The People Behind My Eyes (AOL Version)

What happens when a person needs pain? I mean, what do I do when I need to hurt? I use to say that people read online journals so that they can have permission to feel their own pain. Why else would anyone read another person’s journal? I know I say I read them so that I can know I’m not alone but what good does it do for me to read another person’s ills? It gives me permission to feel my own pain. I think it’s also the reason we as humans would rather watch Law and Order instead of some telethon. We can distance ourselves from the pain but still feel enough of it for some type of release. It’s all asking for permission to feel. It’s why I listen to Linkin Park’s Meteora repeatedly. I listen so I can stir up pain that would otherwise go unexpressed and sit and fester in my belly. Maybe sometimes it’s more of a drug type fix than a therapeutic outlet. Sometimes music gives me the kick I need to get things done. When I listen to Gavin De Graw I’m usually in a cleaning mood. When I listen to Linkin Park I need to climb inside and eat at myself for a bit. Emotional cannibalism. Wow. My own new term… emotional cannibalism. If this term is accurate, I’m feasting at the moment.

I’ve done a lot of reaching out today but it doesn’t seem like enough. It doesn’t feel like I’m making a difference in anyone’s life. I have my group Black Girl DID. Most of the people I know from journals. They write in and sometimes it feels like I can’t say enough or that I say too much. My own issues come into play because sometimes my reply is manic in nature or withdrawn and simplistic.

Even when I do things well I’m not pleased with my performance. Many, many people tell me that I cook well but I have to admit that I don’t enjoy my own cooking. I tell people I have the best yeast rolls around but when it comes to eating them myself the one thing going through my head is, "I could have done this or that better." I tear my food apart like some critic. I’d like to just enjoy it like others do.

(Gavin DeGraw, that white boy can sing! His music is inspiring which now means I need to clean. That is too funny! Music changes the mood. Like I need help with changing. Hell, I have DID, I do enough changing for crying out loud.)

Austin (me or someone like me)