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1:34:00 PM EDT
GGG 8.11.06
GirlGoneLeBron: What if a certain sexy-new-father Hollywood actor asked us what to do about his ex-wife’s wedding?
GirlGoneGrady: Never going to happen.
GirlGoneGrady: But if it did, this is how it would go.
Dear Girls,
My ex-wife is getting married again. Her publicist denies it, but I know the truth. We had him deny it right up until we got married, so I’m inclined to believe that tabloid, although I hate tabloids. The thing is I don’t want her to get married. I don’t want her with me anymore, but I don’t want anyone else to have her either. I’d rather keep her locked up in a room where I can monitor her 24 hours a day on my extensive security system. That would make me happy.
Signed,
Desperately Seeking Rachel
Dear DSR,
Although that sounds a little creepy, we are here to help. (But we’ll deny any involvement if things get ugly.) It’s simple really, you’re going to have to crash the wedding and steal her away. Taking cues from her current husband to be, of course. First, you’re not going to want to let your girlfriend know what you’re up to. (We hear she can be quite a b***h.) Tell her that there are re-shoots of your movie and remember to have Dr. Ross cover for you. Watch out for her spies though, but you played a CIA agent once, evading them should not be difficult. Your famous face will make you all too recognizable at the wedding. Either your mother or sister (who have been invited) will have to smuggle you in via their purse. (Trying asking Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen where they get their oversized bags.) Once you’ve gained entrance you won’t have much time. Unless you have a disguise someone will notice you. Therefore it is imperative that you locate the bride as quickly as possible. You might have to try a few things to win her back. Run up to her screaming "You've been Punk'd" while laughing hysterically and saying the whole break-up-divorce-baby thing was a joke. (This might work better if Ashton Kutcher is with you.) If that doesn't win her heart, explain to her while breaking into tears (you can do it, you are an actor) that the two of you were on a break and that you've made mistakes but you'd liked to try again. She'll get off the plane for that one. We know we would. If this reasoning fails, show your abs and flash a quick smile. Undoubtedly she will fall right into your arms. Just as a recap:
The Rules of Wedding Crashing For Exes
1. Always leave your current girlfriend behind.
2. Never show your face. Bring a purse big enough to hide in.
3. When crashing an ex’s wedding, keep emotions running high.
4. The Ashton Kutcher Punk'd excuse usually works best. But there are other ways.
5. Use bad lines from her old TV show to win her heart once more.
6. When #4 doesn’t work, resort to your more physically appealing qualities.
After you got her though, what you do with her is your business alone. In fact, we don’t want to know. So good luck! (We think.)
Love,
The Girls
(Photo Credit: Getty Images)
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Wow, there is definitely a woman out there for you, it is just that maybe her name isn't Rachel. I mean, yeah, locked in a room with surveillance cams, maybe a little bondage thing going on. Could be a good time.
You need a woman who is totally into D/s relationships.
There is loads of insight into just such releationship inside my latest novel:
Sacred Secrets
www.roxyharte.com -
Vince Vaughn is way hot...very manly, tall, good looking, hysterically funny. Jen has upgraded big time.
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that was just plain stupid
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this was totally assinine!
8/14/06 2:22 PM