Minister of Culture | Time Flies When You Monitor the Apocalypse

                                  - Memorandum -

To: The Doomsday Clock
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: Need to Push Back on This Indefinitely

I hereby inform you that your operating permit has been terminated.

During the last few weeks, while removing New Year's Resolutions and Celebrity Sex Tapes from our cultural pastures, it was brought to my attention that a large swath of the population (including, but not limited to, atomic scientists) needs to, you know, chill.

But before you say, "Oh you ignoramus," or "Oh you're just upset that they rejected your proposal for the Doomsday Toaster," please stop for a minute and realize, yeah maybe a little.

The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from incredibly huge buzzkills.



The Doomsday Clock, launched in 1947 by the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, is a symbolic timepiece predicting mankind's proximity to the point in time when Ming the Merciless finally defeats Flash Gordon and we're all forced to wear gold nylon jumpsuits. Simple and spare -- and monitored by the accounting firm of Brooks & Dunn -- the clock face, affixed to a laminated foam posterboard, depicts a dual-colored Earth with subliminal silhouettes of Mindy and Tootie,respectively, from 'Facts of Life.'

Whenever an issue of devastating proportions arises (or whenever someone writes an Amazon.com review for 'The Purpose-Driven Life') somewhere a guy with a comb-over pauses 'The Man Show,' gets off the couch, does one of those Tim Conway shuffle-walks across the room, raises the minute hand and makes it impossible for us to enjoy the Stock-Picking Monkey anymore. And while I realize that humanity today faces an unprecedented assortment of cataclysmic threats, I just need to ask, does the canceling of 'The O.C.' amount to nothing?

Because think about it. According to the Doomsday Clock Measurement System, sponsored by Homeschoolers for Bush, certain epidemics move us minutes closer to our proverbial midnight, like,

Widespread Nuclear Proliferation = +1min
Major Climate Shifts = +1min

while others --

Warren Beatty's Golden Globes' Speech = undefined
David Lee Roth's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction = undefined
Josh Hartnett = undefined

-- demonstrate a verifiable lack of consistency. Leading my office to question such unchecked audacity, such unbridled pessimism; an overly focused apocalyptic dismay that chills us all to the bone and really threatens to steal the thunder from Apple's critically acclaimed iPhone interface.

Therefore I order this so-called Doomsday Clock to immediately account for the true positives that should give our people hope, for example:

The Weapons-for-Giant-Rabbits Program = -1min
Carolina TopCats Buddy System T-Shirt = -2mins
Road House, The Musical = -5mins

On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, see you guys at the annual Atomic Scientist Mardi Gras Mixer.

Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture

WARNING: Keith Urban's Jeans, Paula Abdul's Pharmacist, Shoe Mirrors, Stock-Picking Monkeys, Cheerleader Terrorism and The Doomsday Toaster. The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.

The Minister of Culture is brought to you by B. Brandon Barker, FEED contributor and author of Operation EMU.

                   -- THE MINISTER OF CULTURE ARCHIVE --

Tags: doomsday clock, minister of culture

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This entry has 2 comments: (Add your own)

#2 Comment from lasvgraywolf
1/21/07 4:50 AM | Permalink

I have study for many years the results of research from all the sources of information relating to the earth and the universes and I have a theory, which is as follows:

The study of the earth indicates that there is a large energy source at the center of the earth.
Going beyond the earth into the solar system we find little or no organic mass including on earth.
Going beyond the solar system we find suns being born and suns dieing.
When we look at the percentage of organic mass to that of the whole mass of the universe, we must realize that it is such a small percentage that it is a number so small that it negligible witch
Therefore it must be conclude that the universe, contrary to the believe of man was created for another reason then to create organic mass.
I theorize that the universe was created as a power generator for a space 10000 to a 100000 larger then the universe.
The energy is being extracted through the block holes for use in this space, (we could call it the first space or any name that fits) and the things that are using this energy, that is what we must try to find out
#1 Comment from internetional73
1/18/07 4:24 PM | Permalink

Adults are just big children. Anyone want to play King Of The Hill?

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Minister of Culture | Time Flies When You Monitor the Apocalypse