Minister of Culture | Dear President of Iran...

To: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: Thanks for Reaching Out

Enclosed please find the official U.S. response to your 18-Page letter.

In Monday morning's White House mail, among the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogues and Netflix pouches, President Bush found a thick envelope with an odd patchouli smell. It was immediately seized, scanned, dusted, microwaved and paint-balled before somebody turned on "The View" and got the word.

The President, you must understand, is extremely busy at the moment surfing MySpace.com to procure evidence to attack your country. Therefore, he has asked me to address your concerns. Thank God there's a Merriam-Webster's Online Sanskrit Translator.

But before you say, "Oh, I am flogging my chest at the heavens!" or "Oh, I am pulling out my beard in anger!" Please stop for a moment and, well... go for it.

The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from brutally honest parchment scrolls.

Now, listen. I realize that a mere cabinet member may not be one-hundred percent qualified to split hairs with the leader of ancient and legendary country -- yes, I've seen the Sinbad movies. But, having read your letter and perused some official decrees from your direct reports, I believe we may have more in common than you think; like, (a) a fondness for multifaceted world-leader backdrops and (b) a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to "girly sportsmen." Therefore, please allow me your full attention.

In your letter you state, "Of course Saddam was a murderous dictator. But the war was not waged to topple him.... He was toppled along the way towards another goal; nevertheless the people of the region are happy about it." So, I guess we're cool on that.

Later you write, "Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East region is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime?" If the treatment of Danish Flags is any indication, you guys should not be handling chemicals.

Continuing I find, "History tells us that repressive and cruel governments do not survive." You know, they said the same thing about 'Seventh Heaven' 10 years ago.

And then of course, "Liberalism and Western-style democracy have not been able to help realize the ideals of humanity. Today these two concepts have failed." Which is why we have Clinton Portis.

I hope I have provided a modicum of satisfaction. Please realize that every department of the Executive Branch -- from the Minister of Health to the Minister of Hip-Hop Clowns -- opposes the development of nuclear technology by any country (except maybe Fiji). Because when you start splitting atoms, when you begin the process of uranium enrichment, and when you mess around with plutonium, it's just a matter of time before your goats start fainting and your lambs grow six legs.

Near the end of your letter you declare, "Can one deny the signs of change in the world today? Changes happen fast and come at a furious pace." And we're well aware of the All-New Body by Victoria Wireless IPEX Bra. But the main point, I think -- and one that is crucial to opening a worthwhile dialogue between our countries -- is that you be made aware as soon as humanly possible that the New Gillette Fusion offers five -- that's right - five patented blades with a manual trimmer.

On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, please meet the new U.S. Ambassador to Iran:

Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture

-- PREVIOUS MEMORANDUMS --

· People Are Laughing: Word of the Day
· Please Be Seated: Toastmasters International
· You're Out: Major League Baseball Managers
· Past the Point of Reconciliation: Marshmallow Peeps
· Because I Can: Little Dogs
· It's Getting Olde: Renaissance Festivals
· Not Included in Our Future Plans: Shriners
· It's Checkout Time: All-Inclusive Resorts
· The End of Our Working Relationship: Cellular Headsets
· It's Been a Great Run: The 78th Annual Academy Awards
· Let's Circle Back and Regroup: Distressed Jeans
· We Need Our Space: Marriage Proposals
· You’re Scaring the Kids: Mariachi Bands
· Rethinking Our Strategy: Swag
· We're All Done Here: People-Skills Literature
· It's Time to Say When: Tim McGraw's Hat
· Let's Take It Down a Notch: Car Magnets
· You've Lost Me: Authentic NFL Player Jerseys
· It's Really For the Best: The Weather Channel
· Drink Up, It's Closing Time: Microbreweries
· We're Going In a New Direction: The Rolling Stones

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This entry has 9 comments: (Add your own)

#9 Comment from deedee9876543
10/19/06 9:35 PM | Permalink

Spirituality goes deep into religion when you kill for it.
#8 Comment from albion39
5/13/06 5:36 PM | Permalink

;

It is a tragedy that so many of the brillant people do not reproduce. We miss the opportunity for physical, mental and intelectual capacities by not urging the "shining stars" to donate their DNA and eggs/sperms for implants and more progeny and in great abundance. They have great assets far beyong the financial and the countries would benefit far into the future instead of losing the potential of these assets.

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#7 Comment from peculiarsista
5/11/06 1:10 PM | Permalink

The View
I am exhausted with people hating on Starlet Jones. Anything one can do to improve or feel better about his or herself do it. America accept the fact that the weight is gone and be happy for her. Starlet is a successful black woman doing something positive.

Starlet is not confused about her gender but Rosie Odonnell is. America talk about how Rosie need to visit with a mental health doctor so that she can get back on track about her gender and loose weight so that she can stop " hating " on Starlet.

Starlet keep on doing well girl. I am happy for you because America is already full of enough negativity.
#6 Comment from kcnsted
5/10/06 10:55 PM | Permalink

"The View" I had the privelige of meeting Rosie O in the mid 1980's at the Outrigger Reef in Honolulu. This was before she became a "BIG" star. How dare the front desk check me in before her. A look of a thousand daggers came my way. You know the look she gives when she gets disgusted????? When she joins the show, I will not be watching. I have seen clips of her over the years and the chip is still on her shoulders. Thanks, but No thanks, I'll find something or someone else to watch other than Rosie.
#5 Comment from dobobna
5/9/06 8:17 PM | Permalink

I DO NOT LIKE ROSIE AND I WILL NEVER WATCH THE VIEW IF SHE IS ADDED DN GALVESTON TX

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Minister of Culture | Dear President of Iran...