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Fragments from ROSIE! The Musical by Ben Greenman
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Thursday, January 11, 2007
(Getty Images)
[MISS USA appears on the center of the stage in a single spotlight.]
MISS USA:
I have a story to tell
It's a sad, sad tale
A girl is crowned; that girl falls down
Here is the coffin, here is the nail.
I was just a country girl
The city had me in a whirl
I got carried away
I got carried away
A little coke, a little booze
Is that really front-page news?
I got carried away
I got carried away
Haven't you ever been bleary-eyed
At four a.m. on a waterslide
With your underwear balled up at the bottom of your purse?
(I hope that you say yes because the story gets much worse.)
[MISS USA meets with pageant owner DONALD TRUMP, who permits her to keep her title but reprimands her publicly.]
TRUMP:
They wanted execution
I granted absolution
When a young woman makes an error
She seeks out the standard-bearer
So go, my child
Don’t regret that you were wild
To live is to live free
And remember The Apprentice
Coming soon on NBC
[The next day, ROSIE O'DONNELL attacks TRUMP for sitting in judgment of MISS USA.]
ROSIE:
She made mistakes?
Consider the source.
This blowhard clown
Is twice divorced.
Of course we should forgive her,
But of one thing I am sure
He's no judge of character
Mon hypocrite buildeur!
[This touches off a feud.]
TRUMP:
Hey fatty, you're fat
I'm sure about that
ROSIE:
You lost all your money
And you also look funny
TRUMP:
Hey lardo! Wide-load!
You’re gonna explode!
ROSIE:
A creature is dead
And it sits on your head
TRUMP:
You curse like a sailor
Your magazine: failure.
ROSIE:
Reality called
It said you were bald.
TRUMP:
You’re pudgy! You’re stout!
You’re gay!
ROSIE:
But I’m out!
[The conflict escalates TRUMP is working in his office. An assistant comes to the door.]
TRUMP:
This had better be important
For you to barge in here
I am drafting an epistle
About her enlarged rear
[ROSIE is working in her office. Her wife calls to her to come to breakfast.]
ROSIE:
Kelly, that smells great,
But I can't come down there
I'm jotting down some comments
About his repulsive hair.
[TRUMP takes to the airwaves to continue attacking ROSIE. He appears on virtually every American talk show, where he discusses the feud and manages to mention The Apprentice.]
TRUMP:
I have a show that comes out soon
But that hardly matters now.
My integrity has been impugned
By a loudmouthed, moon-faced cow.
[And even some on Telemundo.]
TRUMP:
Compredeme? Una vaca?
Es tan grande como Oaxaca!
[After ROSIE's colleagues on the View appear to back her over TRUMP, TRUMP reveals that BARBARA WALTERS has not always been such a supporter of ROSIE.]
TRUMP:
Barbara is my friend
A good friend, I should say
So it did not surprise me
When she called me up one day
It was quite enlightening
When she began to speak
She insulted Rosie's bearing
Her talent, her physique
She said she's hard to work with
She said she likes to fight.
Did I mention the Apprentice,
Which premieres on Sunday night?
[BARBARA denies the account.]
BARBARA:
It isn't twue
Thewe's no twuth in it
Mw.Twump,
You wait one minute!
Wosie is my colleague
I'm so pwoud of ouw show
That's the gospel, Mw. Twump
I think that you should know
Youw lies fill me with sowwow.
Watch the View tomowwow.
[The bad blood between the three worsens. TRUMP sends a letter to ROSIE at the View. ROSIE attacks TRUMP online. BARBARA backs ROSIE up on the air. TRUMP maligns BARBARA further. As the controversy rages, all three, unbeknownst to the public, meet aboard Trump’s gold-plated hydrofoil.]
TRUMP:
Hi there, gals
Are we still pals
Assuming we’re meeting
In secure locales?
[TRUMP hugs BARBARA. BARBARA motions to ROSIE. ROSIE hugs TRUMP, though she is careful not to touch his hair.]
ALL THREE:
We are fascinating people
We know that's true because
For all our wealth and power
We are best-known for our flaws
He's a jackass, she's a boor
The third one can't speak right
But we have a nice rapport
That makes everything alright.
They say it's for the ratings
But they don't know that for sure
It's possible that we are simply
Rich and immature
The public eye can only see
As far as we permit
As far as anybody knows
Our anger is legit
But it’s copacetic, fine with us,
Everything’s okay.
At least we're not a worthless whore
Like that poor Miss USA
Like that poor…Miss…U…S…A!!!
[MISS USA returns to the stage, removes her tiara, replaces it, removes it again, replaces it again. The lights fade out while she repeats the motion.]
Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction, including the forthcoming A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both. In his spare time, he sometimes writes imagined musicals about the current events of the day; previous efforts have dealt withO.J. Simpson, Mel Gibson, and steroid use in baseball.
(Photos: Getty Images)
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Fragments from ROSIE! The Musical by Ben Greenman
(Getty Images)
[MISS USA appears on the center of the stage in a single spotlight.]
MISS USA:
I have a story to tell
It's a sad, sad tale
A girl is crowned; that girl falls down
Here is the coffin, here is the nail.
I was just a country girl
The city had me in a whirl
I got carried away
I got carried away
A little coke, a little booze
Is that really front-page news?
I got carried away
I got carried away
Haven't you ever been bleary-eyed
At four a.m. on a waterslide
With your underwear balled up at the bottom of your purse?
(I hope that you say yes because the story gets much worse.)
[MISS USA meets with pageant owner DONALD TRUMP, who permits her to keep her title but reprimands her publicly.]
TRUMP:
They wanted execution
I granted absolution
When a young woman makes an error
She seeks out the standard-bearer
So go, my child
Don’t regret that you were wild
To live is to live free
And remember The Apprentice
Coming soon on NBC
[The next day, ROSIE O'DONNELL attacks TRUMP for sitting in judgment of MISS USA.]
ROSIE:
She made mistakes?
Consider the source.
This blowhard clown
Is twice divorced.
Of course we should forgive her,
But of one thing I am sure
He's no judge of character
Mon hypocrite buildeur!
[This touches off a feud.]
TRUMP:
Hey fatty, you're fat
I'm sure about that
ROSIE:
You lost all your money
And you also look funny
TRUMP:
Hey lardo! Wide-load!
You’re gonna explode!
ROSIE:
A creature is dead
And it sits on your head
TRUMP:
You curse like a sailor
Your magazine: failure.
ROSIE:
Reality called
It said you were bald.
TRUMP:
You’re pudgy! You’re stout!
You’re gay!
ROSIE:
But I’m out!
[The conflict escalates TRUMP is working in his office. An assistant comes to the door.]
TRUMP:
This had better be important
For you to barge in here
I am drafting an epistle
About her enlarged rear
[ROSIE is working in her office. Her wife calls to her to come to breakfast.]
ROSIE:
Kelly, that smells great,
But I can't come down there
I'm jotting down some comments
About his repulsive hair.
[TRUMP takes to the airwaves to continue attacking ROSIE. He appears on virtually every American talk show, where he discusses the feud and manages to mention The Apprentice.]
TRUMP:
I have a show that comes out soon
But that hardly matters now.
My integrity has been impugned
By a loudmouthed, moon-faced cow.
[And even some on Telemundo.]
TRUMP:
Compredeme? Una vaca?
Es tan grande como Oaxaca!
[After ROSIE's colleagues on the View appear to back her over TRUMP, TRUMP reveals that BARBARA WALTERS has not always been such a supporter of ROSIE.]
TRUMP:
Barbara is my friend
A good friend, I should say
So it did not surprise me
When she called me up one day
It was quite enlightening
When she began to speak
She insulted Rosie's bearing
Her talent, her physique
She said she's hard to work with
She said she likes to fight.
Did I mention the Apprentice,
Which premieres on Sunday night?
[BARBARA denies the account.]
BARBARA:
It isn't twue
Thewe's no twuth in it
Mw.Twump,
You wait one minute!
Wosie is my colleague
I'm so pwoud of ouw show
That's the gospel, Mw. Twump
I think that you should know
Youw lies fill me with sowwow.
Watch the View tomowwow.
[The bad blood between the three worsens. TRUMP sends a letter to ROSIE at the View. ROSIE attacks TRUMP online. BARBARA backs ROSIE up on the air. TRUMP maligns BARBARA further. As the controversy rages, all three, unbeknownst to the public, meet aboard Trump’s gold-plated hydrofoil.]
TRUMP:
Hi there, gals
Are we still pals
Assuming we’re meeting
In secure locales?
[TRUMP hugs BARBARA. BARBARA motions to ROSIE. ROSIE hugs TRUMP, though she is careful not to touch his hair.]
ALL THREE:
We are fascinating people
We know that's true because
For all our wealth and power
We are best-known for our flaws
He's a jackass, she's a boor
The third one can't speak right
But we have a nice rapport
That makes everything alright.
They say it's for the ratings
But they don't know that for sure
It's possible that we are simply
Rich and immature
The public eye can only see
As far as we permit
As far as anybody knows
Our anger is legit
But it’s copacetic, fine with us,
Everything’s okay.
At least we're not a worthless whore
Like that poor Miss USA
Like that poor…Miss…U…S…A!!!
[MISS USA returns to the stage, removes her tiara, replaces it, removes it again, replaces it again. The lights fade out while she repeats the motion.]
Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction, including the forthcoming A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both. In his spare time, he sometimes writes imagined musicals about the current events of the day; previous efforts have dealt withO.J. Simpson, Mel Gibson, and steroid use in baseball.
(Photos: Getty Images)
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This entry has 47 comments: (Add your own)
-
Rob it makes me fucking sick that you posted this. You have gotten so far away from what you intended on doing in the beginning.
-
I love it all! And I'm really waiting for this musical to open on Broadway. Don't say it's just a joke. I predict full houses for this musical. J.
-
I agree with desertlynx and others who pointed out the hilarity of this situation. Listening to Rosie and Donald engage in this type of behavior reminds me of first grade: "Teacher! He took my crayon!" "Did not!" "Did too!" You're fat!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "So what! You're stupid!" "Am not!" "Are too!" My comment to both of them, "GROW UP!" On the, other hand, they are both getting a lot of free publicity for their shows. The poetry in the "Musical" had me ROFLMBO! And that's not a bad thing.
-
Rose looks like Monica Lewensky. Has Walters changed lifestyles???? Trump hollers YOUR FIRED!!!
1/15/07 5:13 PM
All our Best, Randi
MR Trump, You have been blessed with tons of money,and wonderful children ,I have lost count how many from each wife sorry, you do work very hard no one ever
said you didn't but sir you scare that crap out of the little kids,with your yelling and finger pointing lightin up life is hard out here in the real world.