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2:20:00 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
And now for something completely different
For this to make ANY SENSE to you whatsoever, you will need to visit Mrs. L's journal. Help Jeffcomedy. I guess I had nothing better to do, today.
"Where am I?" I asked myself as I awoke in a daze. Feeling like my head would explode from an obvious hangover, I continued the interrogation, "Why the hell am I asleep on the floor of my closet?"
Looking up, I could see my ex-wife’s
wedding dress. I’d kept it after the divorce just to be spiteful. I tried to pull myself up but lost my balance and fell back to the ground, pulling my favorite sweater down from its hanger. Turning my head to the side, I found a missing sock underneath my hanging pants. It would have to wait. I was too hung over to reach it. I saw the digital clock on the other side of the room and realized I had slept until after noon.I stumbled downstairs to get something to eat, hoping it would take the edge off of the nausea that was chastising me for drinking too much the night before. Being the textbook bachelor, I should have not been surprised when I opened the refrigerator to only find a 12 pack of light beer, a
slice of cheese, a slice of seedless watermelon, an out of date pack of bratwurst, a opened can of Mandarin orange segments, some eggs and half of a caramel apple. The thought of eating scrambled eggs turned my stomach so I gave up on the idea of eating anything. I saw a trail of ants leading into the"What the hell?" I pondered, looking at the
grass stains on my pants and my dirty feet. "I just have to remember what happened last night."Back inside, I stared at myself in the mirror and noticed a piece of
lint in my belly button. I picked it out. Then I brushed my teeth, trying desperately to get rid of the hangover fuzzy teeth and bad breath. I put on some women’s deodorant, don’t laugh, I have allergies and can’t use the men’s stuff.So back to last night. What exactly had happened? It all started out innocently enough. I had gone to drop off a package at the
Fedex box when I ran into a buddy of mine. That’s right! I remember him inviting me to a party. I followed him there and as soon as we walked in, we were warmly greeted. Someone instantly put a 16 ounce red plastic cup into my hand. It was a cozy little condo and full of revelers. I could tell the place was owned by a fellow bachelor because no woman would allow the interior decoration to include a lava lamp and a big ugly fish mounted on the wall.It’s coming back to me now. I had had a few drinks, I don’t even remember what they were. Then I saw her. Sitting by the bar with her long slinky legs dangling from the stool. She had a faux leopard scarfthat caught my eye. I was feeling full of liquid courage and sauntered over to her.
"When they have
psychic fairs, do they have to bother with sending out invitations or does everyone just know to show up?" I asked as I sat in the empty stool next to her."I just KNEW you were going to come over here and say that," she quipped back in a dry tone.
We continued on with our small talk. I asked her about herself and we went from there. I knew things were going good when she opened her
purse that was sitting on her lap and put on some lip gloss. I suggested we go somewhere more comfortable so we moved over to a sofa, next to an odd lamp made out of a TV antenna and olive oil cap. I had to move a paper plate for her to sit, feeling like a gentleman. A ceiling fan kept us cool as she told me how she is a civil engineer that designs levees. I tried to feign fascination. After several drinks, we were both feeling amorous.I knew I was going to "get lucky" when she leaned over to ask me, in a whisper, if I had ever gotten a "
hoody". I wasn’t sure what the hell that was but figured it couldn’t be bad. I couldn’t get us back to my place fast enough. She had a rental car, since she was from out of town and I couldn’t get the damn key to work, so we walked back to my place instead. We took a short cut through the park, passing the swings and some old slides.Back at my place, I quickly got her into my bedroom. We made out passionately, with our hands rubbing all over each other. She smelled fantastic! Ready to make my move, I slid my handunder her waist band and towards paradise. Instead, I found……her……MANHOOD????? Oh god! I should have done the "dundee check" first! I jumped up from the bed, tripped on a
plastic box and went up into the air. The fall must have knocked out my loose crown and knocked me unconscious.The only problem now? I wonder what happened from the time I got knocked out until I woke up the next morning and he/she was gone!
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You overachiever!
Impressive.
tara :) -
oh my goodness..you are smart, creative and talented!
Gem :-) -
LOL, I guess I'm gonna have to look at Mrs L's journal to understand this!
~ www.jerseygirljournal.com -
AWESOME!!!!!! Very creative!!! Kept me intrigued! Great talent there Chris!
Hmmmm that would be a cool weekly do dad thingy to do....(say that 5 times fast!) a list of twenty words and everyone write a short essay around them. Hmmm sounds kinda fun!
9/28/05 8:22 PM
http://journals.aol.com/lisit