CoolerHeads Present: This Week in the National Enquirer

NationalEnquirer.com

In which we read everyone's favorite sometimes-dishonest tabloid cover-to-cover and tell you what it's claiming this week--so that you can save your money for more respectable publications like Star and USWeekly. Happy Friday!

Our Top Three Favorite Stories:

Headline: NO WONDER SHE'S EXHAUSTED!

The Dirt: Lindsay dropped her glasses in a lake on the set of 'Georgia Rule,' and then stopped production until the producers promised to have someone fish them out for her. Also, photographic evidence builds the case for her never actually going to work.
Best Line: "Bring me a scuba diver!"
Unspoken Implications: Lindsay is an a**hole. And she never works.
Estimated Percentage Truth: 78%

#2

Headline: BOOZING OPRAH IS THE TOAST OF THE PARTY
The Dirt: Oprah got trashed at a birthday party! I On champagne! In the middle of the day!
Best Line: "While many at the July 26 party ordered fish or salads, Oprah enjoyed a big steak and a baked potato."
Unspoken Implications: Oprah's fat.
Estimated Percentage Truth: 99% (And all those details about the waiters imitating her requests for more champagne are worth the price of the magazine.)

#3
Headline: MARIE OSMOND SUICIDE ATTEMPT!

The Dirt: Marie scrawls a suicide note with lipstick on the bathroom counter and then ODs on prescription drugs while her kids, who have driven her to the point of despair with their underage drinking and sexual MySpace pages, sit unaware in a different part of the house.
Best Line: "The performer had taken a bottle of Adderall, a medication used to combat Attention Deficit Dorsorder, and a bottle of Klonopin,an anti-anxiety drug."
Unspoken Implications: Marie's kids are so oblivious to their mother's pain that they wouldn't have even noticed if she'd died in the bathroom.

Estimated Percentage Truth: 85%

Honorable Mention:
Headline: Skinny Kirstie has a HEFTY ATTITUDE
Puns Relating to Obesity: 4
Unspoken Implications: Hahahahaha. Kirstie's huuuungry.

Headline: BRINKLEY'S DIVORCE BOMBSHELL
Bombshells Revealed: 0

Repetitions of Phrase "Pillow Talk": 5

Written by thecoolerblog Blog about this entry

This entry has 9 comments: (Add your own)

#9 Comment from spoiledcutie2587
8/11/06 1:27 AM | Permalink

National Enquirer does nothing but lie. About the only thing out thier you can beleive is people magazine
#8 Comment from booking09
8/9/06 10:52 PM | Permalink

something big is going to happen i hope the usa is ready for it i think iran is behind this all the way i hope us is ready for it maybe on 8-22 this war in lebanon is just a ploy for what will happen please be ready dont get caught with our pants down remember these people hate the us and want to kill us we need to take out iran while were their now not have to deal with them latter down the road when they have nuclar arms to destroy all of us do it now and i mean right now
#7 Comment from neverhappy31
8/9/06 4:50 AM | Permalink

How much more talk can there be about Mel Gibson? Don't you people have lives of your own? I cannot believe that people care what he said. Drunk behind the wheel is anothe story. He could have killed or injured someone.
#6 Comment from laughsatourplans
8/7/06 3:00 PM | Permalink

In several passages, the Bible refers to the tribulation as a time of trouble for the Jews. The phrase "Jacob's trouble" pertains to the descendants of Jacob. Jeremiah 30:7 says that this time of trouble will come just before the Lord returns to save His people.
#5 Comment from mmsspelon
8/6/06 9:24 PM | Permalink

I'ts true, If you have never been racists,if you don't have a hidden sin,if you never had racist thoughts in your mind,and your perfect ,then go on and judge Mel. Hypocrits

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CoolerHeads Present: This Week in the National Enquirer