Minister of Culture | That Thing Is Not On

-- M E M O R A N D U M --

To: Toastmasters International
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: Please Be Seated

I hereby inform you that your tax-exempt status has been terminated.

During the last few weeks, while serving termination papers to Marshmallow Peeps and Major League Baseball Managers, it was brought to my attention that a large segment of the population have no idea who's emceeing this family reunion.

The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from oppressive anecdotal loquaciousness.

According to the U.S. Survey Ministry, glossophobia -- or, the fear of public speaking -- is our nation's most common phobia; second only to hotelcaliphobia -- the fear of another Eagles reunion. To assuage this affliction Toastmasters International, a nonprofit branch of the Inebriated Uncles Of America, was formed to provide people with the confidence to make business meetings last 15 minutes longer than necessary. And though I can understand why someone would seek encouragement to enhance their communication skills, that doesn't mean they need to be encouraged to bore us all to death.

In 1855, Abraham Lincoln said, "'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to go up against Takeru Kobayash in the Eight-Minute Krystal Hamburger Eating Contest." Which no one will argue. But the point is that, despite good intentions, Toastmasters International has demonstrated a degree of recklessness not seen since Paula Abdul got a pharmaceutical license. With increasing abandon, the smilers and nodders crucial to our society are opening their mouths and being transformed into people who tell cute stories about their kids; because the truth of the matter is that the world is divided into two kinds of people: (a) those who have something to say and (b) Larry the Cable Guy.

Do you see? This is not about engaging in oral discourse. It's about the fact that any one of our citizens at any moment -- while strolling under our ceremonial arches, for instance, or talking to moldering corpses -- can literally be victimized by wandering renegades in sequined suits wielding Shure SM58 Dynamic Handheld Microphones in one hand, and Six Sheets of Notes in the other. Combine that with the recommended prop-heavy arsenal of Flip Charts, Pie Charts, Overhead Projectors, Laser Pointers, Handpuppets, Noisemakers and Bubble Machines, and I have no other choice but to fall back on bullet points:

· Imagining everyone in the audience
· Wearing only their underwear
· Doesn't work at the AARP Convention

On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, please put that gavel down before somebody gets hurt.

WARNING: Farm-Fresh Eggs, Cheap Russian Rip-Offs, Brett Favre, People Who Tell Cute Stories About Their Kids, Local News and Camaraderie-Building Exercises. The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.

-- PREVIOUS MEMORANDUMS --

· You're Out: Major League Baseball Managers
· Past the Point of Reconciliation: Marshmallow Peeps
· Because I Can: Little Dogs
· It's Getting Olde: Renaissance Festivals
· Not Included in Our Future Plans: Shriners
· It's Checkout Time: All-Inclusive Resorts
· The End of Our Working Relationship: Cellular Headsets
· It's Been a Great Run: The 78th Annual Academy Awards
· Let's Circle Back and Regroup: Distressed Jeans
· We Need Our Space: Marriage Proposals
· You’re Scaring the Kids: Mariachi Bands
· Rethinking Our Strategy: Swag
· We're All Done Here: People-Skills Literature
· It's Time to Say When: Tim McGraw's Hat
· Let's Take It Down a Notch: Car Magnets
· You've Lost Me: Authentic NFL Player Jerseys
· It's Really For the Best: The Weather Channel
· Drink Up, It's Closing Time: Microbreweries
· We're Going In a New Direction: The Rolling Stones

thefeedblog at 3:28:00 PM EDT Blog about this entry

This entry has 4 comments: (Add your own)

#4 Comment from johnmac665
4/27/06 9:50 PM | Permalink

One aspect of public speaking is Karaoke. At a local pub on Friday and Saturday night would be Karaoke night. I remember being introduced as I walked into the pub for the first time with the barmaid asking "would you sing?", and this happened because they have problems with volunteers for the Karaoke. I got on stage with a beer bottle in hand and started singing while wearing my cowboy hat. I sang and enjoyed myself, and I would smile really big, because for me being in public and singing is fun. I tell everyone "this is about fun" in the microphone. I would pretend I'm on stage with some greats such as Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton, and George Straight--that trip through Amarillo is a fun ride and the Beaches of Cheyenne is still fun. After this there were more volunteers on weekends, and then the pub would rock on weekends full of people instead of being the lonely hangout, and it started with telling everyone this is fun and people would come in practiced with a song. Great fun, and it starts with having a good time in public with public speaking and singing where without positive attitude you get the lonely place and with good attitude your place rocks and has a night long party.
#3 Comment from johnmac665
4/27/06 6:39 PM | Permalink

Public speaking is fun. I once did a public speaking over Pizza and its origins. You have to be impressed with the Food Channel people, because you must have it prepared and groups of ingredients ready for the time limit. I remember watching one of Julia Child's cooking shows and she dropped a chicken, and she promptly picked it up and said, it washes: Julia Child is the famous person who wrote a French cookbook because of her French husband, and then became famous as The French Chef with her own cooking show, and as trivia she also worked for the famous OSS before she became The French Chef. The finished chicken would be pulled out of the oven in the time limit (it was precooked).

Have fun and be prepared and it washes.
#2 Comment from billkelley1957
4/27/06 6:33 PM | Permalink

I can't argue with that Mr Minister.

B. Kelley
#1 Comment from johnmac665
4/27/06 6:04 PM | Permalink

Public speaking is fun. I remember doing an opening prayer for a meeting and graduation of a management school and I said "F***" in my mind because I dropped my prayer notes, "I couldn't remember whether I said it out loud or not", and I did not say one thing afterward about that moment, and no one else did either afterward, but it did clear my mind to be better prepared for speaking. Speaking: introduction, three points, conclusion; say what you are going to say, say it, say what you said, and stay within the time limits; for God acknowledge the great God at introduction, say the prayer, acknowledge the great God with protection from Evil the Evil One or simply ask for protection and guidance at close, and then Amen (introduction, body, conclusion, Amen). I have never hesitated at public speaking events, and yet they will ridicule you for any misspelling on the slide show, so take your dictionary with you and the old way is to write the correction on the slide, if that is what it takes, with a single line through the mistake--but you are up there and not them, and you will be respected for it.

Get up there and say it, and with practice your show will become polished.

The Feed - News That Doesn't Hurt Public Journal
Back to Journal	Archives \| Alerts x Entry Alerts Comment Alerts \| Feeds

The Feed - News That Doesn't Hurt

Minister of Culture | That Thing Is Not On