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Minister of Culture | If Only I Had a Giant Microwave Oven
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Thursday, April 13, 2006
-- M E M O R A N D U M --
To: Marshmallow Peeps
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: Past the Point of Reconciliation
I hereby inform you that your product line been terminated.
With the approach of Easter, and the termination of Little Dogs from our cultural jurisdiction, it was brought to my attention that precious production hours are being dedicated to a food product that is pretty much not eaten.
But before you say, "Oh, it's just because you're heartless," or "Oh, it's just because you despise everything that's cute and lovable," please stop and realize that, you know, I can live with that.
The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from sugarcoated threats to society.
(Getty Images)
Developed in 1939 as the U.S. Government response to Germany's innovative Marshmallow Sasquatch, Marshmallow Peeps --a confection made from sugar, corn syrup and Shoe Goo -- are today celebrated as a dependable holiday garnish at many of our nation's finest assisted-living centers. And while I can understand the existing emotional connection pink baby roosters have with the coming of spring, I just need to say, I'm missing the emotional connection with the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.
In 469 B.C., Confucius wrote, "It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't start Krumping." Which hits me right here. But my point, in fact, is that a simple wave of ironic exaltation has wrongly inspired Marshmallow Peeps into cramming our participating area Dollar General Stores with such appendages as Peeps Spooky Cats, Peeps Angry Donkeys and Peeps Dog-Eating Owls. And not only that, but enlisting our finest chefs for such concoctions as Peeps Benedict, Peeps Wellington and General Peeps Chicken. See? Even the Inuit Eskimos are laughing at us.
And that's not all. While attempting to soothe our seasonal passions, Marshmallow Peeps have instead launched verifiable reveries of subconscious anger not seen since the 'Failure to Launch' trailer. Because on Monday morning, once again, I will walk out on my veranda to see our thoroughfares tarnished with -- that's right -- Peeps carnage.
Now, I can appreciate a measured amount of expressive antipathy (especially when it comes to Advice From Star Jones). But when I gaze upon our statues befouled with decapitated Peeps Lavender Bunnies, our memorials splattered with slingshotted Creme-Filled Peeps Yellow Chicks, and our Centennial Celebration Showboat Casinos literally oozing in catapulted gallons of blowtorched Peeps Chicks in Crispy Milk Chocolate Eggs, I become flabbergasted and disheartened to the point where this is what happens to my chin:
On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, tell me how I get this thing off the bottom of my shoe.
WARNING: Baseball Managers, Streaking Blowpipers, MTV's 'Date My Mom', Hobbit Rock and Krumping: The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.
-- PREVIOUS MEMORANDUMS --
· Because I Can: Little Dogs
· It's Getting Olde: Renaissance Festivals
· Not Included in Our Future Plans: Shriners
· It's Checkout Time: All-Inclusive Resorts
· The End of Our Working Relationship: Cellular Headsets
· It's Been a Great Run: The 78th Annual Academy Awards
· Let's Circle Back and Regroup: Distressed Jeans
· We Need Our Space: Marriage Proposals
· You’re Scaring the Kids: Mariachi Bands
· Rethinking Our Strategy: Swag
· We're All Done Here: People-Skills Literature
· It's Time to Say When: Tim McGraw's Hat
· Let's Take It Down a Notch: Car Magnets
· You've Lost Me: Authentic NFL Player Jerseys
· It's Really For the Best: The Weather Channel
· Drink Up, It's Closing Time: Microbreweries
· We're Going In a New Direction: The Rolling Stones
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Minister of Culture | If Only I Had a Giant Microwave Oven
-- M E M O R A N D U M --
To: Marshmallow Peeps
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: Past the Point of Reconciliation
I hereby inform you that your product line been terminated.
With the approach of Easter, and the termination of Little Dogs from our cultural jurisdiction, it was brought to my attention that precious production hours are being dedicated to a food product that is pretty much not eaten.
But before you say, "Oh, it's just because you're heartless," or "Oh, it's just because you despise everything that's cute and lovable," please stop and realize that, you know, I can live with that.
The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from sugarcoated threats to society.
(Getty Images)
Developed in 1939 as the U.S. Government response to Germany's innovative Marshmallow Sasquatch, Marshmallow Peeps --a confection made from sugar, corn syrup and Shoe Goo -- are today celebrated as a dependable holiday garnish at many of our nation's finest assisted-living centers. And while I can understand the existing emotional connection pink baby roosters have with the coming of spring, I just need to say, I'm missing the emotional connection with the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.
In 469 B.C., Confucius wrote, "It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't start Krumping." Which hits me right here. But my point, in fact, is that a simple wave of ironic exaltation has wrongly inspired Marshmallow Peeps into cramming our participating area Dollar General Stores with such appendages as Peeps Spooky Cats, Peeps Angry Donkeys and Peeps Dog-Eating Owls. And not only that, but enlisting our finest chefs for such concoctions as Peeps Benedict, Peeps Wellington and General Peeps Chicken. See? Even the Inuit Eskimos are laughing at us.
And that's not all. While attempting to soothe our seasonal passions, Marshmallow Peeps have instead launched verifiable reveries of subconscious anger not seen since the 'Failure to Launch' trailer. Because on Monday morning, once again, I will walk out on my veranda to see our thoroughfares tarnished with -- that's right -- Peeps carnage.
Now, I can appreciate a measured amount of expressive antipathy (especially when it comes to Advice From Star Jones). But when I gaze upon our statues befouled with decapitated Peeps Lavender Bunnies, our memorials splattered with slingshotted Creme-Filled Peeps Yellow Chicks, and our Centennial Celebration Showboat Casinos literally oozing in catapulted gallons of blowtorched Peeps Chicks in Crispy Milk Chocolate Eggs, I become flabbergasted and disheartened to the point where this is what happens to my chin:
On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, tell me how I get this thing off the bottom of my shoe.
WARNING: Baseball Managers, Streaking Blowpipers, MTV's 'Date My Mom', Hobbit Rock and Krumping: The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.
-- PREVIOUS MEMORANDUMS --
· Because I Can: Little Dogs
· It's Getting Olde: Renaissance Festivals
· Not Included in Our Future Plans: Shriners
· It's Checkout Time: All-Inclusive Resorts
· The End of Our Working Relationship: Cellular Headsets
· It's Been a Great Run: The 78th Annual Academy Awards
· Let's Circle Back and Regroup: Distressed Jeans
· We Need Our Space: Marriage Proposals
· You’re Scaring the Kids: Mariachi Bands
· Rethinking Our Strategy: Swag
· We're All Done Here: People-Skills Literature
· It's Time to Say When: Tim McGraw's Hat
· Let's Take It Down a Notch: Car Magnets
· You've Lost Me: Authentic NFL Player Jerseys
· It's Really For the Best: The Weather Channel
· Drink Up, It's Closing Time: Microbreweries
· We're Going In a New Direction: The Rolling Stones
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This entry has 4 comments: (Add your own)
-
I remember kids like you in school who usually had the distinction of being known as the in-house big mouth who later in life chose a field such as you did.
They never change! Still a big mouth but now with the power of the media behind them. Get a real life! You think people really read your "big mouth" print words? Maybe once but after that they usually find someone else to read. -
Peeps, a sign of Easter and a sugar rush.
-
And let's not forget the millions of hours of worker productivity lost due to microwave cleanup following the tedious and inevitable Blow-Up-the-Peep experiements.
Who wants hot marshmallow?
The B.o.B. That's who!
http://journals.aol.com/buzzlineeditor/THEBoBTheBlogofBuzzl ine/
4/17/06 7:24 AM
Thanks, Minister.
Peace,
Oslo