Minister of Culture | We're Going To Pass

                            -- MEMORANDUM --

To: The World Cup
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: We're Going to Pass

I hereby inform you that your U.S. broadcasting rights have been terminated.

During the last few weeks, while terminating President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran and the U.S.A. National Bikini Team from our cultural pastures, it was brought to my attention that, in a matter of weeks, our country's finest sports bars will be overrun by guys in kilts.

The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from sports we don't play very well.

                        (Getty)

Though The World Cup -- the largest Minivan-free soccer tournament ever -- launched during the 1932 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles, the first actual goal wasn't scored until 1986 when Diego Maradona decided, to Hell with it, and punched the ball into the net. In the intervening years, all around the planet, millions of NASCAR-deprived people watch ashundreds of countries send thousands of teams through millions of qualifying rounds that span virtual lifetimes, all leading up to a sports event that will most likely not feature a Cheez-It Baked Snack Crackers Halftime Show. And while I can appreciate an occasion for Brazil to celebrate something other than hosting the Guns N' Roses reunion, I just need to ask, when does the score stop being 0-0?

According to the Minister of Foreign Flags, the reason our citizens do not excel at soccer is that Europeans, Africans, South Americans, Bulgarians and Cancunians have highly developed foot/eye coordination, while Americans have highly developed Deal/No Deal coordination. Which is cool. But, see, this is not about imbalanced athleticism, nor is it about Touch Basketball. The truth is, The World Cup has systematically alienated our finest athletes by creating complicated rules that forbid (a) Picking Up the Ball and (b) Doing Funny Things With It.

But it's not just that. From The World Cup to Turkish Camel Wrestling, no sporting event exists beyond the clutches of commercialism. And our major networks, by airing these games, will certainly frustrate the hardworking people who were counting on those summer Gilmore Girls reruns. But let me just say that for too long have I stood by and watched our airwaves verifiably marauded by penalty kicks, corner kicks and referees who randomly hold Post-Its over the players' heads. Too long have I seen our Ceremonial Promenades gridlocked by men in Saabs honking and waving funny-colored flags. And too long have I closed my eyes during the hours upon hours of Suggestive Storck Chocolate Riesen Commercials, at which point I can only express myself with an overdone haiku:

at least our sports fans
don't have to be kept behind
chicken wire, yo

On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, please wake me when Bassmasters comes back on.

Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture

WARNING: Dionne Warwick, Meat Loaf, Burt Bacharach, Toni Braxton and Purina Beggin' Strips. The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.

                            -- PREVIOUS MEMORANDUMS --

· I Question Your Dedication: The U.S.A. National Bikini Team
· Thanks for Reaching Out: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran
· People Are Laughing: Word of the Day
· Please Be Seated: Toastmasters International
· You're Out: Major League Baseball Managers
· Past the Point of Reconciliation: Marshmallow Peeps
· Because I Can: Little Dogs
· It's Getting Olde: Renaissance Festivals
· Not Included in Our Future Plans: Shriners
· It's Checkout Time: All-Inclusive Resorts
· The End of Our Working Relationship: Cellular Headsets
· It's Been a Great Run: The 78th Annual Academy Awards
· Let's Circle Back and Regroup: Distressed Jeans
· We Need Our Space: Marriage Proposals
· You’re Scaring the Kids: Mariachi Bands
· Rethinking Our Strategy: Swag
· We're All Done Here: People-Skills Literature
· It's Time to Say When: Tim McGraw's Hat
· Let's Take It Down a Notch: Car Magnets
· You've Lost Me: Authentic NFL Player Jerseys
· It's Really For the Best: The Weather Channel
· Drink Up, It's Closing Time: Microbreweries
· We're Going In a New Direction: The Rolling Stones

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This entry has 10 comments: (Add your own)

#10 Comment from deedee9876543
10/21/06 9:14 PM | Permalink

Make it big enouff to live in do if a flood or earthquake happen in will float or roll. I thought of this idea im insidebirdhouse@aol do a search.
#9 Comment from deedee9876543
10/21/06 9:13 PM | Permalink

Make it big enouff to live in do if a flood or earthquake happen in will float or roll. I thought of this idea im insidebirdhouse.
#8 Comment from om7gm
5/30/06 12:17 PM | Permalink

Ignorance is insulting, so true! When you don't understand something you critized or fear it. Soccer is a beautiful sport, just as football, basketball, etc. Its barbaric seeing hockey players beating each other up, that should be banned. Who plays north american football 1 country, and what is the sport played by most countries Soccer, majority wins, because they know better what's good! Open your minds and enjoy the WORLD CUP 2006, it will be the best one so far!!
#7 Comment from turbo01terri
5/30/06 8:02 AM | Permalink

It is really a shame that the American team will not have support for the world cup.And the rest of the americans can not follow the world cup in tv . the american soccer team has earned the right to be in the world cup, so don't they have the right to be followed in their quest to arrive in the top? It may not be one of the american best past times but hey at least we are in it and this is what counts. Be ashame the person that decide no world cup on tv in the states. I will be watching my team America in tv here in italy. Good luck America!!!!!!
#6 Comment from iea68
5/29/06 11:56 PM | Permalink

i am american and i love this country.. in case you were wondering

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Minister of Culture | We're Going To Pass