The Feed - News That Doesn't Hurt

Greetings, race fans! What? A race, you ask? Allow us to expound.

With so many "horses" in the running this week for our Peabody-nominated STuBY, it was only right to gather all the mares onto a single track and let them have at it to see who will be crowned as the first KenSucky Derby winner.

The horses are approaching their gates, so be sure to pick the winner after the rundown. But first, >CLICK THIS and proceed reading below:


Photo Illustration: AOL News, Original Photographs: AP/Getty Images

Gate 1: Eva Longoria -- Suckretariat
Odds: 500-1;
Expert Says: She gets all the hype, but she's an average filly at best, no matter how aerodynamically groomed she is.
 
Gate 2: Starbucks -- Rat-O-War
Odds: 2-1
Expert Says: My money is on this filly for two reasons: an ocean of caffeine and a training regimen of running away from rabid NYC rats and roaches.

Gate 3: Dina Lohan -- Long Island Slew
Odds: 5-1
Expert Says: Her trainer -- Lindsay -- has had her on an intense workout despite rumors of doping and surgical enhancement abound. Perhaps, though, she's been around the track one too many times.

Gate 4: Shanna Moakler -- Fusaichi Divorcus
Odds: 10,000-1
Expert Says: She looked good when she was a filly, but after popping out a couple foals -- and allegedly ignoring them while studding around town -- I see her bringing up the rear.

Gate 5: Sen. George Allen -- Not So Smarty Jones
Odds: 10-1
Expert Says: I hear he had Triple Crown aspirations. Nix on that thanks to some old-fashioned racism earlier this week. What's this!?! Using my binoculars I spied some Macacas setting up shop on turn three.

Gate 6: Troy Gentry -- Bear Emblem
Odds: 1 million to one
Expert Says: I'll be surprised if this bum makes it to the gate. I saw a wild pack of bears throwing down shots in the Horseshoe earlier ready to get all Timothy Treadwell on him.

Gate 7: Nicole Richie -- NoBiscuit
Odds: 100,000-1
Expert Says: I found a big stash of hay and oats in her stable... like three years worth. I figure she's gonna be too weak to finish... or even get out of the gate. She does rock the phat blinders though.

Gate 8: Chris Robinson -- Hairy Mare
Odds: 2-1
Expert Says: Ever since the Butterscotch Stallion stole his thunder, he's got the hippie rage to make him sprint ... and because of his "extra-special" hydroponic breed of green hay, this kid could fly past -- or over --the pack.

Gate 9: Beyonce -- Gato Del Suck
Odds: No chance
Expert Says: Two years ago, she could have been a champ -- she's got the gams of a thoroughbred -- but her new single is so bad they wouldn't even turn it into glue. 

Honorary Pace Horse: Haley Joel Osment, who flipped his mare after accepting "hay" from Chris Robinson and "water" from Dina Lohan.

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• #18 Comment from suckstobeyoublog 
  8/25/06 6:49 AM | Permalink

  Bunzeenana, please email suckstobeyoublog@aol.com with your mailing address for your grand mega award
• #17 Comment from bunzeenana 
  8/22/06 7:40 PM | Permalink

  sh*t i guess i don't get a prize.... :-(
• #16 Comment from bunzeenana 
  8/20/06 9:28 PM | Permalink

  Wait, do I really get a prize?
• #15 Comment from bunzeenana 
  8/20/06 9:24 PM | Permalink

  Ok, I figured out what is going on with that photograph.  First of all, it's a photo of the starting gate for the Kentucky Oaks of 2002, not the Kentucky Derby.  The Kentucky Oaks, which takes place the Friday before the Kentucky Derby every year, is for three-year-old fillies and is considered the "sister race" to the Kentucky Derby.  The reason the number 6 is missing is that the horse racing as "program #6," named Bella Bellucci, was "scratched" from the race due to bad blood test results.  As you can see in the photo, there are still little numbers above the colorful ones, designating the posts, but the big colorful numbers hanging refer to the number of the horse, not the post position.  FYI, I don't know anything about horse racing, I just went nuts googling trying to figure it out and ended up learning all this crap... total procrastination for the things I should be doing.
  
  
• #14 Comment from efrost07 
  8/20/06 4:45 PM | Permalink

  So far I've totally disagreed with both tracks I've seen you linked to here that you've said "sucked". Both this Beyonce single and the Justin Timberlake single you've called out before had merit. Neither were amazing, but they certainly didn't suck. What they did have in common was a departure from what the artists were doing before, so maybe anything that isn't more of the same sucks to you.