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6:01:00 PM EDT
G.G.G. 8.16.06
GirlGoneLeBron: This week we thought we’re try something new.
GirlGoneGrady: Yeah, too many celebrities really need our help.
GirlGoneLeBron: So here’s a collective letter to the stars.
GirlGoneGrady: You know who it’s for.
Dear Hollywood Celebrities,
It’s time for you to listen to our advice. We’ve tried to offer our guidance to many of you in the past, but you wouldn’t listen. Now we’re trying again, in hopes that this time you will take us more seriously. The past few months have been excruciating for us. We’ve sat and watched all of your once great careers deteriorate into a life only worthy of a mention in gossip blogs. Through unplanned pregnancies, multiple DUIs, underage drinking, and fake baby conspiracies, we just can’t take it anymore. Remember the good times, when you did it again, couldn’t handle the truth, saw dead people, fought for freedom, and were a really really mean girl? Remember? You didn’t wait for your lives to be over. But now you’ve gotten so full of your own crap that you think you are invincible. But you’re not. You’re getting paid less, having trouble finding someone to distribute your movies, getting letters from executives about partying, falling under brainwashing spells, having eight thousand babies one right after another and even not taking puberty too well. (It’s like the whole Jonathan Lipnicki thing. Really cute when you’re young, not so cute when you’re older. Although we can’t really do anything to help you with that. But we’re getting off track.) Here are some suggestions that we thought would work well. Many are specific; others general, but we think anyone who lives by our rules will make it anywhere.
Rules to Successfully Maintaining Your High Power Celebrity Status
1. Condoms, Condoms, Condoms. (Good for keeping away gold-digging Z-listers and multiple pregnancies that take you away from your career.)
2. Drugs of Any Kind + Driving = A Big No No (Besides, don’t you have a driver?)
3. Never take naked pictures with your mother. (It just seems very white-trashy.)
4. Don’t get caught drinking underage. (Everyone does it but no one talks about it.)
5. Don’t create a baby to prove you’re a man. (It doesn’t work.)
6. Don’t let your fiancé fake a baby with you. (It’s extremely pathetic.)
7. Refrain from furniture acrobatics. (For old time’s sake.)
8. Don’t get caught with drugs in your possession. (Other people’s possession? Fair game.)
9. If you find yourself in a scandal, late night talk shows are the best place to ask for forgiveness. (It worked for Hugh Grant.)
10. When all else fails, retreat into a Howard-Hughes-esque hermit state and finish your life veiled in mystery, hoping people remember you well. (Maybe someone will even get an Oscar nom for playing you in the biopic.)
We want you all to get back on your feet career-wise. Seriously. You are all talented, award-winning celebrities. We’re sick and tired of talentless-hacks becoming celebrities because they were on some reality show, or starred in badly made porno. We want our real stars back. Please.
Love,
The Girls
(Photo Credits: Getty Images)
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Stop bashing Tom Cruise. If you do one-tenth as much in your life, and make one-tenth of the world happy, and spend one-tenth of the money to help others, you will be one-tenth of the person that Tom Cruise is. Shame on slackers who are haters.
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I personally think you girls are right on. Why is it that actors and actresses think that they have it so good that they have the right to break the law NUMEROUS times. Dont they realize that they chose the position they are in? I mean thousands of people look up to these selfish spoiled brats and idolize them. Ridiculous as that seems. I do however have to say I disagree about Britany.. wuit frankly I am sick to death of seeing that has-been in the tabloids. I mean COME ON! She is a 6 yrs ago was cool pop-star that doesnt know how to put a kid in a carseat and gets pregnant to save her marriage. PATHETIC! As for the rest of the (with the exception of Katy Holmes who never really had a great career in the first place) your right they are awesome actor/actresses and I would love for them to find either God or a good rehab and get there lives together!
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I agree sept for with britney spears and lindsey lohan because 1st thing how in the world is lindsay messing up her career when she hasn't even done anything?.
2nd thing shut up about britney, so what she had a "COUPLE" kids with her "HUSBAND" not "BOYFRIEND" but "HUSBAND" shes a grown woman, who cares?, she'll make her comeback after this second child which i can't wait for, because i'm into things like hip hop, R&B and maybe jazz and shes the only pop singer i like & i heard shes gonna be doing a more R&B feel to this!.
8/23/06 9:16 AM