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120 Questions for... George Saunders - Pt. 2
Any notable personage can answer twenty questions -- even Liza Minelli. But only the exceptional ones can tackle more; like, six times more. Here at The Feed, it's not about harvesting the thoughts of interesting people; it's about finding out how long they can tolerate One Hundred and Twenty Questions. You're probably thinking to yourself: This is going to be better than any reality TV show or James Lipton interview ever. And, you're absolutely right.
We are proud and lucky to have George Saunders, author of some of our favorite writings, like his latest: In Persuasion Nation. Mr. Saunders is one of the smartest and funniest guys on the planet. He publishes in the fancy-pants publications like the New Yorker and was recently interviewed in the New York Times (where they only asked him like 11 questions or so.) He survived the first 21 questions (Read the first batch, again and again and again only because it's vital to reading this next batch). Let's see how much more he can take. (Doesn't exchange this remind you of Rocky vs. Clubber Lang? Or, Ross Perot vs. Paula Abdul?)
22. If you had to eliminate a disease, what would it be?
Oh. Ha ha! Okay. So you’re back? Super. Excellent. Let me just….okay.
23. How about
something refreshing?
Wait – I didn’t get to the last one, about…about the disease or whatever? Can you slow down just a little—
24. Have you ever been suckered by an advertisement?
These are
coming pretty fast now, and I’m not trying to complain but—
Hang on,
hang on. Uh, yes. To that last, uh, appliance one? Sometimes I just return the appliance and
keep the instructions and read them, for pleasure. Or I build an appliance from scratch, using
just the instructions. Or once I built
some instructions from scratch, using the appliance, but that was hard, lots of
papercuts…
Okay and,
as far as the advertisements, getting suckered etc --No, never.
They have always been right on the money and I have always found the
results of my purchases super-satisfying.
And no
thanks on the something refreshing and if I had to eliminate a disease I would
have to say constipation. No, wait – is
that a disease? Probably not. Although sometimes it sure feels like
one! How about cancer? I would say I would eliminate cancer. Or – I’m not sure of the rules here – how
about cancer AND constipation? And
scurvy. Also rabies. Is “having singed fingertips” a disease? Is there a limit--
26. Do you believe in miracles?
It would be a miracle if you would slow the hell down on the rate of questioning, and, at the same time, do me the favor of eliminating all the diseases in the world. I mean, why scrimp? If you can do it, why not do it? Or are you just talking a big game? Are you just asking these questions without any intention of making good on the promises you --
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27. Can I have that?See, I’m starting to think these questions are being generated by one of those like Computer Psychiatrist deals. Like a random word generator, right? “Can I have that?” “Where’s the beef?” “Are you eating that?” “Green or Purple?” “When was the last time you had a steaming hot bowl of Wolf Brand Chili?”
28. When was the last time you had a steaming hot bowl of Wolf Brand Chili?
Huh.
Or actually….maybe the Random Question Generator somehow apes the last thing you wrote, or somehow mimics the words used in, and the syntax of, the last sentence you’ve written—
29. What's the best first sentence ever written?
Interesting.
But there’s another flavor to some of these questions too…almost like the Computer Psychiatrist has a kind of built-in Slightly Out of Fashion Cliché Generator, and periodically just spits out some--
30. Are you ready to rock?
There you go.
Hey, I know! Maybe I can use my new knowledge to force the AOL Guy to compliment my writing, thus selling more books. I can trick him into saying something really positive and quotable, and then, when the paperback comes out, we’ll put the quote on the cover, with “AOL” as the identifier. Let’s see….MOST POWERFUL SATIRE BEING WRITTEN TODAY BY AN ALMOST INSANELY WELL-ENDOWED KINDLY HUMANITARIAN EVERY HOLLYWOOD MOVIE GODDESS SECRETLY CRAVES IN PRIVACY OF OWN HOME!
31. Quick: Favorite ice cream flavor?
Hmm.
A VISION UNSURPASSED BY ANY, IN TERMS OF THE DARK DYSTOPIC FURY OF THE SPECTACULAR FOCUS HE HAS!
------------------------------------------------------------------Buy: PASTORALIA | THE BRIEF AND FRIGHTENING REIGN OF PHIL
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32.
They're out of that. What's your next favorite?
Vanilla.
33. Where do you get your ideas?
Same place you do: Random Idea Generator.
34. Why do you write?
To afford myself the opportunity of kneeling before the AOL God.
35. What did you write, again?Correction: The “passive-aggressive AOL God.”
36. Quick: Favorite song of the nineties?
“Forsooth Though We Dally, World War I is Yet Twenty-Five Years In the Future.”
37. If you auditioned for American Idol, which song would you sing?That one Queen song, “Please Kick Me Off Right Away, You Self-Obsessed Trio of Mean People Who Aren’t All That Talented Yourselves.”
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Buy: IN PERSUASION NATION | CIVILWARLAND IN BAD DECLINE
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38. What 'dream book' do you one day hope to write?
“Pinned Down By a Disembodied Voice: A Memoir of the AOL One-Hundred-Twenty Question Years.”
39. Who's your daddy?
Are you ready to rock?
40. Mini-Kiss or Tiny Kiss?Depends on the size of the person I’m kissing. Sometimes I might even opt for the MondoKiss if, for example, I am kissing Kate Smith. Remember Kate Smith? God, I do. I remember us MondoKissing on VJ-Day, out in Times Square, as she was singing “God Bless America.” Interesting kiss!
41. Which Chupacabra do you fear most?The Puerto Rican variety, or the Mexican?
I wouldn’t say I really fear it. It does give me some gas afterward. That is why I usually just opt for the Burrito Supreme, without onions.
42. What do you have in common with Carmelo Anthony?
God’s City: Syracuse, New York.
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Buy: PASTORALIA | THE BRIEF AND FRIGHTENING REIGN OF PHIL
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43. Did Oswald act alone?
Only in his solo show, “I Really Love Things Russian.” Otherwise he was more of an ensemble guy. I did some research on this when I was writing my novel “Scorpio.” Apparently he was a riot in “The Odd Couple,” where he played the sort of fem, fastidious assassin, vs the sloppy murderous playboy, played by John Wilkes Booth.
44. What do you think of the designated hitter rule?
It always worked for me when I was a kid. That way, you knew which way to flinch, and when. I remember my sophomore year, my Designated Hitter was my Uncle Gabe. Which was super, because he lived out in Ohio. So I’d do something bad – like once Kate Smith and I got caught MondoKissing while she sang, “Thanks for the Memories,” – and because my designated hitter was in Ohio, I knew I had a few days to get ready, do some practice flinching etc, while Uncle Gabe drove in from Ohio. Then he got to our house, hit me, took off again. And – such is youth – Kate and I just went back to MondoKissing.
Sometimes just to mess with Uncle Gabe, though, I’d wait until he was well on his way back to Ohio, then quickly do something else wrong, so he’d have to turn right around and come back.
45. How do you drink your coffee?
Come back in a few days to see how Saunders drinks his coffee (God! Who doesn't want to know that?!!?).In the meantime. Buy his books, join his Army and reread this several times.
- More on George Saunders
- Buy IN PERSUASION NATION
- Buy CIVILWARLAND IN BAD DECLINE
- Buy PASTORALIA
- Buy THE BRIEF AND FRIGHTENING REIGN OF PHIL
- Enter the George Saunders PHOTO CHALLENGE: Bring IT!
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5/1/06 1:49 PM