Beneath the Surface

9:43:57 PM EDT
Feeling Annoyed

Parole Officer!

Yup, those are my two words.  Between the heat, the shopping, and the vermin return I was in a great mood when I went to take the trash out tonight and the teenagers in my neighborhood were the victims of my wrath.  Okay, it was not undeserved.  Let me just say that much in my defense. 

So, let's start from the beginning,right?  Right!  Okay, I woke up this morning, got dressed and headed off to do some shopping.  Mom needed to get some clothes for a wake tonight so she, Tiff,Collin and I went to Wally World after breakfast.  Now let me explain something here.  I didn't know I had bad taste but apparently I do.

Dang, no one told me.  I was in sore need of some summer clothes so I browsed a bit and found some cool tan shorts, a cute blue tank, a gray happy bunny tank and some cool shoes for my uncle upcoming wedding this weekend. 

They are funky ballet flats in black with a Mary Jane strap.  Very funky!  We cashed out and mom decided we should finish the shopping. Dots is this great little local store with tons of funky clothes in all sizes.  Now I should tell you by this point Tiff found nothing at Walmart!  I think I should explain my sister. 

She's in denial.  Tiff was sickly skinny when she was a teenager and then after she had Austin she dropped her baby weight within days.  Seriously!  I guess the stress of finding yourself suddenly single can do that after you plan on marriage, forever and all that jazz!  This being said the baby weight now has been a bit slower to come off and in fact I think Tiff has managed to steadily gain over the year.

Unfortunately, she can't seem to accept her situation.  Basically, it's this.  She is in the same size clothing as me.  According to her due to her teeny boobs and her bigger backside she can't seem to find clothes that fit.  This was what she said at Walmart and then at Dots.  Look, I'm trying to be understanding but her comments became mildly insulting as she continued about not being able to find clothes when I managed to find 2 pairs of pants, three tanks and a really cute tee-shirt!

She claimed that I knew my body because I've been this size,"like forever!"  You know what permit me to explain something.  I'm not big!  I'm a size 18 in pants and an XL or smaller in shirts.  I've dropped 10 pounds and I thought I had okay taste.  I find it amazing that Tiff was incapable of finding clothes that fit when I had such an easy time.  Her response was,"Well, you don't care how you look so it makes it easier!"

Look, I've had those,"Oh, my gracious I have nothing to wear moments." but I never get ticked at someone else.  So, I get home and I have my outfits.  I have a tan pair of cargo shorts, my happy bunny tank, my blue jersey knit tank, my shoes, and from Dots I found a pair of black Capri's for my uncle's wedding, this funky looking long tunic style purple tank with a pink top, and this really cool white tee-shirt with a black corset drawn on it. 

I think I did pretty well but after Tiff's little rant in the car mom decides to take her to the mall to buy some clothes.  Let me just say I didn't think it would be this bad.  I mean I had Collin, he was taking a nap, the house was quiet, and I had just settled in to watch Oprah.  Ahh...peace.

Then the phone rings.  My gram handed over all of her paper work,regarding her funeral and will, to my mother.  Now I'm not picking at Gram but she has this nasty habit of putting people in the middle of the situations.  She can never have my aunts and my mother getting along.  It pains her if they do so I was not surprised when she told me she got in an argument with my Aunt Flower.

I told her I had to go change Collin.  He was soaked and awake so it wasn't a lie but the fact was I did not want into the middle of this.  I had just put a dry diaper on Collin and snapped the first tag into place when the phone rings again.  It's my other aunt. 

She asks for my mom and I tell her,"Mom's out with Tiff and Austin." 

She says to have my mom call her.  Okay, fine!  All hell's broken loose.  I settled in regardless, went to unlock the door for my dad, and watched the rest of Oprah.  By sheer dumb luck the topic was death and the guests were a model who has terminal cancer as well as Randy Pausch, the professor from Carnage Melon, diagnosed with cancer as well. 

All this death around me.  I felt I needed some support so I got on the phone with Dizzy.  He reassured me that I look beautiful no matter what and told me jokes until I was laughing.  It was at this point Tiff and mom came home and I jokingly said to my mom,"Oh, you owe me so big!"  I fill her in and she calls my aunt. 

My aunt basically says what I said.  Gram's at it again.  After my dad leaves to go to work we order dinner and just kick back.  I go into my room to get my shoes and I see something scurry across my floor.  ANOTHER ONE?!

This one's brown!  What the heck?  I freaked, slammed the door shut and left the room in a quick little hurry!  I sat down and relaxed a bit more before I cleaned the kitchen, did some other stuff but then came my altercation with the neighborhood brats.  See, I had to bring the fan box out to the street and when I did I left it out there and when I came back with another trash bag one of the kids picked it up and threw it at another kid!

It nearly hit me and I had swerve to avoid it. All that drama today with Tiff, all the drama with Gram and all this talk of death.  I snapped.  The kid says the other one started it and I said the police could finish it.  I won't tell you the little rodent's response but basically he told me I could do something to him that well...frankly I...I think you get it,right? 

I told him,"Not in a million years." and he said he had two words for me.  I know where that was leading and my,my it's so original!  I mean that phrase has been around since before I left high school!  Possibly junior high!  So, I told the kid he could do that to me.  He's like,'but you don't have anything!'

I got back upstairs and I thought to myself when the moron said,"I have two words for ya." I should've said,"Yeah, I have two for you! Parole officer. You'll probably have one someday." 

Isn't it terrible how comments come to you when you least expect them and you can't get them back?

Oh, well, no vermin and Dizzy's working late. 

I'm annoyed! 

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12:25:55 AM EDT
Feeling Nostalgic
Hearing Austin by: Blake Shelton

Sometimes it just amazes me how much Austin and Collin look alike. Anyway, today we hit a milestone with Austin but allow me a moment to reminisce.  I still remember the day Austin was born.  The memory, the emotion is as clear as if it happened yesterday instead of 6 years ago. 

I have a catalogue of memories of all the first achievements.  The first time he crawled, the first time he spoke, his first seizure, the first time he said,"I love you.", his first Halloween, he was a giraffe in case you're wondering, his first bite of ice cream, butter crunch and he hated it, his first bath, the first time he got sick, his first days of school and the list continues on.  Still, today was another first.

I should tell you my godson is a quiet child.  Very rarely does he demand things from us.  This milestone was no exception!  For the last few days Austin was complaining his teeth were hurting.  Tiff and I both figured on a molar but nope.  We're all sitting around....sweating....while mom and dad go to cash the stimulus check when Austin runs to Tiff and says,"Mommy,look."

I'm sitting in the other room,watching Dr. Phil, when I hear her asking him,'Where's your tooth?"  WHAT?!  TOOTH?!  I'm silently praying he didn't swallow it.  I come out and Tiff is flipping.  She finally gets Austin to tell her that he spit the tooth into the couch.  Austin's mouth is a bit on the bloody side, okay that and he's been drinking red juice, so I do a quick once over and then I look at the tooth.

It was so teeny that I needed a magnifying glass but no roots so that sucker was due to come out.  Tiff and I are so excited.  We're jumping around, high fiving each other, high fiving the boys, and basically acting like total goober idiots.  Our excitement makes Austin a bit nervous.  We quickly explain the tooth fairy! 

Austin hears money and it's like,"What?  She buys teeth?"  He's jazzed now and so are we.  He calls F.B.I.L. and wants to call my parents but Tiff and I convince him to wait.  The impact of the news is better in person.  Shortly after that my parents came home with window fans.  Thank you,God!  So, Tiff runs down to help and Austin decides he must surprise his ma,he means grandma, and papa. 

It took a few minutes for them to realize what he was showing them and while Tiff was outside he tells me that he thought he did something so bad it made his teeth fall out!  "Nope,Lil Mister," I said. "just part of becoming the big boy you are." He smiled and then when my parents walked in he opened his mouth extra wide to show off. 

Mom was first to respond with,"Wow!  He lost his first tooth!" 

Dad just said it, what we all feared,"You know what this means?  We're getting old!" 

Yup!  After this mom and I went to go pick up dinner and after the boys ate and had their baths we has a frank discussion of how much cash the tooth fairy should leave our little guy!  Now I know for some the tooth fairy is a subject for debate.  Some folks have taken Santa away as well but I like it.  I think I grew up believing in magic so why not do the same with the kids? 

Now as a child I remember getting a dollar for each tooth I lost and this resulted in some debate.  Should Austin get a dollar?  Perhaps more.  My dad told a story that clinched it when he told Austin he'd left change on the desk for him and Austin said he would take just the quarters and leave the rest for Collin but only if it was quarters Collin did not need for his coin book. 

My godson is a great big brother isn't he?  So, he checked.  After hearing this we decided on five dollars but being as no one actually had the five we opted for three bucks.  We're waiting to hear him in the morning because he will be so excited.  Even though Austin is quite good with money every little bit excites him like it's the first time. 

You know I've been there for all this little boy's firsts.  The first time he spoke, the first time he did anything, and heck even the day Tiff told me she was going to name him Austin!  A lot of people have guesses as to where Tiffany got this name from.  Actually, originally she had selected the name Christian Michael Manuel but her ex, this is the only good thing he's ever given my godson, suggested that they name him after her favorite song.  Anyway, in honor of this special milestone I'm going to post a copy of the lyrics. 

<insert big,weepy,Lil Mister Man's growing up Tears here.>

                             Austin by: Blake Shelton

She left without leavin a number
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured shed gone back to austin
cause she talked about it all the time
It was almost a year before she called him up
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got

If youre callin bout the car I sold it
If this is tuesday night Im bowling
If youve got somethin to sell, youre wastin your time, Im not buyin
If its anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And p.s. if this is austin, I still love you

The telephone fell to the counter
She heard but she couldnt believe
What kind of man would hang on that long
What kind of love that must be
She waited three days, and then she tried again
She didnt know what shed say,
But she heard three rings and then

If its friday night Im at the ballgame
And first thing saturday, if it dont rain
Im headed out to the lake
And Ill be gone, all weekend long
But Ill call you back when I get home
On sunday afternoon
And p.s. if this is austin, I still love you

Well, this time she left her number
But not another word
Then she waited by the phone on sunday evenin
And this is what he heard

If youre callin bout my heart
Its still yours
I shouldve listened to it a little more
Then it wouldnt have taken me so long to know where I belong
And by the way, boy, this is no machine youre talkin to
Cant you tell, this is austin, and I still love you

I still love you

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10:47:46 PM EDT
Feeling Miserable
Hearing Papa Loved Mama by: Garth Brooks

Massachusetts is in the midst of a heatwave right now.  Lovely!  Joy! Rapture!  It's so hot out there that dad finally brought our fans out but there's two problems one, we have only three and two, they aren't powerful enough to make a difference. 

Today was a prime example of what can happen when ambitious people get lazy and the heat sort of fed into it.  The boys spent much of their day in their underwear.  Collin could've gotten away with a diaper but he yanks them off so he got a pair of Austin's old underpants put over and the only time any of us really got dressed was when we absolutely had to. 

Oh, and the only time it was deamned absolutely necessary was when all of us opted to venture out for ice cream.  Mom,dad and I hopped into the Intrepid and F.B.I.L. and Tiff followed with the boys.  Destination: Dairy Maid!

Dairy Maid has been a staple of my childhood.  It's one of the only three places left open and they happen to make some of the best ice cream.  Of course that being said the place was jammed.  Luckily, the staff there is quick so despite the line almost being out in the street my dad and I got advanced pretty fast. 

Tiff and F.B.I.L. were three or four people behind us with the boys and soon we were all standing at the car eating our ice cream.  We had to eat it quick because the heat was melting it faster then we could actually keep up! 

It was nice though.  Mom got her soft vanilla, dad had frozen pudding, Tiff had orange sherbet,as did Collin, F.B.I.L. had rainbow sherbet,Austin had soft vanilla and I ordered two things.  One was an ice cream freeze and a cone of blueberry cheesecake.  The sherbet is made on the sight and unfortunately it was a bit too tangy for Collin so I wound up sharing my vanilla freeze with him! 

He loved it!

After we left the ice cream place mom,dad and I headed to Wally World.  We bought towels and stuff and then came home. I actually had a peaceful couple of hours because Tiff and F.B.I.L. went to Gram's to remove her storm windows and then came home.  About an hour later they came home and a friend of their's hadcalled.

She invited them over but Collin was exhausted.  He hadn't napped all day.  I don't get why they have such a difficult time with him. Still, I offered to watch Collin while they took Austin with them.  F.B.I.L. got on my nerves by saying how hard it was going to be to get Collin to sleep!

Yeah, right! 

A minute after they left I filled the bath tub and stuck Collin in.  When he had played and was clean I pulled him out, set him on the couch, dried him off, put powder on him and gave him his bottle.  He was out within a few minutes!  5 at the most.  Difficult?!

Please!  I'm holding back my need to laugh in F.B.I.L.'s face.  He and my sister have so much drama with the boys and my mom and I are just so cool and mellow.  Lately, Collin just seems extra bonded to me. 

Maybe it's the kindred spirit of both uf us wearing glasses and his delays but he's getting so smart now.  He says a bunch of new words, he cries for me when I leave the room and he absolutely breaks into deep, hysterical laughter when I'm playing with him!  He's such a neat little guy!

You know I always questioned if I could love him as much as I love Austin and you know what?  I really,really do! 

In other news Dizzy accepted my apology.  I am so relieved.  He's such a sweetie.  He told me tonight, on the phone, "Just give me a chance,k?  I know you've dealt with a lot but you know what?  I'm not those guys. I'm not the one who won't accept you for who you are, who will lie and cheat so give me a shot! I promise I'll try my hardest to make you happy!"

How can I say,'No!' to that? So, he's getting a chance. 

The weather is still crappy here.  It's so humid!  Anyway, now it's like 70 something so it's a bit cooler and I managed to jump into the shower myself so I'm feeling a bit better. Sadly, my face is very,very sunburnt from my trip to the t-ball game the other day.  Oh, and before any of you ask, as Dizzy did, no, I didn't use sunblock but I sat under a tree. 

Guess next week I'll remember the sunblock,won't I? 

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11:54:16 PM EDT
Feeling Confused

Simply put I made a mistake when it came to Dizzy.  What can I say?!  I assumed he was not really interested in dating me.  I assumed he might have been messing around with his ex!  You know what I assumed wrong but I didn't know that until tonight. 

Still, let's start at this morning.  I went to sleep around 2 a.m. and had to be up for 10 so I could go to Austin's t-ball game.  This game was a bit of a nail bitter because they were playing a relatively good team.  Lil Sluggers' is a team mostly comprised of second year kids and my sister's team only has three kids who played t-ball prior to this year.  We were a bit concerned that they wouldn't play well and would loose some self confidence.

Our fears were for naught.  They played extermely well. In fact, our own Lil Slugger,Austin, got the first hit of the game.  Unfortunately, I missed it because I had to run to the store, across the street, and get milk for Collin.  I got back whenAustin was on second base.  Most of the game was spent under the shade of a tree with Collin but unfortunately Tiff and F.B.I.L. forgot the sunscreen and Collin,Austin and I are charred crisp.

At the end of the game we went and got some food and came home.  I spent the next few hours trying to sleep but being crispy, having a headache and being on the verge of barfing....no,sleep wouldn't come easy!  So, at four mom and I left to go get Gram. 

She, of course, started out the evening on a rather interesting note.  As I mentioned Gram fell out of bed.  I had no idea how bad it was until we got there and she told her about the exact locations of the bruises and then continued by stating that she had gas!  I should've stayed quiet but instead I blurted out,'Why do you tell us this stuff?"

No, I was not referring to the bruises, I was, however, referring to the gas!  This is an etiquette lesson: Keep your gas to yourself.  Thanks! 

Anyway, I went to my favorite Italian place to grab dinner and ran into Diz's friend,Chunk,and boy, did I get an earful.  He told me that Dizzy was disappointed that first, I concluded that he was messing around with his ex and two, after knowing that he's training and working so hard, I would dismiss him after a few failed attempts.  Oh, and yes, he has made some attempts.

He tried to meet me a couple weeks ago at my cousin's baseball game and I forgot to call,or IM, and tell him that I was going to see my brother play instead, he has tried to change his fishing trip so he can accompany me to the wedding but the deposit is non-refundable, and this afternoon he tried to come to the house but I was at Austin's baseball game.  I mean it's not like he hasn't tried, correct and then I go an accuse him of fooling around like his ex-girlfriend did to him!

"I can tell you right now he hasn't seen hide, nor hair, of her since he broke up with her!" Chunk told me.  "He's hurt that you didn't give him a chance.  You could cut the dude some slack.  It's not like he's partying,he's working!  He's training. You know how it is!"

On the walk back I started thinking about what Chunk said.  I do know how it is to be focused on something you want really badly!  I know how that can narrow things and I always expect the people around me to support me when I'm striving towards something.  I spent most of the night examining if I did the for Dizzy.  I know he's working hard, I know he's training hard to achieve something so why am I being so demanding and closed minded? 

I've decided to continue trying to build something with this guy because if there's something there waiting for things to fall into place won't be so bad.  He's a great guy and he's trying really hard,right?  I get the feeling I should cut him a break. 

So, I e-mailed him a quick letter and apologized for being a brat.  Yeah, I've been a brat with Dizzy.  Normally, I'm easy-going,with men, relaxed and non-confrontational until they tick me off.  I would love to go out on a date with him but right now his schedule is jammed and I'm going to have to be a grown up and accept it.

Anyway, I need some Tylenol and a cold shower.  It's blistering hot here and my poor head and nose feel awful! 

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11:47:48 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing Where Would Ya Be by Martina McBride

Alison tagged everyone who reads her journal to this and I'm ready! 

8 for 8:  mp3 player shuffle: Put your IPod or MP3 on shuffle and list the first 8 songs that play.... tag 8 other people to do the same. 

1. Love has No Name by: Bable

2. So Not My Baby by: Josh Turner

3. Let it Be by: The Beatles

4. The Difference Between Medicine and Posion is the Dose by: Circa Survive

5. Love Song by: Sara Barielles

6. Where Would You Be? by: Martina McBride

7. Over You by: Daughtry

8. If You're Gonna Leave by: Emmerson Hart

Now tagging:

You!  Whoever reads this journal,get to work! 

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11:22:55 PM EDT
Feeling Rockin
Hearing Love Song by: Sara Barielles

Death talk not over today.  Oh, how I wish it were.  Still, I suppose in some ways I shouldn't expect it to let up anytime soon.  Seriously!  I won't go into the other stuff like my cousin's mother in law or my other cousin's aunt, on her dad's side, but I will fill you in on Gram.

I found the information, for the most part, on her plan to be sprinkled over Voo's grave.  1200 for the permit and a bit for the cemetery and she's not happy.  She pointed out that the Kennedy's got to pour John Jr's ashes into the ocean but she's like,"I'm not important like that so just flush me down the toilet." 

Why does she feel compelled to put my mom through this?  I mean what are we to do here?  Pour her down the hopper while singing,"Nearer my God to Thee"?  Gimme a break.  My cousin whose aunt died actually got a laugh when I mentioned my genius plan of having her, her hubby, and our smoking relatives standing over Voo's grave while mom pours the ashes.  I was glad to make her smile.

Of course the day wasn't complete death talk.  There was poo.  Collin poo and Angel poo.  You know I miss Sasha very deeply but the fact remains I'd rather clean up after Angel, but not really, then clean up after Sasha.  As far as Collin goes mom told my cousin a joke today and it's pretty accurate!

How many people does it take to change Collin's diaper?

Three but we're one short. 

My sister went to work today because the kids in her class were supposed to go to the zoo.  Unfortunately, due to some messed up weather they didn't go.  It rained much of the day and mom bought Austin as well as picked him up.  For the pick up she brought Collin and myself along.  She also stopped at the school and picked up Tiff.

We stopped and got a snack before heading home and that's when the first Angel poop took place.  My bratty dog decided, after I took her out, to conduct her business on the floor in the hallway.  Thanks!  Luckily, mom cleaned that mess up and I took a nap until it was time to cook dinner. 

The spaghetti was disappointing. The pasta was clingy, greasy and I told my mom the switch has been made.  We're now the whole wheat pasta family because it's better and healthier! The garlic bread was okay.  Dinner was peaceful until mom came out and asked to watch the Red Sox game.

Can I just say I am proud of our home teams but sheesh!  Can she just get hooked during the play-offs?  I didn't need the repeats of the Coco Crisp/Tampa Bay brawl either nor did I have any real desire to sit through Manny shoving Ukie!  Give me a break!  You make money, you get endorsement and while you may not want to be role models guess what?  YOU ARE!  Grow up!  Be mature!

Around dinner time mom started making calls to find a second pair of uniform pants for Austin for t-ball.  Can I just ask but why do the sponsors pick white one's?  White pants when these little one's are sliding into second base?  C'mon!  How about gray?  How about a different colored shirt and blue pants?  Nope! White!

Mom found a pair in Austin's size at Olympia so upon Tiff, F.B.I.L. and Austin's return we left F.B.I.L. with Collin and drove to Dartmouth to pick up his pants.  After that we ran to Wally World to pick up some other stuff like a new glove for Austin. 

Tiff has decided not to put him on the all-star team because he needs more work so she's sending three children.  I'm a bit disappointed but oh,well!  While mom was roaming around electronics I stopped to pick up two things I needed and made a beeline for pets. 

I had no intension of buying Angel a new shirt but I couldn't resist!  The one's I found, admittedly, the selection was small, were so cute I had to get her at least one!  I found one that reads,"Bad to the Bone",not really suitable for her, a hoodie that reads,"This is what spoiled looks like!", Hmmm?!, a little pink one that reads,"Little princess" and a last one that reads,"My little cupcake". 

The little cupcake one is brown with pink trim.  Very cute.  Of course the miracle was they had her size!  Angel's put on some weight since her arrival. She's so spoiled now too.  Anyway, I'll take a picture of her in it tomorrow after Austin's game at 11.

Not much else planned for tomorrow.  No word from Dizzy today whose not leaving til next week but we did talk last night and we've decided to just remain pals.  It takes the pressure off us both as far as trying to devote time to each other.  I'm a bit disappointed but I don't want him to feel obligated to hang out with me or that he's into something committed simply because I'm insisting. 

We're just going to see what happens.  It's still nice to have a guy to talk to and all but the couple thing shouldn't happen straight out of the gate anyway.  I just want to see what he's really about before we progress. 

Sensible,right?

 

 

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1:25:04 AM EDT
Feeling Naughty

1. Getting my letter from BCC! 

2. Not seeing anything rodent-y crawling through my room lately!  Maybe I'm just loosing my mind?!

3. Cleaning up and reorganizing my bookshelf!  Not a fun job but someone had to do it! 

4.  Not feeling too bad when it comes to the possibility that Dizzy and I may just be destined to be pals instead of something more. 

5.  Getting extra hugs and kisses from Austin and Collin.  (Oh,and Angel gave me some smooches too!)

6.  Speaking of Angel, her training is going very well, barring a few minor accidents, and she's really cutting loose and playing a lot more.

7. There's chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen!  Umm....milk too! 

8.  I can actually drink milk without being worried about being stuffy later.  Nice!

9. Being able to breath through my nose.  (Someone asked how I could not have noticed that I couldn't do that before but let me just say for the past I don't know how many years I had just accepted that I wouldn't be capable of getting a decent breath in so I just assumed my breathing would be screwed up forever!)

10. Spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner.  YUM! 

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12:35:48 AM EDT
Feeling Confused

I don't know what's been going on around here lately but there's been a lot of talk about death.  Okay, granted, I like to talk about other things.  Chocolate, sex, shoes,music,makeup,children, pets,ummmm...shoes,food, amusement park rides, history, Oh, and wait? Did I say shoes?  See, I definitely have my topics but death isn't on the list.

Okay, yeah the forensic stuff is but the rest of it...well, nope!  I'd like to say that I tend to view death differently.  My logic goes that life is a circle.  Death has to occur so the circle can expand.  I've been called morbid for this but I think it holds water. 

Anyway, my cousin's hubby's mom died the day before yesterday, my cousin's,that's another cousin,aunt died today and an acquaintance of mine is dying of cancer.  I guess all this talk has got Gram thinking about her eternal afterlife because she starts calling around to price funerals.

Yeah, leave it Gram to turn her funeral into a bargain hunting paradise.  She called mom three times. First, to inform us she wants to be cremated, the second time was to inform she wanted her ashes spread over my grandfather's grave, and lastly she called to tell mom she got an appointment to go to a funeral home on Thursday! 

I'm not sure what to write now but I did have a few questions about this.  First, Gram wanted to be spread over my grandfather's grave.  Is that legal?  Would the city allow it?  I did a bit of research and seemingly the answer is no!  You need a permit, permission from the cemetery, and if mom and my two aunts get caught there's a bit of trouble attached.

This being said we did come up with a few solutions.  First, I have to say this is a pretty heavy topic,k?  These suggestions were not made to be disrespectful!  We were just trying to bring some humor into a situation that we're not happy about.  I mean there was talk of generic leaf bags, flushing her down the toilet like a goldfish, and the most humorous one was probably mine.

See, I have relatives who smoke.  Actually, they smoke a lot.  So, what I'm thinking is we get my mom a big purse, poke a hole in the bottom and place Gram's ashes inside and then we have my smoking relatives stand there and mom spreads the ashes they can pretend to just be smoking!  Well, they will be smoking but you know what I mean,right?

Okay, call me crazy but it made my stressed out mom, my cranky sister and my aunt laugh!  Seriously!  Mom talked to gram and filled her in on my findings.  No word yet on a solution. 

A few other things happened around here today.  My mom ran out of gas...AGAIN!  The gas gauge on the car is not right so she actually ran out twice this week.  Once with me in the car with her, and I had to walk to Hathaway Gas station, and then tonight, mind you it was 11:50 when I started this, with Austin and Tiff. 

Mom thought I should mention this so that Dawn over at Carpe Diem would feel better about the battery going dead in her car!  When mom got home we ate dinner, Chinese from China Lantern, and I just kicked back.  I had a brief conversation with Dizzy.  I don't know what we're doing.  I want to yell but I'm not sure what to yell so I just shut up.

At any rate apart from my allergies being a lot,lot better I also am elated to announce that I got my letter from BCC letting me know I got my financial aid award.  It's probably the most money I've ever gotten from them.  Once I fill out my insurance waiver I should have a nice bit of cash left over! 

Guess that's it.  Later I have to bring Austin to school and I'm hoping to clean some of the house.  Maybe all this death chatter will let up by the weekend, I doubt it!, but we'll see. 

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12:22:00 AM EDT
Feeling Stressed
Hearing Old Town New by: Tim McGraw

Ever have one of those days when your stomach is sitting up in your throat?  Yeah, I'm having one and I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's a disagreement I had with Dizzy over my dealing with my sister the way I did, or perhaps because I seem to be getting a lot of family news all at once and I'm just trying to slowly process it but the minute I get it something else crops up or maybe, and this is where I'll place my money, it's the fact that I have PMS! 

It's just been such a lovely week. 

First, the disagreement with Diz.  I'm not happy with him overall.  I understand he works and he's doing some other stuff but is it too much to ask for a date?  I mean seriously!  I don't ask often and it's not like I'm asking for a super expensive dinner but can we at least go out in public together?  He knows all ready because I asked him the other night if he thought I was pretty.

He was all like,'Yeah, you're great.  Stop fishing! I'll be doing that on Friday!"

I was all like,'Well, gee, you wouldn't know it because you won't go out in public with me!  I think you're ashamed of me or something!  If you don't want me just go back to the skinny wench who told you what to do and I'll go find a guy who likes a girl with a little meat on her bones!" 

For those of you wondering this is the same night I got into it with my sister, the same night I told everyone off and Diz shouldn't feel too badly because he was one of many who heard me yap!  Still, I have to admit I feel like I have a valid point. Of course he had his comment.

"I can't talk to you when you're like this!" he said. "You're not even that mad at me.  You're mad at other folks and you're pushing it onto me."

Nope.  I was pretty sure I was mad at you,Diz!  My other thought was perhaps he's not as done with his ex as I'd like to believe.  I confronted that one too. 

"Did you really end things?" I asked. "I don't want you telling me one thing and then doing another.  You want her back go!  Just don't jerk me around!"

He wasn't thrilled.  He told me to grow up, quit being paranoid and if I have a self-esteem problem it's mine and not his, so knock it off!  We're okay right now but that doesn't mean it's over yet.  I have a feeling it won't be until he's either finished with everything he's doing and we go out on a real date or I just decided I've had enough and to amuse myself with someone else! 

Yesterday was crappy!  The weather straight up sucked and yeah, I'm a bit spoiled.  Having it be 80 yesterday will do that!  So, I wake up this morning, with a headache, and it's POURING out.  Great!  I'm supposed to bring Austin to school and it's monsoon weather!  Now bare in mind I'm up,and it's just hitting 4 a.m., and I have all ready got a throbbing headache.  I had to run Angel out and then I came back in, went to lay down and was woken up at around 7:55 to bring Austin to school. 

It was still pouring so mom brought him.  That's when a relative called and before I go any further I'm not singling this relative out because I'm sure my relatives find this journal and they'll find something they don't like but let me just throw this out.  I'm 28 years old!  I'll be 29 in November!  For the last God only knows how many years my mother has been called,"Ma!" 

I'm a New England girl it's common place,folks!  So, why do I mention this?  Simple.  I'm tired of my grown relatives calling this house and asking if my "mummy's" home!  There's no dude wrapped in toilet paper in my house.  Sorry, no! I'd take a vampire but only if it looks like Michael Easton when he played Caleb on Port Charles but I have no "mummy". 

You've heard me call her,"Ma!" since I was probably about 8. That's 20 years, my friends!  So, still I hear,'Is your mummy there?'  Nope.  No dude in TP here,sorry!  Still, the relative called to inform that another relative's mother had died so I guess I should bug off of that rant.  Oh, and one more thing.  I'm not daft.  You can leave phone messages with me!  I'll make sure they get 'em!

That brings me to Gram!  She pulled her usual guilt yesterday on my mom.  Monday she called, I spoke to her, informed her mom was going out and then Tuesday night she calls and says,"If I died no one would care."  EXCUSE ME?!  Did you forget you spoke to lil ole me on the phone?  Still, I try to behave but it's irritating! 

So, yesterday she calls and says she had an odd dream.  No, that's not the worst part.  Here it comes. Wait for it!  She had a dream she's sitting on the bed with my great aunt, her sister, and my aunt kicks her off the bed.  Yeah, gram fell off her actual bed and onto the floor. 

Nice,right?  Mom's now looking into medic alert things for Gram.  Still, hasn't everyone at least fallen off their bed once in adulthood?  I have.  Heck, it was recent too so I feel sympathy! 

Not much else is going on.  I got to see my brother yesterday!  We spoke about Animal Advocates and dad basically likes the estimate and recommendation from Pet Partners the best.  Plus, my dad says I have the unique ability of being able to get a vibe on things over the phone.

I like that.  It's like I reach through the phone and collect vibes.  Anyway, I'm going to go grab my dinner. I wasn't feel so great earlier and so I didn't eat a darn thing.  Now my stomach's making me pay for that one.  Don't know what I'll make but maybe I'll have a shredded pork sandwich.  We shall see. 

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9:25:12 PM EDT
Feeling Intense
Hearing Cleaning This Gun (Come On In Boy) by: Rodney Atkins
I think I've mentioned before but in case I have not let me state this so everyone knows it. I play the heavy pretty well.  Basically, that means I'm very intense, I do the serious stuff and all very well.  My lighter moments usually involve me cutting loose and acting like a complete goof ball. 

So, the last two days have been pretty heavy.  I pretty much have argued with EVERYONE I know.  I told Tiff off last night and then after telling Dizzy what happened I got a serious lecture from him but you know what?  I've had it!  I've had it with my sister being a selfish shrew and basically said that and a whole lot more.  Of course I wasn't an angel but I have to admit while I feel bad I don't feel like I'm the only one to be blamed first off and secondly, I am not apologizing to my sister.

To be honest, I wasn't the only one she annoyed yesterday and she should be thanking her lucky stars she has us to help with the boys.  Not much else has gone on around here.  After getting student of the month last month Austin went to school yesterday and got a 10 minute time out!  This little guy is his godfather all over but don't tell him that.

Speaking of my brother I went to his softball game yesterday.  It was