Minister of Culture | Bye-Bye Bikinis

-- MEMORANDUM --

To: U.S.A. National Bikini Team
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: I Question Your Dedication

I hereby inform you that your services have been terminated.

During the last few weeks, while terminating Word of the Day and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran from our cultural ramparts, it was brought to my attention that four out of five Americans have no idea what you actually do.

But before you say, "Oh, I hate you," or "Oh, you're acting like you have no idea that they are actually a covert government anti-immigration squad," please stop and realize that.... hey, who told you that?

The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from athletes who just stand there.

The subject of controversy for more than 75 years, the origins of The U.S.A. National Bikini Team -- not to be confused with The U.S.A. National Bikini Merchant Marines -- are still hotly debated by sports purists and Amstel Light drinkers across the country. Some cite General George Custer's pioneering "Petticoat Posse" -- who proved to be terrible Indian scouts -- where others refer to General Douglas MacArthur's "Girdle Force Kappa" -- whose sudden parachuting appearance at the Port of Inchon terrified the Korean front-lines. And while today's incarnation provides such worthwhile services as handing out complimentary Cialis samplers at Boat Shows, I just need to ask, when do you all start swimming laps and stuff?

In 54 B.C. Confucius wrote, "To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it." Like, when Paul McCartney remembered that a psychic told him he'd lose a quarter of his money to a woman with one leg. But, you see, in the case of The U.S.A. National Bikini Team, a government-sponsored militia -- I mean, peacekeeping squad -- has completely lost touch with reality. Inflated salaries, corporate sponsorships and widespread allegations of Sunless Tanning have marginalized this once-feared troupe and deepened the rumors that they were seen in South Texas joyriding in Suzuki Samurais harboring Farm-Raised Quail. Which they were not.

Look, I could go on. But instead of further criticizing a paramilitary group who for years have done nothing but defiantly stand next to tasteful wicker couches and lean on poodle topiaries, I would like to offer a solution. Since the sanction of the Swedish Bikini Team, Sweden's graduation rate has risen from 85% to 106%. With the formation of the Venezuelan Bikini Team, the country has welcomed a rise in professional vocations like Cooking Shows. And since the launch of the English Bikini Team, London has seen a significant reduction in Happy Slapping.

Because America has to ask itself: What is more important? (a) Sending women in bathing suits to the Hindu Kush to find Osama bin Laden or (b) keeping kids in school?

Seriously! I mean, our public schools need more Teachers Who Use L'Oreal Preference Natural Light Blonde 9A. And while our educational system will benefit from this decree, our national security will acquire a safeguard not seen since Turkeys Took Over Kentucky. Because, though many may have forgotten, there exists another super-secret brigade born to strike fear into evildoers and lacrosse players the world over.

To our menu of national battle cries, I am happy to include:

Remember the Alamo,
Remember the Maine,
and for the love of God
Remember the Topcats

On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, you can stop holding in your stomach now.

Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture

WARNING: Poodle Topiaries, Unschooling, Cooking Shows, William "Axl" Rose, and Convicted-Felon Teacher Action Figures. The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.

-- PREVIOUS MEMORANDUMS --

· Thanks for Reaching Out: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran
· People Are Laughing: Word of the Day
· Please Be Seated: Toastmasters International
· You're Out: Major League Baseball Managers
· Past the Point of Reconciliation: Marshmallow Peeps
· Because I Can: Little Dogs
· It's GettingOlde: Renaissance Festivals
· Not Included in Our Future Plans: Shriners
· It's Checkout Time: All-Inclusive Resorts
· The End of Our Working Relationship: Cellular Headsets
· It's Been a Great Run: The 78th Annual Academy Awards
· Let's Circle Back and Regroup: Distressed Jeans
· We Need Our Space: Marriage Proposals
· You’re Scaring the Kids: Mariachi Bands
· Rethinking Our Strategy: Swag
· We're All Done Here: People-Skills Literature
· It's Time to Say When: Tim McGraw's Hat
· Let's Take It Down a Notch: Car Magnets
· You've Lost Me: Authentic NFL Player Jerseys
· It's Really For the Best: The Weather Channel
· Drink Up, It's Closing Time: Microbreweries
· We're Going In a New Direction: The Rolling Stones

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This entry has 2 comments: (Add your own)

#2 Comment from melissabak2
5/21/06 2:39 PM | Permalink

FOR THE LATEST NEWS ON FASHION ACCESSORIES www.iardm.com .
#1 Comment from johnmac665
5/18/06 4:27 PM | Permalink

One interesting thing about the Internet and the National Bikini Team is they are looking commonplace. This means to have our fantasies we must reach out farther and harder by banning the bikini presence, or having a National String-Only Bikini Team (all strings must be one inch or less in width) to excite our imaginations and our dreams. We should be seeing the bikini presence in our every day lives, so to strengthen our libido we must repress or embrace the deeper pleasures.

I'm all for making American Women wear dresses in public again. This will have them running to your bed, and Men start looking like they need to be Men.

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Minister of Culture | Bye-Bye Bikinis