PLEASE GOD GRANT ME STRENGTH

4:53:44 PM EST
Feeling Chillin'

Hi,

 

Things have been really great on this end. I absolutly love my job. I feel so smart my brain hurts. I have about 5 minutes left of work, and though I would send a note. Cali is doing well, she is looking forward to Thanksgiving break. Jim Cali and I are headed down the Cape for Turkey day probably returning on Sunday. I look forward to some days away. The Cape is relaxing for all of us.

Jim had his foot surgery. The foot isn't so attractive, but we still love him.. He is doing better, and all of our attitudes have toned down .. It's all a learning process.

Hopefully I can write again soon

 

LOVE YOU ALL !!!!!!

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10:02:13 AM EST
Feeling Happy

Hello everyone,

 Sorry it has taken me so long to write. I am now at the new job, and have very little free time .  I will have to get my computer at home up and running so I can continue with my journals.  When I get a moment I will check in w/ everyone journal, and see what's new.. Until then I love you all... The job is great, I feel like such a professional. I have a meeting at 10:30 with a few of the supervisors to discuss thier vision for me. Those were their words not mine..lol I'm excited to start projects and get into the groove!!!

Talk soon

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXO

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1:36:25 PM EST Finally got some pictures, not very clear, but yeah I'll get better... She was Willy Wonker, I loved the glasses, shit I would wear those out.... lol lol I love how she was acting the character out... Such a star.. :) :):) :)

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8:49:52 AM EST
Feeling Chillin'

Today is a new day, and I feel much better.. Between all the venting and fabulous feed back... I thank all of you..

So no more mush... lol Just got to work, and I have a lot to do to prepare for my new job Monday Morning. Cali and I went to Filene's last night with my Birthday gift card, we had fun picking out clothes and trying them on for my new job.. I have to dress up everyday, which has never been a problem for me, so I'm looking forward to actually having a reason too... lol lol   Then we studied for Cali's big test today, on Volcano's... geeze I didn't even know half of what she was learning.. She's got it though,,, Good luck to Cali... she'll do fine, she so smart...

I'm off to work, I'll check in with all your journals at lunch time... I love being able to talk to everyone... :) :):):)

Becky, your a sweety, I may take you up on the listening part..lol LOVE YOU!!

 

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1:34:16 PM EST
Feeling Sad

In response to Kelly and Nik. Your both 100% right, and usually I'm the one giving this wonderful advice.

Ya know last year it was great, I thought wow we're a family, I have something to be proud of.. I have a family. But honestly I have never felt so alone.

 My mother is Cali's guardian angel, and everything I do my mother is right there to let me know if it's right or wrong for Cali. Sometimes I just feel like where the heck do I stand. Where do I stand in Cali's eye's, my mothers or Jim's. Three people I desperatly seek approval from. Alot of times if I'm upset and then Cali gets upset My mother will be angry with me, and tell me " It's not about you".. And I think, It's never been about me, not when I was Cali's age, not now, when Mom, when can it be about me.. When do I matter enough to have the right to be hurt or mad, or sad.

I see how loved Cali is by my mother, and how my mom is getting a second chance ... But I feel like I remind her of the past, what she did wrong, and I feel like once again, I'm forgotten... So my anger with Jim comes from hoping he would be the one to put me first, but I have known all along that's not the case either.. 

So I have decided to start planning for Cali and I, it's going to take alot of effort, but I can do it, shit hundereds of other women have done it. I appreciate everyones support, and I truly take all your opinions to my heart and I thank you for caring.

So another mushy, crazy, journal entry, but hey, it's helping, if that counts for anything..lol

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10:17:01 AM EST
Feeling Quiet

Thank you all for the Birthday wishes.  I did post an entry earlier that day, when I was much calmer.. But when he was MIA I just knew.... I'm sorry if I scared you guys..lol But hey this is a journal, and it's to help vent... and writing all that got me through the rest of the day at work...

He picked me up with his friend Joe, slimeball, in Joes Jeep.. I'm like where is my car?? At his work,, ok... I ask him to tell me the truth about where he was, and that's when I get that , look, that shit she knows look... and he nods yes when I ask him if he was at the strippers on my Birthday. At that point I lunge from the front seat to the back seat which is where he was sitting, and began swinging... I didn't really want to connect, and realy could have gotten him good, I wanted to scare him, which I did, and it felt better to get all that anger out, I guess I did connect because he was all upset that I hit him in the eye.... ... whatever... Not to mention he has a T.J.Maxx bag, with 'gifts' in it, and says but look I did get you something. And hands me the bag just the way he would have walked out of the store with it. A sweat shirt, candle, and some shit for the bath tub, along with 3 shirts for him, and a pair of pants for him. no card, no nothing.. Now I know right now I may sound like a bitch who can't be pleased. But I ask you, would it be appropiate for me to give you a gift still in the bag in which I bought it, no card. No I wouldn't do that to even an aquaintance.

 

Well I'm not going to go on and on. I got my self into this mess, I'll have to get my self out.

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3:32:32 PM EST
Feeling Angry What a nice Birthday present... Can't find Jim, I'm sure he's half in the bag, if not completely in the bag.... I'm sure my Boyfriend has been looking at Tits and Ass for the last fucking 3 hours on my Birthday........ He has my car so I can't leave work. He has my car because the truck I bought him has been broken down for a fuckin YEAR... No money to fix that but plenty of money to put in a strippers G-String.... When I tell you all I may have to be bailed out tonight, I'm not lying... It's going to take an act of GOD for me not to knock him out.  I don't give a shit about the strip clubs... shit I used to go with my guy friends... but to be there instead of work, all fucking day, ON MY BIRTHDAY, not to mention the Toe they are chopping off because he can get better because he can't stay sober for more than 5 days.   Ya know he will have the biggest balls I have ever seen if he pulls up to my work, with my car, shit face, and no flowers or anything for my Birthday.. I am not a material person, but the thought of his head up some strippers ass, while I'm here at work fucking burns me... Not to mention I have no money so I had no lunch, meanwhile he's out throwing dollar bills around.... It's pretty sad when you know someone so well I can't even talk my self into believeing anything else... Like oh maybe he's at the mall trying to pick out he perfect gift... YEAH RIGHT.... GOD HELP HIM AT 4:30pm.... That's when he has to pick me up in my car!!!!!!

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2:32:24 PM EST
Feeling Frustrated

UGH.. I made an entry and lost it.... Go figure... fit's with the mood today.. I feel bitchy today, must be a candy hangover... too much chocolate... 

 

Headed over Aunties tonight, then Mom's and then some trick or treatin' with Cali...

Can't find Jim, I called his work... I hope he's out looking for what to buy me for a present and not at the STRIP JOINT~~~ If I had to choose....UGH!!!! I'll kill him...

 

Anyways,,, Jim and I had fun with Nik and Ang at the 80's Lounge,, Nik sorry if Jim burned your ear off... to many absolute/oj';s..lol lol

Well thanks to all of you who wrote in with Birthday wishes... LOVE YOU ALL TO DEATH!!!!

 

Bobby, I am so DEMANDING a rematch... YOU GOT LUCKY!!!!! lol lol lol o

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2:38:26 PM EDT
Feeling Loopy

32y/o on Monday!! 32y/o!!@!

The whole Birthday event isn't all that anymore... Shit after 30 somethin' happened..

Well I will be headed to the 80's lounge tonight with Nikki, and Jim and some of her friends.. Went back and forth with the idea,,, would have loved to have gone to the Casino and played some Poker, but it's packed on the weekends...Lord knows I can't stand be in a crowd of people,  I need elbow room...

I start my new Job next Monday... A little nervous, but that's normal.. Cali has two Halloween Parties tonight, she is sooooo excited.. She's going as Willy Wonker, too cute with the classes and hat...

Well not much to write... I LOVE YOU ALL !!!!!

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1:50:35 PM EDT
Feeling Happy

Hey everyone,,

I'm keeping busy in an out of work.  I have to be sure to catch up with these journals.

The weekend went fast. I had Bob Adamiaks wedding on Saturday, I had a great time. Jim ended up not being able to go, oh don't feel bad, he couldn't go because he was hurting from being at the track on Thursday, yeah him and Reddog (aka Shawn O'Keefe, ). So I didn't feel bad. I got all pretty and went with Riccardi to the wedding.  He's always been a favorite of mine, as you all know...lol   We had fun, it was like being on Vernon Street. Smeagle, Scotty, Matty Leblanc, Z, Como, Pete, Sully, Sheppy, Jeremy West, Sabaskianski, Stankis, Courecio, Ridler, Ian, Cashman, Biando, the list just keeps going... And of course I was the only Girl " Friend" there, of course thier wives and girlfriends were there, but Barrett was in the house... lol lol

After Riccardi and I were envited to the Hampton Inn to hang out with Adamiak and his crew..lol  We did some laughing and cappin' and headed home. 

Sunday Cali and I chilled. Monday, back to work, but I've just been cleaning like a crazy lady, I was goofing around at work, then realized I have to gut my whole office, files, and computer files,,,, lots to do.. Tie up lose ends, I want to leave on a clean note.  

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