. This is just crazy making. AOL Hometown needs to leave town!
until again,
Austin
_________________

I don't know why I still feel sad. I dont feel upset with the friend at all. I don't think she caused this and I hold no ill will towards her. I think I'm sad about the situation. I think I'm sad that something as stupid as an AOL error brought back so many old "bad girl" issues. I dont want to touch this right now.

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Subject: I'm Blocked From E-Friends Journal
Time: 6:45:31 AM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone
Mood: Sad

I'm not going to try and figure it out right now. it's 6AM. i'm going to eat something and go to bed.

Me, (or someone like me)

UPDATE

The comment I left in her journal today explained the irritation with AOL. This is the comment I left: http://journals.aol.com/jewlgems4victory/MultipleReflections/entries/1743

NEW HOME for Sundrip Journals at Wordpress.com. The new link is:

http://sundripjournals.wordpress.com/

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Subject: Surviving vs Thriving - Suicide vs Healing
Time: 6:31:16 AM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone

The last thing I want to do is survive. Survival is harder than thriving. I've survived too much. I want to live. I want to want to leave my house. I want to work again...outside my home! I want to not fear loud voices. I want to not look over my shoulder. I want to not look at sharp objects and think of what they could do to my skin. Have you ever run across and exacto knife at your house and the first thing you thought about was using it on yourself... so you leave it where it lay because picking it up might be more dangerous than leaving it? I want more than survival. I dont want to vomit after i eat. I dont want to have to struggle to keep it down. I want to look people in the eye and not wonder if they know that behind my eyes is one broken and tired woman that just wants the basics in life: clean clothing. a roof over my head. peace of mind. Survival does not give these things. I dont want survival. i survived my mother. At 34 survival is a continuation of the past and therefor not an option. thriving is the goal. Maureen of Morton's Pride

For Maureen:

Maureen's Responsibilities: The Buffer

Maureen handles all of the heavy feelings that the rest of the group can’t handle. They give them to her to hold so that the rest of the group can function. This strategy has proven to be unsuccessful. Maureen became inactive for a significant period of time due to single handedly holding the systems heaviest emotions.

I can’t stress enough how tired she is and how muchpain she is in all of the time. Her life is probably the one that I feel sorry for the most. And never once has Maureen complained about the job she has. But I am doing it for her.

Austin of Morton's Pride

on the subject of different alters used for functioning:

my comments: I wonder sometimes if it's a good idea for there to be some that handle functioning and others thatdon't. That'swhat we do butsometimes I wonder how well it serves us. I think it encourages dissociating. It also means that our memory is more fragmented than integrated. Our friendships are different. We have to make sure that the "front runner" is out or we don't make it to the store, to doc apt or anywhere else for that matter. We struggle to remember who people are when the funtioning ones are not present or are not completely out. The difference in us are more obvious since the jobs are split up so distinctly. It's how we function but it certainly has it's flaws.

It was said that DID's commit suicide more than other psych patients:

my comments: I dont know if it is or not but I can see how hopelessness can seep in and strangle out a persons ability to see other ways of ending pain. I'm a heart patient because of a failed overdose. In 2003 or 2002 ( can't remember) I took 6000 mg of a muscle relaxer. My intent was to shut down my respiratory system. I successfully damaged my heart beyond repair. I'm a heart patient now. I somehow survived a pulminary embulism that went to my heart and my lungs. People dont live through stuff like that the majority of the time. I did...somehow...am I greatful for that???? sometimes. today I am... tomorrow I may not be...but tomorrow isn't here yet. FYI - Overdoses, even with whiskey is not enough to kill you. it just makes you a heart patient. 6000 mg of a muscle relaxer, various psych medsand a bunch of cheap whiskey wont kill you. it'll just destroy your heart. I've tried so many times to do it this way and it DOES NOT WORK. so dont evenwaste your time guys. Dont kill yourself at all but certainly dont waste your time trying with an overdose. After 15 attempts with overdose mixes, I can truthfully say that OVERDOSES DO NOT WORK. They get you hospitalized. They add to self esteem issues. Each attempt makes the next one easier to do. failed attempts turn into practice for the next attempt. the scares from it are more than physical and only add to an already complicated emotional existance. I know how hard this life is. Sometimes I just dont want to be alive...actually, a lot I dont want to be alive. Maybe it's not that I dont want to be alive, it's that i don't want to hurt at this level. When I do, I have to remember that I have many times when things are good. those times are not in the distant past and as long as I breath those much needed times will come.

Austin I choose to heal so I choose to live.

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Subject: Stretch 2-3-4 and Stretch 2-3-4
Time: 4:20:47 AM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone

Picture from Hometown

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Friday, September 2, 2005

Subject: Info on my migraine headaches - WOW
Time: 4:00:19 AM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone

I wrote in this journal:

This is the first night of a severe headache. My head is killing me, enough so that I took some meds for it. I think my anxiety level increased when the headache got worse. It’s on the right side of my head behind my ear and on my neck. This is crazy really. I’ve eaten a few meals today but not much. I had a hamburger and then later I had some eggs and cheese. Later I had some popcorn. Right now I’m going to take some meds and to go sleep. My head is killing me.

I wrote this to my egroup Black Girl DID:

Hey girls, I was doing some research on migraines and found a good article on the WebMD site. This article blows me away because I always thought I had regular migraines but it looks like I have cluster headaches. I've been saying in my posts how the headache is right behind my right eye and down the neck on that same side. It's always right there. I feared I was loosing my eye sight or that I would lose my eye sight. I thought there was something majorly wrong with my eye. I have a sigh of relief knowing that it's a cluster headache. Sheshhh.

You are in Diseases & Conditions.

Headache Symptoms

Day-to-Day

Toolbox

To the Migraines & Headaches Center

Although not all headaches are the same, they all share at least one thing in common - they cause pain. But, many headaches also cause other unwanted symptoms, including nausea and vomiting. This article addresses the most common symptoms associated with the different types of headaches.

Tension Headaches

People with tension headaches commonly report these symptoms:

Episodic Tension Headaches (occurs less than 15 days per month)

Pain is mild to moderate, constant band-like pain, pressure or throbbing
Pain affects the front, top or sides of the head.
Pain usually begins gradually, and often occurs in the middle of the day
Pain may last from 30 minutes to several days

Chronic Tension Headaches (occurs more than15 days per month)

Pain may vary in intensity throughout the day, but the pain is almost always present
Pain affects the front, top or sides of the head
Pain comes and goes over a prolonged period of time

Associated Symptoms of Tension Headaches include:

Headache upon awakening
Difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep
Chronic fatigue
Irritability
Disturbed concentration
Mild sensitivity to light or noise
General muscle aching

Migraines

The symptoms of migraine headaches can occur in various combinations and include:

Moderate to severe pain (often described as pounding, throbbing pain) that can affect whole head, or can shift from one side of the head to the other
Sensitivity to light, noise or odors
Blurred vision
Nausea or vomiting, stomach upset, abdominal pain
Loss of appetite
Sensations of being very warm or cold
Paleness
Fatigue
Dizziness
Fever (rare)
Bright flashing dots or lights, blind spots, wavy or jagged lines (aura)

Cluster Headaches

Intense one-sided pain described as having a burning or piercing quality that is throbbing or constant
Pain is located behind one eye or in the eye region, without changing sides
Pain lasts a short time, generally 30 to 90 minutes. But, it can last from 15 minutes to three hours. The headache will disappear only to recur later that day (most sufferers get one to three headaches per day during a cluster period).
Headaches occur very regularly, generally at the same time each day, and they often awaken the person at the same time during the night.

Sinus Headaches

Deep and constant pain in the cheekbones, forehead or bridge of the nose
The pain usually intensifies with sudden head movement or straining and usually occurs with other sinus symptoms, such as nasal discharge, feeling of fullness in the ears, fever, and facial swelling.

Frequently Asked Questions >

Visit the group "BlackGirlDID" on the web.

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Thursday, September 1, 2005

Subject: Emotional Cannibalism
Time: 9:26:05 PM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone

Emotional Cannibalism

What happens when a person needs pain? I mean, what do I do when I need to hurt? I use to say that people read online journals so that they can have permission to feel their own pain. Why else would anyone read another person’s journal? I know I say I read them so that I can know I’m not alone but what good does it do for me to read another person’s ills? It gives me permission to feel my own pain. I think it’s also the reason we as humans would rather watch Law and Order instead of some telethon. We can distance ourselves from the pain but still feel enough of it for some type of release. It’s all asking for permission to feel. It’s why I listen to Linkin Park’s Meteora repeatedly. I listen so I can stir up pain that would otherwise go unexpressed and sit and fester in my belly. Maybe sometimes it’s more of a drug type fix than a therapeutic outlet. Sometimes music gives me the kick I need to get things done. When I listen to Gavin De Graw I’m usually in a cleaning mood. When I listen to Linkin Park I need to climb inside and eat at myself for a bit. Emotional cannibalism. Wow. My own new term… emotional cannibalism. If this term is accurate, I’m feasting at the moment.

(The song "Numb" by Linkin Park reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. I like the way the blonde guy sings. He seems to bend in agony. I think that’s what makes him so attractive to people in pain. He expresses it very well. Perhaps his ability to express that anger out loud makes the CD one that I play often.)

I’ve done a lot of reaching out today but it doesn’t seem like enough. It doesn’t feel like I’m making a difference in anyone’s life. I have my group Black Girl DID. Most of the people I know from journals. They write in and sometimes it feels like I can’t say enough or that I say too much. My own issues come into play because sometimes my reply is manic in nature or withdrawn and simplistic.

Even when I do things well I’m not pleased with my performance. Many, many people tell me that I cook well but I have to admit that I don’t enjoy my own cooking. I tell people I have the best yeast rolls around but when it comes to eating them myself the one thing going through my head is, "I could have done this or that better." I tear my food apart like some critic. I’d like to just enjoy it like others do.

(Gavin DeGraw, that white boy can sing! His music is inspiring which now means I need to clean. That is too funny! Music changes the mood. Like I need help with changing. Hell, I have DID, I do enough changing for crying out loud.)

Austin (me or someone like me)

September 1, 2005 (8:06pm)

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Subject: Fearing Sleep Fearing Me
Time: 3:21:39 AM EDT
Author: sunflowersnstone

I slept so well last night but I fear the bed tonight. I'm back to my same old self, worrying and anxiously putting off sleep. It's been this way for the last few days.

When the therapist had to leave I thought I would lose my mind. I lost so much time and did things I didnt realize I'd done. I started to deny having done these things but there was no one here to do them but me(s). The days seemed extra long but had chunks of time that were simply not there. It scared me badly. I didnt know what I was doing from one minute to the next. I would find myself walking back and forth through the house aimlessly, like I wasn't sure where I was. There was always someone in the back of my head trying to get a grip on things. We never did, we just stayed wandering and fearful of what we'd done in that lost time. It's been years upon years since we did things we didnt remember doing. Also, we couldnt think of every day words. We didnt respond to our name and we expected the landlord to call us by our birth name. We feared that the most. He couldnt know that name so we knew it was an unreasonable fear but it was still present as if it had merit. that scared us too. We stopped eating to the point that the sheriff came over and told us we had to eat something. he said if we didnt eat he wouldnt. we told him that Gondhi tried that and you see what that got him. He laughed. We went to Denny's and had tolapia. I love that stuff.

Of course that has been Dw* drama. We accidently locked ourselves out of the house. He was helping us move a chair when we locked ourselves out. He just put the chair on the lawn and said good luck and that he hoped the landlord would get home soon to let us in. he left us here around 11 AM. It started to rain at 5:30PM so my neighbor called to us and told us to come in to his house and get out of the rain. We went in and played darts and watched TV. It was pretty cool. By 8pm we decided to call Dw* and tell him to get his Georgian ass back to our house and pick us up. We told him to buy us a sandwhich and some squares and to come and get us. he did. He did because he's a pussy and he never says no to anyone for any reason! We got Micky D's and a pack of menthol squares just like we told him we wanted! When I finally got back in the house, which was about 9:30PM he asked me if I was going to still cook him dinner the next day. i was like....WHAT??? The next day was my birthday and he wanted me to cook him dinner for my birthday. Yeah, right! That same day was the day my pc guy was to come. They both arrived at the same time that day. Georgia boy (Dw*) was surprised that i wasn't cooking but also wanted to know who the hell this other guy was at my house. I escorted him right out the door and right back into his hillbilly red truck. He was pissed but I care not!

Arggh... it's been a long day. It's been an up and down day. I think I may be ready to retire soon.

Austin, me or someone like me

UPDATE: it's 8:39 AM I've yet to go to sleep. I swear I'm heading in now.

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