Hollywood - my life

12:31:59 PM EDT
Feeling Ecstatic
 


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12:18:40 PM EDT
Feeling Flirtatious


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4:24:50 PM EDT
Feeling Anxious


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12:03:51 PM EDT
Feeling Happy

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:  'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
 
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
 
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get
out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!
 
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
 
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
 
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).
 
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
 
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
 
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted.
 
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...
OK, back to normal.
 
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
 
 
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
 
 
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch...
   
I am touching wax!!
   
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
   
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
   
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?
   
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
   
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
   
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
   
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
   
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
   
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
   
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
   
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
   
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and... OH MY
GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!'
   
'It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!
   
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
   
Next week I'm going to try hair color...... 

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12:32:58 PM EST

This is too funny.  

This is an ACTUAL letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

She really gets rolling after the first paragraph…

Dear Mr. Thatcher:

I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi-pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak-Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flex-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can' t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words, "Have a Happy Period."

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness — actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well…did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi-pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong," or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending hogwash! And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best Webmail-award-winning letter.

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10:49:33 AM EST
Feeling Happy

Hi there! I can't believe that it is already February 13th!! :-) Can you believe it?  Me either!!  Have you made Valentine's plans for your sweetie? for your mom? friend? etc.

I must say that I'm excited about Valentine's.  Not excited like I'm going to jump up and down with glee but just excited to see what Eric has instore for me and hoping that he really likes what I've done for him.  I love special secrets like this that are small but sweet.  - :-)

***What I came here to talk about*** You must see, FACING THE GIANTS.  It really is a great, awesome, fantastic message.  Here is the synopiss:

A failing high-school football coach finds that in order to succeed he must convince his team that there's more to sports than fame and glory in an inspirational tale of courage on the gridiron and the power of God's word. Grant Taylor (Alex Kendrick) has been coaching the Shiloh Eagles for six years, and he has yet to realize his dream of a winning season. When the team's star player transfers schools, the first three games of the new season show no promise for improvement, troubles at home begin to take their toll, and a plot among the player's fathers to have him fired finds his future in football looking bleak, Coach Taylor is faced with the prospect of either cutting his losses and admitting defeat or turning his life over to God in an attempt to test the true power of faith. With his job on the line and nothing left to lose, Coach Taylor convinces his determined team of underdogs that there's nothing they can't accomplish with a little faith -- including the miracle of a winning season when all hope seems lost. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide

I want you to know that it is a good movie! :-) Watch it.

In other news . . . Life is good.  I'm 23 weeks along and feeling great.  Eric and I are so very excited and the doctors say that it's a boy.  We have decided on the name Jake - so far. :-)

I gotta go - the phone is ringing off the hook here at work.

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7:06:11 PM EST
Feeling Happy

My GREAT friend Erin did a blog entry for her year in review and I thought I would do the same thing!! 

JANUARY started with family in Colorado. We celebrated New Years with my dad and mom in Pagosa and then got back into the routine of work and home.  I remember just thinking. . . gosh, it's gonna be awhile to look forward to anything but work. kinda in the blah's.

FEBRUARY came in and Eric and I celebrated Valentines!  At work, (our family business) We opened our Oklahoma branch in February.  It was a huge step and very exciting.

In MARCH, we celebrated my mom's 46th Birthday.  I truly don't remember a whole lot about March.  I remember Eric and I talking about having a baby.

In APRIL I found out I was pregnant and Eric and I were ecstatic!  We were incredibly naive and walked on the clouds. 

MAY started out great but I soon found out that I had miscarried.  I was incredibly heart broken.  Almost everyone in our family is born in May!! Eric's 29th Birthday!!  We celebrated a lot of birthdays and my sister, Sarah, gave birth to my first niece.  Gracie Beth.  (I love her so much!)

In JUNE - Eric and I were excited about planning our 3rd anniversary.  On June 11th (the day before our anniversary)  I was shopping for Eric's anniversary present and I was in pain.  Cramping a lot!  I went to the dr. and was admitted into the hospital.  I had to stay over night and they had to schedule a D&C to take place on our anniversary.  The dr. thought that I would just "pass" our miscarriage but I didn't.  It was really hard and I was very angry. . . looking back. . it was hurt.  - Looking back, I realize I have grown so much and I'm not hurt or angry anymore.  I know that God has a plan and that there were reasons why.  I am so blessed to have the opportunity to reach out to other women that have gone through the same things.

In JULY we celebrated 4th of July! I remember it being very HOT!

Then it was AUGUST…our family came back to Pagosa and we enjoyed a week of rest and relaxation! Eric and I also sold our house and bought a new house!!

SEPTEMBER came and Eric and I were settling into our new home.  We tossed around the idea of adding on to our new home. - Also - Eric fished a lot in our little pond. 

In OCTOBER Eric and I hired a builder and we are still in the process of adding on.  We celebrated my 26th Birthday. We also found out that we are pregnant!!

In NOVEMBER we hosted our very first family Thanksgiving and everyone on both sides showed up.  We were thrilled!!

DECEMBER came and it was incredibly busy with shopping and get togethers.  We had a wonderful Christmas and then came to Pagosa for another week of rest and relaxation.  Our Semi-annual Pagosa week (about every 6mths.) is one of our greatest treats!!

Now we are on the very first day of January and so far it's been great.  I look forward to this year.  Eric and I have a lot of changes to look forward to with a new baby coming in June.  I am now 17 weeks and counting. :-)

Permian Power Tong, Inc. is doing AWESOME! and I love going to work.  - My family (both sides) are all doing fantastic.  We are extremely blessed and are looking forward to an exciting upcoming year. 

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1:01:27 PM EST
Feeling Happy

OFFICE OF THE NORTH POLE – INTEROFFICE MEMO

From:  Holly  - Chief Elf
To:      S. Claus, Chief Christmas Guy
___________________________________________________________

Santa:

I want to let you know what is going on with the Lemons Family.  I realize that you are very busy and that these memo’s help you keep up with your friends and even family. 

 

Mom and Dad (Curt & Liz) are extremely blessed.  They have been very busy keeping up with Permian Power Tong, Inc.  As you know they have a West Texas Division in Odessa and a Rocky Mountain Region in Farmington, New Mexico.  *(drum roll please)* They are proud to announce that they have opened up a Mid Continent Division in Woodward, Oklahoma!  - We are all very excited about this!!

Other than work, mom and dad have been playing with Hannah and their new grandbaby Gracie.  As you know, My dad loves children and he has not only stepped into “papa-mode” but he has become everyone’s “papa”.  He is so good at giving and he loves to buy gifts for Hannah and Gracie and if there’s another child around, he will buy them one too.  It’s so sweet.  I know he will be so embarrassed that I’m telling you this, but I am so blessed by watching him.  He’s definitely been bitten by the love bug.  He loves everyone!

 

Alongside work, mom burns up the road driving to wherever dad is working.  Other than working and keeping up with dad, mom has gotten really good at golf! And she loves it!  My grandma (her mom) and mom are always on the green.  J

 

Eric & I are also doing very well.  We have had a lot going on this year!  We have bought a new house and we are expecting our first child.  I am still working at Permian Power Tong, Inc. and really enjoy what I do.

 

Eric is doing well and also loves his job.  Eric is working for the Ector County Attorney, Cathy Linch as an investigator.  As a matter of fact, Cathy is up for reelection this year and if you and Mrs. Claus are in Ector County during voting season, I plead with you to please VOTE for Cathy Linch so that Eric can continue to work and enjoy his job!!!

 

Sarah and Joey are doing GREAT!! I’m so excited to tell you the Big News!! Joey is now Dr. Joseph C. Morgan.  Not only is he now Dr. Morgan but he has also been offered a job. (the very job that he & Sarah wanted!!!)  He graduates from Podiatric Medical School this spring and will be working as a Podiatrist in Greenville, Texas. 

 

Sarah is doing wonderful also.  She is so thrilled that they will be in the state of Texas, as are mom and dad!! (that means they will see Gracie more.)  Sarah had Gracie this last May and Gracie is growing like a weed!!

 

Katy is engaged! She is engaged to Dustin Bownds and will be married on August 8, 2008!  Katy will also be graduating from University of Texas of the Permian Basin in May of 2008 with her Bachelors Degree.<SPANSTYLE="MSO-SPACERUN: yes?> 

Dustin is a wonderful man!  He not only treats Katy like the princess that she is, he works as a Fireman in Odessa but also works at Permian Power Tong, Inc.  Heis quickly becoming the right hand man for mom in the West Texas Office and doing a fantastic job. 

 

Ms. Hannah.  She is funny and smart.  She is now in 2nd grade and LOVES to read.  She enjoys playing golf with mom and Grandma and hanging out with her sisters. 

 

Santa & Friends, it was my pleasure to update you on the Lemons Family.  I hope that this memo finds you and your family happy, healthy & prosperous.

 

Your Hard Working Chief Elf,

Holly

Tags: 2007 Lemons Christmas Letter

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4:15:37 PM EDT

I just couldn't resist! I read these over at Katie's Journal and just had to copy and paste so that we could all laugh and enjoy these!!

 

These are original and genuine...no adult could be this creative!!
 
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
 
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties--mine say five to six." 
 
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
 
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?
 
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
 
D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
 
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
 
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"
 
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

 TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
 
I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday
sermon...."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
 
The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed!

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11:50:32 AM EDT

 

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