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Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The advertising industry today faces a shocking statistic: no one -- not even 'Two and a Half Men' viewers --watches commericals anymore. With such tools as TiVo and pop-up blockers allowing us to phase them out, ads (including those featuring talking animals) are suffering an onslaught of widespread indifference. To counter, some agencies are turning to what they call 'Seamless Integration', using less traditional vehicles for pitching products. And what better avenue than by targeting media's most ubiquitous and profitable receptacle: that's right: the novel. With companies like Lexus and Electrolux paying handsomely for novels that prominently feature their products, it is expected that writers might just be forced to turn that coming-of-age tale about Boston's Southside into, well, 'The Applebee's Code.'
Though we here at the FEED are nowhere near financial desperation (but close!) we'd like to propose several plot synopses for novels that 'seamlessly integrate' a big-time, deep-pocketed product.
You'll Never Find the Little Shoes in This Town Again, a Polly Pocket Novel: With a worthless degree, $9 million in college debt and a regrettable 'Woody the Woodpecker' tattoo, Sarah Evangelista-Stamos moves to New York and takes a job with a posh PR firm as nanny to the company's powerful CEO, who is actually a toddler. Using her street-smarts and ingenuity, she haphazardly handles the toddler's assorted Polly Pockets, not to mention the unwanted advancements of a handsome business associate who seems really nice but there must be something wrong with him and it's my rule not to date coworkers and oh what the hell we're in Zurich for a business meeting. One day, leaving the Polly Pockets flagship store where she had just picked up the 'Miko the Geisha With Retractable Feet' doll, she comes to the sudden realization that the Polly Pocket is whispering to her, telling her to hang electronic switchpads around the city with Polly Pockets from the popular historical series -- like 'Thunderthighs the American Indian With Sasquatch Pal' and 'Carrie from the Depression Who Sells Matches and Does Other Things' -- giving people the finger. Sarah thinks better of this and winds up marrying a wealthy man and moving to Tuxedo Park.
Operation EMU: a SureCare Adult Pull-On Novel Featuring Dasani: When deep-space telescopes discover primitive alien life in a nearby galaxy, NASA immediately conducts an experiment featuring Dasani water to see how far astronauts can drive a Buick LeSabre cross-country without using the bathroom. Meanwhile, in a crater in the desert, a low budget film crew making a caveman movie discover a buried pirates' chest filled with super-absorbent, form-fitted SuperCare Adult Pull-Ons with extra leak guards. Back at Maryland's Goddard Space Flight Center, three astronauts on heavy doses of Nightime Benadryl and Dasani are launched into space and wake up on a desolate alien planet complete with woolly mammoths, sabertooth tigers and a prehistoric community of resourceful half-naked Land's End models. What does it all mean? Buy the book now on Amazon!
The Five People You Meet in Costco, a Novel: Harvey Stamos-Stamos, who is a dead ringer for Colin Farrell, is a really good guy who doesn't make much money. But he looks good in jeans and has some sweet Timberlands. He's actually a lawyer but doesn't practice, because he hates law. So, he's smart. Recently his wife left him and he's really unlucky in love but everyone around him -- the coffee shop lady, his dentist and the local sherrif -- are all super hot chicks who often show up on his doorstep at midnight with Schnapps. But he dies. And when he wakes up he's standing in front of a shipping crate of Chips-Ahoy Family Packs which in a commanding voice tells him that Gillette Mach 4 Turbo Blades are 1/2 off if you buy a thousand. And he's psyched. Before he's allowed a shopping cart, however, he must sit around and listen to five really boring old people talk about how tough it was during the war without fresh 8oz Sliced Del-Monte Peaches in Lite Syrup, which are now complimentary when you purchase the sixty gallon bins of Titleist Pro V1 Golf Balls. Suddenly a light flashes, he wakes up and the surgeon says he's going to be okay. And she's smoking hot.
Brought to you by B. Brandon Barker, FEED contributor and author of the novel Operation EMU.
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Info Junkie |
The advertising industry today faces a shocking statistic: no one -- not even 'Two and a Half Men' viewers --watches commericals anymore. With such tools as TiVo and pop-up blockers allowing us to phase them out, ads (including those featuring talking animals) are suffering an onslaught of widespread indifference. To counter, some agencies are turning to what they call 'Seamless Integration', using less traditional vehicles for pitching products. And what better avenue than by targeting media's most ubiquitous and profitable receptacle: that's right: the novel. With companies like Lexus and Electrolux paying handsomely for novels that prominently feature their products, it is expected that writers might just be forced to turn that coming-of-age tale about Boston's Southside into, well, 'The Applebee's Code.'
Though we here at the FEED are nowhere near financial desperation (but close!) we'd like to propose several plot synopses for novels that 'seamlessly integrate' a big-time, deep-pocketed product.
You'll Never Find the Little Shoes in This Town Again, a Polly Pocket Novel: With a worthless degree, $9 million in college debt and a regrettable 'Woody the Woodpecker' tattoo, Sarah Evangelista-Stamos moves to New York and takes a job with a posh PR firm as nanny to the company's powerful CEO, who is actually a toddler. Using her street-smarts and ingenuity, she haphazardly handles the toddler's assorted Polly Pockets, not to mention the unwanted advancements of a handsome business associate who seems really nice but there must be something wrong with him and it's my rule not to date coworkers and oh what the hell we're in Zurich for a business meeting. One day, leaving the Polly Pockets flagship store where she had just picked up the 'Miko the Geisha With Retractable Feet' doll, she comes to the sudden realization that the Polly Pocket is whispering to her, telling her to hang electronic switchpads around the city with Polly Pockets from the popular historical series -- like 'Thunderthighs the American Indian With Sasquatch Pal' and 'Carrie from the Depression Who Sells Matches and Does Other Things' -- giving people the finger. Sarah thinks better of this and winds up marrying a wealthy man and moving to Tuxedo Park.
Operation EMU: a SureCare Adult Pull-On Novel Featuring Dasani: When deep-space telescopes discover primitive alien life in a nearby galaxy, NASA immediately conducts an experiment featuring Dasani water to see how far astronauts can drive a Buick LeSabre cross-country without using the bathroom. Meanwhile, in a crater in the desert, a low budget film crew making a caveman movie discover a buried pirates' chest filled with super-absorbent, form-fitted SuperCare Adult Pull-Ons with extra leak guards. Back at Maryland's Goddard Space Flight Center, three astronauts on heavy doses of Nightime Benadryl and Dasani are launched into space and wake up on a desolate alien planet complete with woolly mammoths, sabertooth tigers and a prehistoric community of resourceful half-naked Land's End models. What does it all mean? Buy the book now on Amazon!
The Five People You Meet in Costco, a Novel: Harvey Stamos-Stamos, who is a dead ringer for Colin Farrell, is a really good guy who doesn't make much money. But he looks good in jeans and has some sweet Timberlands. He's actually a lawyer but doesn't practice, because he hates law. So, he's smart. Recently his wife left him and he's really unlucky in love but everyone around him -- the coffee shop lady, his dentist and the local sherrif -- are all super hot chicks who often show up on his doorstep at midnight with Schnapps. But he dies. And when he wakes up he's standing in front of a shipping crate of Chips-Ahoy Family Packs which in a commanding voice tells him that Gillette Mach 4 Turbo Blades are 1/2 off if you buy a thousand. And he's psyched. Before he's allowed a shopping cart, however, he must sit around and listen to five really boring old people talk about how tough it was during the war without fresh 8oz Sliced Del-Monte Peaches in Lite Syrup, which are now complimentary when you purchase the sixty gallon bins of Titleist Pro V1 Golf Balls. Suddenly a light flashes, he wakes up and the surgeon says he's going to be okay. And she's smoking hot.
Brought to you by B. Brandon Barker, FEED contributor and author of the novel Operation EMU.
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This entry has 2 comments: (Add your own)
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Man-you've got to have talent. Buster, the wax, augh and there's no reality like fictional...'enlightenment'. Totally 'tide worthy'.
2/21/07 1:33 PM
Let me now begin to make my comments public. Fearing that I might exhaust my space, I will continue by posting a new entry. Accept my apologies for those readers left seated on the edge of their chairs with hands extended to hang onto to every word. Fear not, I shall, like an Army General once stated as he fled the oncoming masses of uniformed enemy soldiers, "return." That is, he said, "I shall return." (Look for continuation to appear ASAP). Thanks for your patience. Rob