Belief in Freedom

I'm writing a fun story for the paper I work for about hangovers.  Now what, might you ask, is fun about that?  I'm looking for 'cures' either tried and true or rumored to work. Anyone have one? 

I'll post the link to the story once it's done!


tschamberland at 5:41:34 PM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Words. A few can say so much and so many can say practically nothing at all. There are days when I loathe being expressive verbally. The days were no matter what you say, or how you say it, someone always digs deeper than your original intent and  pulls out something entirely unintended. It can be saying you like the color of someone's shirt...and suddenly it's that you hated every other shirt they've ever worn.  Honestly, I'm reeling from ten too many conversations where my words became heavier and meaning was dredged from a simple statement that was never, in a million lifetimes, ever intended.  Why do people insist on analyzing things to the point of my frustration????

Makes me want to take a vow of fucking silence!

The more I attempt to explain my actual intended message, the worse it gets. The hole I'm in is inescapable. I try to choose my words carefully, though at times I'm quick and cause the problem, but it doesn't seem to matter with some people. It all boils down to the person being conversed with's level of security in themselves and the topic at hand. I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for you inadequacies, so stop trying to pin ulterior meanings on what I'm saying!!!!

And for God sakes am I being unknowingly recorded? The number of times I've had things I've said repeated back to me (mind you completely taken out of context) is dizzying. I actually found myself ranting on this morning about how fucking unbelievable certain people are. I am not in a pissing contest (at least I never intended on entering one) and am exhausted from being nitpicked and studied. Can't I just have a meaningful conversation or even a simple one without my words being misconstrued? Is that even remotely within the realm of possibility with men?

Today I'm in a hell of everyone's hang-ups and insecurities and wondering what I did to gain entrance. Whatever twisted deed earned my ticket in, I really wish I could undo and be free to speak without fear of being picked apart.

I have long considered myself analytical, but never to someone else's chagrin. I am seriously contemplating holding interviews and psych evals prior to engaging in any verbal exchange with men or people I haven't known for ten plus years.

I'm not that complex of a person people! What you see is what you get and my words rarely hold hidden meanings. I mean what I say the way I say it, no round-about insinuations or camouflaged-to-protect-your-feelings truths.

Please cease all analysis, give up trying to read my mind, and stop telling me what I really meant.  This is the sign I want tattooed to my forehead and put on handy business cards as a precursor to any conversations.


tschamberland at 9:20:31 AM EST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 5 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I woke up today like so many mornings: not wanting to get out of my cozy, warm bed.  Attempted to wake the tweenager 3 times and made coffee. Unloaded the dishwasher, emptied the trash and litter box, fed the cat, washed my hands and made breakfast (coffee was ready YAY!)...typical start of day stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary, other than this new schedule being far from ordinary. Sent tween off to school and sat down to get some work done. 

Got email from soon-to-be-ex-husband saying that my family and I would be in his thoughts today.  Huh?  For about ten seconds I stared at the email in a fog.  Then it hit me...November 2nd.  I'm sure at some point I would have realized the date and it's significance, but this was the first time in 16 years I didn't think about it on my own.

I'm not sure why, but it's suddenly a hard day.  I've lived with this anniversary for so long, I sort of got used to it.  I would get a bit glum or sullen days before and after, but I haven't wanted to cry like this since the first anniversary.  I would guess that because this is a) the first time that both men have been convicted and in jail, and b) that someone who never could remember actually did it's got to be a turning point. 

I've been insanely busy with work, work, kids, life and dating a great guy, that I've lost track of certain things.  Never thought this would be one of them...even for a short time.

I haven't had much time to write, other than for work, and I'm hoping by the new year I'll have a better groove in this new life so I can take time to do more of that.

The boys are wonderful and doing better than I ever imagined with the whole divorce/dating thing.  I'm sure it helps that both their dad and I are dating and that we're keeping them in the loop so they don't feel left out or excluded.  I really think that, in the right amounts, allowing them to be part of your life makes them less resistant to new things.  Right now I'm battling with myself over 'when' to let them meet Scott.  It's early, but he and I have really hit it off and I don't think this is just a guy on the way to the rest of my life.  I'm probably more concerned with how 'everyone else' will react to them meeting him this soon. Bunch of mother-hens in my world. No 2 experiences of divorce and dating are the same for crying out loud.  Why the pre-requisite of a specific block of time before dating?  My life to this point hasn't exactly conformed to normal standards, so why should this be any different? 

He's a keeper...funny how that all works.  I had no intention of dating, let alone getting serious and falling for someone, this soon after ending my marriage.  A co-worker introduced us (he's her brother-in-law) and no one thought we'd be this into each other.  I can't predict the future, hell I don't even entertain future thoughts very often, but I can see us together for the long haul.  When you least expect it....

That's what's up in my world, hopefully I'll steal a few minutes to catch up on what's going on in all of yours!




tschamberland at 8:24:10 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Woohoo!  Sox are the Champs!!!!!!!

Loving the Pats too!


tschamberland at 8:37:42 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

Tonight, nearing the end of the third week of working myself into an early grave, I took the boys out to dinner.  I could have stayed home and cooked, but I figured that I would only end up doing things that have been left undone rather than sit at a table for an hour and a half with them talking and getting some face time in.  I've been feeling rather guilty lately over the major shift in my presence in their lives.  In the long run, and really they are doing better than I with this, it's all for the best.  I'm doing what I need to to make it as a single mom, and I know they get that.  They've been phenomenal and so much more accepting than I ever expected. 

Getting used to a different routine will take more time than I had planned on, but overall it hasn't been horrible.  The lack of time is the hurdle I'm having issue with.  I write for a living now, but not what I want...my writing, the creative me has stalled and I am feeling rather bad about it.  I am fast realizing that I need to get a handle on what I can and can no longer do.  Saying 'no' has never been easy, I guilt way too easily.  At some point I just need to suck it up and deal with the reality of being a disappointment to others when I can't come through or make that commitment. 

Making time for myself has been a farce.  Any free time I do have, be it literally ten minutes here and there, is spent catching up on all the things that get left undone during the week.  I do know that my health and well-being depend on taking a breather, but I just can't seem to get to that point.  Soon though, or I'm gonna crash hard. 

One of the leisurely things that I miss the most is this community.  Bloggers.  Reading what so many have to say, or about their lives, just all the things that were thought provoking and heart-catching.  I'm here tonight, but for just a moment or two.  You know it's bad when the season finale of 2 of my scifi shows goes by and I miss the season premiere of another.  How have I let it come to this I ask?   Missing sci/fi?  The tragedy of it!


tschamberland at 9:26:08 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

The first week was fairly smooth.  I still have to work tomorrow at my 2nd job, but overall things are easy at the moment.  The weekly paper isn't up and running as of yet; still working out all the bugs.  This means a nice big learning curve for yours truly.  Yay!!!  I can listen to the buzz in the newsroom and get a feel for what this job is all about.  And I'm getting paid for it.  Thus far, it would seem I have exceeded my editor's expectations with taking initiative to go out and make contacts around the two cities that will be covered.  I began with the schools and started in at nursing homes and libraries.  The response has been predominantly positive and this has bolstered my confidence in taking this on.  I will be using my maiden name for my byline (I like it better, and will soon be dropping the married one).  It has been tricky introducing myself that way after 12 years of marriage. 

Happily, I have numerous contacts from having grown up in this area as well as working as a hairstylist for 10 years.  This has made the transition that much easier.  Things appear to be looking up on the job front.

I have experienced a couple personal setbacks during this time.  This is quite difficult as it impacts my ability to be as excited as I know I would normally be, and reigns havoc on my concentration (shown by the near head-on collision I narrowly missed earlier today due to my own spaced out driving - Yikes).  I have no idea when or if this particular aspect of life will ever come out of the spiral it has been in for so long.  So much in my life is going well, yet this one part is, as it has nearly always been, in the shitter.  I am utterly inept in relationships. 

It has also come to my attention that I rarely stop.  If I'm not moving, I'm thinking.  They have medication for that, don't they?  ; p

The boys are adjusting well, only a few minor issues that are to be expected.  I so wanted to spare them this ordeal, but things just didn't work out that way.  I am proud of the way they have handled it all, they are truly amazing boys.

Next week will be more of the same, and hopefully I can give myself a crash course in AP style as I have no idea how to use it. 

Wonder Woman signing off for the evening....


tschamberland at 8:52:15 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Monday I start my new job.  Nervous as hell, but really looking forward to the challenge.  I'm actually going to get paid for writing.  Granted this type of writing isn't the creative writing I long for, but it's writing nonetheless. 

I have begun to put some of my affairs in new order awaiting a court date for the divorce.  Things have evened out since he moved out, though I still expect rough patches.  The boys are handling it all so well.  I'm so proud of both of them, they are wonderful. 

I am experiencing anxiety over the whole dating thing.  When, how and with who.  Timing is the shittiest component.  I'm emotionally ready for a relationship (seems odd, but I've reconciled the end of my marriage 2 years ago) but my life's current circumstances make it ridiculously impossible.  Time, again.  Sure time will eventually work it all out, but that doesn't help with the now.  I don't want to be alone, though I know I can be.  I don't want to hurt the boys in anyway, so everything is with them in mind.  I don't want to hurt someone by getting involved and not being able to give 100%.  I don't want to hurt anyone by 'moving on so soon' that no one has a chance to adjust.  I want to be swallowed up in someone's arms, have time and space to commit to something other than all these obligations.  Yeah, this really sucks at the moment. 


tschamberland at 12:19:43 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

A day, week, month, year in the life of me...it's all the same. 

Whenever big decisions present themselves for making, they're never alone.  Not ever.  Ok, the first one shows up and acts like it's the only thing waiting to be considered, then it's sneaky travel companions burst in.  Like life in general hasn't already been demanding enough, now I've got you three to contend with?  Seriously!

I made a decision a little over a month ago that is life altering.  For me, the boys and Marc.  And trickling down the line, everyone else I know and love.  So, with that decision came the necessity of another.  And another.  I have filed for divorce after 12 years of marriage; add to that a need to find another job and to that something that doesn't completely keep me from spending quality time with my sons.  Not to mention that I love what I do, just can't survive and remain in the house on the paychecks. 

Roughly 3 months ago I began a long and frustrating hunt for a second job.  One that would fit in nicely with my current work schedule (enabling me to continue doing what I so truly love).  Lots of 'thanks, but no thanks' replies and headaches galore.  I was really feeling the pressure and seemed to be running out of time and options.  Then I decided to try out (so to speak) for a color educator position with a color company I have used for over 7 years.  At that same time I had two other opportunities brewing.  Long and short of those 3...I got them all.  Which to choose? 

I got sick (yes, again, but really it seems to be the same sinus infection from last month that just didn't go away completely) and couldn't fly to Pittsburgh and risk not performing well via video exam when presentations were being audited.  No color educating for me.

The school lunch lady gig (sweet I know...fit in quite well with the boys school schedules and still allowed me to do hair though) didn't end up being quite what I had thought.  Don't really want to fill in here and there.  So no big loss on that.

Today, after quite a lengthy wait, I was offered a job that 10 years ago I would have jumped at.  I say 10 years because I wasn't where I am in my current profession.  This is writing position with a local paper's new weekly publication.  This publication would focus on the community and I would be the only full time reporter.  It pays better (not great), has decent benefits (I currently have none) and it's writing.  So what's the hesitation?  I hadn't mentally prepared for the idea of giving up being a hair stylist.  With the hours and potential for some evening and weekend work, I couldn't continue doing hair.  The divorce presents another issue:  visitation.  How often will I be on night/weekend assignments?  Will it take away from the boys, who need me the most right now? 

I'm so used to the flexibility I have, I'm afraid to lose it.  Just because I enjoy writing and want to publish a book, I'm not entirely convinced this line of work would suit me.  I talk, I'm engaging and ask questions, I'm curious and love to learn...so, yes part of me would be great in this career.  I don't like feeling nosy, I'm still sketchy about talking to people I don't know, and I'm not sure deadlines are something I can work with...so, no part of me couldn't pull this off. 

I'm taking the weekend to ponder, and I've put in a call to go over some finer points with the hiring editor.  I love that I'm good enough, I love that they offered me the job, I'm at a crossroads with what to do.

Divorce, job change and trying to survive with minimal impact to the boys.  How on earth do I keep making choices that lead to such confusion?


tschamberland at 8:43:00 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

It occurred to me that I have yet to visit a beach this summer.  I did brave a dip in my bff's (quite honestly forever) pool, but as far as bathing beauty opportunities that's it.  Now, I'm not into conceit, though I toy with it, mixing it with a thick helping of sarcasm.  Why on earth have I wasted precious opportunity to be in a bikini?  I have been told and am beginning to see (already remiss for having gone this long without appreciating) that I can actually get away with wearing a bikini; after 2 kids and at 35.  Oh sure, there are little things (seen quite magnified) that I could definitely change about this body, but life is so short and the sun shows itself quite unpredictably in this part of the world, it's a shame to squander basking opportunities.

Of course, what with homeowner obligations, extreme life changes on the horizon and active boys, finding the time is the real challenge. 

As of late, the feeling of bouncing aimlessly in all directions has plagued me.  Many events have led to monumental considerations of this life's current path.  Ever a journey, none of it can be wished away.  A learning opportunity exists here and that is one thing I refuse to let go by. 

I am capable of handling whatever obstacles that pop up.  I only wish they did always occur in such close succession. 


tschamberland at 10:03:17 AM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 2 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Just a quick shout out and CONGRATS to Jon at Lone Star Concerto on winning the Artsy Essay Contest! 

If you haven't read Jon's entry, what the hell are you waiting for?  Go.  Go now and read for love of the written word. 

 

Hope all is well in cyberworld.

tschamberland at 10:33:07 PM EDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own