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STuBY | 4.28.06
The Award Goes To: Heather Locklear
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It's entangled-Hollywood-Rock-n-Roll-romance-cheat-on week. We're still trying to figure it all out. Between this and our Oslo studio lease expiring, we're a busy bunch of bees!
What we've learned during the 7-month tenure of this column is that there's two distinct schools of suckology. Firstly, there's the "I'm awful at life and would like to declare my idiocy to the world by doing moronic, hysterical deeds" school. Then, there's the "I did nothing to provoke the various, demeaning incidents that are currently happening in my life" school.
Heather Locklear falls into the latter.
It could be said that this is what you get for marrying rockers -- first Tommy 'Packing Heat' Lee, then Richie 'Livin' on a Prayer' Sambora. But Heather seems like a nice-enough gal that even us heartless Sucks editors feel the tiniest twinge of sympathy for her this week. Just weeks ago, she slapped Sambora with a divorce suit out of the blue, and now it all seems clear why. Not only was her ex caught being straddled by a younger, spunkier and, some would say, hotter, girl... it turns out that gal is none other than Heather's best friend, Denise Richards.
Props to Heather for quickly telling richards "You no longer exist to me. It's like you've died," even though we thought she died shortly after 'Wild Things.' But now it seems that Denise is the one who told Heather to break up with Sambora, in the hopes that she could ditch Charlie "I'm Still Relevant, In the I Co-Star With Ducky Sort of Way" Sheen.
Aaron Spelling couldn't write crap like this!
So through it all, we feel for you, but you've delved into the self-inflicted school of suckonomics, all because you rebounded with the miraculously unfunny and weasely David Spade. That's foul.
Coming In a Close Second Place:
Babe Ruth
Oh, George Herman, your deteriorated bones must be spinning around in your oversized grave. You may have been a bloated, drunk mess, but at least whatever you binged on during your prime (hot dogs, hooch, repeat) are legal products and do the exact opposite of the products Barry Bonds consumed to help him inevitably break your record. You were great while destroying your body, but Barry got to your status by illegally mechanizing and improving his. Woe is baseball.
It Also Sucks to Be:
Michelle Rodriguez
We'd like to issue Michelle our first ever "WTF?" award. Rather than doing 240 hours of community service, the cranky actress picked 5 days in jail for drunk driving. We get you're a badass, but seriously, like William Faulkner said, my mother is a fish. Chew on that.
Kaavya Viswanathan
Harvard = yay!
$500k book deal at 19 = yay yay!!!
Decent reviews, lots of press = yay yay yay !!!!!!!
Exposed as a plagiarist, book pulled from shelves = STuBY!
Duke Cunningham
Perhaps you thought all the suckiness was behind you. Lose your congressional seat. Ah, OK, you enjoyed the ride. You had to auction off all the stuff gained by corruption. No matter, it's only furniture and the like. Time to fly off into the sunset. Hold the phone, Maverick. HOOKERS! Back into the news you go.
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Previous STuBY Winners
- Tom Cruise | Ryan Seacrest | Sharon Stone |Paula Abdul | St. Patty's Day Smorgasboard | Ayla Brown | Lachey/Alba | Dunkleman | Scott Stapp #2 | Sean P.Federline | TheManning Brothers | James Frey/Oprah | Osama bin Laden | Jennifer Aniston | Nicole Richie |Sucks Year End | Suckiest Year Nominees | FM radio/FCC | Debbie Lafave | Jessica Simpson | Holiday Travelers Edition | Donovan McNabb -- History Making Launch of STuBY
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I think Denise Richards is only human. Who's to say those two aren't gonna be the loveteam of the century? Who are we to judge? And if Heather were any kind of a real woman, she would've never lost Richie. We can have who we deserve. As far as love goes... who is to say public opinion has any right to perhaps be grossly wrong about what just may be the right thing? Doesn't anyone watch T.V? I also think Denise Richards is as hot as Angelina.
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Heather, you are a class act -don't change! With friends like"witchards" you dont need any enemies!! Thats just something you dont do to a friend no matter what!! She must be pretty desperate to go after her best friends ex--at of all the men she cant get noone else??? What a good example she is setting for her daughters!!!! And she's worried about Charlie???Dont feel bad Heather,because she is a has been and after this,she'll less than a has been!! What a poor excuse for a woman and mother she's trash!! good luck Heather!
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it really sucks to Leonardo De-crapio. Why you say? Well thnk about his acting career, the man hits the stars with Titanic and we can't get him out of the movie theatre's for a good season. Then he dies, and comes back with the Aviator and Gangs of New York.. then he dies again... not to mention his face is square and out of shape with his body, but thats just me... Just a suggestion for next weeks StuBY
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Heather is a class act, and she always has been and she
always shall be.
Hold your Beautiful head up as high as you can....
You thought "THE WITCH RICHARDS" Was wonderdul friend,
not so my sweet.
My Mama used to tell me that if you go to the grave with
one best friend, then you are one of the luckest people
in the world.
Heather, I am 56, and I found my best friend finally.
She is a Federal Judge.......how did that happen...we can hardly
stay away from each other.....
So remember sweet Heather, the world awaits you,
and somewhere out there, so does a BEAUTIFUL FRIEND....
God Love you baby....Give Ava some hug's for me.....
Judy Jaehn
6196540389
Cheyannieg@aol.com
Many Hug's Judy
5/9/06 11:38 AM