The People Behind My Eyes (AOL Version)

I think today the only thing we did was ..... shesh, I don’t know what I did today. It’s almost 1AM and I have no clue what I’ve done today. I don’t need to think about that. I need to sleep. My dreams haven’t been good at all. My friend the sherif called a few times, I spoke with Mrs. R*, Hammer Head and that’s it I think. I talked to Barney for a bit also. Guilt has set in. I know I said awhile back that I was excessively horny and it was only a matter of time before I was going to have to do something about it or lose my damn mind. That would "do something" or "someone" was today. Right now I’m kind of in and out of my head. I’m somewhat ... I feel high I guess. I don’t know if it’s a "damn girl!" type high or if it’s dissociation. I don’t like one night stands but I suppose if it’s a one night stand that isn’t an often occurrence then I can leave out the plural form of stand. I think the guilt is that I know I don’t want a relationship and neither does she. We just needed to get laid and well, we did.

My ex told me one time that she didn’t want a relationship anymore because of her issues but that she wanted to keep me as a sex partner so that she didn’t have to sleep around. In my mind that was usury. Right now I’m considering a non-emotional, physical outlet type monogamous partnership. Goodness, has society changed or what? We don’t date, we don’t have strings attached or communicate our emotional needs, we just meet for sex ..often! I suppose it’s a way to meet physical needs while making sure we do it safely and with a measure of self respect intact. I don’t know. I still feel high though. I have to go to sleep. She went home, which is good cause I don’t like sharing my bed through the night with anyone. This is going to be hard. I don’t like the thought of using anyone. The other thing is this, how does it work when I don’t want it but she does or visa versa? The other person is suppose to understand or whatever? That to me sounds like a relationship. I don’t know. I haven’t decided... well, I guess I have. It was a very long time that I went without sex. I think it will be okay to go that long again. I do not see any need in complicating things. Looks like I remember what I did today. My memory is back, as well as my ability to reason.

Joan of Arc

Mon Sep 5, 05 (12:46am)