Minister of Culture | Fetch In Some Other Country!

-- M E M O R A N D U M --

To: Little Dogs
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: Because I Can

I hereby inform you that your services have been terminated.

During the past few weeks, while terminating Shriners and Renaissance Festivals from our cultural terrain, it suddenly occurred to me that actually, no, that was not a hedgehog.

The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from cute and furry uselessness.

(Getty)

Dogs -- allegedly the descendants of gray wolves who, 15,000 years ago, entered human villages offering companionship and protection in exchange for 42 kilos of premium-grade Hamburger Helper -- today are recognized as indispensable animal companions and instrumental controllers of the wild gerbil population. And while I can understand the desire to commiserate with a creature who doesn't really care what's happening on 'Lost', that doesn't mean we need to carry them around in Fendi Selleria Hobo Bags.

Now, listen. I realize that dogs have a cultural benefit. They provide endless amusement, for instance, and the opportunity to experience the sensation of walking around with bags of poop. But when you consider large specimens like the Great Pyrenees and the Bernese Mountain Dog and the sheer quantities of Spiced Rum they can haul to our sentries across the blustering Rockies, Little Dogs, I'm afraid, are nothing but a distortion of the valued services big and strong dogs provide.

I mean, can Papillons manage a herd of alpacas? No. Can Jack Russell Terriers retrieve 500 pen-raised Quail? Certainly not. And can a team of Bichon Frises pull the Veterans of Foreign Wars Ceremonial Sled in our Annual Winter Harvest Commencement? Believe me, we tried.

But, see, for too long have I stood by and watched Chihuahuas, West Highland Terriers and Pekingese flagrantly wallow in a life of shocking privilege; watched them lavished with pedicures, hot stone massages and complimentary Tarot readings; permitted to enter our Grand Hall of Statues and our Books-A-Millions while, outside, hardworking Akitas and Borzois are left to haul our lumber, pull our barges and, while on break, haphazardly mate.

The fallout from this termination will affect many parties. Preparations, however, have been made: For those who enjoyed Little Dog photos, the 2007 Spider Lamb Wall Calendar is now available.

And now, for those citizens who may have cared for a Little Dog, the following is a transcription of their Official Extradition Itinerary:

Lv: 09:00 -- General Bundchen National Airport (snack)
Arr: 00:00 -- Dollywood

On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, please stop looking at me like that.

Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture

WARNING: Hit Broadway Musicals, Midget Ponies, Hot Stone Massages, The Word of the Day, and Really Arrogant Turkeys: The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.

-- PREVIOUS MEMORANDUMS --

· It's Getting Olde: Renaissance Festivals
· Not Included in Our Future Plans: Shriners
· It's Checkout Time: All-Inclusive Resorts
· The End of Our Working Relationship: Cellular Headsets
· It's Been a Great Run: The 78th Annual Academy Awards
· Let's Circle Back and Regroup: Distressed Jeans
· We Need Our Space: Marriage Proposals
· You’re Scaring the Kids: Mariachi Bands
· Rethinking Our Strategy: Swag
· We're All Done Here: People-Skills Literature
· It's Time to Say When: Tim McGraw's Hat
· Let's Take It Down a Notch: Car Magnets
· You've Lost Me: Authentic NFL Player Jerseys
· It's Really For the Best: The Weather Channel
· Drink Up, It's Closing Time: Microbreweries
· We're Going In a New Direction: The Rolling Stones

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This entry has 3 comments: (Add your own)

#3 Comment from klmarkley
5/5/06 8:15 AM | Permalink

Little Dog=Arrogant and Entitled Demeanor
#2 Comment from jgoeth328
5/5/06 7:12 AM | Permalink

MINISTRY OF CULTURE? CUTE AND FURRY USELESSNESS? I'm disgusted that a man of this renowned title is extremely ignorant regarding the history and culture of small dogs. I'm sure the Minister has the time and computer access to research the origins and usefulness of the smaller breeds.

For example, Cairn Terriers are sound working animals and have a high intellect. Originating in the Scottish Highlands, the Cairn's quarry mainly consisted of otters, foxes, rats and other creatures that have underground lairs. In tackling animals as large as foxes or otters, one realizes that a terrier so small as the Cairn must be extraordinarily game, and abnormally strong for his size. Today, they mainly work on farms and as companion dogs for the elderly in nursing homes. Loyalty, courage, affection, tenacity and intelligence make them wonderful house pets.

Minister? Please take the time to research other small dog breeds before making a fool out of yourself. Or just keep quiet on subjects unbeknownst to you.
#1 Comment from kathrynlj
4/27/06 4:09 PM | Permalink

Get to know Corgis. In fact a Corgi would be the perfect dog for you.

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Minister of Culture | Fetch In Some Other Country!