Minister of Culture | Deleting Celeb Sex Tape

- Memorandum-

To: Celebrity Sex Tapes
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: Run, Don't Walk

I hereby inform you that your permit has been terminated.

During the last few weeks, while removing Giant Lawn Snowglobes and New Year's Resolutions from our cultural pantheon, it was brought to my attention that a large segment of the population pretty much just went blind.

The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from really bad acting.

The Celebrity Sex Tape (not to be confused with the Celebrity Trampoline Accident Tape) -- a recent cultural phenomenon that was suggested by the Rat Pack's Peter Lawford, initiated by 'Hogan's Heroes'' Bob Crane, popularized by Pamela Anderson and categorically ruined by 'Saved by the Bell''s Dustin Diamond -- has now officially replaced Guest Appearances on 'Charmed' as the certified last resort for D-list celebs. And while I can appreciate the fact that our visionary government allows these undeniable rights of free expression, I just need to say, ew.

In 1867, President Abraham Lincoln, in a speech to the United Federation of Bisquick Users, said, "You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool Willie Aames fans." Which no one will argue. But my point, you see, is that Celebrity Sex Tapes not only agitate our fame-obsessed minions, not only corrode our impressionable youth, but we're all having searing nightmares of Colin Farrell's bottom. See? Even Pizza Patron won't take our money.

(Chris Corder, AOL)

Now, look. I realize that some celebrities have no control over these exposures; like Daniela Cicarelli, the Brazilian model and FootSmart Bunion Comforter spokeswoman who was recently caught on camera while having intercourse around noon on a Saturday on a public beach waving nautical flags. Or Pamela Anderson, who filmed intimate moments with Brett Michaels of Poison, Tommy Lee of Motley Crue and (the lesser known) Dr. Teeth of The Electric Mayhem and stored the tapes in an undisclosed location known as Blockbuster. Or Kim Kardashian who is (a) vehemently denying she made a sex tape while (b) selling it for a million dollars. I mean, it better have a Jackie Chan fight sequence.

But, regardless, for too long have I sat back while the hardworking men and women of this country have been verifiably fazed from their daily productiveness while the likes of Barbara Walters, Katie Couric, Mike Holmgren, Condoleeza Rice, General Wesley Clark, Stephen Hawking -- wait, sorry, wrong list... while the likes of Paris Hilton, Rob Lowe, R. Kelly, Kelsey Grammer, Tonya Harding, Scott Stapp and others make movies with production values that offer no soundtrack, poor lighting, few props and a total of zero caveman costumes.

On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, thank you for giving us something to help promote abstinence in high schools.

Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture

WARNING: Steve Jobs' Turtlenecks, Confrontational T-Shirt Slogans, Willie Aames and Boris Vallejo's Worst Nightmare. The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.

The Minister of Culture is brought to you by B. Brandon Barker, FEED contributor and author of Operation EMU.

-- THE MINISTER OF CULTURE ARCHIVE --

Tags: minister of culture, celeb sex tape

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This entry has 10 comments: (Add your own)

#10 Comment from johnmac665
1/11/07 11:58 PM | Permalink

While the Minister of Culture has banned Celebrity Sex Tapes here on AOL, there is a spin. The spin zone includes celebrity businesses and television shows, well known and famous places and their women.

Playboy: Women of Enron (2002)
Playboy: Women of Fear Factor (2005)
Playboy: Women of Starbucks (2003)
Playboy: Women of Wal-Mart (2004)
Playboy: Girls of McDonald's (2005)
Playboy: Girls of the Hard Rock, Hotel & Casino Las Vegas (2001)

Power of Love -- Huey Lewis & The News : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLB0ODP8QIc

So, once again we have the public pursuit of pleasure and then do not forget to protect your computer, for viruses are everywhere and even hide at online celebrity sex sites: remember do not forget your protection.
#9 Comment from johnmac665
1/11/07 11:06 PM | Permalink

There is the famous Tiffany [Darwish] who got a singing career by singing at malls, and she was a bubblegum pop princess.

She appeared in Playboy, April 2002, and this teenager idol with a singing career showed the world her beauty talents.

Tiffany -- I Think Were Alone Now : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52k9gGgpy8A

There is the other bubblegum pop princess that gained a singing career Debbie Gibson who appeared in Playboy, March 2005, and showed the world her beauty.

She was also interviewed by Fox News about it "Deborah Gibson Poses Nude, Talks to FOX," 20 February 2005 by MacCallum: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,148164,00.html .

Debbie Gibson -- You're The One That I Want : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4xZ8g_1yvI

In both celebrity cases, responsibility is taken, and they made no secret about love.
#8 Comment from johnmac665
1/11/07 10:31 PM | Permalink

Another celebrity outed was former church secretary Jessica Hahn who reportedly had a sexual encounter with televangelist Jim Bakker.

Jessica Hahn went on to fame that included several Playboy magazine pictorials and videos, such as the Playboy: Celebrity Centerfold -- Jessica Hahn (1992), and such as the September 1988 Playboy.

This was big news as a televangelist organization was taken down for betraying trust and hypocrisy. Once again we are back at hypocrisy, so the public promotes it, but shames the hypocrisy.

Responsibility is an issue, and Madonna by comparison has taken responsibility for her actions, including when she sold her naked self before she became famous: you know, be famous or just be a whore, and she went for fame without reservation, a real fighter.

And, Jessica Hahn did not hesitate to take advantage of her fame in her church shame, so she remade herself and opened up her shapely character to the world.

Sam Kinison -- Wild Thing (with Jessica Hahn) : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S09auxb1WY
#7 Comment from johnmac665
1/11/07 9:57 PM | Permalink

Madonna published her book titled "Sex" in 1992 and this shows yet another celebrity showing sexuality beyond the stage.

So, once again, is society playing a double standard of it is fine as long as it is published on purpose for all to see, but a shame when you try to hide it for your personal use? The wicked twist is important, because it looks like the public wants a committee review while disrespecting themselves. This is a real issue as society pursues the bait, allow, and shame tactics against each other.

This is our public and it is a question of morality, because when legal pursuits are made in sexuality it is in defiance of our published media, and this important where not everything goes. So there are true legal questions of time and place, when and where, how, why, what, and who. The movie channels publish sexuality without end, and it is just amazing.

Hypocrisy is so common that it is a wonder of when you can meet someone who does not lie and put on those twists to truth as we allow and shame.

It is interesting that Madonna's sex book was sold in Blockbuster video, for it was video recordings that changed the U.S. morality and propelled the entertainment industry to greater heights of wealth.

Queen of Hearts -- Juice Newton : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-TwiTWURQ8
#6 Comment from johnmac665
1/11/07 9:33 PM | Permalink

This is correct Rosie O'Donnell sex tape was the film Exit to Eden. So, is it ok if it is private versus a formal production? There are stereotypes and hypocrisy being played out here, so when does it begin and end?

The other Saved by the Bell character Elizabeth Berkley did the film Showgirls with nudity and sexuality. It is still broadcast this last year 2006.

So, is society playing a double standard of it is find as long as it is broadcast on purpose for all to see, but a shame when you try to hide it for your personal use?

I have seen so much naked butt on the Internet and through television broadcasts and recordings that I really wonder what people are really lying about, because the game is to bait, allow, and shame, and I have seen people just lie automatically because it is part of their culture, but they are still habitual lie machines because it is too often witless, you know real morons in light of their own environment that for the 21st century starts with MTV and Vh1 and then the recording industry that changed the world.

Recorders became popular in the 1980s and all U.S. morality changed with that.

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Minister of Culture | Deleting Celeb Sex Tape