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Minister of Culture | Noah's Arc Didn't Exist
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Thursday, February 15, 2007
- Memorandum-
To: The Doomsday Seed Vault
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: You're Scaring the Lemmings
I hereby inform you that your building permit has been terminated.
During the last few weeks, while removing Celebrity Sex Tapes and The Doomsday Clock from our cultural repertoire, it was brought to my attention that, to the north of our great continent, a group of Norwegian biochemists are messing around with a 100-foot Tungsten Carbide mining drill.
The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from inadequate Apocalypse preparation.
The Doomsday Seed Vault (not to be confused with The Doomsday Five-Star Hotel and Casino) -- a project started by Norway's Global Crop Diversity Trust -- is founded upon the age-old philosophy that, the morning after a full-scale nuclear fallout, the people of Earth will awake wearing overalls and John Deere caps, chewing Levi-Garrett with red bandanas in their back pockets. Which you never know.
Concerned primarily with the effect of climate change on biological diversity and future food production (and secondarily with defending Mary J. Blige against haters) the Global Crop Diversity Trust has procured a giant rock in Longyearbyen on the Arctic island of Svalbard -- a stone's throw from Superman's crystal ice lair -- to build a solid-steel, climate-controlled vault in which to store 100,000 varieties of rice, 3 million varieties of seed and 63,675 Chia Pets. And while I can appreciate any endeavor that forever immortalizes squash, I just need to say, you guys totally forgot to put a foosball table in here.
Designed specifically to withstand such worldwide catastrophies as the melting of Antarctica and The Police Reunion Tour, the vault will be located nearly 400 feet underground, and will feature a tunnel leading to two air-tight storage chambers, neither of which are carpeted, neither of which will feature an infinity pool or a decent place to smoke a cigar. See? Even Wrestling Dads are ashamed.
Because seriously, for too long have I woken in a cold sweat following nightmares of The Last Day on Earth, when myself and fellow cabinet members such as the Minister of National Anthems and the Minister of Missing Churches are summoned in the middle of the night and given our choice of luxury vehicles and whisked away to the Doomsday Seed Vault; and the doors are shut, clamped and fire rains down on the world outside and I look around me and there's nothing -- nothing but poppy seeds and sesame seeds and peppercorns and coriander and vanilla bean pods -- and they like completely forgot my case of Macallan 18-year single malt scotch.
On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, please do not forget what plants crave.
Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture
WARNING: The New Radiation Symbol, The Police Reunion Tour, Setting Prince on Fire, and Easy Bake Ovens. The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.
The Minister of Culture is brought to you by B. Brandon Barker, FEED contributor and author of Operation EMU.
-- THE MINISTER OF CULTURE ARCHIVE --
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Minister of Culture | Noah's Arc Didn't Exist
- Memorandum-
To: The Doomsday Seed Vault
From: The Minister of Culture
Re: You're Scaring the Lemmings
I hereby inform you that your building permit has been terminated.
During the last few weeks, while removing Celebrity Sex Tapes and The Doomsday Clock from our cultural repertoire, it was brought to my attention that, to the north of our great continent, a group of Norwegian biochemists are messing around with a 100-foot Tungsten Carbide mining drill.
The Minister of Culture is dedicated to protecting the citizens of America from inadequate Apocalypse preparation.
The Doomsday Seed Vault (not to be confused with The Doomsday Five-Star Hotel and Casino) -- a project started by Norway's Global Crop Diversity Trust -- is founded upon the age-old philosophy that, the morning after a full-scale nuclear fallout, the people of Earth will awake wearing overalls and John Deere caps, chewing Levi-Garrett with red bandanas in their back pockets. Which you never know.
Concerned primarily with the effect of climate change on biological diversity and future food production (and secondarily with defending Mary J. Blige against haters) the Global Crop Diversity Trust has procured a giant rock in Longyearbyen on the Arctic island of Svalbard -- a stone's throw from Superman's crystal ice lair -- to build a solid-steel, climate-controlled vault in which to store 100,000 varieties of rice, 3 million varieties of seed and 63,675 Chia Pets. And while I can appreciate any endeavor that forever immortalizes squash, I just need to say, you guys totally forgot to put a foosball table in here.
Designed specifically to withstand such worldwide catastrophies as the melting of Antarctica and The Police Reunion Tour, the vault will be located nearly 400 feet underground, and will feature a tunnel leading to two air-tight storage chambers, neither of which are carpeted, neither of which will feature an infinity pool or a decent place to smoke a cigar. See? Even Wrestling Dads are ashamed.
Because seriously, for too long have I woken in a cold sweat following nightmares of The Last Day on Earth, when myself and fellow cabinet members such as the Minister of National Anthems and the Minister of Missing Churches are summoned in the middle of the night and given our choice of luxury vehicles and whisked away to the Doomsday Seed Vault; and the doors are shut, clamped and fire rains down on the world outside and I look around me and there's nothing -- nothing but poppy seeds and sesame seeds and peppercorns and coriander and vanilla bean pods -- and they like completely forgot my case of Macallan 18-year single malt scotch.
On behalf of the U.S. Culture Ministry staff and the citizens of America, please do not forget what plants crave.
Sincerely,
The Minister of Culture
WARNING: The New Radiation Symbol, The Police Reunion Tour, Setting Prince on Fire, and Easy Bake Ovens. The Minister of Culture is watching you. Come back Next Thursday for the Minister of Culture's next termination.
The Minister of Culture is brought to you by B. Brandon Barker, FEED contributor and author of Operation EMU.
-- THE MINISTER OF CULTURE ARCHIVE --
thefeedblog at 2:18:00 PM EST Blog about this entry |
Add to del.icio.us | digg this
This entry has 3 comments: (Add your own)
-
Windsor --
Everyone knows you're JohnMac, so why hide? Log in as JohnMac665 and put it on display. God Bless the United States of America and the Northern Hemisphere. -
Ironically, I was thinking about the Doomsday Seed Vaults the other day. I learned civil defense in grade school with some Cold War films. And, the reality is the United States needs a civil defense that is effective, but it needs to be able with withstand time of not being used. My father once owned one of the few civil defense shelters of a medical community, and he was upset, because he was the only one for miles, and his plan was to shut down, because we could not take the general population: except for the few people present who would become quick friends. The Cold War is real, and nuclear missiles still populate China and Russia even though our relationships have improved, and the United States shall continue to get peace within the States through strength, including by military means. The modern issues with Islam highlight underdeveloped cultures who are hostile to the American Way of Life, and they just discovered missiles and mostly by Western World education, but those past spear throwers really do mean jihad as part of Islamic faith. The United States has every right to find ways and means to survive for the future.
2/20/07 7:30 AM