Life is but a Dream

update and a wee rant

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 01:20:55 GMT

I freaked a little when I saw how long it's been since I posted an entry. I have been really absorbed in family matters and just haven't made the time! So here's a few updates:

Allison is home!!! She's been in the hospital since Thursday of last week. She was so pitiful after surgery. I felt sick when I first got to see her. She was scheduled for surgery at 10 am, but nothing was underway until 2 pm. She was left alone in pre-op for 5 hours. She was so irate that they had to send her fiancee in to keep her from leaving the hospital(Alison is ummm...one of those chicks that makes sure her concerns are voiced lol) After surgery, we were told we could see her in 3 hours. We didn't get to see her until 11 pm. Think here folks...we had been at the hospital since 8 am. We had to wait 15 hours to see her. Her surgery only took 2 and a half hours. That was the beginning of a very long week. Her mouth was so dry that her lips were sticking above her teeth. I asked the staff to please moisten her mouth. They never did, so I wet a washcloth and patted her lips to try and help. Even in her stupor she was trying to suck the washcloth. I begged for sponges that night. We got them at 9 the next morning. This set the trend for her stay. I stopped believing anything these folks told us.

At one point her bedrails were left down all night long. She was on the pump, which delivered Dilautid with each push(really strong stuff) and they were also giving her shots in her IV. It's a wonder she didn't fall out of bed, not to mention that she couldn't call a nurse. Another day a nurse refused to give her a bath because she had a yeast infection, and they had to send for someone else. Wtf? Her room was filthy. We found a pair of hemos on the floor covered in blood, as well as a bloody cup in her bathroom. Her IV pole thing was covered in dust, some white liquid and old blood. So many crappy things happened that I can't even begin to list it all.

The morning after her surgery, her fiance's car was vandalized in the parking lot of the hotel we were staying at. They bashed his windows in and stole his radio. My Dad's car was towed. It was a nightmare!

Moving on to brighter things...I got to bring her home yesterday and she is doing amazingly well. We had been told that they were going to do this laperoscopically, but when she came out she had an incision all the way across her upper belly. I counted 18 staples, plus there was the drain tube and the feeding tube. She still has the feeding tube but can eat just a little now. She is still really sore, but to see her now considering what she was...it's just awesome. She is walking some now too.

And by the way...my little niece or nephew is due on June 9. She had an ultrasound last week, and the little booger was rubbing his/her arm acroos her face like a cat does with it's paw! My sister was so amazed to see how beautifully formed the little angel was already.

Well that just about sums most everything up I guess. I promise I will get my slack self over to other journals very soon!!

Love and light to you all.

UPDATE

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 02:53:49 GMT

So-I guess the biggest news is out, lol. My baby sister is FINALLY giving me what I have wanted for so long. She just found out on Tuesday the 12th, and is going to the doctor on November 3rd. She hasn't the slightest clue how far along she may be, but things have been off for 2 months, so maybe she is 8 weeks or so. Yippeeyay! Sorry, I am just too happy.

Other big news:

On Wednesday morning the 13th at 2:20am, I was blessed with getting to witness the birth of Marleigh Claire, third child of my best friend since the 6th grade. She had the easiest time delivering! This baby was coming out before she even started pushing. One push people. One. Now that's the way to have a baby. I had to cry, hearing her bleat her first breath of life. My other best friend is trying to get pregnant with her second, and all this baby stuff around me has my motherhood hormones in overdrive. Yes I have two already, but doesn't 3 seem like a really nice round number...?

Allison update:

She is scheduled for surgery on November 12. I have to thank everyone that has kept her close, because we learned that her surgery won't be so bad after all. Instead of removing the bottom portion, they are only going to re-route the place where the pancreas empties. Her recovery will be 3 months as opposed to 6, and the surgeon said without complications she will go home within 7 days! MUCH better than we were told previously. The folks at Duke really know their stuff. We have come from doom and gloom to a glimmer of hope. They have told us that even though its not curable, she has a good future ahead. She will inevitably become diabetic, but for the first time I truly believe she is going to be okay. Thanks, you guys.

I wanted to share some photos in honor of motherhood. Hope you like!

Big News

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 21:50:01 GMT

I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

update, sorta

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 20:31:35 GMT

As you all saw, I didn't take my little one turning five very well. I cried the whole morning long! I am not ready for that part of life to be over. Cae said to me this afternoon," There are so many years left! "

It's not the same. I had my firstborn a month after I turned 20. She came along four years later, and I guess part of this is due to having the first so young. Many of my schoolmates are just starting their families. I have many days that I think of having another. It not possible now because we are basically broke, but I like to think there is a glimmer of hope in the future. I have family members that tell me I am too old. Surely I am not ready for the rocking chair, just turning 29 in November. Am I ?!

Many of you have asked about Allison. She is great for now. On the18 we will get more info about her upcoming surgery. Your kind thoughts and prayers will bring us far. I have read the studies about positive thought and prayer on the mind and body of a patient, and I tell you folks it's thoroughly convincing. I don't need a study to tell me that, but it is compelling to see the evidence in black an white. The hospital she will be admitted to has done extensive research into this and they are committed believers in the power of thought.

There is a man (his name escapes me just now) that did a study on the effects of words and prayer on frozen water molecules. Rocked my world, believe it. One batch of water had an excerpt from a book about the Holocaust taped to its jar and angry words were spoken over it. The other was blessed and prayed over, with kind thoughts and positive energy. One was black and murky while the other froze into gorgeous prism like fractals. Guess which? And the body being composed of mostly water.... you dig? So keep it coming from all directions, and if ever you need me I will lovingly do the same. Thinking of Val, Connie and Moonie just now.. you ladies and your health are on my happy thoughts list. Lovins!!

birthdays-revised

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 02:51:43 GMT

Five Candles

The face that I had loved so well
lost in Nod's misty rivers
as I looked long by the railing
so utterly lost
in her

bowed serenely in larkish prayer.
The changeling was unaware
slipping through time's filmy chaplet
wreathed by fireflies and melody
she fell

into inevitable chrysalis.
Babyhood flickered
in that last exhale
Furled smoke emerged
ocean-eyed
flutterby.

I wept to wet her wings.

over!

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 01:58:15 GMT

It's over! After all of these months, it's finally over. It was beautiful, and the bride was thoroughly pleased. I may have another wedding booked for next year, and joy of joys, it's Rennaissance! I have always wanted to do that. I am so tired, you guys. I worked my booty off. Now I can focus on getting my sister through all of this.

She did get to go out for a big night on the town with my other sister. I know they had fun-those two need a leash when they are out in public. Last year they went to the fair together when it was raining. Of course there weren't many folks there, so those dummies went running around holding hands from ride to ride. Once, my youngest sis went to the mall in a chicken suit just for the hell of it. They can take the most boring, mundane day and turn it into a magic carpet ride, which is only one of the reasons I love them so.

Thought I would give you a little peek of the wedding.

stress

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 11:24:17 GMT

I only have a minute but wanted my friends to know I will be back proper by Monday. Allison is already back from Duke. They re-scheduled the endoscopy for Oct.5 or something like that. She will be having surgery on the 16 or 18, which for sure I can't remember. They are going to cut her pancreas in half and get rid of the scar tissue, then re-route the tail of it into her intestine. According to the Dr., this is all that can be done for now but should afterwards reduce her pain. He said it would take about 6 months to recover. She is terrifiied.

Tomorrow I have to go and throw most of this wedding together. I will probably have to go back Friday, and then Sat. for sure.

I look forward to getting back. I hope this entry finds you all happy and well,. I will catch up on journals soon, I promise.

e-friendship

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 16:27:02 GMT

When my heart is full and I can not seem to speak-to say what I feel, to give a true reflection of the emotion I want to convey, I do this instead:
(((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))).
This is supposed to mimic a hug. It is supposed to give the reader thoughts of my arms around them, holding them close and feeling loved by me. And yet, it falls as hollow as the echo of an empty house that was once a home to many children. What can I do? What other offering might I give to a piece of equipment? I cannot reach through, cannot touch, cannot give the tears in my eyes or the love etched in a sad smile. It is a cruel thing, this technology. This thing that ties us , bound in signature fonts and the sweet sentiments of a well-meant forward, is the same barrier that prevents our contact. Our human-ness. With these standards can we truly be measured? I haven't known any of you a single day. Not a single day. And I love you. I am bound and baptised by your words. Captivated by the color of your text, the graphics in your journals. Each original line, every quote emitted from your hearts. Hypnotized by any thing from the tips of your fingers that offers me a meager glimpse of YOU. Clinging to each syllable as if I might, just maybe, find your true voice carried there. I turn on a machine to find you, and can be crushed without your name. Another person, you are in this e-world-a name chosen by you, to help me know you-cut from the cloth of your soul, chosen out of what you love, what makes you hurt, what makes you laugh or bleed. Poets,artists, musicians, angels, and wolves- some are animated by the pull of the cosmos and others animated by strings. How should I love you? Truly, how should I love you? If I give you my heart, my poetry, my ear-is it also hollow? Does it feel as empty as this
(((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))) ?

Try as I might, I cannot reach through this screen. I cannot surpass the mountains or the oceans that separate us to make that connection with the kind touch of a hand or a whispered promise. I offer these words, like prayers or mantras- I beg you to feel me. If ever I have offered words of love or enduring friendship, HEAR ME. Do not allow the frailty of this machine to hinder love. I love you. I will not judge you. Here is my hand, and just because you cannot see itdoes not mean it isnt there and may require a leap of faith on your part. For all it is worth........
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( friends ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

doo-tee doo-tee doo

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 23:37:21 GMT

Isn't that a pretty kitty? Thats my baby sis's cat, Boots. Thought I would introduce her. Boots, journaland-journaland, Boots. Now that we are properly aquainted...

There is an entry in Forlorn Reverie!! I swear it, I was just in there a second ago, lol. And true to my spastic self, it ain't even the one I was promising in an earlier entry. I have about 4 going at once right now, and this particular write just happened to strike my fancy today. Funny how these dry spells go. Just when the earth begins to crack a tsunami washes over and WHACK....a few new songs to sing. Or croak, but I love them...they are mine ; D

I f i n a l l y got to hear from a couple lost loved ones in the past few days. That was special. I had missed them badly, and you SO know who you are.Still have one little phantom spaz to catch, and I AM holding my breath, so you had better hurry with a quickness.

The wedding is approaching like a freight train. I have to purchase some stuff still. Thats no simple task considering how broke we are, but I cannot dwell on that today. The sky has been extraordinarily gorgeous, with Autumn falling around my shoulders like a cloak. My fave time of year, although each season casts its own spell. I have really neglected journals of late, not counting my own. Truly, I have done better than I ever thought in the beginning. If I don't spiffy things up I will likely not grab any new readers, but it is what it is. I offer my true self, warts and all, and those that love me love me, if ya catch my drift. I was glad to see Mel drop in, and I will be adding a link to her journal down below.

To those of you wondering, my sis goes to Duke next week. She has been well, and we won't have any further knowledge of her condition until then. Please keep her in your thoughts.

Some of you might know I practice Reiki. Now I am on to another healing system called Chios Energy Healing. I hope that I can help her, using these holistic approaches in conjunction with her regular treatment. I think the mind and spirit often gets neglected in modern treatment. Keep your fingers crossed.

Creation, boredom, and brain farts

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 02:18:50 GMT

Colorless photos for a colorless day. The rain I can handle. It's going without sunlight for a few days that plunges me into a funk. We didn't even get a thunderstorm out of the deal! I spent my entire day involved in quiet activities. I washed mountains of laundry, stared out of the window between loads, and ended the day by helping my husband with his Human Images and Biblical Perspectives paper.

He had to choose one of two creation stories in Genesis and write a reflection paper on how the account depicts God and humankind, as well as offering interpretations concerning the human image as created. That was as much fun as a bag of bricks, but it occupied my teeny brain for an hour or three.

We recieved three wrong number calls today. I thought something was strange about three in a day. I talked to the guy the last time the phone rang, and for some oddball reason, anytime someone tried to dial his number there was a message that his number had been changed to ours. Can't explain that one. He lives an hour away from us, but we share the same phone service. Who knows.

I am currently working on something to add to Forlorn Reverie. Sometimes when I write, my brain is assaulted by a barrage of words and images. I scribble some stuff on whatever I can find to write on, then I go back and make sense out of it. Most of the time I write at the speed of light, just flooding the plain of paper with whatever has posessed me at the time. I haven't looked at the scribbles since I wrote them last night.

Actually, I haven't seen them at all because it was black as pitch at 2:30 am. I am one of those wierd critters that sleeps with a pencil beside of the bed to "catch" my brain farts. When I get it all together I will let you know so you can check it out. LOL, I guess saying that I am working on this is really a misrepresentation of my process, but I don't know what else to call it.

I hope you guys aren't as bored as I am.::big dramatic sigh::