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Minister of Culture | Stripping and Funerals: Bad Juju
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Thursday, August 24, 2006
-- Memorandum --
To: Striptease Funerals
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: Maybe Some Other Time
I hereby inform you that your operating permit has been terminated.
During the last few weeks, while defending myself against charges of racism, it was brought to my attention that a large percentage of the mourning population is totally not paying attention to the eulogy.
The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from inopportune erotic provocations.
(Getty Images)
The Funeral -- one of mankind's oldest and most sacred rites -- is a ceremony that allows the bereaved to congregate and reflect upon the lives of deceased loved ones before going ahead and divvying up their collection of vintage Silver Surfer comics. In recent years, Striptease Funerals -- inspired by the ever-popular Striptease Lamaze Class -- have sought to mollify the harsh effects of (a) death-related thoughts and (b) college-buddy reminiscences. And while I am certain that Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass sounds amazing in a church, I just need to say, I don't think Aunt Lucy likes having that red feather boa wrapped around her head.
In 100 B.C., Syrian scribe Publilius Syrus, during a petition to have his name changed, said, "As men, we are all equal in the presence of death." Which includes Clifton Sanches. But my point, you see, is that for too long have I turned a blind eye while our nation's sacrosanct communions, baptisms and crucifixions are resoundingly defiled by Stretch-Satin Corsets, desecrated by Brazilian Waist Cinchers, and contaminated by spinning Sequined Body Tassels, to the point where I must fashion an Official Ordinance.
Stripping Not Allowed: Funerals, Weddings, Communions, Confessions, Baptisms, Graduations, Bris Ceremonies, Aboriginal Walkabouts, Shabbat Candlelighting Rituals, Yin Yang Ceremonies, Pagan Ritual Drinking Feasts, Hopi Vision Quests, Hindu Upanayanams, Amish Rumspringas and Jeopardy.
Stripping Allowed: Royal Coronations, Scientific Symposiums, Maypole Ceremonies, Outpatient Surgeries, Grand Jury Trials, Renaissance Festivals, Seances, Sacrificial Bonfires and Square Dances.
On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, please put those dollar bills back in the offering tray.
Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture
WARNING: Bob Dylan, Croc Clogs, Maypole Ceremonies and Terrell Owens' Hamstring. The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.
-- PREVIOUS MEMORANDUMS --
· Larry King Live: The 'Macaca' Interview · We'll Be In Touch: Mesh Shirts· I See Bored People: M. Night Shyamalan · You Peaked Too Soon: The Robosaurus · We're Trending Downward: Beach Weddings · A Drain on Resources: Kudos · Not An Effective Use of Our Time: Sparklers · I'm Over It: The Talos Outdoor Cooking Suite · You're Embarrassing Me: World's Greatest Dad Products · Don't Show, Don't Tell: The Framed Photo of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's Body · At Home With: The Minister of Culture · We're Going to Pass: The World Cup · I Question Your Dedication: The U.S.A. National Bikini Team · Thanks for Reaching Out: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran · People Are Laughing: Word of the Day · Please Be Seated: Toastmasters International · You're Out: Major League Baseball Managers · Past the Point of Reconciliation: Marshmallow Peeps · Because I Can: Little Dogs · It's Getting Olde: Renaissance Festivals
· Not Included in Our Future Plans: Shriners · It's Checkout Time: All-Inclusive Resorts · The End of Our Working Relationship: Cellular Headsets · It's Been a Great Run: The 78th Annual Academy Awards · Let's Circle Back and Regroup: Distressed Jeans · We Need Our Space: Marriage Proposals · You’re Scaring the Kids: Mariachi Bands · Rethinking Our Strategy: Swag · We're All Done Here: People-Skills Literature · It's Time to Say When: Tim McGraw's Hat · Let's Take It Down a Notch: Car Magnets · You've Lost Me: Authentic NFL Player Jerseys · It's Really For the Best: The Weather Channel · Drink Up, It's Closing Time: Microbreweries · We're Going In a New Direction: The Rolling Stones
thefeedblog at 3:00:00 PM EDT Blog about this entry |
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Minister of Culture | Stripping and Funerals: Bad Juju
-- Memorandum --
To: Striptease Funerals
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: Maybe Some Other Time
I hereby inform you that your operating permit has been terminated.
During the last few weeks, while defending myself against charges of racism, it was brought to my attention that a large percentage of the mourning population is totally not paying attention to the eulogy.
The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from inopportune erotic provocations.
(Getty Images)
The Funeral -- one of mankind's oldest and most sacred rites -- is a ceremony that allows the bereaved to congregate and reflect upon the lives of deceased loved ones before going ahead and divvying up their collection of vintage Silver Surfer comics. In recent years, Striptease Funerals -- inspired by the ever-popular Striptease Lamaze Class -- have sought to mollify the harsh effects of (a) death-related thoughts and (b) college-buddy reminiscences. And while I am certain that Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass sounds amazing in a church, I just need to say, I don't think Aunt Lucy likes having that red feather boa wrapped around her head.
In 100 B.C., Syrian scribe Publilius Syrus, during a petition to have his name changed, said, "As men, we are all equal in the presence of death." Which includes Clifton Sanches. But my point, you see, is that for too long have I turned a blind eye while our nation's sacrosanct communions, baptisms and crucifixions are resoundingly defiled by Stretch-Satin Corsets, desecrated by Brazilian Waist Cinchers, and contaminated by spinning Sequined Body Tassels, to the point where I must fashion an Official Ordinance.
Stripping Not Allowed: Funerals, Weddings, Communions, Confessions, Baptisms, Graduations, Bris Ceremonies, Aboriginal Walkabouts, Shabbat Candlelighting Rituals, Yin Yang Ceremonies, Pagan Ritual Drinking Feasts, Hopi Vision Quests, Hindu Upanayanams, Amish Rumspringas and Jeopardy.
Stripping Allowed: Royal Coronations, Scientific Symposiums, Maypole Ceremonies, Outpatient Surgeries, Grand Jury Trials, Renaissance Festivals, Seances, Sacrificial Bonfires and Square Dances.
On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, please put those dollar bills back in the offering tray.
Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture
WARNING: Bob Dylan, Croc Clogs, Maypole Ceremonies and Terrell Owens' Hamstring. The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.
-- PREVIOUS MEMORANDUMS --
· Larry King Live: The 'Macaca' Interview · We'll Be In Touch: Mesh Shirts· I See Bored People: M. Night Shyamalan · You Peaked Too Soon: The Robosaurus · We're Trending Downward: Beach Weddings · A Drain on Resources: Kudos · Not An Effective Use of Our Time: Sparklers · I'm Over It: The Talos Outdoor Cooking Suite · You're Embarrassing Me: World's Greatest Dad Products · Don't Show, Don't Tell: The Framed Photo of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's Body · At Home With: The Minister of Culture · We're Going to Pass: The World Cup · I Question Your Dedication: The U.S.A. National Bikini Team · Thanks for Reaching Out: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran · People Are Laughing: Word of the Day · Please Be Seated: Toastmasters International · You're Out: Major League Baseball Managers · Past the Point of Reconciliation: Marshmallow Peeps · Because I Can: Little Dogs · It's Getting Olde: Renaissance Festivals
· Not Included in Our Future Plans: Shriners · It's Checkout Time: All-Inclusive Resorts · The End of Our Working Relationship: Cellular Headsets · It's Been a Great Run: The 78th Annual Academy Awards · Let's Circle Back and Regroup: Distressed Jeans · We Need Our Space: Marriage Proposals · You’re Scaring the Kids: Mariachi Bands · Rethinking Our Strategy: Swag · We're All Done Here: People-Skills Literature · It's Time to Say When: Tim McGraw's Hat · Let's Take It Down a Notch: Car Magnets · You've Lost Me: Authentic NFL Player Jerseys · It's Really For the Best: The Weather Channel · Drink Up, It's Closing Time: Microbreweries · We're Going In a New Direction: The Rolling Stones
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Add to del.icio.us | digg this
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President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran does not seem like such a bad guy. He does interviews with U.S. news correspondents and has a website. Some of Mahmoud opinions are over the edge, but
9/7/06 4:25 PM