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The Award Goes To: Julia Roberts


(Getty Images)

This week, the lords of Suck have bestowed upon us a target so deserving, it was almost as if Julia Roberts took the role solely to win our world-famous award. This worked out well, since we're busy getting the wi-fi set up in our new Turkmenistan headquarters (who knew what value you can get here?), but it's tough to leave the sandy shores of Barcelona. The pierogies are just so good. But enough about us.

True artists are always on the prowl to branch out, seeking to further improve the craft they adore. Julia Roberts is not one of these artists.

You see, Julia Roberts tried to gain cred and chops by hitting the Broadway stage, a move that could have solidified her as a legitimate acting legend. Um: 'Mystic Pizza' anyone? 'Runaway Bride'? 'Oceans Twelve'? 'Conspiracy Theory'? 'Mona Lisa Smile'?

Her stab at live stardom may be bringing in huge buckets of Benjamins, but according to the critics, this 'Pretty Woman' player's stage presence is straight up ugly. Here's an amuse bouche tasting menu of some tasty Roberts reviews, beautifully compiled by Defamer:

"Two and a half hours of Julia Roberts. One hundred and fifty minutes of tedium...You would think she'd be able to handle a Southern accent, but her voice wanders all over the 48 contiguous states, sometimes within the same sentence." -- Boston Globe

"In her Broadway premiere, Julia Roberts is awkward and disappointing in a self-conscious performance that is merely a shadow of her confidence and charm on film." --AM New York

"Your heart goes out to her when she makes her entrance in the first act and freezes with the unyielding stiffness of an industrial lamppost, as if to move too much might invite falling." -- NY Times

"A major problem in this production is that there's no chemistry between Roberts and the men. "  -- NY Daily News

"HATED the play. To be sadly honest, even hated her... Why, for heaven's sake, did Julia Roberts, film star extraordinary and box-office attraction incredible, decide to make her professional stage debut ... in last night's half-baked, fully drenched revival of Richard Greenberg's 1997 play, "Three Days of Rain"?" -- NY Post

So, Julia Roberts, we salute your ambition, but you're now on the same list as Osama bin Laden.

Stop the Sucky Presses!

Today is a landmark in Sucks history for two reasons.


(Getty)

Scott McClellan
Firstly, we'd officially like to honorably discharge Scott McClellan from the Sucks to Be You catalog. This week, Scott liberated himself from the worst job on earth to pursue other likely-shady ventures, and we couldn't be happier for him. Now the next time Dick Cheney shoots a senior citizen in the face, he can kick back, relax, and enjoy it, because it no longer sucks to be him.

Suri Cruise
Secondly, today marks the first time in the Sucks era that an entire family has been awarded. That's right, it now officially sucks to be Suri Cruise, the possibly-alien offspring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. She's got Tom Cruise as a dad and will have hundreds of paparazzi chasing her and taking specimen samples of her diaper contents to see what she's been eating. Her life as of now will be a living nightmare,but at least it was quiet when she was born.

It Also Sucks to Be:


(Reuters)

The Gongers exacted some sweet revenge in a very public way. But that was just the beginning of your rough day in Washington.

"The visit began with a slight when the official announcer said the band would play the "national anthem of the Republic of China" -- the official name of Taiwan. It continued when Vice President Cheney donned sunglasses for the ceremony, and again when Hu, attempting to leave the stage via the wrong staircase, was yanked back by his jacket. Hu looked down at his sleeve to see the president of the United States tugging at it as if redirecting an errant child."

Perhaps sticking in Seattle, chilling with Gates would have made for a less sucky day.

(Getty)

Medical Marijuana Users
In a shocking and sucky move, the Feds ruled they didn't want people to use marijuana to help ease the enormous pain awful diseases impose on folks. Nice. But the FDA approved Vioxx, right?

(AP)

Chicago Cubs and Their Fans
Having your best player nearly destroyed isn't going to help lifting the suckiest curse in baseball. At least Mike Ditka isn't singing 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' this year. Or is he?

---------------------------------------

- Tom Cruise
- Ryan Seacrest
- Sharon Stone
- Paula Abdul
- St. Patty's Day Smorgasboard
-Ayla Brown
-Lachey/Alba
- Dunkleman
- Scott Stapp #2
- Sean P.Federline
- TheManning Brothers
- James Frey/Oprah
- Osama bin Laden
- Jennifer Aniston
- Nicole Richie
- Sucks Year End
- Suckiest Year Nominees
- FM radio/FCC
- Debbie Lafave
- Jessica Simpson
- Holiday Travelers Edition
- Donovan McNabb -- History Making Launch of STuBY

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• #36 Comment from tunadluna 
  4/26/06 12:03 AM | Permalink

  I'm quite sure that Julia Roberts has Post-Partum Depression. My husband and I are neutral about Julia Roberts professionally but because I/we went through/experienced the life-destroying effects of post-partum depression (aka post-natal depression) I feel compelled to type. You know the saying: It takes one to know one? Well, I know she's got it. She's got the look. Although I never felt anything for her before, I do now. Make no mistake: it is a devastating condition for the woman, the child/children, the family, the friends, and ultimately the rest of us. If you have no known experience with this insidious condition (and trust me, you wouldn't necessarily know because of the desperate cover-up of the suffering mother and father), please pause long enough to consider that maybe, just maybe, there is suffering out there that you (thankfully) cannot understand but deserves more than an instantaneous judgement. And, Julia, just in case you're reading (har-dee-har) you ain't the only one. 20 years later, I still have the question: Why? What is Nature's reason for this deep, life-destroying condition? If anyone knows, please let me know.
  
• #35 Comment from jimhb 
  4/25/06 12:32 PM | Permalink

  Hillary Clinton, by just wanting to run for President
  of the U.S. should make her a prime candidate for
  your sucks award.
• #34 Comment from cmaryjoann 
  4/24/06 11:37 PM | Permalink

  I usually don"t agree with anything the liberial press prints but this was FUNNY! We all need to laugh more and show some of that BS tolerance which is shown to everyone but Republicans.
  
• #33 Comment from pprw1739 
  4/24/06 10:07 PM | Permalink

  I have never seen this website before. I won't visit it again. Does it make you feel good about yourself to be so mean-spirited?
• #32 Comment from leeo7 
  4/24/06 6:42 PM | Permalink

  I pick Suri. Like Father like son.