~*~It'S aLl Me~*~

wow, what can i say. i love nick so much. we've been going out for 3 months 2 weeks and 2 days, today. and it's going to be much longer. he's like my best friend. we joke around, have fun, and we're comfortable together. i burp and he doesn't mind. (: weird, or gross you may think. but no it's not like that.

Nick,

I like kissing your nose. I like it when we wrestle, and I beat your sorry ass. I like it when we make a huge mess of my house, like when we have cool whippe fights and baby powder fights. I like it when you make me tea and comfort me when i don't feel good. I like it when you call to say goodnight. I like it when you look into my eyes and tell me you love me. You've opened my eyes to so much, you've proved to me that the impossible, for me, was infact possible. I'm chuffed at how amazing this is to say the least, and you know I'd give you the world if I could. when i'm with you i feel so complete, and when i'm not with you i need you. before i met you my heart was missing something, you finally filled that hole.

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well bamboozle 2008 was siiiick. went with nick<3. bridget brought clark. and my mom was there. and cliffy came for a while. me and nick got to walk around without my mom. and it was crazy alll the bands were sooo good.

i want to tell you more. but it's 1030, i had a long night, and i have to wake up early. i'm soo tired. so i'm just putting pictures, then i'll add more later

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I LOVE YOU, YOU'RE MY BESTFRIEND

tuesday morning, me and bridget woke up to bring mommy to the hospital. so she can get this surgery to make her stomach smaller. complications happend, her liver is too big, it's the first time the doctor ever had to abort the surgery because of this. i've never felt more bad, she wanted this surgery so bad, she was so excited, and thrilled for it. and the doctor couldn't do it. so when we finally got to go see her me and bridget told her. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. the dissapointment in her eyes ripped me apart. she hardly does anything for herself, and this one thing she wanted she couldn't get. [even though the doctor said she can diet to shrink the liver and he'll try again] she cried, i cried, and bridget cried. it was so hard on all of us. mommy tried blaming herself. and was extremly depressed. she felt as if it was her fault. plus she went through all that pain, and is going through the recovery for almost nothing. but i'm mad! she's trying to say i don't know how she feels. PSH PSH PSH, HAHA.. i know better than alot of people. try being 8, 2 tumors, ovarian cancer, cemo, no hair, physically drained, and emotionally. i have a scar about 6 inches vertical from my belly button to almost ...down there.... i also have one almost 3 inches under my left boob.  my mom has a cupple scars like the one under my boob, and they look gross. but that's nothing to what i've felt, or many other people. and all the "it's my fault" shit she's blowing in my face, do you not think that me getting cancer didn't make me think i did something wrong? because i blamed, myself, god, my mom, but who would have known? and you know what it turned out to be benifical. and i'm kinda happy, it showed me how strong i am. i just wished my mom realised she's strong too.  when she told me she wanted to give up i told her "what if grandad gave up? so quickly?" he wouldn't have proved the doctors wrong and lasted all those extra months. "what if i gave up?, i wouldn't be here!" and if she gives up, she's going to DIE! why doesn't she understand that. a liver the size she has is extremly unhealthy. but one good thing is, she doesn't want to smoke (:

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wow, well alot has happend since i last wrote.

some good, and alot bad. but the bad doesn't compare to the good.

well to start with, that night with johnny we made out and shit, it ment nothing. and for like a week after that he would be like "i like you, you treat me better than bianca ever did" and then he just stopped talking to me.

went to a rob zombie and ozzy concert (: with sam. at mohegan sun.

one night, i went to sam's. had some jagermister? or however you spell it, and hit her bong alittle. we wanted red bull to make jagerbombs, but didn't have any. so i called nick and he drove over with his friends. sam saw my picture of my bong and got all mad, and let's put it this way, choose drugs over me. so whatever, i left with nick his brother, his brothers girlfriend, and their friend. i was so wasted. i spent the night there and nick took care of me. i was like falling everywhere. the next day i got in trouble and my mom searched my room and found everything.  so we stopped drugs. [me and nick] haven't talked to sam , really, since.

over spring break i went to jays and megan was there. [james lil came too] then julie came too. [hate her] lets put it this way, i drank waaaay to much. went onconisous? and got rushed to the hospital from alchohal poisoning. fucking julie took pictures of me. so my mom went crazy on her's. idc though.

everyone thought i was depressed when i drank so much. it's not like i just got depressed. i've been depressed. i've been battleing depression for a while in so many different ways. i lost my best friend, my dad doesn't care for me, paulie's an asshole, bridget is a bitch, mom's always telling me about money problems, i miss grandad and uncle johnny more than ever, and school is so hard.  why doesn't my mom realize it. i've cut myself, took loads of pills, smoked weed, drank till i passed out, anything to escape! but for some reason i can't. i can hardly sleep at nights. i constantly wake up, and have weird dreams. noboby will ever see things the way i do. noboby will ever understand. i can be in a room full of people and feel loniler than anyone has ever felt, at times.

but the best part is, i fell in love. with nicholas adam barletta! we've had so many good times together and i couldn't even begin to explain. he stole my heart. everytime i see him it's like i'm falling in love again. i also lost my virginity to him, i wish we waited longer, but i love him. i was his first too, and i know it means something to him. i never want to be anywhere without him. we spend everyday together.

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wow, well it's thursday night and i have so much to tell you since this journal hasn't been working. but i DNT have time. so i'll make a list.

-niick coming overrr(:

-wedseday me and sam walked dt, and went to jays. megan was mad.

-my cell phone broke ):

-today went home with sam, she got her hips peirced.

-went to johnny's [surprised] him ended up chillen with me and sam, major stuff happend i'll have to get later.

-and when i got home, nick kinda asked me out. i said yes, but i'm being totally honest about what happend today. 1/31/08<3(:!!!

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ok, so yesterday nick did end up coming over. and i had fun. we were like playing around and stuff. then we just got so comfortable we were laying together. like on eachotherish. i knew he didn't want to go home, i didn't want him to go. we were just so tired and comfortable. it was nice. today was ok i guess. we waltched the simpsons in english, i offically hate that show. and did nothing the rest of the day. tonight i might be hanging out with sam, but not sure.

will add more later. right now i think i'm going to make some frys in the fry baby, and waltch some televisionn.

peace babes.

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dammm, where do i starttt?

well tuesday i went back to school after the long weekend, and for some reason i had a bad day, i guess i was just so tired. but yea nothing too exciting.. but nick came over, it was cool i guess all we did was waltch movies. like when i have guys over i guess sometimes thats what we do, but we usally dont waltch the movie, if you get wat i'm saying. but nicks not like that, so idunno. wednesday,i dyed some more of my hair, nothing tooo exciting. today i had a guidance appointment to change 3rd period.. yet there were no classes ): so i'm a house aid? which i do nothing and weird seniors talk to me about weird things. but yeah. so today i'm suppose to get my hookah(:! i hope i do i hope i do! oh yeah today in gym pat couldn't even be in mine and megans group it was like we have cooties, ahahah like in 7th grade all he would do is bother me, and now he won't even talk to me.

oh yeah i was reading the older entrys and i love how i made it sound like i hated 7th grade, but 7th and 8th grade were like the best years EVERRR, trust meee. they were<3 i miss those days ):

ok ok don't tell anyone =p sillly, but maybe i do like nick. weird yea. but idunno he has a good personality, and he's pree cuteh, in a cute kid way. and he hates andrew, i always date ppl that hate my last x (: i dont get why, but i tend to. ahhaa but every day i think about andrew, i miss him so much we could have fell in love hard. i was already falling. whenever i see him my heart stops my mind freezes and i sweat in places you'd never know you could, i could feel every pulse in my body pounding. WHY!? i haven't actually been with him for months.. but everytime i hear certain songs, i feel my heart ripping. i want to cry but i can't, if i start i wont be able to stop. i want to stop careing about him, but i can't. i want to let him go, but if i let him go, i'll lose myself ):

i know it's kinda a crappy picture, but i love it. and i miss it. so much ): he doesn't even understand.

like every once in a while he'll text me, or call randomly, and tell me that he still has feelings for me, and i told him i still have feelings for him.. but he won't do anything about it. why not? i'm ready to be with him again. yea it was tough but i can manage. i can i can. why can't hee? i know he still loves me. we went through so much together. we've overcame so much shit. why give it up so easily. well i'm not.

=Pahhhhhhh. i'll addd more laterr.

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HOOOOOOKAH, it's not the 53$ one, but it's an option. it's so prettttty(:

ok ok, i don't really remember what has happend but i think the last thing i shared was friday night? well todays monday, and we had today off for "MARTHER LUTHER KING DAY!" ahaha faggs. well saturday me mommy and bridget went to nana's to have the christmas dinner we never had, lmao. it was yummy. then we went to the flea market and around there. there i seen these beautiful hookahs and bongs and shit. (: and i finally convinced my mom to let me get some. i think i'm going to collect. but sam has some so i don't want her to think i'm copying her.- well i told you this all before. but still. SO I'M GETTING ONE, then another then another and MORE &MORE!, i don't want them to smoke from, they're just so unquie and cool. but yeah. so i searched online and i found the one i want. i think i want an egyptian hookah first... then i'll get some bongs, and all other stuff. it's about 53$ + shipping and handling and i guess that's ok. i gave mommy the money in coins and she should be ordering it thursday, i'm so excited. but i can't let sam see. ): lamee. i wish she was cooler about that type of shit.

well sunday i went to the waterberry mall with my mothhaaa, and she was looking at prices of hookahs and bongs for me, but i want to get it offline, because everything comes with it. so yeah. sunday night i went to sam's we chilled and shitt. slept over. then this morning (monday) my motha picked me up and went to bills, (foods place) it was pretty good. so i'm home now, kinda bored. but it's all gooood.

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the doors-movie. the best movie everrr^

Yay, so today was the last day of midterms, and i only had to take one. so i got out of school at 945(: it's preetttty great haveing an older sister that drives. but yeah so i'm home now and i want to download more Doors music to my i-pod, but limewire is being a bitch.

so yesterday wasn't anything too intresting. i went into school late! i got to sleep in, and got into school at like 1010, just a few momments late for my foods midterm. every other foods class got to cook, but we had to do this BIGGGG ASSS exam. LAME LAME LAME, i won't miss mrs GAYtano. never never never i hated her class, and i was like practially failing because that bitch gave us too much book work, i mean i took foods because i want to learn how to cook and have experience, not to learn how to wash my hands, and why i shouldn't try catching a falling knife, i mean like DUUUUH.

the day before yesterday was preee intresting; me and sam stayed after school and decided to walk home, so we walked half way with lucas because he was walking to his house anyways. so yeah, so we chilled and waltched THE DOORS movie about jim morrison, then went to her hizzzouse, and waltched thirthteeeen then went homeee.

---tonight me and sam went w/ bridget and clark to his practice. dammmm those kids are weird. it was so akward the kid was like "ok you guys are hott" or something creepy like that. then we went to the waterberry mall, and there were like maaadd bongs and hookahs, and i want one, NOT because sam has one, but because i want one. plus it isn't like she's the first one ever with one, and she's not going to stop me from getting one, it may take time but i will. it's not like i even want it to smoke with. it's nothing like that, i just want one.

i'm tired, even though it's barely 9. ahaha.

gooooooooooodnight.

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HELLO AGAIN,  MANNN I'VE CHANGED

about two + years ago i started this blog. and i totally forgot about it. i was wondering onto my aol account and found it. when reading my old entries i started to tear up inside. i can't believe this shit that i wrote down. i can't believe the pain i felt. why did i feel it? i remember dating johnny, i remember it was the first time i ever had feelings for anyone. two years have gone by and he is still in my life. he's not a boyfriend.. a friend that comes and goes when he feels like it. he is and has been dating bianca, that bitch. '

within the two years alot has happened, alot of sad shit, and alot of happy shittt.

i dated robbie, wilfred, robbie again, and wilfred again. oh and paul after his father died, and i broke up with him christmas eve a while ago. but the one person i want to talk about is andrew, i met him the end of 8th grade, and the momment he walked in my science class i never felt more.... more excited, i was excited to get to know him, become his friend and hopefully more. but the only thing in my way was this kid, phill, who for some reason ''loved'' me. but honestly i think he might be gay, not to be mean, i have NO issue with gay people, but yeah. so me and andrew got to know eachother and we hung out all cottilion, 8th grade dance, it was sooo much fun. he gave me a rose, i still have it. but yeah so the night before our feildtrip to holiday hill he asked me out, i hessitated because i worried about what ppl would say, but i didn't care anymore, i liked the kid and NOTHING was getting in my way. so i said yes. phill found out, went onto one of his bitchy modd swings, my friend samantha thought i was causing drama so she sided with him, and now she realises how much drama phill gets ppl into. so yeah we dated for a bit, we'd always fight but it was fun. but it was over the summer and i never got to see him, it killed me. one day i went to the center with sam, and he was there too, i just wanted to hang with my friends so i think he got pissed. i dnt know exacttly what happend, but something happened between him and bianca that made him refuse to talk to me, so a week later after getting completely ignored i break up with him... and HIS FRIEND CALLS ME , like wow, i got pissed i told him to tell andrew to call me. so he did i explained shit, but he really never. to this day i dont know exacttly what happend. and it still hurts. i always try talking to him, and he comes up to me in the hallways and he has told me he still has feelings for me, and i told him i still have them for him to, but he won't do anything about it. i guess if it was ment to be it would.

well anyways, i went to wildwood last year, it was a blast, bamboozle, was amazing. webster to see kill hannah (2), 30 seconds to mars, paparoach. <3 last weekend i seend OZZZZZZY & ROB ZOMBIE. which was amazinggg.

oh yeeah also with in these years i've smoked pot, got drunk, got a monroe, getting a tattoo next month, attending highschool, i've been vegitarian YAY meee, paulie got out of jail, aunt t john micheal chris and lil bridget moved to missori, keith died ): still havent talked to my father, died my hair, got it cut, a hole bunch of different shit.

lifes treating me ok.

<333

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