From the Write

1:26:36 PM EDT

Sorry this is late, but due to a lack of room in my makeshift hurricane shelter (aka my hall closet) I simply did not have room for the computer. I mean, with me, Ms China, the dog, 21 gallons of water, 2 weeks’ worth of medication, canned goods, dog food, a can opener, blankets, flashlights, a radio, 200 batteries, and a 12 gauge shotgun to fend off the looters, where would I put the damn thing? But I did have time to think about a lot of stuff, so in no particular order, let’s begin…

I just moved again, from an apartment to a house. It’s my 17th move in 22 years (6th with the dog) and everything was fine; until I got a letter from the old apartment complex. They want $800 to replace the carpet due to “overwhelming” dog odor. Now, at this point, I should say that EVERY other place that I have lived in (including the other 5 with the dog) has either returned my deposit in full or called it even. NO ONE has EVER sent me a bill. And like any other red-bloodied American dealt an injustice, I demanded satisfaction. The apartment complex basically gave me the finger and said “pay, or else.” Once I fought off the urge to use the above mentioned 12 gauge shotgun, I delved into the contract and found out that the apartment has got everyone by the short and curlies. First, there is no legal mechanism for dispute resolution, so the apartment has no requirement to resolve the dispute. Second, if you do go to court, the apartment complex can bill you for THEIR legal fees. Third, the court system itself is no help; it costs almost as much as to file as the $800 in dispute. In fact, EVERY one I spoke with in the legal system said to pay the amount because it just wasn’t worth the hassle; so I really have no other choice but to bend over, take it like a man, and fork out the money. Note to apartment complex, I would really appreciate the benefit of a reach around. And speaking of getting the shaft…

Did you see that Russia got a new bitch? Georgia. I haven’t felt this uncomfortable about a series of misfortunate events since first watching that infamous scene in “Deliverance” (ironically filmed in Georgia, the state). At the point of a gun, Putin really bent that Country over yelled “Squeal like a pig!” It was incredibly foolish of Georgia to enter the contested region with military force; but I don’t think anyone expected this kind of response from Russia. This may only be speculation on my part, but the brutality, and the quickness, of the response points to a Russia quickly reverting to its draconian ways of dealing with conflict. One thing, for certain, can be gleaned from this spasm of violence in Eastern Europe, Putin is firmly in charge of Russia; and that should scare you. I know it scares the other former Soviet-bloc states like Poland and Ukraine, who are afraid they will be next. And to make matters worse, the EU and NATO seem reluctant to discourage Russia from such deviant behavior in the future. Their lack of meaningful response sets the stage for further aggression on the part of Russia. We could well be seeing the beginning of the next Iron Curtain in Europe and the darkness that accompanies such oppression. And speaking of darkness…

Welcome to the dark side, Mr. Obama. We’ve been expecting you. We can make your dreams of becoming the first African-American President a reality; all you have to do is sell your soul to us, the Dark Overlords of American Politics. We do not require your first born child, a blood sacrifice or anything so dramatic. No, all you have to do to complete this mere formality is select a Washington insider to run as your VP candidate. Once that’s done, you can start selecting your paint scheme for the Oval Office; we’ll do the rest. If the media outlets are correct, then Obama will select Joseph Biden as his VP candidate. Unfortunately, Mr. Biden represents EVERYTHING that Obama has campaigned against. Sure, Mr. Biden has foreign policy experience to shore up that glaring hole in your resume, but so does McCain. If Obama had any marbles he would offer McCain a deal – the loser of the Presidential election would become VP. Of course, McCain would refuse, but the offer in itself might cast Obama in a different light. It might deflect some of Obama’s perceived arrogance, but, moreimportantly, it would be a symbolic gesture, a sign that Obama would be willing to work with the other side. It might even go a long way to help repair the damage to the relationship between the red and the blue sides of the aisle. One can only hope that Mr. Obama is sincere with his rhetoric of change but, when push comes to shove, I’m afraid that Mr. Obama will turn his back on the masses in order to secure his ambition of becoming the first African-American President of America. What a pity.

Well, that’s all for now. Tune in next week, same FTW channel, and hopefully the same FTW time.                       

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9:24:16 PM EDT

I hate to admit it, but I love watching the Summer Olympics – the pageantry of the opening ceremonies, the camaraderie forged by competition between otherwise bitter foes, the occasional back story detailing the sacrifice made by these athletes, and especially women’s beach volleyball. To me, the dispersion of such noble ideals as fairness, openness, and inclusion behind the facade of athletic competition make the Olympic Games special. So when the IOC awarded the 2008 games to China, I was a little perplexed; I mean, China is not exactly known for displaying or embracing fairness, openness or inclusion.  However, the IOC did wrest some shocking concessions from the Chinese, including a promise to allow the freedom of press during the games. Now I don’t know if the IOC really believed the Chinese or if the IOC thought that they could somehow change the Chinese, but the realist in me found the idea of Santa Claus more plausible than that of an open and free press in China. So, at that time, I had to say something is rotten in the state of China (and I don’t mean the fish head soup).

 

Over the last few years, I’ve watched as China tried to “improve” its image, with mixed results. Human rights have improved from truly medieval to somewhere in the vicinity of our industrial revolution during the late 1800’s. China also tried to improve the notoriously bad air in and around Beijing, but only to get air about as good as LA on a very bad day. So yes, the conditions are deplorable by our modern, eco-conscience standards, but it is still an improvement for China. However, the big question, in my mind, has always been - how would China handle views contrary to that of the Government during the Olympics?

 

If history was any indication (remember Tiananmen Square in 1989), then not very well. And, as a vivid reminder that dissent would not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form, China crushed the voices of reason in Tibet. A major embarrassment for any Country truly trying to transform itself into a respected World leader; but China isn’t trying to change itself. Rather, China is relying on smoke and mirrors to alter its appearance under the bright lights of the World’s stage. To that end, the opening ceremonies were a visual orgy of immense proportion and intricate detail; a spectacle, designed to shock and awe the World into submission. A glittering combination of pyrotechnics, pomp and circumstance were used as a propaganda tool to reinforce the preferred public image of China, all the while diverting the attention from the harsh reality. But it was a sham, a con job, a misrepresentation of the facts, and, just like the man hiding behind the curtain, they almost pulled it off.

 

First, the fireworks show wesaw on TV here in America was partly fabricated and digitally altered for our entertainment. Second, come to find out that cute little girl who sang the memorable song pulled an Ashley Simpson on us. That’s right; she lip-synched the whole damn thing! It seems the 7 year old girl who really sang the song was determined by some idiot in the Chinese Government not to be cute enough for the World to see. Third, scoring has been very suspect in the usual events – diving, gymnastics, and boxing – benefiting the Chinese teams of course. Forth, because of the possibility of underage girls competing on the Chinese team in gymnastics, every straight guy can’t even watch the damn thing now. How could we? I mean, we can’t picture the girls doing their routines naked like we normally do without the thought police labeling us as pedophiles, so why risk it? I guess if George Orwell was truly a visionary, he would have named is book “China 2008” instead of “1984”. Fifth, the IOC finally admitted that they agreed to a certain amount of censorship by China during the games, deaspite promises to the contrary.

 

Yes, China is destined to be a World power; the real question is – will they be a power for good or for evil?  Only time will tell, but me – I married a Chinese woman, just in case.          

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11:45:05 PM EDT

Did you here the one about the Ultra-Orthodox Jew, the wife, 5 kids, and the airport? The luggage made the trip, the duty-free stuff made the trip, but only four of the kids made the trip. I guess duty-free isn't quite what it used to be; I mean when they keep a kid as collateral and everything. The good news is that they knew where four out of five kids were - that's still better than Florida's Department of Children and Families. Don't know why, but I composed a little ditty for the family, set to the tune of the Beverly Hillibillies Theme...

Listen to our story about an Orthodox Jew
A pious man, he rarely ate pork tenderloin stew,
One day he was shootin at the Arabs,
Tripped in the mud, got a nasty case of crabs.  

But did she care, not her, no way.

Well the first thing you know he’s got a family,  
Kinfolk said "Go see Euro Disney"
Said "Eifel Tower is the place you ought to be"
So they loaded up the tribe and flew to Gay Paree

France, that is. Hairy pits, hairy legs.


Then you went and left your daughter at the Duty-Free store.  
Can’t be as bad as that sounds, but wait she was only four.
Well it’s not like she’ll remember this when she’s twenty three.  
At least that is what we are all freakin’ hoping to see.  

Home Alone, Israel style. Taste the shrimp, try the lobster!

Y'all come back now, Mazel Tov!

  

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8:28:02 PM EDT

I swear, it must be some kind of a Government conspiracy – last week a pregnant fish, this week a schizophrenic cable modem – to keep me from my appointed rant, but here I am once again a day late. However, I suppose a cable modem that wouldn’t show its true nature was apropos, considering my subject matter…

Welcome home Jehovah – excuse me – Mr. Obama! Did you have a good time on your little sightseeing trip? Can you really walk on water and turn water into wine? Tell me; is it really a dry heat in the Middle East? Did you make time in Germany for any schnitzel? Were the French their usual pompous asses? And how was the Queen Mother? How is Charles these days? Is he still attached to nasty case of hemorrhoids masquerading as his wife? Did you get me a souvenir? What’s that? You will explain all later. OK; then let me change the line of questioning…

 Are you the arrogant ass you looked like during most of your little trip? Or are you the statesman you appeared to be the rest of the time? Are you firmly grounded by your humble beginnings? Or are you the elitist many fear? Do you really have a plan to reduce dependency on foreign oil? Or are you just as clueless as everyone else in the government appears to be? Do you have a plan to fix our ailing economy? Or will you just continue to do the same old shit? Do really have a plan to repair the strained ties with Europe?  Or are you just hoping for a miracle? What’s that? People of the world look at Berlin, where a wall came down, a continent came together, and history proved that there is no challenge too great for a world that stands as one?! What kind of answer is that? It’s a beacon of hope?! What a load of crap! Please tell me something now Mr. Obama; please give me details. But most of all, please answer just ONE freaking question for us lowly Americans. Who the F**K are you?

Like the new X Files movie, I want to believe, but I am just not that naive Mr. Obama. If you want my vote, then stop with the lofty ideals and tell me how you plan to make these things a reality. If you want my support, then stop with the inspirational speeches and give me some substance. Give me facts, give me figures, give me charts, give me maps, give me written commitments. Give me a battle plan, give me a game plan, give me an agenda, give me something other than - With an eye toward the future, with resolve in our hearts, let us remember this history, and answer our destiny, and remake the world once again.  

  

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9:51:19 PM EDT

Sorry this is late, but I had a family emergency of sorts. I had just sat down at the computer, with the first glass of wine in hand, ready to unleash a mighty assault of words when… 

“Come quickly!” rang out thru the Tuesday night air. It was Ms. China, and by the tone of her voice, I knew something was amiss, but what? Was there a problem with the dog? After all, my dog is really old & I do worry about these things. Did she find a roach in the house? Nah, it wasn’t a blood curdling scream. Was that damn raccoon in the backyard again? Again, there was no blood curdling scream. I decided it would be in my best interest to abandon my creative venture and find out what was the matter.

I emerged from my office only to find Ms. China standing in the dining room and staring into the famliy room. When she noticed me, she motioned for me to come closer and, with the excitement of a 4 year-old at Christmas, Ms. China said, “Look! She’s pregnant!”

Whom, might you ask was pregnant? Her freaking fish, that’s whom! Here’s a little insight for you: as long as I have known Ms. China, she has wanted her fish to have babies. A long shot to say the least, considering Ms. China only has a simple little 5 gallon tank with a handful of generic tropical fish swimming around. Me, I’ve got a big ass tank with exotic fish and state of the art equipment, but no little fish babies. Story of my life, huh?

 Anyways, Ms. China is all excited and wants her pregnant fish separated from the other fish, now. One problem, we didn’t have the proper equipment at the house, so it was off to one of those pet superstores, and due to the hour, time was of the essence. So without any delay, I sped to the store like a NASCAR driver, just in time…to see the doors close & the lights go out. So now it was off to that 24 hour big box place that people love to hate, and yet, they still shop there… but that is a topic for another day.

I must admit, however, I was pleasantly surprised that the big W (not George, the other one) had what I needed, and like the conquering hero, I returned home with my head held high and the trophy of my mission accomplished securely stashed in the eco-unfriendly plastic bag. Once home, I had to assemble the simple device and then capture the scaled slut, err… knocked up fish - without disassembling the entire aquarium, scaring the other fish to death, or harming the above mentioned slut. After several attempts, I was able to net the promiscuous fish and place her in the maternity ward.

What’s that old saying – to the victors go the spoils? Well, Ms. China wanted to "spoil" me for my efforts. End result, I’m writing this on Wednesday to explain my absence on Tuesday; I hope you understand. But given the choice of writing or “spoiling”, I’m taking spoiling any day of the week. What guy in his right mind wouldn’t? See ya next week!     

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10:17:07 PM EDT

Well, she’s at it again! Whom, you might ask? Why my favorite local Politian/Nut Job/Racist - Crazy Daisy Lynum, that’s who! For those of you not familiar with the Politicians here in the Land of the Mouse, Crazy Daisy (the female version of Al Sharpton, just not quite as handsome) is a City Commissioner representing the historically Black (African American, or whatever term you prefer) District of Parramore. In the past, Crazy Daisy has caused her share of controversy, both in deeds and words. Some of you may remember, Crazy Daisy and her son (Juan) were the subject of a posting I made 2 years ago regarding their actions during a routine traffic stop

 That whole incident started when Juan was pulled over at 1 AM with a broken headlight in a part of town known for its rampant drug activity. Rather than find out WHY he was pulled over, Juan called Daisy, who then called the Chief of Police (at home, no less) and other well-placed officials demanding an explanation as to why her son was pulled over. At the time, Crazy Daisy defended herself by saying (and I quote) “I just didn’t want some white boy shooting my son or tazing him.” So we are then led to believe that Crazy Daisy would have been fine if a Black (African American or whatever term you prefer) Officer had pulled over her son instead. How racist is that? Anyways, as a result of her involvement, Crazy Daisy is now being investigated by the State Ethics Commission for alleged abuse of power.

This time, however, Crazy Daisy is taking aim at an inanimate object - a 1930’s photograph photo hanging in the restaurant of a local golf course. The photo in question, is that of a White (honky, cracker or whatever term you prefer) golfer and his caddy, who just so happens to be a barefoot Black (African American or whatever term you prefer) kid. Crazy Daisy, who admits that she hasn’t even seen the photo yet, finds this to be racially offensive and has demanded that the picture be removed. According to Crazy Daisy, the photo harkened back to a more discriminatory time. What?! It’s just a freaking period photo of a golfer and his caddy! Never mind the fact that the photo in question is just one of many period photos depicting the history of this storied course; a course where the golf legends Ben Hogan and Sam Snead played. Never mind the fact that the photo in question has been hanging on the wall for at least 20 years. Using her logic, all those photos of me running around barefoot as a kid, while other kids wear shoes, are somehow offensive. Using her logic, since I find Abraham Lincoln’s stove pipe hat repulsive, it’s quite alright for me to demand all pictures of Honest Abe in the “offensive” hat be pulled from public display.

Now if the photo had a banner saying “The 1930 KKK Invitational” in it, or if the frame were made out of a confederate flag, or there was a burning cross on the putting green, then I could see her point. But sight unseen, and without the proper context or research, Crazy Daisy has suddenly become the Judge of what is and what is not racially offensive in Orlando?! I’m sorry, but, in my eyes, she loses all credibility on the subject of racially offensive after her white boy comment.

Thankfully, cooler heads have prevailed. Byron Brooks, the city’s chief administrative officer, who just so happens to be Black (African American or whatever term you prefer), has looked at the photo and determined that it is not racially offensive. The photo is once again destined to hang on the restaurant wall for years to come. It’s amazing how just taking the time to view the facts/photo, before making a snap decision, resolves the issue before it even becomes one; but people like Crazy Daisy don’t operate that way. No, people like Crazy Daisy shout “THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!” when it’s just a freaking acorn.             

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6:08:14 PM EDT

Sorry about last week, but we’ve been playing Inn Keeper for Ms. China’s (my better half) family. I haven’t had a chance to read my email, keep up on current events (and you know what a news junkie I am) or even touch my keyboard because someone’s been living in my home office. In fact, if computers had feelings, mine would be feeling very neglected right about now. It’s alright baby, Daddy’s back…

So two weeks ago, we took a little trip to Savannah. Now, I’ve been to Savannah a few times, but I have never taken any of the plethora of tours available. You see, I have always found those touristy things to be a little (OK, let’s be honest – a lot) on the corny side. Maybe that’s because I live in the shadow of the Mouse, and I see the tourists for what they really are – a nuisance. However, since Ms. China had never been to Savannah before, we decided to give it a try.

Now, everyone I spoke with insisted that we take the trolley tour and the ghost tour. I was a little skeptical, but I figured what the Hell. Our first morning there, we got up and headed down to Trolley Central (AKA The Savannah Visitor’s Center). We hopped on the nearest trolley and sped off on a 90 minute whirlwind tour of downtown Savannah. To my surprise, the tour was informative and, as much as I hate to admit it, interesting. So next up on our tourist agenda – the ghost tour.   

Filled with hope, we show up at the appointed time, 7 PM. And from the start, I knew this was a bad idea. First off, I felt like I was invading enemy territory – what with the Liz Phair contingent all around me. The tour group was composed of girls: some young, some old, and some that looked more like a man than me. On a side note, there was one other guy on the tour; but I’m pretty sure that he wasa post-op she. Secondly, I was expecting someone like Stephen King, or maybe even Tom Clancy: a master story teller with the ability to spice up mundane facts with panache. Instead, we ended up with the female version of Ben Stein, on a bad day. Hell, watching paint dry would have been more interesting.

I will go back to Savannah some day, and might even try another ghost tour, but if I ever see that woman again, I’ll go screaming into the night. Mind you, not because of the ghosts!   

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10:00:26 PM EDT
I'm on vacation, will tell you all about it - next week.

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8:39:28 PM EDT

Ah, the thrill of victory (my move was more successful than the Iraqi War plan, but alas, I’m still working on my exit strategy as well) & the agony of da feet (and back, and neck, and knees, and ankle, and so on, and so on)! But at last, I have a little time to spend bitching, moaning, and complaining about the World we live in and life in general…

Speaking of defeat, boy did Big Dud blow it down the backstretch or what? It was hard for me to watch a once proud champion be soooo humbled by a lesser competitor. I wish I could say that it was hard to watch because of the obvious assault on the dignity of the deposed champ; but I’m shallow, and I just can’t get past that damned horse face. I’m talking about Hillary, of course. Did you think I meant that other big, dumb animal?

And let’s not forget the winner either. Congratulations, Mr. Obama; you’ve just won the Democratic nomination for Presidential candidate, now what are you going to do? If you listen to the political pundits, Obama will walk on water, part the Red Sea, and turn water into wine while on his cakewalk into the White House. And to continue with the predictions, Obama will then solve our energy crisis, end World hunger, and bring peace to all mankind (all within the 90 days of taking office). Not so fast there, sparky.

First off, this election is going to be a lot closer than either cares to admit. I know history is on the side of Obama, but I just don’t see people voting, en masse, for the radical change that Obama represents. In fact, I think it is people’s fear of change that will be Obama’s biggest challenge: not race, age, lack of experience, or the unusual sounding name. No, if Obama wants to win this thing, he will have to slug it out with McCain. And as a man who spent around 5 years in a North Vietnamese prison camp being tortured, McCain knows a little something about how to fight this kind of war.

If Obama were smart, he should offer McCain the following deal – loser of the general election would become the Vice President. Despite their obvious age difference and that little Iraq War thing, McCain & Obama are not that far apart. OK, you can stop laughing now & just humor me for a minute. McCain is white, Obama is half-white. Both are Senators, both are married to a rather private woman, both speak English, both are men, the similarities are uncanny. In fact, I heard that Oliver Stone is making a movie exploring the conspiracy theory surrounding the relationship between Obama and McCain. According to my sources, Obama was actually found floating in a reed basket clutching a McCain dog tag. (Guess we now know where the media gets the whole Biblical reference thing for Obama.) And because of this revelation, I hear Oliver is quite convinced that Obama really is McCain’s long lost illegitimate son. The film is, as of yet, officially untitled, but I understand the working title is “McCain: Obama Baby Papa”. The scheduled release date is January 2009 (a coincidence, I think not).  

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8:27:03 PM EDT
OK, it's moving time again & I'm a little annoyed right now, but I haven't had time to write anything so catch ya next week.

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