K-Fed: Masterpiece Theater

Don't understand what Kevin Federline is saying? Keeping with tradition, we here at The Cooler are going to break down 'Lose Control' in the style of 'Masterpiece Theater,' since Kevin only deserves the finest in life. Here's some choice 'Control' lyrics that we've transcoded into proper English:

-- "Valet your whip, grab your chick, you know how it goes."

Please allow our staff to park your vehicle, and be sure to bring your female partner with you, as you are surely informed as to how things proceed.

-- "Step up in the club so fresh and clean/Never been the outcast they label me"

When Kevin Federline fancies a jaunt to the disco, you can guarantee he is showered and has applied antipersperant/Look, Britney, I made a play on words with the OutKast song, 'So Fresh, So Clean'

-- "Let me take you back to 5 o'clock when I drove the Lamborghini off the block/but not before I made them chop the top and throw some twenty twos on them socks"

Earlier this evening, at five hours past noon, I drove my finely-crafted Italian sportscar away from my domicile. However, before said journey, I made it imperative that the automotive specialists customized my vehicle to be a convertible, and also apply rims measuring 22-inches in diameter.

-- "A lifestyle of rich living and fast cars/Don't hate cause I'm a superstar"

My daily life includes activities mostly known to the wealthy percentage of the population, and I would most appreciate it if you did not garner any ill will toward me simply because my wife gave me said money.

-- "Never been to Denver, but I rock them nuggets/One earring costs more than your budget"

Unfortunately, Kevin Federline has never taken a holiday in the fine capital of Colorado, yet he still wears oversized diamond earrings (genius wordplay # 2)/ One of my accessories inserted through my earlobe was appraised and is said to exceed your annual spending.

-- "I ain't here to brag, i'm just here to pop tags"

Please understand, Kevin Federline is not one to show conceit or boast, he's simply performing in order to earn more wages, which will in turn fund his penchant for buying new clothing.

-- "Look man, I'm in a whole 'nother tax bracket/It don't matter what you blow, boy, you can't match it"

Observe, good sir, as Kevin Federline's W2 for the year of 2005 was filed to the IRS and he benefitted from George W. Bush's tax cuts for the extremely wealthy/ No matter what female pop singer you marry, you shall never accrue the wealth that Kevin Federline has from his nuptials to Britney Spears.

-- "I take care of my own, that's my family/Magazines talk s--- cause they don't understand me"

Kevin Federline's hip-hop friends are well compensated, yet his litter of children may or may not also receive the same benefits/ Publications often run disparaging remarks regarding Kevin Federline's posture, musical abilities, sexual potency and so forth, but fret not ... they simply do not grasp the true inner beauty that is Kevin Federline.

(Photos: AP)

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This entry has 311 comments: (Add your own)

#311 Comment from nyghtvamp69
9/18/06 3:52 PM | Permalink

HAHAHAHAHAHA THIS CRACKED ME UP
#310 Comment from theenygmax
9/13/06 5:14 PM | Permalink

K-Fed, from all of us, to you..........

YOU SUCK!, ya jackass!
#309 Comment from larsonsat
9/13/06 6:23 AM | Permalink

I know notning about KFed - this was my first visit to see him, and it is definitely my last! He hangs on the coat tails of the finest (and I don' t even like RAP) rappers and does a poor job. Give it up Kevin. Stay home and be a good daddy to your children - in whichever home you are allowed.
#308 Comment from lilswtblonde05
9/13/06 3:09 AM | Permalink

Honestly.. WHy dont u guys just leave him alone.. & brittany too.. Just let them have their lives.. obviously u guys dont have one either.. I really dont belive its as bad as everyone is saying.. How would u like it if people were always bashing you.. Just bc u were happy.. GROW UP!
#307 Comment from luvmbj
9/12/06 10:25 PM | Permalink

Its a shame..really... By using Britney to "TRY" to become a rapper not only did he make himself a big joke....He made Britney one too. If he really cared about her he would not have jeopardized her career. She was so successful and she gave it all up for him. I hope he was worth it. It will be hard for her to make a come back with that person hanging on to her trying to use any ounce of success she may have for his own personal gain.

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K-Fed: Masterpiece Theater